Tales from Black Friday - Part I: Costco's Polish Dog

TALES FROM BLACK FRIDAY - PART I: COSTCO'S POLISH DOG
Klaus Varley

One of the best things about Costco is its incredibly low-priced food court. I know what you're thinking, "Is it really a food court if it's just a couple of windows and a seating area?"

Answer: Yes it is.

So, I was standing in line at the food court in Costco, when I overhear the girl in an adjacent line say to her friend, "I'm going to get the polish dog."

See how I didn't capitalize "polish?" That's because she said "polish" and not "Polish." A polish dog. A hot dog made of polish. Like nail polish.

Now, I've gotten a few Polish dogs in my time, but never, NEVER had I heard it mispronounced. Had she never been to a baseball game? Had she fallen asleep during geography class AND during every single lesson on WWII?

Perhaps.

But I quickly realized that this girl's lack of geography was the least problematic part of her statement. The most frightening part was, of course, that even though she thought this hot dog might be made of polish, she still wanted to eat it. "Mmmm, that polish dog will go well with my Clorox shake and Pine-Sol pudding."

Or maybe she has build up a tolerance for polish, has been drinking a little each day (Monday - silver polish; Tuesday - car polish) working up to this point, this moment when she can digest the polish dog in all its poisonous glory.

Or maybe it's a simple mistake. After all, the letters were all caps: POLISH DOG

Or maybe she drinks cleaning fluids for fun.

Or maybe we'll never know.

-KV

Very Nearly Hitting One Bird While Scaring Many Off at the Same Time

Below are some ramblings about the new screenplay* I'm writing...These ramblings should help me with the story, but also do the double duty of being a post on The Brothel.

This is what you might call, "killing two birds with one stone." However, I've thrown a lot of rocks at birds in my time, and if I've learned anything (besides what the fastest way is to make my Mom angry) is that it's freaking hard to hit a bird with a stone. To KILL TWO of them with one rock? No way.

A better catch phrase describing getting multiple things at once might be, "very nearly hitting one bird while scaring many off at the same time." In fact, I will say that from now on.

Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving, if you celebrate Thanksgiving. -KV

The Romance Department
Soon to be a Script by Klaus Varley

Right now, it's just a bunch of ramblings

In fact, if you get confused, I completely understand.

Because I too, am a little confused.

Alright, let's see what we've got:


Zach's company makes cleaning products.

[Possible company names: AmmoniasRUs, Magic Clean, Godliness Inc., ScrubLess...]

But Zach is tired of making cleaning products. He wants a change.

[What is going on with Zach? Zach needs a back story.]

Possibilities for Zach's Backstory:
-Zach suffered through a recent divorce, his therapist instructs him to make changes in his life
-Zach inherited the company - his father died a few months back; he's the new CEO, wants to do new things.

Zach sets up a meeting with his board. It's secretive. They watch six employees from a hidden room, with monitors. The traits of the employees are fed to Zach from his board. One girl can't show up on time; one guy writes too many notes. They spot AL on screen. Al does the least amount of work possible. He has shortcuts for his shortcuts, and spends the rest of the day napping. "He's the one," says Zach.

Hilarity ensues.

...

I can see this exercise expanding more than anticipated, so instead of consuming the entire Brothel by this post, I will leave the rest of the story to your imagination.

In other words, hilarity ensues.

The Romance Department - Coming soon to a theater near you, if "soon" means many, many years from now.

But, you never know.

But don't hold your breath.

Or throw rocks at birds.

-KV


* Screenwriting is a requirement of living in Los Angeles.

I get older, but my asian friends stay the same age

The title of the post is not really true, but sounds funny. I really just wanted to post something light. The anti-mormon post kinda brought down the vibe of the site.

And we can't have a low vibe on thanksgiving.

That's what that Wooderson is for. Happy Thanksgiving, Dazed and Confused fans...

-TLB

Church of Moron - and other fun names for the Mormon Church

We here at The Brothel don't advocate slander, but if you're going to slander, you might as well slander a large religious-based cult that uses its money and influence to deny citizens rights.*

Right?

Relax, they can take it. The sense of humor of a Mormon is purported to be twice that of an ordinary, non-apocalypse fearing human.

So, for all you haters out there, here's a list of some not-so-nice names people are calling The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints these days. (Note: Some names we just made up, because hey, research is freakin' hard...) -KV


ALTERNATIVE NAMES FOR THE MORMON CHURCH
Compiled by The Literary Brothel

-Church of Moron

-Stupids

-Bright Eyed Jesus Freaks

-Missionaries and More

-MorMen and their Wives

-Racism Co.

-A Feast of Fools

-The Crazy Religion filled with hot girls who wait until marriage

-Homophobes R Us

-The Mormon Cult

-A Religion of People like Stephenie Meyer

-A Religion of Snowboarders

-A Religion of People like Brandon Flowers

-Candy Land (Don't ask)

-A Religion of People they make fun of on South Park

and...

MORmONS

Yeah, that's all we've got. Feel free to make up your own.

See, it's not so easy to hate.

Or is it?

You tell me, dummy.

-TLB

---

*I'm referring, of course, to Proposition 8 in California, but this is not the first time Mormons have gotten out of line. Please read Jon Krakauer's awesomely amazing Under the Banner of Heaven for all the goodies on the LDS, Brigham Young, and more!

Charles Bukowski Quote - Being Old and Writing

"I don't mean that you have to be OLD to write, but I do mean that if you are OLD and can still write and have sailed some bloody ships, you've got a little edge."

-Charles Bukowski, August 1st, 1969

Ten Life Lessons Learned from the Musical Les Miserables (Broadway Version)

Ten Life Lessons Learned from the Musical Les Miserables (Broadway Version)
Klaus Varley

10. Sitting flat on your butt doesn't buy any bread.

9. Guys named Marius are often late to important meetings and then blame their tardiness on love.

8. Obscure French student revolutions can be meaningful as long as a novel and musical are written about them.

7. Avoid anyone who proclaims they are "Master of the House."

6. If you escape from prison and want to reinvent yourself, move really far away, not just to the next town. Maybe even to another country. Somewhere where you won't be recognized. And for god sakes, don't become a prominent member of your new society. Lay low!

5. When in need of drinking tunes, simply recycle melodies from your years as a revolutionary. Don't forget to change the lyrics to fit your current situation (before: revolution now: inebriation)

4. If you leave your daughter for years with shady inn-keepers, don't expect to get her back for cheap.

3. When stealing a loaf of bread, do not break a window pane. The cop can use that as an excuse to hunt you for the rest of his life.

2. "Lovely" ladies sometimes ain't so lovely.

1. When singing songs containing your prison number, always draw out the last digit (ie: two, four, six, oh, oooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeee!). It's a good way to express that you disagree with the court's decision and feel the punishment was too harsh for your crime.

-KV

Why We Have So Many Bukowski Quotes on The Brothel and What it Says About Society

Why Do We Have So Many Bukowski Quotes on The Literary Brothel?
Klaus Varley

To answer to the title question: Charles Bukowski Selected Letters sits atop my toilet, along with an old issue of Entertainment Weekly that proclaims to list of the "Top 1000 best movies, TV Shows, Albums, Books and More of the last 25 years!" So it's either post a quote from Buk or EW. Buk usually wins.

But lets talk about EW.

Top 1000? By all calculations, a hundred movies, and a hundred shows, cds and books is only four hundred. That means there are six hundred "mores." What are these "mores?" Websites, video games, Broadway shows (there were 100 Broadway shows in the last 25 years?) and...more? Needless to say, I haven't gotten all the way through the issue.

But I did get through Bukowski's Letters, Volume II. Its cover doesn't sport Harry Potter, Beyonce, Bono, and Will Smith, (where are the Broadway actors? the websites?) but it has the goods. They're inside.

The words, baby, the words.

(Speaking of words, what you don't know about the paragraph before last is that I wrote "their inside," and moved on. If we were in a typewriter age, our zine would suffer. "Look at this guy; he doesn't know "they're from their." Let's get some comics and get out of this hippie book store.")

I originally started this entry thinking I wanted to write something about Bukowski, something about how I finished the second volume and am moving on to the third, something about how there's nothing like appreciating #2 when you're reading Bukowski.

But I can't even say it. I can't even make the joke...

Or can I?

I can.

You see, when I was talking about #2, I was talking about poo.

Done. With Bukowski. For today.

The top entertainment technological advancement of the past 25 years is the DVD player? Over the Mp3? Over CD ripping technology? What a debate.

-KV

A Bukowski Quote where he Quotes Someone Else

"...but, basically, you have a right to publish anybody you want to. I think of something John Thomas told me one night, 'No matter what you do, a certain number of people are going to dislike it, others will like it, and the vast majority will not give a damn one way or the other.' Once you understand this, the snipers will not make so much difference."

-Charles Bukowski to John Martin, June 22, 1970