The Literary Brothel

Take Out Dim Sum

2011-09-29T21:11:00.000-07:00

I went to a take-out dim sum place today called Dim Sum Express for a late lunch.

It was good. Big pieces. Pork buns, turnip cake, the real deal. Check it out if you're ever in Monterey Park:

Dim Sum Express Yelp Page

On an unrelated note, I need to update this site more.

Seriously.

-Klaus

Blog from the Appalachian Trail (AT)

2011-07-25T09:23:00.000-07:00

Hey Hikers,

If you want to read a blog of someone on the Appalachian Trail - I mean, he's on it RIGHT NOW - check out Teddy Nutmeg's Tired, Wed, Dirty and Happy

He only blogs once in a while - because he's hiking! - but when he does, man, there's some good stuff there.

It makes me feel pretty goddamn lazy...but also thankful to be inside.

And not have a boil.

Seriously.

-KV

Facebook Launches Search Engine to Compete with Google

2011-07-18T06:41:00.000-07:00

Somewhere in the interwebs...

Reuters (and other hard-to-pronounce news services) are reporting* today that Facebook has entered the search engine world with the unveiling of Fook, the Facebook search engine.

"It's not so much a 'search engine' per say, as it is a tool to connect people with information on the internet," said Facebook co-founder Mark Zuckerburg, hands still bloodied from decapitating a chicken earlier in the day.

When asked what differentiated the new search engine from Google or Bing, Zuckerberg was a bit more cagey.

"I basically took a close look at both of those designs, then took the idea that these two twin Olympic rowers had, and meshed them into a totally original concept unlike anything seen before on the internet."

Critics, initially skeptical, remembered that Zuckerberg was a billionaire and declared the project a success.

Online articles that attempted a sliver of objectivity concerning the launch of the new search engine have also flocked to Zuckerberg's corner, with the recent announcement by Zuckerberg that he will give money to websites that praise the new search engine, and bash his competitors.

Google responded by being really lame, as always.

Use Fook. It's really cool.

Seriously.

-KV

--

* The term "reporting" in this context** should be understood as "not reporting."
** The context being that this entire article is fabricated, of course.

Script Doctor Eric's Screenwriting Podcast

2011-07-11T09:34:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to Script Doctor Eric's screenwriting podcast - Scriptcast. Some funny stuff there.

If you're into screenwriting, check it out - Scriptcast - A Screenwriting Podcast

If you hate movies and life, you may want to skip it.

I admit ignorance to the podcasts that are out there. If you know of some good ones, please let me know.

Yeah, yeah, I know This American Life. OTHER good ones, please.

Seriously.

-KV

Top 5 Funnest Activities for 4th of July

2011-07-04T09:28:00.000-07:00

Top 5 Funnest Activities for 4th of July

1. Hanging out by the pool with shirt on while watching the girls who made a conscious effort to stay in shape for the summer prance around in swimsuits. Good work, ladies.
2. Beer.
3. BBQ.
4. Fireworks.
5. Ignoring American History and pretending that our country WASN'T founded by a bunch of slave-owning aristocrats who didn't want to pay taxes.

Yeah, they loved freedom. The freedom to own other people.

Pass the Ruffles.

I mean, Happy 4th!

-KV

MySpace is Dead

2011-06-27T17:28:00.000-07:00

Long live MySpace.

No, it's dead, actually. Why do people say "Long live?"

I could look this up.

With a few clicks.

But I won't. Because then there wouldn't be much to post about.

Man, I'm hungry.

This is the worst post ever.

It's tough updating every week. I'm not sure if I should...

Back to my original point - MySpace is still around, but I'm not sure anyone uses it.

I was on MySpace the other day, and man, it is STILL full of ads and a bunch of other B.S. You'd think they'd get their act together...

But, I guess not.

Does anyone still use MySpace?

Srsly.

Sorry for this post.

-KV

DJ Octoon's Unsigned Music Blog

2011-06-20T13:35:00.000-07:00

This is another post about our links, explaining them, etc.

I feel like most college radio stations should specialize in unsigned music, but it seems like they don't.

DJ Octoon is a UCLA Radio DJ who plays only unsigned music.

So, if you're an unsigned artist, or you are sleeping with an unsigned artists, tell them about DJ Octoon's show and blog.

www.djoctoon.blogspot.com

That's it.

Other posts coming soon.

I swear.

-KV

Fiction Advocate

2011-06-13T16:15:00.000-07:00

Another post about why we link to whom we link to..

If you like literary things, like books and such, check out Fiction Advocate, who is, exactly what he says he is..

We met FA through a friend.

So, yes, he is basically a friend of a friend.

But a good guy, with some writing skills.

He writes a LOT.

So I hope you like reading.

-KV

Links from the Brothel

2011-06-06T16:10:00.000-07:00

Going through our links for this new series has made me realize that we actually don't HAVE too many links...

So...

You got a good site? Send me the link! I just may review it and keep it here on the site...

literarybrothel at gmail dot com

-KV

Script Doctor Eric

2011-05-29T13:58:00.000-07:00

Thus begins a new series on The Literary Brothel entitled "Why we have links to who we link to.."*

Script Doctor Eric is a friend of the site. He's a screenwriter, script reader, and screenplay consultant.

Recently, it seems he has been posting a lot more blog-like entries, and so his site feels a lot like a screenwriting blog. In fact, he even posted about that. (If you clicked the link, you know what I'm talking about...)

Check it out of you're interested in screenwriting, and if you pay him, he'll read your own stuff, too.

Ah, and I see that they also started a Screenwriting Podcast. Welcome to the 21st century, gentlemen.

So, if you're an aspiring screenwriter, I'm sure there are a lot of great sites out there, but in my less-than-well-researched opinion, www.ScriptDoctorEric.com is one of them.

How's that for an endorsement?

Eh, what did you expect from someone at a site called The Literary Brothel...

(Man, do we need a podcast.)

-Klaus

*Title pending review and/or creation of a good title.

Teddy Nutmeg's new blog

2011-05-23T16:41:00.000-07:00

Teddy Nutmeg is currently hiking the Appalachian Trail.

And blogging about it.

Check out Tired, Wed, Dirty and Happy

He's 30 days in...hopefully he'll finish the trail, and the blog.

Do it, Ted.

-KV

Man, it has been a while

2011-05-22T15:57:00.000-07:00

I suppose it's a little late to start posting again...

But maybe that's what I'll do.

Now that the heat is off, and I really have NO idea who is reading the site, I just may start saying some things here that may or my not be read by folks out there.

In other words, stay tuned...

Bukowski on Mundane Conversation and Poets

2010-01-16T02:25:00.000-08:00

When I hear some people talking I am confounded with how far way they are from anything. Most of them speak what they have been taught, not what they have learned. And what they lack most are two things: gamble and humor. Especially the poets. The poets are the worst. But hell, I suppose if I were mainly a painter I'd say that the painters are the worst.

-Charles Bukowski, 1986

Quote from Bukowski

2010-01-09T02:12:00.000-08:00

If you're going to do something you might as well do it.

-Charles Bukowski

Secret Gay Clubs

2010-01-07T09:40:00.000-08:00

Are not to be found

On this site.

(Brothel 404!)

This is The LITERARY Brothel.

So please stop coming here

In search of brothels.

Las Vegas Brothels

Los Angeles Brothels

Gay Brothels

Straight Brothels

Hidden Brothels

Legal Brothels

The only kind of brothel around here

Are ones with words.

Sheesh.

!

-

.

Well...

Since you're here.

Have a look around!

We do some creative writing

And when we don't feel like writing

We analyze the keyword patterns

That bring people to the site

And write things

That look like poems

But are more like rants.

Seriously.

-TLB

How to convert your PC into a Mac

2010-01-05T01:30:00.000-08:00

Buy a Mac.

Seriously.

-Klaus

(Is that bad joke really the post for the day?)

(Yep! See ya Thursday!)

Bukowski Writes a Sample Rejection Slip

2010-01-02T02:04:00.000-08:00

This is a rejection slip, and most of what we receive must be rejected otherwise our magazine would be ten miles long and nobody could afford to buy it even if we could afford to print it.

We too have been rejected and will be rejected again and again. In this business you must expect it. And when it happens you can either quit or write better or try another magazine.

It's true that sometimes a rejection is unwarranted. Our opinion is neither final or anything else. It's only our taste or lack of it. But we can only proceed as best as we think we might know how...

-Charles Bukowski to William Packard
July 13, 1984

Books to Read in 2010

2009-12-31T01:06:00.000-08:00

Klaus Varley

As I'm sure you recall from my New Year's Resolution Post, I, Klaus Varley, vowed to read a book of fiction each and every month of 2010. I've already picked out a book for January (Dune), and instead of doing anything productive this New Year's Eve, I thought I'd do one of my favorite procrastination exercises: make a list.

And so, what follows is a list of books that I swear I'm going to read in 2010 because either it's a "classic" or I bought at a library sale and it has been sitting on my bookcase ever since. (Twenty-five cents? Hell yes, I'll take it.)

Here we go!

(Month - Book - What I've heard)

Jan - Dune - "This is like, the best science fiction book ever." -Parker Briggsmore

Feb - Dragon Seed - "Pearl S. Buck's best work." - Random Amazon Reviewer

March - Sense and Sensibility - "I've only read it twenty times." - My girlfriend

April - Consider the Lobster - "This is a good intro to David Foster Wallace." - English Grad Student who thinks I need introductions to things. (Also in April, Lolita - one of the two books I attempt to reread once a year. The other is The Great Gatsby - see October.)

May - Liar's Poker - "Michael Lewis is one of my favorite authors." - Kyle, attorney, San Francisco, CA

June - The Grapes of Wrath - "You haven't read The Grapes of Wrath? Really?" - My dad

July - Infinite Jest - "Challenging." - More intelligent coworker

August - Red Harvest - "Hammett, Chandler...those guys can write." - Teddy Nutmeg

Sept - The Diamond Age - "This is the best science fiction book ever." - Parker Briggsmore

Oct -The Plot Against America - "This reminds me of your dissertation." - Concerned friend. Also in October, The Great Gatsby, though this is the last rereading for a while - other books need to be reread too.

Nov - The Heart of the Matter - "You're right, Graham Greene a great writer." - Klaus's sister.

Dec - War and Peace - "A classic." - Everyone

And anything else you recommend. I guess.

-KV

First Spinning Class: Jumps

2009-12-29T22:28:00.000-08:00

Klaus Varley

The instructor is a 40 year old woman with .04% body fat. Klaus Varley is a 30 something year old man-child with more than .04% body fat. (But you probably knew that already.)

The hour-long class has just begun. It's nearly empty, the music is loud, and Klaus pedals fast, ignoring instructions to "turn his level up," whatever that means.

"Is your level up?" says the instructor.

"What?" says Klaus, confused that he has been singled out, but also truthfully, because as previously stated, the music is loud.

The instructor points to the lever knob on her bike and motions up with her thumb. Klaus returns her gesture, giving the instructor a thumbs up.

"You're pedaling too fast. Turn your level up."

Klaus yells a bright "OK!" to get into the mood of the class. He reaches down and twists the knob on his bike a couple of sharp turns to the right. Or at least, that's what it looks like. Because it's his first class, Klaus doesn't want to overdo it, so instead of turning up his level, he feigns the motion, and pedals slower, as if struggling with the greater resistance added to the bike.

"Okay class, get ready for jumps!"

Klaus looks down at his bike: stationary. Very stationary. He looks around the room: four people, four stationary bikes. The he looks to the instructor on her stationary bike and thinks, "This should be challenging."

"Go!"

The instructor pops up, standing and pedaling furiously. (This should have been clarified int the beginning - whenever I mention the instructor, it should be assumed she is pedaling furiously.) After eight counts of the chorus of "Cannonball" by The Breeders, she sits back down. The rest of the class does the same. Klaus soon joins in.

"Alright!" he exclaims, his breath quickening, sweat seeping through his shirt.

"You're getting the hang of it," says the instructor, mid "jump."

"What?" yells Klaus, half jokingly. He heard her, he just wants to hear it again. She gives him another look.

"Don't wear yourself out. We've still got fifty-five minutes to go."

Klaus blinks hard, and turns the level down on his bike.

-TLB

Bukowski on Criticism from Literary Critics

2009-12-26T13:57:00.000-08:00

The best way a fake can cover is to call somebody else a fake. Their attacks on me are an affirmation that I"m doing things right. I just go on with what I'm doing.

-Charles Bukowski, 1984

..
.

10 Last Minute Gift Ideas

2009-12-24T03:51:00.000-08:00

Klaus Varley

Don't know what to get mom this year? Forgot to buy that wacky aunt a gift? (To be fair, you're still not sure if she's Jewish.) Luckily, The Literary Brothel is here to help.

10 Last Minute Gift Ideas

10. Your Old Computer If your relative is John McCain, or voted for John McCain, they'll never know the difference.
9. Knives Always come in handy. Especially the sharp kind.
8. Godel, Escher, Bach I know you have it on your shelf. I also know you're never going to read it.
7. A Kitten Be careful in wrapping - apparently they need air holes.
6. Blue Crush DVD Why do you have that movie, anyway? Give it away. Wrap it in Styrofoam if you want it to look "new."
5. Pens Always come in handy. Especially the kind with ink.
4. A Magazine Subscription Just when you thought these were all going to be joke ideas.
3. Las Vegas Cocktail Waitress Oops, that was so last year. If you haven't bought anything for Tiger yet, I'm sure a blog post showing your support would be plenty.
2. Donation to The Literary Brothel in their Name Support the local arts. (We're now based every city...via the internet...sort of.) For more info, email literarybrothel@gmail.com.
1. Health Insurance Seriously.

Hope that helps!

And Happy Holidays from all of us here at The Literary Brothel. Including team Blue Crush.

-KV

Avatar Spoilers!

2009-12-22T22:34:00.000-08:00

Klaus Varley

-- Caution! This post contains spoilers! Thus the title. --

-- Warnings over. Let the spoilers begin! --

Avatar is in 3D Oh, you knew that? The woman sitting next to us apparently did not, fumbling with her glasses through the opening and leaving the theater after fifteen minutes.

The planet Pandora and the music website Pandora are not the same thing This was obvious to some.

The trees are alive But unlike in The Lord of the Rings, they're more like middle managers, getting animals to do most of their grunt work.

Jake Sully is half robot Oops, wrong movie.

Bows and arrows don't work against space ships Except in the end, when they do. I guess Jake taught the Na'vi how to shoot really hard or something.

Your avatar can have sex But it's VERY unclear how this works, exactly.

Michelle Rodriguez looks hot in war paint WHY she puts on war paint when none of the other humans do is another question.

You don't die if your avatar dies You just wake up coughing.

They should have sent Al Gore to Pandora instead of Ripley With that gun, I'm not surprised the Na'vi didn't trust her.

Seriously.

-KV

Live Blogging from the Santa Monica Library

2009-12-17T12:53:00.000-08:00

Klaus Varley

Right now I'm sitting at a table in the main branch (is that what they call it?) of the Santa Monica Library typing on my computer, thinking how clever it is to be typing exactly what I'm doing, and wondering why I don't do this more often.

The answer to that will come shortly. I can feel it.

I glance ahead at the guy at the table in front of me, and notice that his shirt is blue - I mean REALLY blue. He probably thinks my eyes are just randomly searching the library, and in a sense he's right, but in another sense no, he's not right, I'm writing about his shirt and he probably would NEVER guess that I'm writing about his shirt. Unless of course, he put on that shirt with expressly that purpose.

"I'm going to wear this blue shirt, go the library, and give some blogger who is looking around the room something to write about."

First off, man, this isn't a blog. Well, THIS entry is blog-like, but most of the other pieces are planned expressions of creative writing. (As I write this, I begin to realize that the line has blurred between what is or isn't a blog these days, and that some blogs have elevated the word "blog" so that it's not even a bad thing.)

Then my phone rings.

And by "rings" I mean "vibrates."

It's the car dealership. My car is...not ready? They need to replace the battery? 300 bucks? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

I gotta call them back.

Blogging over.

I mean, creative observations.

Over.

-KV

ps. As I pack my things, the guy in the blue shirt is watching Susan Boyle's performance of "I Dreamed a Dream" on his laptop. How do I know this if he is facing me? Because I can hear it blasting out of his computer speakers, and his eyes are a little misty.

Seriously.

Tiger Woods's Ten Best Pick-Up LInes

2009-12-15T05:28:00.000-08:00

Klaus Varley

The jokes are arriving a little late, as the media - and everyone we know - are slowly diverting their attention away from Woods to petty updates about the health care bill and global warming. Oh well, cant' say we didn't try. -TLB

10. Hi, I'm Tiger Woods.
9. Want to see my driver?
8. By "driver," I mean my "golf driver," not my chauffeur.
7. By "golf driver" I mean my penis.
6. Nice hair. I've never dated a blond before.
5. Can I use five of my billion dollars to buy you a drink?
4. I can make you famous. That is, if you sleep with me and/or save my voice mails and text messages.
3. Did you know Tigers can make love for ten hours at a time? Yes, I did make that up.
2. Fore!...some. Thoughts?
1. Just do me.

-KV

ps. Below is on of the pics of Tiger Woods' wife Elin Nordegren that has guys across the nation doing the "what was he thinking?" scratch of their heads.

..
.

Charles Bukowski Quote on Writing

2009-12-12T02:17:00.000-08:00

The main thing about writing is to write, not to talk about writing.

-Charles Bukowski, 1985

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions for 2010

2009-12-10T01:43:00.000-08:00

Klaus Varley

Yes, it IS early to start making resolutions for next year, but guess what? That's all part of the plan. See my Facebook status:

"KV is getting a jump on his new year's resolutions because he thinks that was one of last year's resolutions, but isn't sure because he didn't write them down...speaking of which, the first new resolution just came to him."

Clever? Boy, I'd like to think so. I'm still waiting for a comment, though, or at least a thumbs up. C'mon thumbs up(s)! Why are my friends not on Facebook at 1am? What do I have 300 friends for anyway?

While we're waiting, let's make some resolutions for next year, and make that status update come true.

To get some ideas, I looked up common New Year's resolutions, which seem to more or less follow this pattern:

1. Stop smoking
2. Get Fit
3. Lose Weight
4. Enjoy Life More
5. Quit Drinking
6. Get Organized
7. Learn Something New
8. Get Out of Debt
9. Spend more time with the Family
10. Help Others

Boring! Get organized? Learn something? C'mon! And repetitive! Numbers 1, 2, 3, and 5 are all about diet and exercise. Sheesh. We can do better than that.

Klaus Varley's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

1. Write down resolutions or post them online (check).
2. Learn Chinese. (Or at least 10 Chinese words a week. That's 500 words a year!)
3. Beat Parker in a triathlon and win a Wii off his slow, trash-talking face.
4. Write a page a day on that freakin' book I started this year, you know that one, oh you don't? Check it out.
5. Read a book of fiction every month. Plan in advance. Carry that damn book with you. January is Dune. ("You haven't read Dune, Klaus?" That's why I'm reading a book a month, so I won't have to answer questions like "You haven't read --title of book everyone but me has read--?")
6. Listen to 30 minutes of Spanish every day. Speak a little.
7. Time your internet usage. Stay away from YouTube. It is the devil.
8. Stop using cliches in your writing.
9. Jump the shark.
10. Make 2011's resolutions in November.

So those are not completely unlike the popular resolutions, and a few of them deal with "learning something new," but at least they're more specific.

And if I've learned anything from past resolutions, it's that being specific - and not talking around things - is the most important part. Otherwise, such declarations that may have significance in the early part of the year, may or may not retain that significance as we move through certain, unspecified months.

Seriously.

-KV

Recent Keywords that landed people on The Brothel (Hello!)

2009-12-08T09:32:00.000-08:00

TLB

Even though they're more like key "phrases" than key "words," the following are the top ten in the past month.

1. Quotes from Glee Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch) is single-handedly keeping our site alive.

2. Gayest Sports Well, we ARE in football season. (Zing!)

3. Vodka Taste Test 2008 [Snaps fingers] We need to send out invites for the Great Tequila Taste Test of 2009. Thanks for the reminder.

4. Best Bukowski Quotes The Brothel used to thrive on Bukowski quotes. Now? It's all about WHGR. (What hath Glee wrought?)

5. Film Review Submission Yes, we accept movies for review. Shoot us an email then shoot us your movie. Then DON'T shoot when we give it a negative review.

6. Youtube Names If you can't devise your own YouTube name, well, perhaps the "you" in YouTube is not referring to you.

7. Best Youtube Names What's with all the YouTube name interest? Oh that's right, you need an account to watch Sarah Palin mashups and name-call in the comment section.

8. Petco Controversy If there's ever a REAL controversy at Petco, our site is gonna be huge.

9. Brothel Names They usually have "massage" in the name.

10. Brothel Tube We don't even want to know.

-TLB

Catching up to (with?) Lady Gaga

2009-12-03T05:06:00.000-08:00

Like arriving at a baseball game in the fourth inning, we here at The Brothel are a little late in discovering the phenomenon known as "Lady Gaga."

After five minutes on YouTube and Wikipedia, we're all caught up. Sure, we don't have all the details of her life memorized - such as her real name (it's LONG) - but hey, we also don't know Bob Dylan's real name, and we've been listening to his stuff for years. Speaking of which, that's actually kind of shameful that I don't know his name...

[Right now I'm definitely NOT looking up Bob Dylan..Oh yeah, Robert Zimmerman!]

Back to Gaga. It turns out we've missed the (artistic) birth of the next serious contender for Madonna's throne. She's been writing song for years, did the New York club scene, and seems pretty down to earth in the recent interview on Ellen.

A lot people might look at her crazy outfits and wild videos and think she's just another pop star selling sex and style. Sure, she's selling that, but as exemplified by the cover art for her single "Poker Face"(above) she's also not afraid to sacrifice physical recognition for stylistic imagination.

Depending on the clip you see, she might come across as a joker, a freak, a feminist, an artist, a gay-rights activist, and, oh yeah, a musician who writes some catchy music.

From a overly-analytical business perspective, this is a great move. People won't associate Lady Gaga with something stagnant, such as a trademark look (or even the face of a 23-year old), but with IDEAS: the unexpected, mystery, and cutting edge of fashion, style, and music videos.

Too much analysis? Alright, here are some clips to help you catch up with Lady Gaga, whom we have just said, is the next big thing. You heard it here first.

Well, not technically "first," but a year late, then "first."

-TLB

Lady Gaga on Ellen

Her performance of Bad Romance on the same show

.
..

Nine, Up in the Air, and other Awards Movies

2009-12-01T01:06:00.000-08:00

Langdon Auger

As an update to the awards season madness, I bring you two new movies. The first is the Rob Marshall directed musical Nine and the other is the Jason Reitman helmed, George Clooney starring Up in the Air.

As a quick aside, I pulled into the theater for Nine and I saw massive crowds and paparazzi. Apparently Brad Pitt and Quentin Tarantino were doing a Q and A session after a special screening of Inglorious Basterds. As jealous as I am that I missed the screening, I was a little shocked at the number of paparazzi who hounded Brad Pitt. This guy can't go anywhere without those guys harassing him and I thought that was pretty sad.

Then I remembered he is rich, attractive, talented, successful, and sleeping with Angelina Jolie and I decided, screw him.

Nine is a musical remake of the Fellini film 8 ½, a trippy mid life crisis film about a director reflecting on his life and the women who shaped it. While I personally consider the original Fellini film too inscrutable and perplexing, many consider it a masterpiece and it should definitely be on everyone's Netflix queue (it's available for streaming video, so it doesn't even need to take up one of your mailing positions).

Everything about this musical suggests it is good. The director did the previous Best Picture winner Chicago. The cast consists of Daniel Day Lewis, Judy Dench, Penelope Cruz, and the ever beautiful Sophia Loren. On a less enthusiastic note, it also stars Nicole Kidman Kate Hudson, Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas, and everyone's favorite conspiracy theorist, Marion Cotillard. That is seven acting Oscars between them, and several more nominations.

But fantastic sets, direction, and a cast to die for can't make up for a lackluster source material. The Tony award winning musical simply isn't that good. I judge musicals based on how long I wait before buying the soundtrack. With Dream Girls, the first thing I did on leaving the theater was find a Target before it closed and buy the soundtrack. I don't feel like Nine has any songs that I want to hum on my way home. But this movie is definitely justified with Penelope Cruz's sex kitten dance. God damn, that's all I have to say. Of course, this film does have the Weinsteins behind it so I can guarantee nominations for Best Picture, Director, Actor for Daniel Day Lewis, Supporting Actress for Penelope Cruz, and all the technical awards no one cares about.

Up in the Air is a fun dramatic comedy from the Director of Juno. My uncontrollable man crush on George Clooney pretty much means I was going to enjoy this movie no matter what. But it is a great movie, dealing with the isolation of modern society, massive economic layoffs, and the quest for more frequent flyer miles. I guess it stars some broad from Twilight, but I won't hold that against the movie. (She was pretty good anyway.) The film has a clever script about the bachelor George Clooney starting to realize he wants more out of his life than he gets as a corporate flyer. It tends to veer into a conventional story line by the end, but I think the film should be a big awards contender. I'm predicting Oscar noms for Best Picture, Director, Actor for Clooney, and an Oscar win for screenplay as a sort of reward for the impressive early career of Jason Reitman.

Overall it has been a weak year for movies. These are all the films made immediately after the writers' strike so that's why so many movies have crap scripts that feel rushed and not fully thought out (I'm looking at you Wolverine and Star Trek). I've heard mixed reviews about The Lovely Bones and I don't think Avatar will be a serious contender for Best Picture, so I am officially calling it right now. Mark my words, Precious will be Best Picture, Best Director for Lee Daniels (this would be the first African American Best Director winner, by the way), Best Supporting Actress for Mo'Nique, and possibly Best Actress for newcomer Gabourey Sibide. You can take that to Las Vegas and bet on it.

-LA

Ten Thanksgiving Things to be Thankful For

2009-11-26T22:28:00.000-08:00

Klaus Varley

10. Turkey

9. Indians

8. I mean, Pilgrims
7. I also mean "turkey" the animal not "Turkey" the country
6. Stuffing
5. Biscuits
4. Prime Rib
3. Family, loved ones, blah blah blah
2. After dinner Rock Band that includes singing "So Lonely" by The Police.
1. Pie

Especially pecan.

Seriously.

-KV

Pre Award Season Round Up

2009-11-24T05:29:00.000-08:00

by Langdon Auger

Hello all. It has been a while since I posted, due in part to the pressures of the global economic crisis, the high demand of grad school, and me just not giving a crap.

But as we head into another awards season, I have several movies to bring to your attention. Because of the writers strike two years ago, we are now suffering through the release of all the films with substandard scripts (Star Trek, Terminator, Transformers, and Wolverine). The same goes for awards movies this year. A good suggestion for those of you with precious few dollars to spend watching artsy films, pay attention to more indie small films as the studio offerings a largely crap this go around.

A Serious Man

The Coen brothers bring us this head scratcher of a film mainly as a way to stick it to their loyal fans who make them a success. This film seems way too interested in presenting complex moral and psychological questions but not letting the audience get any real answers. The entire thing seems to be a joke where the audience is the butt of the joke. But it's pretty good, darkly funny, and another Coen brother's movie which warrants many re-watchings.

Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire

Precious is a story about an overweight, abused, illiterate, pregnant teenager living in New York during the 1980s. This is a story compiled from several different stories Sapphire heard while working as a social worker, so think of it as "God's greatest hits: Screwing Over the Little People." This is a phenomenal film which attracted the attention of Oprah Winfrey and Tyler Perry and has amazing performances from newcomer Gabourey Sibide and ( I kid you not) Mo'nique, Mariah Carey, and Lenny Kravitz. This is a must see movie, the breakout film of the year. It feels a little bit like "Dangerous Minds" and every other teacher-inner city youth formula movie, but there is a high degree of hopelessness that keeps it from being too schmaltzy.

The Road

Delayed over a year for no conceivable reason, this is a depressing post apocalyptic film with Viggo Mortensen that deals with issues of humanity and survival. And Cannibalism, lots of Cannibalism. This is an interesting movie with a killer music score that underlines the depressing nature of the film. The film loses points because at the directors' Q and A John Hillcoat mentioned he cut a scene with a baby roasting on a spit. He could have cut everything else and just put that scene in the movie, I would have paid to see it. Cormac McCarthy wrote the book on which the film is based, so this could be a big awards contender though it might be too bleak to get wide recognition.

A Single Man

I had no idea what this movie was about when I saw it. I knew there was a gay guy in the 60s and he is doing something. But anyway, it turns out to be a ponderous drama where Colin Firth deals with the death of his partner. First time director/ Fashion designer Tom Ford directs a visually arresting film that deals with the meaning of life and the importance of living in the moment. This film is virtually guaranteed to get a Best Actor nomination, but I don't know how well the film will be received for other awards. Also, I confess to never having been a fan of Julianne Moore.

Invictus

Clint Eastwood continues his stellar directing career with this film. It is basically The Mighty Ducks, except that instead of hockey it is rugby. And instead of Emilio Estevez reconnecting with his dad, it's a country trying to pull itself back from the brink of a horrible system of racist segregation and violence. But otherwise, its exactly the same. Still, the rugby games are exciting for someone who knows nothing about the sport, and Morgan Freeman manages to be a convincing Nelson Mandela. And Matt Damon is always fun in his movies. I don't know how much of a chance this movie has for awards, but with ten best picture nominees this year it stands a decent chance, while Morgan Freeman might get some attention (I doubt it though).

Coming soon: Oscar Predictions. Yes, it's early.

-LA

Where are the posts from Nov. 17th and 19th?

2009-11-20T22:45:00.000-08:00

They were there

Didn't you see?

Well, no need to look for them

Just trust.

Seriously

There's nothing to see

here.

New postings coming soon.

Every Tuesday and Thursday

Including Turkey Day.

Well, maybe not

Turkey Day.

That's for the Turkeys.

(Or is it? Check back and see.)

-TLB

Klaus in Taiwan - The Flight, Part II

2009-11-12T17:25:00.000-08:00

Klaus Varley

For Part I, see the post that came before this one. Or click here.

Please Note: You might think that since this is the second part of the post on the flight, it would be about the flight back. You would be wrong. The flight TO Taiwan took 14 hours. That warrants two posts, don't you think?

Also Please Note: It actually doesn't matter what you answer to the previous question. Here's another post about the flight to Taiwan.

--The Flight Part II--

4am - Woke up from my night's sleep a.k.a. 2.5 hour nap.

4:30am - Opened eyes.

5am - Realized it was actually 8pm.

8:01 pm - Asked L if she knew it was actually 8pm. Turns out she knew.

8:35 pm - Pong.

9:35 pm - Beverage.

10:00 pm - Bathroom.

10:34 pm - Returned to seat.

10:45 pm - Realized there was only an hour left of the flight. Decided to do some reading.

10:46 pm - One more game of Pong.

10:58 pm - Reading.

11:30 pm - Lights of Taiwan show up in window. Reading ends. Glad I brought TWO books.

11:55 pm - Arrive in Taiwan! Plan the lie to get through Customs. "No, I did NOT know my passport shouldn't expire for at least six month." Can say it well in English, but sucks in Chinese.

Next up: Customs!

Seriously.

-KV

Klaus in Taiwain - The Flight

2009-11-10T00:34:00.000-08:00

Klaus Varley

What the hell do you do on a 14 hour flight? That's what I wanted to know. And now I DO know. And so will you, if you continue reading.

We left in the afternoon. By "we" I mean "L" and me.

4:50 - Miracle of propelling a multi-ton metal box containing hundreds of people into the air achieved....ie: plane takes off, no one appreciates miracle. Feel a little like Jesus surrounded by disbelievers.

5:30 - L wants to start Year One simultaneously so we laugh at the same time. I anticipate problems with this, but go along.

6:30 - The problems have set in: Year One sucks. Now bored, I nearly turn the movie off. L is more patient. We will watch until the end.

6:59 - Movie paused. :)

7:00 - Food served by ultra-thin, Chinese stewardess in a lime green uniform.

7:01 - Movie resumed. :(

7:15 - Year One ends! Consider joke relating the length of the movie to the title. Save it for the blog.

8:15 - Trays cleared by fast moving Chinese stewardess in lime green uniform.

8:20 - Strange video games discovered on seat screen-console. Connect-4 seems to go by another name. Pong remains the same.

9:30 - Lights out. Only A-holes remain up with their personal lights or TV screens blaring in the eyes of other people. Or at least, that's what the looks of other passengers seem to say.

10:00 - Alright, alright, I'll turn my screen off.

10:02 - Turn screen off and attempt to sleep. Pong sucks anyway.

10:03 - Realize I have to go to the bathroom. Woman in the aisle sleep looks asleep - but is anyone REALLY asleep?

10:20 - Yep, she is.

10:25 - Try to sleep.

1:00 - Notice the woman shuffle. An eye opens. Caught! I'm up.

1:05 - Waiting for bathroom next to a draped off room where a group of Chinese, lime green stewardesses have congregated.

1:08 - Realize they're called "flight attendants," not "stewardesses."

1:09 - Realize I should probably start thinking about what people and things are called in Chinese.

1:10 - Older woman joins me waiting for the bathroom.

1:12 - Realize I don't know how to say, "bathroom" in Chinese.

1:15 - Bathroom opens up. I let the older woman go before me, much to her amazement...and mine.

1:16 - I go to another bathroom. Apparently I chose the only bathroom with a line.

1:20 - Back to seat to attempt to sleep.

1:30 - Drifting into unconsciously, I realize we've been flying over the Pacific Ocean for 9 hours and wonder what they would have thought about this 150 years ago.

1:31 - Fall asleep thinking about time machines.

...

Tune in Thursday for the exciting conclusion of "Klaus in Taiwan - The Flight!" I promise big surprises.

Seriously.

-KV

Jet Lag is Crazy

2009-11-05T12:02:00.000-08:00

Which is why the only post today will be this one, telling you how crazy jet lag is.

Tune in next week for posts about Taiwan. Yes, with pictures! (Or video? Check back Tuesday and see!)

-KV

Sure, it's really Tuesday

2009-11-03T11:55:00.000-08:00

Reader comments to the contrary, this post really is on time...it really is Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009. We would never fail to update on a regular basis.

Alright, back to Taiwan stuff. Because we're still in Taiwan doing Taiwanese things.

Seriously.

-KV

Klaus Varley in Taiwan, Day 1

2009-10-29T11:16:00.000-07:00

Klaus Varley

If you didn't know before you read the title to this blog, I am in Taiwan. I'll be writing about it and posting pictures, and hopefully it'll be very funny and only slightly racist, and not the other way around.

If this blog ends after this sentence, it means I haven't figured out how to get online, or I DID figure out how to get online, but got lost amidst the confusion and jet lag and forgot to post. (In other words, I'm not really in Taiwan while I'm writing these words, but by the time you read this I will be.)*

---
* Parentheticals do not count as additional sentences. Nor do starred footnotes.

Conversation between the pilots of Northwest Airlines Flt 188

2009-10-27T20:30:00.000-07:00

Klaus Varley

On October 21st, 2009, on a routine flight from San Diego to Minneapolis, Captain Timothy Cheney (53) and First Officer Richard Cole (54) were out of touch with air traffic controllers for 78 minutes and overflew their destination by 150 miles.

It was discovered the two men were distracted by their laptop computers.

We at The Literary Brothel already knew this, however, as one of our members overheard the conversation between the pilots while waiting in line for the restrooms at the front of the plane. This is what was heard:

---

Captain Timothy Cheney (CTC): Are you ready to be my white tiger?
First Officer Richard Cole (FORC): Ready.
CTC: Powered up?
FORC: I'm trying.
CTC: What do you mean, trying?
FORC: It won't let me pick up the thing. I'm clicking and it's not picking up.

[Rampant clicking is heard. Then an odd BRRRRINGG!]

FORC: Got it.
CTC: Did you hear that?
FORC: This game has great effects.
CTC: I know. I've never heard that one before.
FORC: They're always surprising you with new sounds.
CTC: Badass.

[Computer noises of some sort that could be warnings from air traffic controllers, or could be part of a sweet video game.]

FORC: I want to explore the forest.
CTC: Hold on there, Fork, you just advanced to level twelve.
FORC: I told you never to call me that.
CTC: Get over it.
FORC: So what about the forest?
CTC: Forget about it, Fork, you're not ready.
FORC: That's it!

[Typing sounds.]

FORC: Rawwrrrrrr!

[Furious clicking of the like that have seldom been heard before.]

CTC: What the hell, dude?
FORC: Rawr.
CTC: Did you just attack me?
FORC: Rawr.
CTC: Alright, stop saying that.
FORC: What are you going to do?
CTC: This!

[The unmistakable sound of a dramatic pressing of a button.]

FORC: Noooooo! Nooooooo!
CTC: Muhahahahahaha.

[In the background, an odd beep and what sounds like the voice of a radio transmission asking for verification of coordinates or something. It is quickly drowned out by...]

FORC: Noooooooooooooooo!
CTC: Rawr.
FORC: I built that character up for six months!
CTC: When you play with the bull, you get the horns.
FORC: I'll give you the horns.

[Silence]

CTC: What does that mean?
FORC: Beats me. Another quest?
CTC: Let's do i--Wait. What time were we suppose to get to Minneapolis?
FORC: Oh shit.

-TLB

On the Comments on "Medical marijuana is an insult to our intelligence" by Charles Lane of the Washington Post

2009-10-22T01:43:00.000-07:00

by Charlie Luzon

It may be helpful to read this short op-ed piece by Washington Post opinion writer Charles Lane before reading on. Or not. Whatever. -KV

When Charles Lane decided to write a short column on how the majority of medical marijuana recipients are not people with chronic pain or illness, but just ordinary folks who want to smoke weed, he should have stuck to the facts.

Because he's right - people ARE taking advantage of the system. And yes, we should have an open debate on legalizing marijuana instead of the strange "sorta-legal" system we have today in states like California.

Instead, Lane just did what one might do in an opinion piece - he gave his opinion. But because it was in the Washington Post (online), you'd have expected him to do a little research. I mean, at least a LITTLE.

Lane admits he's "unsure" about marijuana legalization, musing how it's likely a "gateway drug." Gateway drug? I haven't heard that argument since my days in DARE (and since I realized that by definition, alcohol and tobacco lead the charge). The author also refers to marijuana sold in dispensaries as "snake oil" since it is not regulated by the FDA. Chinese and Eastern medicine advocates everywhere blinked.

How did readers react to such declarations? Were they 50/50, for and against the piece? Let's just say, "no." No they were not.

Also, Lane probably did not know that the web and the bong go hand in hand. Posted on Tuesday, Lane's piece has more comments than anything he's written this year. The ratio? Out of the first twenty (did you think I was going to go through all the comments?) 1 supported his argument, 1 was neutral, and 18 were against. Ardently against.

That's what you get when you take a shot in the dark, and in the dark is giant monster that doesn't like to be shot.*

Some choice comments:

"When alcohol and tobacco have legal status, the stench of hypocrisy that emanates from the likes of you complaining about "Medical Marijuana" being an insult is unbearable."

-HumanSimpleton

"Every time I read ignorant crap like this posting, it makes my blood boil. This filth has no place in a paper as famous as the Post for its journalistic integrity."

-cv_collins

"Your self righteous, ignorant musings are causing me direct harm by denying me legal access to a harmless herb."

-gbeckmann9

"Are you a journalist or newspaper jockey? Ironically, it was Hearst's yellow journalism that got us in this mess in the first place, but I am sure an irony is lost on you."

-snowbank

"How are alcohol and tobacco not schedule I drugs when they are highly addictive and have absolutely no medical value?"

-wildmonkey12

"Thanks to the Washington Post, reading has become an insult to my intelligence."

-moharr

There are so many great responses as well as humorous cheap shots, it's hard to know where to end the piece.

I'll just say this: I agree with wildmonkey12.

Don't we always?

Seriously.

-CL

---
* In this case the "monster" is online marijuana advocates.

The Literary Brothel vs Love the Cock

2009-10-20T11:50:00.000-07:00

I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend who heard it from another you've been messin' around.

-REO Speedwagon

Though we have about 5 followers on Twitter, one of them is @ShannonAlbert* (you may recall Shannon from this post**) who recently informed us that Jeff Lundquist or whomever bought www.TheLiteraryBrothel.com linked it to a porn site for a brief period of time.***

I was confused by this, as now the www.theliterarybrothel.com goes straight to GoDaddy.com. Today, however, while running our weekly (not really) Google search for "literary brothel" the first result was a bit surprising: www.lovethecock.com

Love the Cock
www.lovethecock.com

Could this be a site for poultry lovers and foodies? Um, no. As porn sites do, "Love the Cock" quickly dispels all mystery with bare description:

"FREE GAY PORN MOVIES & GAY SEX VIDEOS XXX TUBE"

First of all, we had no idea there was an XTube AND a double-X Tube LET ALONE a triple-X Tube. Vin Diesel should be proud.

Second, why would a search for "literary brothel" lead visitors to a gay porn site? The only reason we can come up with is that Jeff Lundquist or someone at National Contact Registry linked us to it. Perhaps they were upset that the third result in a search for "National Contact Registry" finds our subtly titled piece: National Contact Registry Can Suck It.

Or maybe it was an accident?

Maybe we'll never now.

Meanwhile, when Googling "literary brothel," avoid clicking that "I'm feeling lucky" button.

Unless you're ready to see a lot of cock.

Seriously.

-KV

---

* Names on Twitter are written with an @ sign before them. This causes mass confusion at first, followed quickly by mass boredom.

** The National Contact Registry is the group who bought the domain www.theliterarybrothel.com when we failed to immediatly renue it, and then illegally continued to post material published material from our site. If you clicked the link up there, then these words you're reading probably seem quite repetitious.

*** Sorry about all the links. And the stars.

A letter to the neighbors moving in that I didn't give to them, instead rewriting it to make it "nice."

2009-10-15T01:50:00.000-07:00

To Our New Neighbors Below Us:

Thank you for your note last month alerting us of the ongoing construction on your unit. It was very polite and cordial. And quiet. The letter was, I mean.

For the most part, the construction noise has been reasonable, intermittently scaring the crap out of our me and our cat eight hours during the day. But those are business hours, so, whatever.

Today, however, the pounding began at 7am. Because the GRRRAZZZZHTTHHHHZZZ and HHEEPPPECKCKKKKKKKACCKKKKK is directly below our apartment, it is impossible to block out the noise. (You may have though I was joking about how the noise scares me and the cat. Now you know I was not.)

Is there any chance that future work on your place could begin later in the morning? That would be greatly appreciated and super conducive to a neighborly atmosphere.

Warmest Welcome,

-Charlie Luzon

P.S. The letter can also be summed up in the following poem:

When you move in
I can stomp
and you'll hear it
So tell your construction people
to chill.
As Klaus says,
seriously...

In the News

2009-10-13T21:39:00.000-07:00

Klaus Varley

It's not as if it's late on a Tuesday night and we promised to update every Tuesday and Thursday so we're pulling the headlines from Google News and making jokes about them. No, it's not like that at all. -KV

GOP's Snowe shaped health bill before backing it Allegedly, Snowe folded the papers into a swan, trying out the origami recently learned from a YouTube video.

U.K. to Add Troops in Afghanistan In other news, U.K. to subtract troops from Buckingham Palace after realizing muskets and high stepping is really more of a distraction than protection.

Nobel panel defends decision to award peace prize to Obama The panel also wonders if you know who Martti Ahtisaari is. If not, shut the hell up about the damn prize.

Health Insurers Emerge as Obama's Top Foe Just edging out Bowser, who might be waiting in the next castle even though Obama already knocked him into the lava.

Michelle Obama Offers More Healthy Food Tips With this headline, Michelle Obama has now appeared in the news 183 more times than Laura Bush did her eight years in the same position. (What did Laura Bush ever promote?)

UCLA student charged with attempted murder in attack The bad joke around campus: "Biology is a tough major, but Chemistry is cutthroat."

A Historic Success In Military Recruiting This came as no surprise to the armed forces. The secret? Plant the seed early. Recruiters spotted handed out "Happy Deals" to unsuspecting kindergarteners who thought they were playing a fun contract game.

Why Rush Limbaugh Belongs In The NFL He can do the 40 in 4.4 when running the pharmacy to get more Oxycontin. And I hear he loves black people. LOVES them.

Seriously.

-KV

Best (Worst?) YouTube Names

2009-10-08T00:16:00.000-07:00

Klaus Varley

The names below are culled from the comments section of the YouTube video, "Glenn Beck DESTROYS Richard Blumenthal, " which, after searching "Glenn Beck" on YouTube, was the first pro-Beck video to come up. The first seven or eight did not paint Beck in such a glowing light, and the commenter names weren't nearly as humorous.*

What's in a name? Everything. Okay, not "everything," but names say a little something about your personality - especially if you chose it yourself. Below are a collection of YouTube monikers followed by an educated guess about the character of the person behind the letters. -KV

---

nowhiteguilthere - Native American shaman.

FatLibertarian - Likes meat.

demdouches - Did not wait in line to see Capitalism: A Love Story

ilovethiscountry1 - Brazilian beach volleyball referee.

TheTruthHurts9999 - Has good teeth.

MissingGWdotcom - Didn't miss Bush when he was on vacation 42% of his time in office during the eight months leading up to 9/11.

TheLiberalssuckdick - Loves an old fashioned mix of conservatism and homophobia.

northernpatriot54 - Proud to be a Canadian.

mssedmebich - Good at dodging spelling classes.

anticheese - Lactose intolerant.

GreatSatan1 - Great at evil, bad at disguising motives.

chancellordumbfuck - A fan of contradictions.

tasha19862005 - Likes numbers.

punishobama - Into S&M.

chocolatefuckingmilk - Peter Pan.

-TLB

---
* Star.

New Posts that aren't Quotes - Coming Soon

2009-10-06T17:28:00.000-07:00

Klaus Varley...has a lot in the works.

Charlie Luzon...may have something in the near future.

Langdon...is watching movies. He will probably have something soon.

Parker...is playing RockBand.

We update every Tuesday and Thursday.

Check back to see if we were lying...

-TLB

Quote on the Health Care Debate

2009-10-06T17:25:00.000-07:00

"I feel like I'm debating a pyromaniac in a straw-man factory."

-Representative Anthony Weiner (D - NY)

...

Quotes from Glee

2009-10-01T01:18:00.000-07:00

Though it's a pretty blatant ripoff of Election, and our enthusiasm for the new Fox comedy Glee has faded a bit since the first two episodes due to a decision to apparently make it a show about high school pregnancy and coming out stories, there's still some choice lines in the show. Here a few of them, probably incorrect since we're doing this from memory, but hey, we're not going to watch the whole darn episode again just to get it right...or are we? -TLB

"Who's Josh Groban? Kill yourself."

"I've got a phoner. That's an interview. I think I'm going to take it on my iPhone."

"And this room is where our daughter or gay son will sleep."

"He (Josh Groban) is an angel sent from heaven to deliver platinum records onto us."

"Why do you think it's my fault?"
"I don't see anyone else around here holding a plate of 'I'm sorry' cookies, do you?"

"I'm a good guy: I'll put up with your crazy, I'm a minority - so they can never fire me. That's about as good as it gets around here."

"All this place needs is twelve bodies under the floorboards covered in lye."

"I bust the windows out yo car."

"If you liked it you should've put a ring on it." (See, there are songs in the show...)

"I want to take over the Glee club"
"Do you want to captain the Titanic too?"

"I'm not homophobic. I have two gay dads."

---

Just watch the darn show already. It's on Hulu. No excuses.

-TLB

The 10 Gayest Sports

2009-09-29T01:45:00.000-07:00

In preparation for writing a random armchair theory piece about how hetero guys get their "gay out" by watching or participating in certain sports, here's our list of the ten gayest sports we could think of. -TLB

The 10 Gayest Sports (in no particular order of gayness)

1. Football
2. Wrestling (all kinds, except co-ed)
3. Water Polo
4. Bodybuilding
5. Rugby
6. Basketball
7. Soccer
8. Bobsledding
9. Grappling (see "Wrestling")
10. Arm Wrestling (see "Wrestling" but minus all parts of the body except for the arm)

An explanation to come. For now, discuss!

(Note: the word is "discuss," not "discus." "Discus" is definitely not gay. What's gay about throwing a disc?)

-KV

ps. The phrase "not that there's anything wrong with it" has been conspicuously omitted from the piece, due to its overuse in society since its airing on that Seinfeld show. However, consider it there in spirit, after anything you might consider remotely homophobic.

Ten Ways to Lose Weight

2009-09-24T01:17:00.000-07:00

Charlie Luzon

We know what you're thinking: "It's not Thursday, yet this post is dated Thursday." Really? It's not Thursday? Prove it. -TLB

Recently I've shed a few pounds by changing my diet and some things in my lifestyle. Though I'm not exactly sure which combination of things led to the weight loss, here are ten possible reasons - in the the form of instructions - in no particular order.

1. Stop Drinking Soda
2. Take a Spinning Class at least Once a Week
3. Eat Less Meat
4. Park Far From Your Job / Errands
5. Stop Drinking Sobe Energy Drinks (See #1)
6. Eat More Fruit
7. Eat More Vegetables
8. Lift Weights Twice a Week
9. Do Something Called an "Elliptical Machine" Twice a Week
10. Swim

Hope that helps.

-CL

PS. This may seem easy, but many of these things take time and effort and a new appreciation of things like vegetables, fruits, and non-refined sugars. Seriously.

The Erronous Headlines of Google News

2009-09-22T01:54:00.000-07:00

by Klaus Varley

Every now and then (and now and now and now) I procrastinate our "real" work by surfing the web and reading news headlines. Most of the time this constitutes heading over to Google News and finding the latest stories.

Because Google News updates so quickly, I imagine news services must regularly rush to release their latest breaking news. And in the rush comes some errors. Here are some we've collected here at The Brothel over, well, as you can see by the headlines, we've been doing this a while.

---

"Hearing on Franken absentee case set for Wedsesday"
-Associated Press

"Mile did not win best picture, though Sean Penn got a Best Actor Oscar for his portrayal of the 1970s era gay politician Harvey Milk."
-Associated Content, CO

"ABC News: Heath Ledger Wins Posthumopusly for 'Dark Night'"
-abcnews.go.com

"Will Gmail's outage make me think twice about Edu Apps?" There’sa very short answer here: No. Not for a second.
-ZDNet

"Star salsa dance teacer arrested in sexual assaults."
-Los Angeles Times

Obam Delivers Health-Care Speech at U-Md. Campus
Washington Post - Anne E. Kornblut - ‎16 minutes ago‎

Abdul channels degeneres at 'Divas Live'
-msnbc.com

---

Who the hell's Obam and why does he get to deliver health care speeches?

Seriously.

-TLB

The Best Bukowski Quotes

2009-09-19T01:51:00.000-07:00

are here on The Literary Brothel.

I'm not sure why.

Oh yeah, because we're fans.

Here's the page you can see them all: Bukowski Quotes on The Literary Brothel

You're welcome, Bukowski fans.

And check back for more.

Seriously.

-TLB

Accepting Film Submissions for Review

2009-09-17T04:49:00.000-07:00

Klaus Varley

As you may have guessed from the numerous entries by Langdon Auger (and a few from yours truly) here at The Brothel we have been known to a film review or two.

We realize, however, reviewing mainstream films does little to help the struggling filmmaker who cannot find distribution for their small indie flick.

So if you're one of these filmmakers, and you'd like your movie reviewed on a site that gets a decent amount of hits, send us you're movie. Either Langdon or I will take a look at it and review it on the site.

However (and this is the last "however" for today), we only give honest opinions. Sometimes we exaggerate for comedic effect, but that exaggeration is honest. Seriously.

How can you send your film? Email us, and we'll give you an address where you can mail the DVD.

Unless it's online, then just email us the link! (literarybrothel@gmail.com)

Lastly, no porn please, name of the site to the contrary. I know what the site is called.

Seriously.

-KV

ps. If you have any friends who are filmmakers, or maybe you work at a festival, or are in film school...this applies to you as well. Send whatever ya got!

Thoughts on District 9

2009-09-15T01:23:00.000-07:00

Langdon Auger

Broken into five thoughts, for easy reading consumption. -TLB

1. How is it that Transformers 2 cost 200 million dollars to make, and yet District 9 had better special effects? I believe this is the law of diminishing returns. Now the more we spend on special effects the less difference it makes. We are starting to get to the point where special effects can't get much better and become truly pointless. There is no reason to render Optimus Prime in such detail. We don't need every gear and lugnut in painstaking IMAX. This is why District 9 could rock ass for 30 million dollars and still be believable.

2. How amazing is it that we have a small movie with no stars, no Americans, heavy accents, and a solid R Rating that comes along and rescues the summer movie season? And what's interesting is that the film doesn't really explain everything in painstaking detail like you would expect from a Hollywood movie. It doesn't really explain why the aliens are there because its not important to the story of the film. On the one hand that bothers me because I want back story, while on the other it impresses me that they would leave so much to the imagination.

3. Sharlto Copley is a fantastic actor. He runs the gamut in this film from dweebish bureaucrat to action star and it is pretty believable. How do they find so much talent in somebody who has never acted before?

4. I truly hope that this movie becomes a science-fiction Easy Rider. For those of you who don't know, Easy Rider was a kind of dopey counter culture film from the 60s that was made on the cheap and became immensely successful. It turned Hollywood towards smaller productions and more individualized projects shepherded by interesting directors. It might be too early to tell but I hope the execs start to realize that they can get interesting science fiction movies made for cheap and that they don't have to shovel Transformers size budgets at the problem. With the reduced budgets can come more daring movies, more R ratings, interesting directors, and less pressure on opening weekend box offices.

5. Well, I can dream can't I?

-LA

Jeff Lundquist Minneapolis Real Estate

2009-09-10T01:25:00.000-07:00

by TLB

Remember how someone snatched up our domain name and is now illegally publishing the content of The Literary Brothel?

What are we talking about? And you call yourself a web surfer. You don't remember the classic Brothel pieces National Contact Registry can Suck It or National Contact Registry is Illegally Publishing our Content? Okay, we thought so. Now let's move on.

Apparently the person who is illegally publishing The Literary Brothel is Jeff Lundquist of Minneapolis Real Estate. (Please save all Minnesota jokes until the end.) That means unless we hear otherwise, he's on our "naughty" list.

Now, I know what you're thinking, "Why would a real estate agent in Minneapolis of all god-for-saken places buy up domain names and illegally publish their content?" First, I said save the Minnesota bashing until the end. Second, it doesn't make much sense to us either. Why would a real estate agent in Minnesota of all places want to break countless copyright infringement laws by publishing article after past article of The Literary Brothel?

Beats us. Maybe it's not Jeff Lundquist. Maybe we have the wrong man. Maybe he can still make our "nice" list in time for Christmas. Seeing as we haven't done anything that could be considered "research," we might be jumping to conclusions.

However, we recently got a message from "Shannon" alerting us to her newly created site, National Contact Registry Stole My Site. On it, you'll see links to testimony from a number of people who have all fallen victim to National Contact Registry's nefarious deeds, and they name Jeff Lundquist as the culprit. So for now, he's the man.

Although I have to say, our testimony is TAME compared to the rest. One guy had heart trouble, went in the hospital, let his domain expire, and still couldn't get it back from National Contact Registry. Guess they'd heard one too many, "I had heart failure and accidentally let my domain expire" stories.

Really, people are pissed about this. One guy posted daily updates on his new blog counting the days since National Contact Registry stole his domain. That's persistance.

Apparently it upsets bloggers when you steal their work and publish it without their permission. But now we're banding together. Shannon has done the right thing in creating her website in hopes that this might turn into a nice, civil, class-action lawsuit.

Unless of course, she lets the domain expire and it's bought by National Contact Registry.

Seriously.

-TLB

Is it Tuesday Already?

2009-09-08T13:37:00.000-07:00

A poem by Klaus Varley

These days

we update The Brothel on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Today

I totally forgot it was Tuesday

because of the holiday

weekend.

But then

I remembered:

bad poems

count as posts

and are easy

to write.

The only danger

is

they leave the reader

feeling somewhat

unsatisfied

even when

you throw in

an apology

at the end.

And so

I'm not going to

do that.

Seriously.

-KV

Long Live Curb Your Enthusiasm

2009-09-03T05:41:00.000-07:00

Langdon Auger

Here you go Brothel readers, a lazy post that involves quoting someone else. -Langdon

Not sure where he got this. Langdon has his ways. -TLB

Larry David on the possiblity of another season of Curb Your Enthusiasm...

Larry David: "There is a good possibility i could do another season. And if not, I'll find something else to do. I would like to meet a woman who likes me at the same time I like her. But I realize that's impossible. And against Nature."

Obnoxious Entertainment Weekly reporter who is still paying off his student loans from a college where he dreamed of being a relevant journalist serving his nation with important stories, so sad, such a failure, god I hate this magazine: "But Larry, you've pulled off the Seinfeld reunion miracle--isn't anything possible?"

LD: "No. Nobody can pull that off. They like you and you like them? And you're having sex? That's not happening."

-LA

Top 10 Things that Seem like Bugs When You're up at 3am (and maybe a little paranoid)

2009-09-01T03:10:00.000-07:00

Klaus Varley

If you doubt this was written at 3am, please reread. -TLB

10. Freckles
9. Shadows
8. Bugs
7. Cats (when they rub lightly against your leg and you're not expecting it)
6. Frayed material on the bill of my hat
5. Spots on fruit.
4. Anything you can imagine.
3. Such as baby spiders in my hair
2. Ahhhhhhh! Baby spiders in my hair!
1. Periods (also, ellipsis)

You have been warned.

-KV

My Internet Ritual

2009-08-27T13:53:00.000-07:00

My Internet Ritual
Klaus Varley

If you're reading this, you're probably wondering, "Why did Google take me here when I specifically searched for "LA Asian Fetish Brothel?"

The answer: Google works in mysterious ways.

The answer is also: Welcome to The Literary Brothel! Since you're obviously an experienced internet surfer, I wanted to share with you a (virtual) wave of my own.

Below I've taken you step-by-step - including links - through a recent round of surfing by yours truly, Klaus Varley.

Who is Klaus Varley and why should you care which sites he visits? Let's table that question for now, at least until you've finished reading the next section.

A Quick Ride Though Klaus Varley's Internet Ritual

First, we go to Google, but instead of looking for anything particular (such as "LA Asian Fetish Brothels," as an example), we click the News link at the top that takes us to Google News.

After skimming the headlines, and clicking on an article about the falling cost of the Xbox 360, we feel thoroughly informed about all news around the world and move on. That was two minutes well spent.

Next we hit up The Literary Brothel, yes, this site. Any new comments? No? WE HATE ALL OUR READERS!

Just kidding. We scroll down to the "Friends of the Literary Brothel" links on the left side and start clicking. Today we hit up A Lotus Grows in Brooklyn, but alas it's on "vacation" or something. (Isn't vacation the best time to update your blog?) Next it's on to the very literary, often over-our-heads-because-we-don't-read enough The Fiction Advocate. A new post about James Wood? Oh yeah. Cool. I guess. Um. Who is that, again?

Shamed by our intellectual inadequacy, we go to Facebook. Ah, mundane comments and a cool link or two from friends with even more time on their hands than us. We drop a snarky (that's right) comment on a lame picture posted by Parker Briggsmore, and we even update our status: "...saw a houseplant dive to its own death before our very eyes!" It's true.

We start to feel the moral pangs known to all procrastintors, and realize we have to get back to work soon. This wave has almost petered out, but not before we get over to YouTube and catch a couple of new vids from The Young Turks. Oh no!

Now we're angry at Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh, and we go back to Facebook and troll for anyone who repeats the retarded talking points of the right and attack attack attack! and by now we've not only lost time but we've lost our sense of humor, and the only worst possible thing we could do would be to...blog about it.

After I click "Publish Post" we swear we're off to the YMCA for a workout.

Oh, the YMCA - our source for future posts.

Stay tuned.

-KV

---

PS. What's your ritual? Is it lamer than ours? Impossible, sir!

PPS. Is "lamer" a word?

PPPS. Apparently it's a French facial cream. La Mer. Try it.

..
.

Top Ten Secrets About Obama's Health Care Plan

2009-08-25T01:31:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Secrets About Obama's Health Care Plan
Klaus Varley

Obama or Democrats or any other socialist you ask about these claims is going to deny them until the cows come home. Even after the cows are home, they'll still deny them. There's a reason they call them secrets. -KV

Under Obama's plan...

10. All blue-eyed children will be forced to wear brown contacts.

9. Spitting on the sidewalk will become a privilege, not a right.

8. Abortions will not only be covered, they'll now be called, "Happy-Fun-Baby-Death."

7. The name of the country will be changed to "The United States of Canafrance."

6. New York Post cartoonists won't be covered.

5. Double-dutch will not be allowed in schools for fear of injury.

4. Our prescription drugs will be replaced with tie-dyed flower hippie peace medicine made in China.

3. Old people will be given a pop quiz. For every wrong answer, the government gets to take a year off their life. The quiz is in Swahili.

2. Babies born in Hawaii will have their birth certificate implanted in their skull.

1. All your base are belong to us.*

Seriously.

-KV

---
*Go HERE for an explantion of AYBABTU. That's some nerd stuff for all the Parker Briggsmores out there. Seriously.
..
.

Naked Nacked Naced?

2009-08-20T05:55:00.000-07:00

Necked Nacked Naced?
Klaus Varley

Here are a few of the craziest phrases people searched last week that landed them here on The Brothel. The title will make sense in the end. Promise. -KV

25 random things about me If you don't know these things, a Google search probably won't be much help.

dean cain look alike gay porn Dean Cain is so 1997. Now Gerald Butler on the other hand...

glowing blue dong Combine this with the previous search and you've got a (nuclear) bomb party. [Note how we used the word "bomb" to both make a joke and sound like the kids.]

how to start toothpase business Oh, we wish we knew. And we wish we knew how to spell "toothpase" too.

internet makes you dizzy The best place to find a remedy is, of course, to search for solutions on the internet, or as you call it, "the dizzy machine."

is there a difference between skyy vodka and grey goose vodka Yes. See our vodka taste test.

la asian brothels Where? Where? Wait, we mean, dude, brothel's are illegal.

nacked lady sex with man "Nacked" ladies are our favorite type of ladies.

prestige one of the worst vodkas We don't think so, friend. See our vodka taste test or that link three lines up that leads to the same taste test.

sunshine cleaning spoilers The whole movie is a spoiler - a mood spoiler! Oh, how we laugh at our own clevers.

watchmen naced ladie Is "naked" really that hard to spell?

Apparently so.

Seriously.

-KV

National Contact Registry is Illegally Publishing Our Content

2009-08-18T02:44:00.000-07:00

This is an open letter, as they say, to the National Contact Registry, remember them? By the subject, we kinda give away our position, but hey, read on anyway if you're feeling read...y. -KV

Dear National Contact Registry,

It appears you have bought the domain "www.theliterarybrothel.com." We owned that website but months ago. We called it The Literary Brothel.

Now, however, The Literary Brothel is no longer there. It is here. Right here. The place where you are reading these words. Yes, in your computer. Hello!

While you have the right to buy our domain name - though we built the reputation of the site - you do not have the right to publish our content.

In other words, this is a cease and desist order. Take it all down or fear the reaper.

I mean, the consequences.

You have been warned.

Sincerely (or something),
The Literary Brothel

ps. Sure, we could contact you directly, but what fun would that be? Seriously, just take down our content so we don't have to contact you at:
National Contact Registry
3033 Excelsior Blvd
Minneapolis, Minnesota 55416
United States
+1.6129158834

Thx!

Bukowski on Health Food People

2009-08-15T10:21:00.000-07:00

"It's true that most health food people are not likeable. They are usually nuts in other ways and are seldom loners or self-contained. I don't like them. But don't let that get you away from the fact that they are right about nutrition. They just make too much of it."

-Charles Bukowski to Al Fogel
February, 1983

Our New Favorite Representative: Anthony Weiner

2009-08-14T15:55:00.001-07:00

Since Cynthia McKinney is no longer in the House, we give you...

Our New Favorite Representative: Anthony Weiner
by Klaus Varley

Just when you thought the House of Representatives couldn't be exciting, a congressman out of New York brings the passion and directness we're all looking for from the people whom we elect to represent us.

There are a lot of gems from Weiner, but here's the clip that made us pay attention:

Be sure to check out Weiner's YouTube page, where he even interacts with comments. Congressmen gettin' all 21st century on us. Crazy.

-KV

ps. If you were waiting for something like, "He's the best Weiner since Oscar Mayer" or an equally obvious joke, sorry to disappoint. We're trying to move away from third-grade humor here at The Brothel.

pps. Now if his name were, oh, I don't know, John Ensign, we might give it a shot. Maybe something to the effect of, "Following sex scandal, Ensign loses chance for promotion to Lieutenant." Just a hypothetical.

Seriously.

Elderly Man in China throws Bricks at Cars that Run Red Lights

2009-08-12T09:38:00.000-07:00

Elderly Man in China throws Bricks at Cars that Run Red Lights
Klaus Varley

This article was sent to us from our friend Steve, a political activist in Portland.

And by "political activist" in Portland I mean "resident" of Portland. God, I love Portland.

Done reading the article about the Chinese ex-professor who throws bricks at cars that blatently break the law and fly through pedestrian crossings? Good.

After posting the article, Steve said the guy in it - Yan Zheng-ping - is his hero. After reading the piece, I concur. Here's why:

A few years ago I was hit by a car while crossing a small side street along Santa Monica Blvd. I was in the crosswalk, the signal displayed the white "OK to cross" man, and I wasn't talking on the cell phone or listening to headphones. And I STILL got hit.

In case you wondered, the feeling was something like, "They're going to slow down, they're going to slow down/no they're not/JUMP!" But you probably guessed that.

While I walked away from the accident, I did manage to smash the woman's windshield with my shoulder and lose my sandal in a nearby storm drain. (Three days later we fished it out with a clothes hanger. Thank you LA weather for never raining.)

Had I been elderly, I might not have had the intuition to jump and roll off of her car. Had the woman been driving an SUV instead of a small Japanese car, it wouldn't have mattered if I jumped. Or as the nurse in the emergency room said, "You got really lucky." When I explained that I was in a crosswalk, she added, "Most people get hit in crosswalks." That made sense (sort of), as I assume most people cross the street in crosswalks.

The event, the conversation with the nurse, and this article all reinforce my belief that drivers should be extra careful when steering their 2000lb boxes of metal across those "walking" lines. If a car runs a light, or puts you in danger, the fines should be great.

Or you should be allowed to hit their car with a brick.

Seriously.

-KV

John Hughes Left Us Bupkis

2009-08-10T08:08:00.000-07:00

Editor's note: While we often agree with Langdon, this time we do not. Perhaps a response piece is forthcoming. Perhaps just editing out some of the negative things he said about The Breakfast Club will suffice. Yes, these pieces are edited. Surprise! -KV

John Hughes Left Us Bupkis
Langdon Auger

Michael Jackson may have molested children, but when he died I was sad. John Hughes died today and I have to say the movie goer is better off.

Let's be clear, there are some high points to his career. Ferris Bueller' Day Off isn't all that bad, and he is responsible for some of the late John Candy's finer work, including Uncle Buck and the undeniably great Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. But then again John Candy was a national treasure (even though he is Canadian I claim him for America.)

But Hughes' other movies are filled with smug crap. Besides dying, the best thing Hughes did was stop directing movies in 1991.

Alright, that may be a little harsh, but let me present the evidence.

Exhibit Ringwald

The Molly Ringwald oeuvre is a trio of obnoxious dramedies that melt the adult intellect into a gray sludge that dribbles out of your ears. And everthing is disaffected. If it's not the disaffected teenage girl pining for the high school jock, it's the disaffected teenage girl pining for the high school rich kid, or the disaffected teenage girl pining for the high school bad boy.

Plus, John Hughes stretched the bounds of Ringwald's acting talents. Seriously.

Lastly, these films - Pretty in Pink, Sixteen Candles, and The Breakfast Club - lack any resonance with teenagers outside a slim, spoiled demographic.

What the hell are you three looking at? Oh don't smile or anything. We all know how tough it is to grow up in a safe, protected, Illinois suburb, free of gangs, drugs, violence, and poverty.

Exibit Breakfast Club

How whiny is The Breakfast Club? "I got a pack of cigarettes for Christmas. My dad puts cigarettes out on me. Somebody call the Wah-mbulance." Everybody has problems, Judd Nelson. Guess what? High school ends in four years. After it you can go get a job in the exciting world of telemarketing or insurance sales.

Exibit Nerd

Why in god's name doesn't the nerdy Anthony Michael Hall ever find any sort of relationships in these movies? Even the weird silent girl with dandruff problems played by Ally Sheedy gets a little action by the end of BC from the future Mighty Ducks coach.

Exhibit Weird Science

At least it's not as bad as Weird Science, wherein Anthony Michael Hall gets a little bit of play from a conjured-genie-electronic-robot-girl thing. And it's not as bad as Curly Sue, an abortive Shirley Temple film starring the multi talented James Belushi. And then there are his post-retirement screen writing credits, including Home Alone, Beethoven, Maid in Manhattan, and Drillbit Taylor.

And even though Ferris is a fun movie, I could personally do without the last half hour where it gets all emotional and introspective. I think it goes south after the art gallery scene where Matthew Broderick bangs what's-her-name. Cameron goes all catatonic because he can't cope with simple human emotions and wrecks his dad's car saying "now he will have to talk to me." I wouldn't mind seeing the deleted scene where Cameron's dad gets hopped up on Old Crow Whiskey and beats Cameron to within an inch of his life. You know Cameron, maybe you could try talking to your father. If he is interested in cars, say this: "hey dad, how is your car?" But no, you're right, it's much better to mope around and passive-aggressively antagonize your father. Because it's not like you're ever going to need to borrow money from him in the future.

Hughes is the man whose movies inspired an entire generation to be ultra-whiny, overly emotional, generally worthless, and have an unearned sense of entitlement.

Thank you for your career, John Hughes. I know right now you are inspiring angels up in heaven to be incredibly petty and narrow minded and revolt over very minor issues that wouldn't bother anyone with a half a brain.

-LA

Bukowski on His Cat and Endurance

2009-08-08T10:17:00.000-07:00

"Just endure if possible. I watch my cat sleeping night and day and this teaches me more than all the books and all the past. Other times it doesn't help. Meanwhile, there's some wine, and the itch."

-Charles Bukowski to Joe Stapen

December, 1980

Glenn Beck's 9 Principles (For Us to Poop On)

2009-08-06T00:18:00.000-07:00

Glenn Beck's 9 Principles

According to the source of sources, conservative television and radio commentator Glenn Beck is on a campaign to extol 9 principles and 12 values - the 9/12 project. No, we are not making this up.

While it could be considered admirable to propose a list of ethics for us to live by, it could also be considered really, really pretentious. Who else does that? Let's see... Oh yeah, god.

The twelve values are straightforward, general, and boring, so they are not listed here. However, Beck's nine principles are hilarious. So here the are, followed by what could be comments from Beck, or might be stuff we thought might be funny - you decide. -TLB

--Glenn Beck's Nine Principles--

1. America Is Good

I mean, American right now, not slave-owning America, or legally segregated America. Why do you have to bring up old stuff?

2. I believe in God and He is the Center of my Life

And is definitely a white male. And straight. Definitely straight.

3. I must always try to be a more honest person than I was yesterday

The key word here is "try."

4. The family is sacred

And so are Jelly Belly's. But who's counting. (Not me. There are a lot of them.)

5. If you break the law you pay the penalty

Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

6. I have a right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness, but there is no guarantee of equal results

Plus, I don't know what that means, I just like the way it sounds.

7. I work hard for what I have and I will share it with whom I want to

Of course by "work" I mean talking into a microphone. What else could "work" mean?

8. It is not un-American for me to disagree with authority or to share my personal opinion

Although this tends to happen far more often when a Democrat is in a position of authority.

9. The government works for me — I do not answer to them, they answer to me

Don't take this to mean the government is efficient and I am satisfied with them. Oh no. No no no no no. I mean that I am the boss and if you don't like that, you are a racist, a socialist, a Latina...ist...or...just GET OFF MY PHONE!!!!1!

-TLB

National Contact Registry Can Suck It

2009-08-04T01:29:00.000-07:00

National Contact Registry Can Suck It
Klaus Varley

Last week it was discovered that due to a bookkeeping error, we failed to renew our custom domain (www.theliterarybrothel.com) before it expired.

The bookkeeper has subsequently been fired, and all books burned.

Okay, no books were burned, but a bridge was.

The bridge was metaphorical.

It was between the bookkeeper and us.

Moving on.

What happens when a domain name expires? What is supposed to happen, is that the page goes blank and all the content it taken down. This is why we have no beef with Yoshiaki Oshima, who bought literarybrothel.com when the prior bookkeeper lost that one.

But this time when we, I mean, our bookkeeper forgot to renew the site, an entity with the legitimate-sounding name of "National Contact Registry" swooped in and scooped up www.theliterarybrothel.com. (Or however it happens. I imagine a virtual pooper-scooper.) Which was fine, until we realized they kept all of our content up.

Apparently this is what they do - steal people's content, and hold the original page for ransom - as evidenced by this post from a poetry website that had the same thing happen to them. (Not as crass as us here at TLB, they chose a much more literary title for their piece, giving it the poetic name,"A Bunch of Shit.")

But will we pay the ransom and try to get our content taken down? No way. (See title.)

Instead, here are some quotes from their own website, and a few snarky comments that prove that you don't have to be a teenager to think like one.

From NCR's website:

"National Contact Registry offers exposure to internet business's throughout the United States by providing a community based approach."

Good to know. And good to know how NOT to use an apostrophe.

"We have helped thousands of businesses throughout the United States. If you are a business owner and you found National Contact Registry, that proves our online marketing skills."

Or it proves that if you surf the internet long enough, you can find anything.

"Helping small to medium-sized companies is our specialty. We do this by providing an affordable way to touch thousands of consumers. By collaborating closely with consumers needs, National Contact Registry is able to confidently provide clients with exposure that every business deserves."

Yet there is no contact information - nor company history - on the site, only a shady form where you enter all YOUR information.

"If your website is not found on the internet your online business is going to fail!"

Unless you are in the business of failing. Then you will succeed!

"Being profiled in one of the largest internet registries will not only increase your exposure but your business."

That reminds me: I need to register the site with directory.google.com.

So what have we learned? Domain speculation is big business. Or at least "business."

And we need another bookkeeper.

With a bridge.

Any takers?

-KV

Bukowski on The Talentless

2009-08-01T10:12:00.000-07:00

"I've found that the least talented scream the loudest, are the most abusive and the most self-assured. They've slept on my couches and puked on my rugs and drank my drinks and they have told me, continuously, of their greatness....Writers, please save me from the writers; the conversation of the Alvarado street whores was much more interesting, and more original."

-Charles Bukoswki, 1980

Transformers: Robot Fall Down Go Boom

2009-07-30T06:51:00.000-07:00

Transformers: Robot Fall Down Go Boom
Langdon Auger

I am not necessarily going to rip this movie a new one. Let me explain.

The second Transformers film is a big dumb action movie but I really don't feel it can be called a bad movie, mainly because it is a sequel. For a movie to be truly bad you have to have the expectation of quality.

That is why The Godfather Part III is a worse movie than Deuce Bigalow: European Gigalo. If the first Rob Schneider movie didn't put you off seeing the sequel then you got the movie you deserved. Clearly the last Godfather movie had much higher expectations attached to it and thus is far more disappointing. For a movie to be really bad there has to be an expectation of quality and disappointment in the film's ability to achieve that quality. That's how Rob Schnieder made a better movie than Al Pacin and how Transformers: Robot Fall Down Go Boom in this sense, is a good movie.

If the first movie didn't prepare you for sledge hammer quality special effects and sound design then the fault is yours, not the movie. Both Transformers movies are dopey and have a lot of scenes that don't make sense.

My favorite particular scene is the new one is where the douche Shia Lebouf is telling his parents they have to go to safety so he can run across an exploding field of Decepticons. You guys know this scene, it's in every movie where one guy yells "you have to go" and the other yells "I'm not leaving you." Well, it happens here because Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci are talentless hacks who put the most cliched and garbled crap in their movie scripts (they also did this year's Star Trek, not exactly renowned for its coherent and fully flushed out story).

Alright, so douchebag is yelling at his parents and he finally convinces them to go. He then turns around and mega-hottie Megan Fox tells him she is not leaving without him and he decides to take her along. I guess he just didn't want to have the same argument again, but reversing his "I have to go alone" position was literally the next line of dialogue after making a big scene of getting his parents to safety.

The other dopey scene was where they go to the Smithsonian to get help from an old transformer who is hiding there as a stealth bomber. That's the Smithsonian. The Smithsonian in Washington D.C. a densely urbanized swampland. So explain to me how they break out the back of the Smithsonian and they are suddenly in the desert. I have an idea, why not put in the script a line about going to the "Arizona Air and Space Museum." That explains the desert. This is also the scene where the mini robot humps Megan Fox's leg and then the robot teleports them somehow to Egypt. I don't know why he did that. Or how he did it. It never made sense.

But as dopey as this movie is you can't hate it that much if you even mildly enjoyed the first movie. I don't understand the screamingly negative reviews. Here is my challenge to all the detractors of the film. We can do this in the comments section. Explain your reason for hating the movie, but use this phrase at the start of your sentence: "Unlike the first movie, I disliked this Transformers film because…" Try it out.

"Unlike the first movie I disliked this transformers film because of the negative depiction of African Americans." You know, as opposed to how the first film showed a delicate and nuanced portrayal of black people and the challenges facing them in a white dominated society.

"Unlike the first movie, I disliked this transformers film because the plot didn't make much sense and the action scenes had big explosions that seemed to come from nowhere." Right, as opposed to the first film and its Chekhovian commitment to dramatic development.

When you frame all the complaints from the film in this way, you see it really is not that bad of a movie. Unless of course you didn't like the first film, in which case more power to you, rip the thing apart.

And now for a special Literary Brothel treat, an exclusive clip from Transformers: Robot Fall Down Go Boom.

-LA

10 Similarities Between Grad Students and Homeless People

2009-07-28T00:38:00.000-07:00

10 Similarities Between Grad Students and Homeless People
Klaus Varley

1. Showering optional.
2. The library is also known as "Home Base."
3. Beards.
4. Nonsensical banter muttered to self. (Grad students will often foolishly repeat said banter to advisers.)
5. Large backpacks.
6. Avoided by undergrads in public.
7. Bicycles.
8. On a first name basis with Benito's Taco Shop workers.
9. Big Blue Bus routes memorized.
10. Inadequate yearly income.

Seriously.

-KV

Bukowski on Control

2009-07-25T10:06:00.000-07:00

"On some days there is total control, you drive the freeways better, you do everything better. Then the other days arrive when you even fear the check-out girl in the supermarket."

-Charles Bukowski, 1979

To All Fans of Futurama: An Emergency Call to Action

2009-07-23T05:43:00.000-07:00

by
Langdon Auger

THE MATT GROENING SERIES Futurama has just recently been picked up for a new season. However, the original voice cast has been fired over pay discrepancies.

The original voices of Fry, Leela, and Bender all have this insane notion that they are somehow partly responsible for the success of the show and therefore deserving of mild recognition for their efforts. This of course doesn't fit into the plans of Fox Television.

Fox's sound judgment has led them to cancel such lesser known shows as Arrested Development, Family Guy, Firefly, and even a show called Futurama.

And a good thing they canceled all of them because it's not like they found new life in syndication, DVD sales, feature films, direct to DVD features, cult fan bases, comic con conventions, or comic books.

Billy West, John DiMaggio, Katey Sagal, and Maurice La Marche are worth it. Fox will surely lose more money from an outraged fan base than they will save by recasting lesser-known voice actors.

If you are as pissed off as I am, or if you simply have a slow day at work, please send FOX a letter telling them how idiotic they are for this move. I'll even pay for your stamp if that represents a financial hardship.* Letters are really weird because nobody sends them anymore, and executives tend to believe that one hard copy letter represents the opinion of about a hundred other people who were too lazy to write.

Futurama
attn: fox broadcasting publicity dept.
P.O. Box 900
Beverly Hills, Ca
90213-0900

Seriously.

-LA

*offer void in states that contain vowels in the name. Seriously, it's like forty four cents, just pay it yourself.

Klaus vs Parker: A Battle of the Texts

2009-07-21T18:34:00.000-07:00

Klaus vs Parker: A Battle of the Texts

Though it's been around for seven or eight years, Brothel co-founder Parker Briggsmore only recently began utilizing the technology known as "text messaging." Probably because he just got an iPhone. (Apparently, it pays to lose your old Nokia brick phone in a movie theater.) -KV

[Please note: Grammar and punctuation left in original form, unless errors were not funny.]

KV: What's a good documentary to watch, give me a suggestion to ignore.

--One hour later--

PB: When the levees fell, best hurrican Katrina doc I have seen.
PB: It's a spike lee joint
PB: He says joints not movies

KV: Too late, no longer in video store.
KV: He does it because he's black
KV: And black people always change words
KV: Into drugs

PB: Don't mess with him, it's bad for your career.
PB: Clint Eastwood made letters from iwo jima and then got into a war or words with spike and then...
PB: Gran Torino

KV: I heard in Torino the asian acting is as good as it gets

PB: Pat Morita and George Takei take offense.
PB: Very slight offense.

KV: Seriously though, need advice - ate a giant burrito two hours ago, but still feel full. ok to swim?

PB: You will likely get cramps, but hey, do it for the laughs at the emergency room.

KV: PS. Tell Sulu I said hi before he leaves tonight.

PB: The cheap gay joke? I thought you were made of sterner stuff, Megatron.

KV: If that's what it takes for you to call me by my transformer name, there's more to come.

PB: Megatron is the undergrad you, now you are the mentally unstable Galvatron
PB: I am Unicron
PB: Destroyer of worlds
PB: Eater of millions

KV: When you buy a house does H know one bedroom is reserved for deceptacons and one for toys of the other group I can't think of their name because I'm not a geek about this shi...
KV: t, like you.

PB: It's decepticons and the autobots, and that geek comment doesn't work when the geek can choke you out.

KV: I'll still clown you on Criagslist.*

PB: Touche.

-TLB

*This is a reference to the multiple times Parker has been verbally assaulted on Craigslist by people who obviously have no sense of his size or temperament.

10 Easy to Cut Items from California's Budget

2009-07-16T00:42:00.001-07:00

Note: I am aware this post makes little sense...just like de-italicizing a word to give it emphasis in an italicized note. -KV

10 Easy to Cut Items from California's Budget
Klaus Varley

Here in California, a lot of people are criticizing the govenator for proposing to cut health care programs for poor children and other wasteful government expenditures. Why doesn't he raise taxes on corporations? Or the wealthy?

"Or the wealthy, what?" I say.
"Or raise taxes on the wealthy," you might retort.
"I see," I might conclude the tangential interlude with.

To help Schwartzenegger...Shwartzenegger...no...hmmm...(I'm not going to look this up, but even if I get it right, will spell check recognize it? Can you spell Schwartzinegger - that's definitely not right - without looking it up? Really? Sure. Yeah, two can play at that game - it's spelled Schwarzenegger, and spell check DOES recognize it.) to help our the Governor, below are ten easy cuts that I'm pretty sure will solve the California budget crisis WITHOUT raising taxes.

Get rid of...

1. Schools - too boring
2. Roads - too long
3. Cops - too mean
4. Firemen - too good looking
5. Water - too wet
6. Power - too powerful
7. Internets - too confusing
8. Libraries - too quiet
9. Sidewalks - too hot
10. Hospitals - too necessary

But not weed.

Seriously, Gov'ner.

-KV

The Great Vodka Taste Test of 2008 - The Video

2009-07-14T10:01:00.000-07:00

I'm sure everyone remembers our post from last December about The Great Vodka Taste Test of 2008.

But you may not remember that we filmed it. Finally, that film has been edited. Hope you like the results.

Warning: The below video contains a little cursing, and more than a little drinking.

-TLB

A New Brothel Feature: Top Posts

2009-07-09T00:00:00.000-07:00

Top Posts
Klaus Varley

Careful readers of The Brothel may have noticed a new addition to our site. If this is you, you are welcome to stop reading this post at any point; the rest of this piece merely explains the details of the new section in an uproariously humorous fashion. (Plus, I just won a bet by using "uproariously" twice in the opening paragraph of a post. Okay, NOW I won.)

Haven't spotted the new section? Perhaps this is your first time here. If so, welcome to The Literary Brothel! We're a creative writing site that has been around - in one form or another...yes, "404" was one of our home pages - since 2001.

Still haven't spotted the new stuff? Alright, jokes aside, it's that group of links on the left side labeled "Top Posts." (I refuse to write "widget" in a sentence. I mean, starting now.)

The point of the widg...page links is to hook those who may stumble upon The Brothel via Google searches of everything from "vegas brothels" to "nevada brothels." However one finds us, we wanted to make fans out of them. Our plan: point them toward some of our most popular posts.

This is not a full-proof plan (more like a 20 proof plan) because even though the posts are popular, it doesn't mean they are our best posts. Why don't I put our best posts on the wid..list? Because there isn't a Google Analytics statistic for "best," that's why.

So, if you have a favorite post (or two, or three, gosh so many favs, m-i-rite?) you feel should be listed in our Top Posts, please leave a comment, shoot me an email, Tweet, etc.

And if you haven't read the current "Top Posts," you've got your reading assignment.

Seriously.

-KV

Terminator Salvation Review - SPOILERS

2009-07-07T07:05:00.000-07:00

Terminator Salvation Review (w/ Spoilers!)
Langdon Auger

Langdon's note: I generally don't like to give spoilers on a movie, but in order to truly convey how silly this movie is, I have to discuss the ending in detail. This is a good moment for those of you who haven't seen the movie yet and still want to see it to go read one of the other fine posts on this website.

Many people were dreading the release of the new terminator movie, but not me. I had faith in it because of Christian Bale and script rewrites from Jonathan Nolan (The Dark Knight, Memento) as well as script doctoring from Paul Haggis (Million Dollar Baby, Crash, the new James Bond films).

Alright, I was a little worried about director McG. He is known for the Charlie's Angels movies, as well as We are Marshall. But mainly everyone was concerned because McG has the stupidest name.

Let me ask the Brothel readers a question, have you ever heard of the city named Yerba Buena? No, you haven't because it had a dumb name and no one wanted to live there. So the city changed its name to San Francisco and that seemed to solve most of its problems. McG, please take note. But here is the funny thing: the movie is competently directed. The action scenes are exciting and the only thing worthwhile in the movie since the script utterly fails on all accounts. Way to go "Mc-dumb-name."

Let's take this 100% true bit of dialogue from the opening of the movie where Marcus Wright (Sam Worthington) is on death row in pre-judgment day times. He kisses a terminally ill Helen Bonham Carter for some reason and remarks, "So that's what death tastes like." Who says that? The film is peppered with such tidbits. Also in this scene Helen Bonham Carter convinces him to turn his body over to Skynet for medical research by telling him, "Everyone deserves a second chance." More on that bit of idiotic dialogue later.

Oddly enough for a futuristic, loosely centralized military operation there is a very strong sense of discipline amongst the rank and file. Future-dad Kyle Reese has a subplot where he is trying to earn his stripes because he is a new recruit in the army. Now me, seeing as how there is little oversight and zero chance of getting caught, I would take some random pieces of red cloth I found on the road and attach them to my sleeve and tell everyone to go screw. History buffs, Baron Von Steuben was the Prussian general who whipped the continental army into shape during Valley Forge. But he wasn't royalty, he wasn't even a general. He just took advantage of a situation unlike this idiot Kyle Reese. But I guess Kyle Reese is just cool like that, having grown up in a futuristic landscape devoid of all civil society and law enforcement.

Now, I would like to take a moment to provide a quick addition to the script that would have made the film a tad less silly.

To be inserted ANYWHERE in the movie.

Random soldier: Why are we still alive? Didn't they just set off a nuclear explosion that typically vaporizes everything in a ten mile radius?

John Connor: The terminators use tactical nuclear weapons with no fall out or electromagnetic pulse because otherwise the nuclear weapons would mess with their own circuitry.

There. I did it. I just fixed a major gap in the story. There is no way you can run fifty feet and jump out of the way of a nuclear blast unless we are playing by Predator rules. This little bit of dialogue explains the blasts in the context of a science fiction framework and makes sense. It also leaves the audience a little less incredulous. It took me about five minutes to come up with this dialogue after seeing the movie, which should show to you how much time they spent on the script.

Also, for a futuristic military leader who has fought cyborgs his entire life, John Connor is inexplicably trusting when he finds Marcus Wright was turned into a cyborg in order to infiltrate the resistance.

John Connor: oh well, you have a trusting face, let's let him go so he can carry out a super secret mission because he is sure to honor his commitment to humans. This is in no way a set up or a trap instituted by Skynet, our sworn enemy who specializes in covert cyborg missions.

Then comes a ridiculous ending. Imagine the ending to Wayne's World where they come out and do they super happy ending and everyone kisses and makes up. That is the exact ending of Terminator Salvation.

A wounded John Connor lies in a hospital bed, dying.

Kate Connor (capably portrayed by Bryce Dallas Howard): He needs a heart transplant.

Marcus Wright: He can have my heart. I am a cyborg and no longer need to live because everyone deserves a second chance.

Kate Connor: Do you realize that what you just said doesn't really apply to this situation? That is simply something you said earlier in the movie and this is a weak attempt to bring narrative closure to a sophomoric script.

Marcus Wright: shut up, just take it. And don't bother to check to see if we are compatible donors, because lord knows there is nothing like having your body violently reject a major organ in a post-apocalyptic wasteland with little to no medical services. And it's also a good thing that heart transplant surgery is a minor operation which can be performed in the field with an under qualified veterinarian serving as chief cardiovascular surgeon.

John Connor: Future dad, I want you to take this red stripe for your uniform. I admire your idiotic sense of discipline in our decentralized military, even though a smarter human being would have just taken the stripes from a dead person.

Kyle Reese: Thanks past-Son, let's all go get ice cream!

-LA

Holy Crap, I thought I knew HTML

2009-07-02T17:42:00.001-07:00

HOLY CRAP (I Thought I Knew HTML)
by Klaus Varley

Holy crap
I thought I knew HTML
But apparently not

I put up a post on Tuesday
And today it has Wing-ding
All over it

Wing-ding!
In places you wouldn't expect

Like South Carolina governors
in Argentina

Or Michael Jackson fans
Outside the hospital
Down the street

Holy Crap
I thought I knew HTML
But obviously not

I have to cut and paste Langdon's piece
Onto a text document
But that picture don't paste

THAT PICTURE DON'T PASTE!

I wanted today's piece to be about Mark Sanford
Or Sarah Palin
Or the demise of the Republicans
I can't get enough

But instead I spent that time
Re-learning how to use HTML

Holy Crap
I thought I knew HTML
But I didn't

Now, I do
A little
Not that much
Don't ask me to work on your website.

Sheesh.

-TLB

Actors Who Should Disappear – Part 2

2009-06-30T06:24:00.000-07:00

Actors Who Should Disappear – Part 2
Langdon Auger

Continuing the basic ideas of my previous post, I want to turn my attention to another cinematic monstrosity.

Bryce Dallas Howard

I get it. Your dad is wildly successful child actor turned film director Ron Howard. But the thing is an Oscar is not hereditary. You have little talent and charisma, yet you keep showing up in the worst possible movies. Let's take a look.

The first major film role you were given was M. Knight Shyamalan's two hour long Twilight Zone retread The Village. You play easily the most unconvincing blind person I have ever seen.

There are scenes where you are running through a field. That must be an amazingly well groomed 16th century ( I mean 21st century, wait no, don't ruin the ending) lawn. There are no potholes, gophers, roots, or minor dips. Same thing when you are running through a forest at the end of the movie. Just because your hands are out in front of you doesn't mean you are immune to the perils of old growth forests.

You followed up that impressive star turn as the wizard-fairy-godmother thing from Lady in the Water. The key to a good career is to hitch yourself to a rising star, not M. Knight Shyamalan. Here you have to jump in the pool but you can't do it because there is a huge black Labrador blocking your way. I'm not sure why - it got boring so I stopped paying attention.

Then you were the scene stealing Gwen Stacy in Spider-man 3. I don't mean scene stealing in the sense that you took the audience's attention. I mean stealing in the sense of Bernie Madoff running away with 50 billion dollars and ruining people's lives. You took any and all charisma out of the movie. I'm even going to blame you for the piano-jazz dance scene, a part of the movie for which you had no responsibility what so ever.

Finally, you showed up in Terminator Salvation in the role originated by Clare Danes. This movie reeked and you were bad in it. It made little to no sense plot wise and the acting was sub-par across the board. It pains me to ridicule Christian Bale and I have to say I am a little worried about Sam Worthington who we will see later in the year in Jim Cameron's Avatar (well, I will at any rate. Brothel readers are free to do as they please). But once again, Bryce Dallas Howard strong arms her way into some heavy handed and purpose-less scenes. I was having a hard enough time sitting through the movie until her ginger face showed up on screen. She just brutalizes her movies and leaves her cast and co stars wallowing in a sea of broken careers and ruined franchises.

To summarize, watching Bryce Dallas Howard act is like watching a poor Ron Howard imitation that I want to have sex with.

In other words, it's very confusing.

-LA

Don't Call it a Comeback: The Janns Steps Incident

2009-06-25T01:09:00.000-07:00

Don't Call it a Comeback: The Janns Steps Incident
Klaus Varley

Every day I climb an enormous, very public, very wide set of stairs on my way to my office at school. You know the stairs. They're the stairs Will Ferrell and Co. climbed in Old School. They're the ones Eddie Murphy ran up in The Nutty Professor. They're the ones that tour guides of the school refer to as "the steps Will Ferrell and Co. climbed in Old School and Eddie Murphy ran up in The Nutty Professor." That's right: Janns Steps.

Yep, that's how you spell it.

Before I begin, it's important for you to understand that at school there is a week-long period between Spring and Summer Quarter when campus is nearly empty and nary an undergrad is to be found. Some call this "the interim." Others, "paradise."

On one of these days during paradise, I slogged my way up the hill, headphones on, wondering why I took this route. Before I got to the top, I spotted a strange shape on the horizon - a Naval officer in full dress uniform. And next to him was a guy in his 30s in a polo shirt.

"Interesting," I thought, and also, "how many more stairs to the top?"

Suddenly, both figures frantically waved their arms as if I'd just stepped into a "no-fly zone." The non-military man hustled down the stairs in my direction, still waving his arms. I turned my head, glancing behind me - there were a few scattered people far off in the quad, but I was the only one on the stairs. I ripped off my headphones and addressed the polo-clad lad.

"Are you talking to me?" I asked, genuinely confused and not wanting them to send Maverick after me.

"No, I don't even know you, why would I be talking to you?" barked the poorly dressed fat man, plodding down the steps. Apparently the people they wanted were the idiotic ones in the quad who couldn't locate the largest, most famous area of campus without a Major and his majorly retarded friend flagging them down.

As you may have guessed from the fair and balanced description above, I was upset. But because of the rapidity of the exchange, I did not get a chance to respond. We were moving in opposite directions - a few steps later I was at the top of the stairs, and he was nearing the bottom. No time for a comeback; the moment had passed.

Yet, due to the wonders of the internet, I now have a chance to respond. Here are some possible comebacks to "No, I don't even know you, why would I be talking to you?" that I couldn't pull out of my hat in the moment.

"Is this a test?"

"I don't see anyone else around, you must be talking to me."

"Annnnngry."

"What? Oh, I'm not talking to you, I'm doing my impression from Taxi Driver."

"I can give you one golden reason you'd be talking to me, and it rhymes with "Crocolate Factory."

"My mom always says that exact same thing."

There we go. Given a moment or two, I could have been the king of Janns Steps. Next time I'll be ready.

What would you have said? Feel free to leave your comebacks in the comments section, but remember: you just took off your headset to politely ask if you were in the way, to which an angry, bitter man responded: "No, I don't even know you, why would I be talking to you?"

Go ahead. Bring your comeback. Do it before the moment passes.

Seriously.

-KV

Five things Twitter is Good For

2009-06-23T03:29:00.000-07:00

Five Things Twitter is Good For
Klaus Varley

Note: this piece was written in June of 2009. If you are reading this and Twitter is obsolete - like, say, it's July 2009 - please feel free to change the title (in your mind) to Five Things Twitter WAS Good For. Thanks! - KV

1. Starting a revolution in Iran.

2. Meeting shy exhibitionists.

3. Tracking celebrities (like Shaq). Hearing about their surprisingly boring lives, and their less surprising lack of insight on it.

4. Reading about people who run and tweet at the same time (like anotorias) while you sit on your ass and surf the web.

5. Seriously, it might actually good for people with the same interests in things (food, movies, Iranian politics...) as long as the tweets stay on topic.

I can't believe I used "tweets" non-ironically in a sentence.

Or can I?

Hit me up on Twitter to find out!

http://twitter.com/KlausVarley

-KV

Bukowski on Gardening

2009-06-20T16:13:00.000-07:00

"I dig in the old garden a bit now and then. The neighbors like it when they see me doing that. A man working in his garden is not a dangerous man (they think). They've heard some wild screaming nights over here when I've gone mad on wine and run about the house naked, up and down the stairs, falling, cursing and all that. They prefer me in the garden."

-Charles Bukowski
April, 1979

Humor Explained: Palin vs. Letterman

2009-06-19T05:14:00.000-07:00

Humor Explained: Sarah Palin vs. David Letterman
Klaus Varley

By the time you read this, the whole "Sarah Palin vs. David Letterman" debacle may be old news. Here at The Brothel we regularly deal in old news, so it doesn't faze us.

To catch you up, below Letterman reads the jokes, the prepared statements from Governor Palin and her husband Todd, and responds to them. Check it out.

There are a lot of humor going on in Letterman's explanation, but we'll concentrate on the two jokes that got Letterman into hot water.

"Sarah Palin was in town this week. The hardest part of the trip was keeping Eliot Spitzer away from her daughter."

When Letterman quips, "I'm surprised we haven't heard from Eliot Spitzer..." he seems to be explaining who should be offended by the joke. That joke only works because the former governor of New York is known for his involvement with a prostitution ring (sting? both?). As in, "You're in New York, a town known for Spitzer's activities, watch out."

But the joke does mention her daughter, so can the Palins be outraged by it? Can they say Letterman promotes the "rape of underage girls?"

Absolutely not. In fact, this joke does the completed opposite. As The Young Turks point out, the punchline condemns someone who would lurch after a governor's daughter, by associating such activity with a man known for his penchant for high-end prostitutes.

The first joke was obviously harmless. Let's address the other joke:

"Sarah Palin went a Yankees game yesterday. There was one awkward moment during the seventh-inning stretch: her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez."

What Letterman conveniently omits from his explanation is that Palin didn't go to the Yankee's game with her older daughter Bristol, but with her 14-year old daughter, Willow.

This is probably why Letterman clarifies the joke was "about her 18-year old daughter." Could this be true even though Palin was at the game with Willow?* Sure. It's entirely possible Letterman's staff didn't research which kid was at the game with Palin. Or as Sam Kinison once said after being attacked for his work, "Sorry, apparently I've been telling medically innacuate jokes. Because when I went to medical school, to write fucking jokes..."

But it doesn't matter, because the humorous part of Letterman's joke is its absurdity: it's impossible for a player to knock someone up during the seventh-inning stretch, let alone the daughter of a celebrity governor. Ha, that's crazy talk! And crazy things make us laugh.**

So if the act is impossible, how does the joke advocate raping underage girls?

First, Palin's statement is misleading when she says "rape." She should say "committing statutory rape" because she assumes that Rodriguez - if he were able to perform the impossible task of leaving the game, taking off his uniform, meeting up with Palin's daughter - would have to force himself upon the daughter. That too, seems unlikely. C'mon, it's A-Rod."

Second, the joke advocates no such thing. Palin's claim is absurd.

But not in a humorous way.

-KV

----
* Who knew the name "Willow" could be used so many times in a post not about the 1988 movie staring Val Kilmer.

**Two more things that make the joke funny:

1. We know that Sarah Palin has a daughter who was impregnated, and though Governor Palin touts "family values" and "abstinance only" education, it's hard not to see the irony in the situation...and joke about it.

2. Alex Rodriguez is good looking and has a propensity to sleep with women. Did I say "good looking?" I mean, "he's alright."

A Letter from Gambit to his Fans

2009-06-17T04:13:00.000-07:00

A Letter from Gambit to his Fans
Langdon Auger

Bonjour,

Hello. It's me, Gambit, the Cajun mutant from the popular comic book series X-Men and I'm here to ask you to please stop requesting your favorite characters in movies.

For three X-Men movies you guys sent in loads of letters to Fox asking for me, and they finally broke down and gave me a worthless role in the recent film Wolverine. Are you happy now? You got a weak, half formed character to mollify the most vocal of online critics without having the character anchored in any meaningful way to the storyline. I literally could have been any character in the Marvel universe. You asked for me, they gave me to you, and now I have been wasted. You won't be seeing me anymore. I won't be in any sequels and it would be awkward to give me my own movie (Just ask that Deadpool guy).

Remember when you guys did this with Venom in the third Spider-Man movie? The same thing happened. Cool villain given fifteen minutes of screen time then criminally wasted because some suits don't understand that a character is only interesting when they are put into the context of a plot where their turmoil is interesting and relevant to the story at hand.

All the people who make movies want to make money, and all of the fan boys blustering for their favorite characters convince them they need to throw as many characters into a movie as they can. Wouldn't you rather have a Venom/ Gambit/ Mr. Freeze/ Poison Ivy/ Bane/ Silver Surfer/ Juggernaut/ Dark Phoenix/ Kitty Pryde/ Colossus/ Blob/ Deadpool/ White Queen/ Sandman character that you could care about? Is it really so important to see your favorite character in a movie that you want them to be thrown into a lousy ensemble cast with little to no background or relevance?

Please, stop asking for your favorite characters. I am asking you this favor on behalf of all of us neglected super heroes who were thrown to the wolves on lousy sequels, and on behalf of whatever villain is being lined up for the next Batman installment. Just because you like me, and I do thank my fans for making me a successful character, doesn't mean I should be in every movie.

Cordialement,

Gambit

How Arm & Hammer Got into the Toothpaste Business

2009-06-15T02:01:00.000-07:00

How Arm & Hammer Got into the Toothpaste Business
by Klaus Varley

Here's a conversation overheard at a board meeting back in the 1990s or whenever the Arm & Hammer empire expanded from baking soda into toothpaste. (If you think I'm going to do research for a fictional piece like this one, you're living in a fantasy world, and it's not the Shire, because THAT fantasy world is full of Hobits who LOVE to look things up in imaginary books. ... .. . I've gone off topic, somehow.) -KV

The head of A&H sat behind his large desk. In front of him, a junior executive nervously pitched his new idea. The room was clean, and smelled fresher than kitty liter. Barely.

"So what you're saying is, people are brushing their teeth with the baking soda?"
"Because of the bubbles."
"The bubbles?"
"The bubbles! Of course."
"Do you know what this means?"
"I'm going to be honest. I have no idea."
"We can get into the toothpaste business."

There was a pause.

"Get the hell out of my office."
"Sir, listen for one second."

The boss hit a button on his desk.

"Security, there's a crazy man in my office."

They sat in silence for a moment, before...

"Did you really call security?"
"No, but most people leave when I press this button. Because it's big."
"I'm not crazy, sir."
"You want us to make toothpaste?"
"Yes."
"Arm & Hammer toothpaste?"
"Yes."
"We make baking soda."
"Correct, but a recent survey showed that though most consumers don't know what baking soda is, a growing number are putting it on their toothpaste."

He handed a file across the desk. The man looked it over. Fast. Then slammed his hand down

"Why didn't you say so! They want bubbles? We'll give them bubbles."

And thus, Arm & Hammer toothpaste was born.

With bubbles.

-KV

Bukowski on Short Stories

2009-06-13T16:08:00.000-07:00

"I think the best idea is to write them the way you want to write them, then look for a market. the deliberate slant automatically takes the juice out."

-Charles Bukowski to A. D. Winans
November 2, 1976

Two Actors Who Should Disappear

2009-06-11T15:54:00.000-07:00

Two Actors Who Should Disappear
Langdon Auger

Though there's plenty to be disgusted with in Wolverine, after watching the movie I found the most disgust in the continuing careers of two actors: Liev Schreiber and Ryan Reynolds.

Here is brief note to both actors, a plea to stop acting, for the good of all of us.

Liev Schrieber (Sabretooth)

Please stop working. Every movie you are in just grinds to a halt as we have to work our way around your awkward screen presence.

Maybe it would be alright except you have an uncanny knack for choosing the worst parts in the worst scripts. Let us review shall we? Scream you were in for a few seconds and that was enough. Scream 2 turned you into a full fledged character hell-bent on cashing in on your wrongful imprisonment. Guess which movie was worse? That wasn't a coincidence.

I guess The Manchurian Candidate was good even with you, but you turned around and did another remake with The Omen. How did that work out for you? Good reboot to a classic horror franchise? Yea that’s what I thought. Crap.

Then for a long time you did absolutely nothing of importance until this year’s holocaust themed Defiance. Apparently, this schlocky, overdone Jews-fight-back story was just right for your acting talent. We got a professional and not-at-all-laughable polish accent and saw you steal crucial screen time from Daniel Craig. And a dumb ending too. I like holocaust films that make me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

And then there was Wolverine: Origins, in which you were soundly out-acted by WWE star Tyler Mane from the first movie. Apparently you were angry at Wolverine for leaving you and you wanted to kill him to get back at him. That makes sense in crazy-ville. And how ridiculous is it to watch two invincible people hack at each other for an hour and half?

Ryan Reynolds (Deadpool)

National Lampoon's Van Wilder is an OK stand in for the poor soul who goes to the video store and can't get Animal House because it has been rented out by the same damn fraternity every weekend for the past 12 years. Yet I have a particular animosity for college and high school movies that end with an academic triathlon as a requirement for graduating. (You know, as opposed to the years of hard work and study.)

Blade III was interesting. I assume you were supposed to be the wise cracking side kick to Blade and the IPod spokes model Jessica Biel, but all of your wisecracks were incomprehensible swear words and inappropriate sexual comments.

Then you bounced around Hollywood as a bargain basement Matthew McConaughey before you wound up raping my eyes in the newest Wolverine movie. You show up on screen for five minutes, again make some wisecracks that aren't all that wise, and then flip your swords around. You bore me, your character sucked, and the concept of giving him a spin off movie based on a fleeting bit of screen time is offensive.

These guys mercilessly murder every film they are in. And you want to know the worst part about them? Take a look at their wives...

Bastards.

-LA

Don't Be Racist - by Klaus Varley

2009-06-09T05:27:00.000-07:00

Don't Be Racist

(or "How to not become a racist while living in a country founded on racism and some might argue continues to have a system of institutionalized racism discriminating against the "other" while normalizing whiteness")

by Klaus Varley

In a diverse society (such as, oh, let's say a city called "Los Angeles") there are many strategies to avoid becoming racist, but I'm only going to touch on one: have many friends of different races.*

If you have a racially diverse group of friends, then when you see someone who is the same race as one of your friends, you might think, "Oh look, is that my friend? Oh, it's not, but they're probably just as nice."* Then you'll treat that person as you would your friend.

Like the other day. I saw someone who looked like my friend Jon and thought, "Oh look, is that Jon? No, it's another Vietnamese guy who dresses like Jon. I wonder if he owes me money like Jon. Man, I hate Jon. And Vietnamese posers who dress like him. And Vietnam."

Perhaps that's a bad example. Reverse the sentiment and you get the idea.

And you might want to make better friends than Jon.

He sucks.

Just like Vietnam.***

-KV

---
*This is not WHY you should have many friends of different races, it is merely an advantage to choosing your friends based on their personality rather than however the hell fraternities and sororities choose their members and end up with all white clubs at colleges that are 50% Asian.

**It's a little racist to think that people of different races look similar. Or it means you have bad eye sight.

*** Not true, not true! Everyone I know who has visited or lived in Vietnam LOVES it.

Bukowski on 98% of Movies

2009-06-07T11:23:00.000-07:00

"...millions of dollars spent to create something more terrible than the actual lives of most living things; one should never have to pay an admission to hell."

-Charles Bukowski, 1992

The Best TED Talks - Elizabeth Gilbert on Writing, Genius, and Creativity

2009-06-05T14:02:00.000-07:00

To the writers, artists, and curiously creative:

You're nineteen minutes from inspiration. If you don't have time today, watch it this weekend. It's worth it. Seriously. -Klaus

1000 Pages a Day - 3

2009-06-03T05:48:00.000-07:00

This post is the third part of an ongoing series. Here's the previos post which links to the first post about this. Confused? Good. -KV

ALTERNATE INTRODUCTION to 1000 Pages a Day

I sat down with a friend of mine the other day and told him this joke.

"What comes before every racist joke?"

I glanced over my left shoulder, then my right.

"What?" he asked.

"That's it. The looking around to make sure you don't offend anyone."

"Oh," was his response.

"Yeah," was mine.

It's exactly the same when talking about graduate school. Want to tell a fellow graduate student a juicy rumor about a professor? Check your shoulders. No professors? What about other graduate students who may or may not revere the professor because they are either complete history dorks or complete scheming politically minded history dorks? Especially be on the lookout for the latter.

If the coast is clear, then plow away.

For now, the coast is clear. Let's get started.

(To be continued...)

-KV

Misunderstandings with film, television and spirits:

2009-06-01T06:36:00.000-07:00

Misunderstandings with film, television and spirits
Horace Worblehat

On Woody Allen Films Woody Allen films annoy me (even though they're good): Why? Why would I say anything bad about Woody Allen films ever? Why for god sakes? It’s because sometimes they make me feel stupid. There I said it. I have to stop pretending and just admit I don’t know half the references. Have your conversations about Freud Woody Allen and live your upper class Manhattan life you smarmy bastard, I’m going to read OK! Magazine and eat a tube of meat.

On Meade Meade got hyped up to me so much when I was a child. Whether it is from renaissance fairs, television or celebrities, I have been inundated with pro-Meade propaganda my entire life. Yet when I try Meade myself it was so disappointing. How can something that is both honey and wine be bad? I just don’t understand. Kids, stay off the Meade, say no to goblets.

On Road House and Point Break Apparently cleaning up a roughneck bar means murdering half the town. Also being an FBI agent who plays by his own set of rules may in fact garner results.

On the original Star Trek series The original Star trek series is lauded about a bit too much. Watch the first three episodes and you will see Spock speak into a post it note, Ohura sings for no reason in what appears to be a staff lounge, and George Takai as Sulu running around shirtless with a fencing sword and having the following strange conversation with his shipmate:

SULU: Don't know if it's this planet or what happened with Joe. I'm sweating like a bridegroom. 

RILEY: Yeah, me too. 

SULU: Hey, why don't you come down to the gym with me, Kevin m'lad? 

RILEY: Now? 

SULU: Why not? Light workout will take the edge off. 

RILEY: Sulu, what about. Hey, Sulu, don't be a fool!

Bridgegroom? Gym? Light workout? M'lad? Why George Takai? Why?

On Daytime television I tried to watch Ellen because it won an Emmy and I could not watch an entire episode due to the following reasons; too much dancing, she is too nice, and homosexuals have tar not blood that run through their veins for the devil has crafted their sinful bodies as portals to hell. Scratch the last part and replace it with 'the pictures of cute animals she shows I can get online anyway.'

Seriously.

-HW

Bukowski on Success

2009-05-30T00:04:00.000-07:00

"Things are very nice right now, and it's damn well time they should be. the health, the feelings, the flow is (are) still in good running order. my pre-training holds me in ultra good stead. carry on, rally forth, all that. shit, it's only the 8th round and I've got a good cornerman to patch up the cuts. rah rah rah. or have I finally gone nuts?"

-Charles Bukowski to John Martin, December 14th, 1975

If I were a Billionaire

2009-05-28T01:59:00.000-07:00

Five things I would do if I were a billionaire
Klaus Varley

1. Install a "Warm-Hot" knob in the shower. I would turn on that knob, then add Hot or Cold at my whim. But mostly it wouldn't require adjustment. Because I take my showers at "Warm-Hot."

2. Leave $20 tips at my favorite inexpensive - but delicious - Chinese, Thai, and Mexican restaurants. I could leave more, but I don't want to be treated like a king - I just want people to know I appreciate good service.

3. Hire my friends to live in the same condo complex. Application for complex: Are you my friend? If "no," are you cool? If "yes," do you want to be friends?

4. Buy the coffee shop / stage across the street from my apartment. Turn it into a cool venue for stand-up and singer-songwriters. Record the performances, put it online, make people famous.

5. Have a personal trainer to wake me up every day and make me do yoga, swim, run on the beach, etc. (I suppose, I don't need a personal trainer to do this, I just need to not be so damn lazy.)

This is too much fun to not be continued...

-KV

Concert Going Ettiquette

2009-05-26T06:26:00.000-07:00

I would like to take a break from discussing movies and cookbooks for a second to talk about a subject that is near and dear to my heart. I direct this post to all the jack-asses out there that don't seem to understand how the general admission works at a small venue concert. Let me enlighten you with a few rules.

First, you show up early. Maybe it's just my anal retentive side, but I feel like I should get there early for the closest spot to the stage. And while it doesn't make any sense to stand there for an hour waiting for the show to start, it makes even less sense to bum rush the damn stage ten minutes before the curtain goes up and get in my damn way. This is why I usually see fights break out when I get that close to the stage. Fortunately this time I was at a blues concert so the punk rockers, gang bangers, and biker men decided to stay home. With the usual suspects absent I just tolerated the idiots jumping in front of me. But I also did it for another reason: dancing.

When you are dancing in your predefined area of the floor, keep your hands and feet inside the imaginary box. Pretend you're a mime and stay there. I don't want some lady - who isn't all that attractive to begin with - throwing her hands in my face for the first half of the show.

Yes, I said "attractive." Let's face it: the amount of crap guys are willing to put up with from the girl standing in front of them is directly proportional to their attractiveness or, if they are a guy, the attractiveness of their girlfriend.

Every time I go to a concert I have to deal with one of these two problems. This last concert I dealt with them both which worked out pretty well. The guys who got in front of me had to deal with the lady throwing her arms in my face while I got to look at their girlfriend (not in a creepy way, just admiring the scenery). But I may not be so lucky in the future.

-LA

Though his analysis is amusing, both Parker and I must adamantly disagree with Langdon's attractiveness/annoyance principle. We take the exact opposite approach: the more attractive the person (guy or girl) is, the less breaks we cut them. Because hey, they've probably been getting by on their looks most of their lives. Consider it a type of affirmative action, but based on attractiveness instead of race. And reversed. Or something.

What I'm trying to say is that we're just trying to level the playing field. Seriously. -KV

Bukowski on Classical Music and Booze

2009-05-23T23:59:00.000-07:00

"Bach was easy because he didn't have to carry around a lot of excess crap. anyhow, classical music and booze - taken together - have carried me through many a night when it seemed as if there were nothing else around. and maybe there wasn't."

-Charles Bukowski to Roth Wilkofsky, September 4th, 1975.

Owen Gleiberman Should Apologize for his Review of Let the Right One In

2009-05-21T05:08:00.000-07:00

Owen Gleiberman Should Apologize for his Review of Let the Right One In
Klaus Varley

Unlike a lot of Owen Gleiberman haters out there, I LIKE Entertainment Weekly. It's one of the few magazines that lives up to its name on two levels: it's entertaining AND it's about entertainment. (And it comes every week...I suppose that's three levels.)

But browsing Me ta-Critic I came across reviews of the Swedish vampire flick Let the Right One In (Langdon's review can be found here). Every professional critic listed on the site except one rated it above seventy - three gave it perfect scores of 100.

Over at Rotten Tomatoes, 25 of 26 top critics gave it a "Fresh" rating. It's overall rating: 98%.

Who was the only critic to rate it under 70 on Meta-Critic? Who was the only critic to give it a rotten tomato on the site of the same nomenclature?

Owen Gleiberman of Entertainment Weekly.

Now I'm all for critics standing on their own. But if a movie is well made, you're going to have to have your reasons. Owen's reasons? Well, I'll let him speak for himself.

EW.com
Movie Review - Let the Right One In
by Owen Gleiberman

According to the new school of cinematic dread — it kicked in over the last decade with J-horror films — a fright flick is eerier if it doesn't make sense. If random arty blood thrills are your cup of fear, perhaps you'll enjoy Let the Right One In, a Swedish head-scratcher that has a few creepy images but very little holding them together. A serial killer, who bleeds his victims in public places (Why? Who knows?), has a 12-year-old daughter who's a vampire. Who befriends the blond boy next door. Who skulks through the movie in a blank-faced torpor that will have you screaming...for something coherent to happen. C

Non-spoiler-but-if-you're-Owen-Gleiberman-this-might-seem-like-a-spoiler Alert: the "serial killer" bleeding his victims was getting blood for the girl so she didn't have to kill people. Damn man, he lives with a vampire, didn't you think that was an awfully big coincidence?

The blond boy doesn't skulk through the film - he gets beat up by bullies, has his life threatened.

I'm not even going to go into the question of whether or not that is his daughter. You definitely didn't get that.

How did Owen miss all this? Luckily for our readers out there, we recorded the events of the day on hidden camera (and microphone).

--
Film critic Owen Gleiberman sits at his desk playing Minesweeper. His editor knocks on his cubicle wall. Gleiberman quickly changes the screen to a review of Rachel Getting Married.

Editor of EW: Hey Owen, where's your review for that small indie-vampire movie?

Owen Gleiberman: You wanted that today?

Editor: Yeah, remember?

OG: But uh, no one is going to see that movie, do we really need to review it?

Editor: Unfortunately, yeah. It's apparently a big deal to Sweden, so they got his Swedish PR firm up our ass about it. You saw it, right?

OG: Of course.

Editor: Great. Just give me a couple hundred words by five. No big thing.

OG: It's four-thirty.

Editor: Like I said, no big thing.

OG: Cool.

Editor leaves.

Owen makes some calls. None of his friends or relatives has seen it.

FUCK! He thinks.

Owen gives a quick glance around the office then pops the DVD in his laptop, hits play 2x button.

Not fast enough. Fast forward - 4x.

The movie flies by.

His mind races. "Killing. Stylish. What are these kids talking about? No time to read the subtitles. Arty vampire movie. Violence. Whatever, no one is going to see this."

Owen types up his review and sends it over to his editor.

"Screw Sweden," he says as he packs up his things and heads out the door.

---

Alright, so I ran out of things for Owen to say...I mean, that's what our camera and microphone recorded him saying...

Regardless of the accuracy of the above scene, this is one of those times that a critic should bite the bullet and rewatch a well-reviewed movie. All the way through this time. On regular speed.

And then apologize to Sweden.

We all make mistakes. We all have deadlines. We'll forgive you, Owen.

But first you have apologize.

-KV

When I was young I knew everything

2009-05-19T08:51:00.000-07:00

The thoughts come flooding back...with the music, with the rain, with...nothing at all, for no reason. Perfectly content in the present, nostalgia hits like a summer breeze. No, it feels more like a poorly written metaphor of a summer breeze: the description of the wind hits your eyes and you laugh - ha! Did he really write "nostalgia hits like a summer breeze?" No, he wrote about the metaphor.

Sure, sometimes I close my eyes and enjoy it (nostalgia). And sometimes I squint, trying to see where it came from, where it went.

And here it comes like a wave, like a summer breeze...woosh! Freshman year in college. -CL

That "intro" really belongs in the piece. -KV

Then put it there. -CL

I'm not the editor. -KV

What do you do? -CL

What does any of us do? -KV (Any italicized notes after this metaphysical statement will be deleted: the piece below is long enough, no need to test the patience of the reader with lengthy intros.)

When I was young I knew everything
Charlie Luzon

Within minutes I was swimming in freedom. The freedom to do anything at any time. The freedom to take classes, read, stare at girls, learn, and talk, oh! talk. We stayed up all night just talking, didn't we? Later - talking and drinking. But first, just talking.

What the hell did we talk about? It was like junior high without the curfew. (What the hell did we talk about in junior high?)

Coincidentally, The Verve Pipe's song "The Freshman" came out the same year. Even TVP knew something was happening, even if we didn't know what it was.

In the tradition of the site that is more used to lists and pictures of boobies than anything else, here are five nostalgic moments from my freshman year in college that may or may not make any more sense to you than it does for me to be remembering these things over ten years later. For boobies, click the link above. (I'm sure you have already.)

1. Dorms - Co-ed dorms, Rieber Hall, Burning CDs, No Doubt, Netscape, WebCrawler, designated laundry times, a room across from the women's bathroom/showers. Did I mention co-ed dorms a.k.a. the best invention ever?

2. Band - Camp before it was a joke in American Pie, heat, sun, shirts off, at school a week early, empty dorms, every day, good musicians, cooler kids, dorkier kids, hot girls, christian girls, non-christian girls, would date a few of each. Or try to.

3. Philosophy - George Clooney-looking professor in front of a classroom of 400, a god-like figure save for the Clooney resemblence, stretching the mind, thinking about things I didn't know I could think about, no limits on mind, Christianity puts limits on mind, doesn't seem fair, just, faith begins to slip. Could I have stumbled upon the one truth in my small town? Or should I think about this more?

4. Santa Barbara - Drunk, for the first time, back and forth to drink and chase wildly after a girl or my idea of a girl. Teddy comes along at least once, not sure why. I see Kyle way more than I thought I ever would. Hiking and driving, and drunk in a beach town that parties endlessly; we're just passing through the party still goes on, and on, it still goes on, man, damn.

5. San Diego - Drunk, not the first time, in San Diego, Dan, his gf, SDSU. Another time, Tijuana, Persian girl from my dorm can't get back, we bribe American border patrol. $80 lighter we make it back, Teddy hooks up with Persian girl after (or before?). Longest. Night. Ever.

To be a freshman: the freedom, the friends, the dreams.

To not be a freshman: responsibilities, work, busy friends.

But also: real love, real life, and I wake up in my dreams.

Current nostalgia: We were only freshmen.

Nostalgia coming soon: We were only thirty-somethings.

Look for it.

-CL

Great Advice from Cook Books

2009-05-15T07:21:00.000-07:00

Great Advice from Cook Books
Langdon Auger

After getting tired of boxed macaroni and cheese, I decided it was time to invest in a cookbook. So I trudged on down to the used book store and broke the bank for a one dollar cookbook written in 1963. "The New Good housekeeping Cookbook," edited by Dorothy B. Marsh, provides a wonderful time capsule of late 1950s-early 1960s dining etiquette and gender attitudes.

Under the heading "Family Weight Watching" it lists a series of Do's and Dont's that I think speak for them selves.

"Don't give up in despair over teen-age food habits--those of the fashion conscious young ladies who starve themselves, or those of either gender who eat the wrong foods in between and at meals, with gay abandon. Be firm with youngsters in the first group; remind them they are preparing for marriage and motherhood. A girl who enjoys being a girl, who looks like a girl and not like a clothes pole, stands the best chance of having a whirl." p. 77

This is either the cause of or the solution to the Olsen Twin's problems, I can't decide which.

Enemies of food

-LA

The Brilliance of Young MC, Classic Lyrics

2009-05-13T05:01:00.000-07:00

They don't make 'em like they used to. Some classic Young MC lyrics to help guide you through your day. -KV

No cut-and-paste job, Klaus typed these lyrics out. We're not sure why either. -ed.

---Principal's Office--

So to my first class
I run and don't walk
All I hear is my sneakers
And the scratch of the chalk

And when I get to the room
I hear the teacher say
Mr. Young I'm happy
That you can join us today
...
Twelve o'clock comes
With mass hysteria
...
Forget class
I'ma shoot some ball
With the late pass
I got not trouble at all

But then the nurse walks up
And says "What'd'ya know?"
It's off to the Principal's Office you go

---Bust a Move---

This here's a jam for all the fellas
Try to do what those ladies tell us
Get shot down 'cause your overzealous
Play hard-to-get"
Females get jealous
...
You're looking for love in all the wrong places
No fine girls
Just ugly faces

From frustration
First inclination
Is to become a monk
And leave the situation

But every dark tunnel has a light of hope
So don't hang yourself
With a celibate rope
...
Some girls are sadistic
Materialistic
Looking for man
Makes them opportunistic

Their lying on the beach
Perpetrating a tan
So that a brother with money
Can be their man

---Got More Rymes---

I rock from Iowa to Idaho
Canada to Mexico
...
Because I got more rhymes than the other guys do
They're just a monkey
I'm the whole damn zoo
...
I don't use a book
I use a hefty bag (?)
Because they're just a string
I'm the American flag

---

Now you know.

-KV