An Inglourious (Basterds) Pledge

An Inglourious (Basterds) Pledge
Langdon Auger

I have finally seen the trailer for Quentin Tarantino's Inglorious Bastards. It's official. I can now say that this is the movie for which I am the most excited. Check it out.



In the spirit of those not-at-all-obnoxious-or-arrogant "I pledge" videos put together by Hollywood celebrities, I want to lay all of my attitudes towards this film on the table.


I pledge…


…that I will put this Curious Case of Benjamin Button mess behind me before I walk into the theater. True, both movies star Brad Pitt. And it is also true that both movies have Brad Pitt doing a southern accent which I made sure to ridicule in my previous Button post. But based on absolutely nothing, I contend that this movie will be different. I forswear any latent animosity and resolve to judge this movie based solely on its own merits.

…that I will not judge Eli Roth's starring role in the film. Even though he is a director and not a real actor. And even though he is buddies with Tarantino which pretty much assured him a role. And even though those Hostel movies are a lower level of film making than I am willing to acknowledge. As long as you are knocking some Nazi heads with baseball bats I will give you a chance.

…that I will not hold it against Quentin Tarantino that I still am not able to buy a box set of the Kill Bill movies. It has been over five years since the first one debuted and all I am able to buy is a wimpy single disc edition of both movies. Where is the double disc, edited together masterpiece I have been promised? The extended House of Blue Leaves fight scene? New Japanese anime back stories for Oren Ishii? I am hearing a lot of talk from you Tarantino and not seeing a whole lot of results. Even though I would rather you focus on putting the finishing touches on Kill Bill than move on to a new movie, I pledge that I will see Inglourious Basterds without bringing in my own frustration at the gaping hole in my DVD collection between the letter J and the letter L.

…that Mike Myers's previous embarrassing roles in Shrek 3 and The Love Guru will not prevent me from enjoying this movie. I will only remember Wayne's World (the first one), Austin Powers (also the first one), and Shrek (again the first one). I will also welcome seeing him in a different sort of role, moving away from the manic comic characters with which he has been so successful and so hated.

…that even though the movie is produced by The Weinstein Company I will not let my strong attitudes over the most recent Oscar race affect my judgment of the film. I mean after all, it's not like The Reader was a worse film than The Dark Knight and got nominated because of the shameless Oscar baiting of Weinstein and the blue hairs in the Academy who can't bring themselves to vote for a popular summer movie and instead choose another ridiculous holocaust flick. No, it couldn't possibly be that.

…that despite the August 21 release date, I will not hold the end of the summer downturn in Hollywood movies against the film. Even though it will be facing such grade "A" Hollywood schlock such as G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra and Final Destination: Death Trip 3D, I will have my ticket in my hand on opening day and I will be prepared to enjoy what should be the best movie of the summer.

Now don't screw it up QT. My patience is limited. And get me Kill Bill.

-LA

On Kill Bill - A Moderated Discussion from 2003

In this post Death Proof world, we have forgotten that there was a time when Quentin Tarantino's career was in question. In 2003, Tarantino hadn't released a movie in six years. His last fare was the slow, kinda-cool Jackie Brown. Had Kill Bill not been the success it was, we'd all probably know Quentin as the guy who did Pulp Fiction, and say things to each other like "Man, Pulp Fiction was good. Whatever happened to that guy?"

So, here's a long-ass piece about Kill Bill. I tried to edit it, but I'll probably just post something quickly after it, so it starts making its way down the front of The Brothel, and eventually falling into the abyss of Previous Posts. -KV


ON KILL BILL (A moderated discussion with Klaus Varley and Charlie Luzon on the recently released, highly touted Quentin Tarantino film)

with Klaus Varley, Charlie Luzon, fictional moderator BILL, actual moderator William James, and the subtle presence of a humble Transcriber :)

--Begin Transcription--

WILLIAM: Gentlemen. You’ve both just been visually privy to the film Kill Bill. Your thoughts?

BILL: Is that how you’re going to do it?

WILLIAM: Pardon?

BILL: Shall I repeat myself?

KLAUS (Whispers to Charlie): That line's from The Royal Tenenbaums.

CHARLIE (Whispering back): It could be from anywhere.

WILLIAM: Well, I figured that would be a good question to initiate conversation.

BILL: You figured, did you? Well, figure this: Two m-therf-cking moderators on one panel. The former says something stupid, the other, slightly tuckered out from appearing on twenty-five hundred fucking screens nationwide, has neither the patience nor the tenacity for mundane conversation, and executes the former with the second of his two Tenachi-made samurai swords that he had to check because the c-ck s-cking airport security thought I was going to slice some m-therf-ckers up, which of course, I will. Not stewardess though, a moderator. The former moderator. Slice to the brain, Shaw-Brothers style.

KLAUS: Who are the Shaw Brothers?

CHARLIE: Shut up and let him finish his monologue.

BILL: I’m going to say this only once, but with redundancy so you understand: Sit quietly and shut the fuck up. I’m patience-less, I’m fictional, and I’m the moderator. Say it with me – and let this be the last sentence you say tonight.

WILLIAM: I’m patience-less, I’m fictional, and I’m the moderator.

BILL: Good. Now Klaus, Charlie, welcome to The Literary Brothel’s discussion of Kill Bill.

KLAUS: Thanks.

CHARLIE: Thank you.

BILL: You’ve just seen the movie, which means you saw it not opening night, but opening day. You two are a bunch of fucking geeks.

KLAUS: That’s what I said. You’re a fucking geek, man.

CHARLIE: You not only agreed to go with me, but picked me up an hour early to get good parking.

KLAUS: Touché.

BILL: Let’s talk about the movie. Crazy shit, am I right?

KLAUS: You would know Bill, you’re in it.

CHARLIE: I don’t’ understand how you’re conducting this discussion.

BILL: You mean the format?

CHARLIE: I mean the fact that you’re not an actor; you’re the actual character. How is this happening?

BILL: I’m the moderator, I ask the fucking questions. Just be cool.

CHARLIE: Uh, okay.

BILL: Klaus. I was watching you during the movie, and, you kept shifting in your seat. South American killer reds in your khakis?

KLAUS: You were watching me? Is that why we never saw your face?

BILL: You goddamn…(cell phone rings). Hello? Oh, I see. Right away. (Hangs up cell phone.) Excuse me gentlemen.

Bill leaves in a flourish.

CHARLIE: That was strange.

KLAUS: I wonder who it was?

CHARLIE: Does it matter? At least you didn’t tell him how bored you were.

KLAUS: I wasn’t bored.

CHARLIE: Bullshit. Bill was right - you couldn’t sit still for five minutes. I saw you check out the Indian girl two seats away about ten times.

KLAUS: You were watching me?

CHARLIE: You looked across me.

KLAUS: Well, she was hot.

CHARLIE: I’m sure that enhanced her movie experience, seeing some chump turn her way every fifteen minutes.

KLAUS: You think she noticed?

CHARLIE: Of course she noticed. They always notice.

KLAUS: She was hot though. You gotta admit.

CHARLIE: Fair enough.

KLAUS: You weren’t bored?

CHARLIE: When?

KLAUS: When? When do you think? During the movie. Let’s get the moderator back here so the transcriber of this conversation won’t be too bored by the myriad tangents we go off on. (Thanks guys!) And Transcriber? Please make me sound cool. Mix up my vocabulary, or take out clichés or something - my oral interlocution ability often subsides in mundane conventionality and though I strive to eschew obfuscation, my efforts are often futile. :)

CHARLIE: Whoever is reading this later should know that whatever it says on the page is not reflective of the level of eloquence exhibited by Klaus.

KLAUS: Hey William, time to get your moderation back on. I’m'a gonna school this kid about how bad the movie was. It’s Kill Charlie time.

WILLIAM: Alright. Well, gentlemen. Thoughts on the film?

KLAUS: Yeah, here are some thoughts: we all know this is a two-part film, but it doesn’t have to be except that there’s a hundred long, draining shots where we’re supposed to admire the “coolness” of it all and all I can think of is that geek Tarantino sitting in the editing room with his gargantuan cranium saying to the editor, “and cue surf guitar intro riff, and let it play on the pan to the snowflakes as they fall to the ground, and oh, this is the coolest shit, hold, hold…hold…oh good. Now I need to go to a mall and have people recognize me. I’ll be right back.”

CHARLIE: Are you done?

KLAUS: Almost. What happened to Tarantino’s cool dialog? The stuff in Reservoir Dogs, the stuff in Pulp Fiction, some of the stuff in True Romance?

CHARLIE: I’ll bet you know.

KLAUS: Damn right I do. Check this out: Quentin and friend Roger Avery wrote a four hundred page script, a trilogy, containing Reservoir Dogs, True Romance, and Pulp fiction. If you watch the movies somewhat closely you can hear the names of the characters as they overlap.

CHARLIE: Roger Avery and Quentin Tarantino? Rogantino?

KLAUS: The names of the characters in the three movies.

WILLIAM: And Kill Bill is…

KLAUS: Kill Bill isn’t part of the trilogy. Since those three movies, Tarantino hasn’t written or directed anything that can hold its own against any Guy Ritchie film or Christopher Nolan or Danny Boyle or shit, Roger Avery (Rules of Attraction) for that matter.

CHARLIE: And you call me a nerd.

KLAUS: In Kill Bill, like in Jackie Brown, Tarantino relies on the “coolness” of the set, costumes, and actors in order to get by. The dialog is crap, the characters are fecal matter :) , and the stories are nothing to write Homer about :( .

WILLIAM: Would be fair to say Klaus, that you’re giving the film a thumbs down?

KLAUS: No, I liked it alright. The action was cool and you get to watch Uma for two hours. Hot.

CHARLIE: What was all that shit about Tarantino?

Klaus shrugs his shoulders.

KLAUS: When are we gonna go get something to eat?

WILLIAM: Charlie, any thoughts?

CHARLIE: Well, I liked the film. It’s an obvious homage to kung-fu flicks of the 1970’s with a lot of tongue-and-cheek character creation that makes you just want to go along for the ride. A lot of people might not get that, read: Klaus—

KLAUS: Read: Charlie = asshole.

CHARLIE: Even if you don’t get the references, the jokes, the cameos by Kung-Fu legends of small screen lore, you can still have a good time. That’s what this movie is all about. Cool costumes, about a thousand dead samurai warriors, Lucy Liu, shit, there’s even an anime sequence. How cool is that?

KLAUS: I don’t know Charlie Dorko, how cool is that?

CHARLIE: Pretty fuckin’ cool, dick.

WILLIAM: Well, thank you gentlemen. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried…

CHARLIE: Jesus, who are you? I mean, thanks William. Thanks everyone who made it this far. If there is anyone left reading. See you all at The Brothel.

KLAUS: Yeah, thanks William, and thanks in advance to the !Transcriber!. An indelible, often misunderstood presence that we – like air filling our lungs on a daily basis – foolishly take for granted.


-TLB



KILL BILL (2003)
RATED: R

KLAUS
GRADE: @@@ ½ - Near where it’s at. Three and a half "Ats" out of a possible five.

CHARLIE
GRADE: B+ - Pure entertainment and a great homage to kung-fu movies of old.