More Disorganized Ideas

More Unorganized Ideas: An Article that is Really the Ideas from my Tiny Composition Book from 2007 Finally Transcribed Into Electronic Form, Hey, Get Off My Back I Need To Save These Ideas Somewhere
by Klaus Varley

-Hard to make eye contact in LA

-Homeless people with glasses. How do they afford a vision plan?

-Kids will grow up to be gamblers if they play too many board games.

-Useless signs - things already illegal: "No blocking intersection," "No guns, drugs in the mall."

-Origins of adages are actually business principles, early Econ classes - "Bird in the hand is worth two in the field. How does that apply to mercantilism?"

-Cigarettes and lighters sold at gas stations. Fire near gasoline? And they sell more alcohol if that wasn't enough flammable liquid.

-Men are either detectives or warriors (no idea what this means, just reading off my notes)

-How can new rappers rap about mansions and Bentleys when you've never heard of the rapper? What was their prior occupation? Did they come from a wealthy family? Explanation needed in the lyrics.

-Same commercial twice in three minutes. Makes me hate the product. If I were a rival company, I would just make an identical commercial and buy the ad space right after my competitor. They would think it was a broadcasting error.

-When you're an adult you can still use the kids' toilet, the kids' water fountain, go on the kids' playground. Because what are they going to do?

-The next time someone says something mean to you, say, "That's no way to network." Then they might think you're someone important and apologize. If not, they will simply be confused, and that's a partial win.

-KV

Land of the Lost Review

Land of the Lost Review
Langdon Auger

Tonight Horace and I attended a sneak preview of the new Will Ferrell movie Land of the Lost. Despite unfinished special effects and soundtrack this movie was quite entertaining. Will Ferrell is able to do his shtick and this time he is joined by relative newcomer Danny McBride. (If you haven't seen his debut film The Footfist Way, rent it.)

Together the two bring a bit of fun to a horrible, fan-boy-infested show. There is something having to do with Sleestaks and some chimp thing named Chaka that gets old fast, but before you know it, Ferrell is running around in his underwear and having a good time. But I'm not quite sure what sport he was trying to spoof in this movie.

This was the first time I participated in a sneak preview where they take reviews. Horace and I were asked to stay behind and have a discussion of the film with about twenty other people. I follow films in production as a hobby and I know that this is the part where good movies get turned mediocre, so it was a little exciting to be there for it.

Sure enough they start asking questions and people start saying the best scenes were their least favorite. For instance, there was one scene where Anna Friel's character is misinterpreting Chaka's ape language and says he was expelled from his tribe for raping an apple. Turns out that wasn't the correct interpretation.

A girl at the screening says they shouldn't be making jokes like that in a movie and that rape is not something to be made fun of. First of all, as if it needed to be said, rape is absolutely wrong. Second of all, but he didn't actually rape anything. Third, it's funny scene because it is a rape of an apple. This is a victimless crime if i ever saw one. I doubt that the apple was really capable of resisting in the first place, or feeling one way or the other about the whole ordeal. And as for the blanket statement that something shouldn't be made fun of, well:

"I can prove to you rape is funny. Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd."- George Carlin

Then another woman chimed in and said how she shows the original television series to her fourth grade class and doesn't feel comfortable having them come to a movie with so much swearing and sexual innuendo.

Let's get something straight: kids are idiots and parents are panicky stupid morons (see Horace's post on a scary Duracell commercial). This is the reason why cool toys are taken off the shelf when some dope chokes himself. This is the reason we have zero tolerance policies in school that result in the valedictorian not graduating on time because of an aspirin in her purse. And finally (and most importantly) this is the reason we got rid of the dark Tim Burton Batmans and had to endure the cinematic fiasco of Joel Schumacher's technicolor cape and cowl. But Warner Brothers smarted up, told the four year olds and parents to go screw, put Christopher Nolan in charge, and made a Batman movie that was worth seeing.

But I digress. To be in a screening where this issue comes up was astonishing because I have seen so many movies with great potential crippled by an insistence on PG-13 ratings and family friendly fare. It would be so much better to make a more risky movie with sharp humor. The film will be more honest and true, and whatever box office you lose out on because of the children you will make up for in rentals when those kids get old enough to rent the movie on their own. Why is it that so many people still watch Animal House? Because they made their jokes and didn't apologize for it. Not that Land of the Lost is as good as Animal House, I'm just using it as an example.

But movie execs don't think this way, so i am dreading seeing the final product when it comes out on June 5th. Will it have the adult humor or will it be a bland, neutered piece designed to appeal to the largest and least specific market possible? I'm afraid I know the answer already.

-LA

Use Duracell or your child will be Kidnapped

Welcome Horace Worblehat to The Literary Brothel! If readers are thinking that the name "Horace Worblehat" sounds fake, well, that's because it is. However, I assure you there is a real person behind the name, and that person is not me. Seriously. -KV

Use Duracell or your child will be Kidnapped
by Horace Worblehat

Watch this short clip:




What it means: if you do not purchase the correct batteries, your child will be taken from you while you are at the park so you have to options: buy Duracell or stop going to park.

This commercial brings up more questions than it answers. For example: where did the child get the red balloon? Why is he so happy with his red balloon? Can I have a balloon? Fuck him and his red balloon.

Also, is that woman really his mother, or just some lady using the child for drug smuggling purposes and that's why she has him hooked up to an expensive tracking device?

All of these questions have very disturbing answers. The child received the red balloon from the free red balloon man who gives free red balloons to all the children of the world. He has also been charged with - but never convicted of - pedophilia. I can’t have a red balloon because Free Red Balloon Man thinks I’m too old. Fuck him.

-HW

The New Brothel Turns One

To celebrate our one year anniversary, we're having a party.

If you did not get an email about the party, we're also celebrating our anniversary by posting a poem containing the statistics about the first year of The Brothel. Since you're already at home, or alone at a coffee shop, you might as well read on. It's kinda amusing. -KV

p.s. The party rocked.

The New Brothel Turns One
Klaus Varley

The (New) Literary Brothel was launched in April

of 2008.

Since then, we've had 7,431 Unique Visitors

who visited for an average of one minute

and eight seconds.

Which is enough time to read an article

Or two

If you're fast

Which is probably why the average number

of page views for the year

was 1.47.

Obviously, some people read two, or even three articles.

And others only read one.

Quickly.

And then move on

to Peppermint Creek

or Script Doctor Eric

0r other sites.

How did people find The Brothel?

Some came by way of keywords

Others, by Peppermint Creek

(Thus, we plugged the site

twice in this post.)

But most came through keywords

Such as "Bukowski Quotes"

and "Charles Bukowski Quotes"

both of which brought 467 people to The Brothel

about one a day, or something

who knows.

What I do know is that this next year

is going to be great

As long as we keep posting about Bukowski

And that asshole

Michael Phelps.

Just kidding.

He's not an asshole.

But this one post where we said he was

and it became

our most popular piece

of the year.

Booya.

-KV

p.s. I know

that's no way

to end a post

but hell,

poetry is hard

and if you don't think so

write a poem

and send it to us.

We'll post it.

Then,

all you have to do

is leave a public computer

on the screen with your poem

and watch how fast

the next person closes that window.

Booya.

Let the Right One In: Twilight For Grown Ups

Langdon's movie recommendation for the week is Let The Right One In - a vampire film from Sweden. The film is just your typical boy-meets-girl, boy-gets-beaten-up-by-bullies, girl's-live-in-boyfriend-slaughters-innocent-civillians-to-cure-her-vampire-bloodlust, boy-and-girl-form-bond-against-the-cruel-society movie. In other words, it's Ingmar Bergman meets John Carpenter.

As the title of the post suggests, this is the teen angst film that Twilight was supposed to be, only done right. It has gloomy and oppressive scenery, filmed during winter storms with dark colors. It is simultaneously creepy and touching. You feel the kids in the film really form a bond. Plus, there is no silly old timey baseball scene like in other teenage vampire movies that shall remain nameless.

And get a load of that messed up girl in the photo. The violence is shown in ample amounts but it does not seem exaggerated (the way the American remake will be, no doubt). There is enough to satisfy my typical American male bloodlust, but enough is shown off screen to leave it to the imagination and make the film truly scary.

If you are the sort of person who is more afraid of subtitles than vampires, this film may not be for you. Everyone else: check it out.

-LA

Illegible and Unintelligible Ideas for Articles

Illegible and Unintelligible Ideas for Articles
Klaus Varley

Here are but a few of the scattered ideas written on scraps of paper and sometimes even in one the 3 1/4 in x 4 1/2 in composition books I purchased for the purpose of writing down scattered ideas. Each idea is followed by a parenthetical speculation of the idea's origin that may or may not be a complete fabrication

-One big eye = amazing (written after watching Clash of the Titans)

-Do yoga, look gay, get chicks (obviously written a long time ago, when I held the now unintelligible secret to how "doing yoga" and "looking gay" leads to "getting chicks")

-Some Japanese people look Mexican (written while racist)

-Cats don't cough (casual observation that could just be the one cat I observed)

-Budweiser tastes like my childhood (nostalgic reflection while drinking)

-Freak shows make money. Economically sound to be strange. (Reality show influenced)

-Faking it: What adults do for kids and other adults. No one is really confident about anything. (Faking confidence is a recurring idea in my daily life)

-If water comes out of the faucet too hot, avoid by ending the last usage with a turn on the cold. Or always wait a second. (Written after drying my hands and curing the faucet)

-No bumper stickers on my car - too much pressure; have to drive well. "Screw you, Obama supporter." "No signal? Who does this guy think he is? What does he like...Greenpeace? Screw Greenpeace." (Noted after having mixed feelings when an Obama supporter cut me off)

-The Home Depot logo - slanted - other slanted logos? Slanted Logo Series? (I always get ideas from The Home Depot - doesn't everyone?)

-Five life lessons learned by drinking: Anything tastes good after tequila; getting up early most mornings isn't so hard - try it with a hangover (Not sure when this came to me)

-Angry salesmen are hard to buy from - experience in Best Buy last summer. (More written details about said experience might have come in handy right about now)

-Used to think to give homeless people bluetooth to make them seem less crazy. Now, people with bluetooth (blueteeth?) appear crazy. At least the homeless people aren't getting cancer when talking to themselves. (Bus rides spawn articles ideas like nothing else)

-Power in friendships. Friendships give you power. Explain. (Listening to Tony Robbins makes everything about power)

-We cry when we are happy to hide our happiness from the gods. Or I read too much Pearl Buck. (I read too much Pearl Buck)

-Writing is a second chance to say what you want. Recreate the comeback. (Who says telling people off on YouTube can't lead to productive ideas?)

And...

That's it. For now. (Just thought of that)

Let me know which ones you like the best. And feel free to suggest new ideas not on this comprehensive list for future Brothel articles. Just drop a comment.

Better yet, write the article yourself and send it over. I'll post it for ya. No charge.

Seriously.

-KV

4/20 Update on the War on Drugs

The Literary Brothel is about to get serious on this less-than-serious counterculture holiday. You have been warned. -KV

4/20 Update on the War on Drugs
Klaus Varley

Since its inception in the 1970s, the war on drugs has cost over 1 Trillion dollars [1] and more people are using drugs today than ever before. So what's the solution? Well, how did they solve the last era of Prohibition in our country?

Luckily I don't have to make the argument for legalization, because there are far more articulate people doing it for me.

So sit back, relax [2] and check out the links below for some of the best arguments for drug legalization and the state of the current debate.

...
David Simon of The Wire

"I would decriminalize drugs in a heartbeat. I would put all the interdiction money, all the incarceration money, all the enforcement money, all of the pretrial, all the prep, all of that cash, I would hurl it, as fast as I could, into drug treatment and job training and jobs programs. I would rather turn these neighborhoods inward with jobs programs. Even if it was the equivalent of the urban CCC, if it was New Deal-type logic, it would be doing less damage than creating a war syndrome, where we're basically treating our underclass. The drug war's war on the underclass now. That's all it is. It has no other meaning."

Former Seattle Police Chief Norm Stamper

On the Drug War

"The most destructive and damming social policy since slavery."

On Marijuana effects vs. Alcohol

"I ask cops over and over how many people under the influence of marijuana turn violent on you in your career as a cop. The answer is always none." (Summarized)

"The drug that does produce more belligerence, more violence, more health problems, financial problems, family and community problems - than all other drugs combined - is legal."



What has Obama said about the issue? Little, so far. But he did brush off a question about marijuana legalization with a joke. Below, Cenk Uygur of The Young Turks shows the Obama clip then makes spot-on observations.



Alright, no more videos...but here are some links to some great ones, if you have the time:

Bill Maher speaking in front of NORML on Marijuana Legalization

"This isn't like the war on terrorism, we can't just win it by putting a flag on our car."

Glenn Beck gets owned by a Rob Kampia from the Marijuana Policy Project

Either he had a change of heart, or the above debate wasn't a real debate, Beck seems to come out in favor of legalization in this clip.

Dr. Ron Paul debating Stephen Baldwin on CNN (Stephen Baldwin? WTF CNN?)

Harvard Economics Professor Jeffrey Miron on why Legalization makes sense

And here's a recent article in the San Francisco Chronicle on how most people FAVOR marijuana legalization.

So why are we still talking about this?

The answer: we're not. In this post, at least.

-KV

-----------
Footnotes

[1] "Trillion" is capitalized when it refers to money such as the following statement from someone who is first introduced to the facts about the senselessness of our current drug policy: "The war on drugs wasted a Trillion dollars of taxpayer money? A Trillion? Damn that's a lot of money!)

[2] This is not our clever way of saying, "smoke weed while you read this post." It is our less-than-clever way of saying it.

A Long Drunken Rambling Post

Thought we were just going to post on Tuesday and Thursday this week as per our stated pattern from our first post? Surprise! Happy...week after Good Friday. Yes, this is how we celebrate the end of Lent. Doesn't everybody? -KV

A Long Drunken Rambling Post
Klaus Varley

I know what you're thinking. "A long drunken rambling post, as opposed to what? Your short sober blog posts? Your posts aren't short, and don't sound sober most of the time."

In the words of the venerable Baron Davis as quoted in the Daily Bruin circa 1997, "Slow your roll."

But maybe you're not thinking about the normal state of our posts. Maybe if your name is Minnie Grey you're thinking, "There should be commas between 'long' and 'drunken' and 'drunken' and 'rambling.'"

You might be right, Minnie. But we'll never know.

Anyhow, let the long drunken post begin! (Hint: it has already started.)

A Long Drunken Rambling Post For Real This Time
From the venerable Klaus Varley

I used to go to poetry readings in Westwood at Iso Cafe when it was called RelaxStation. Now you might be thinking, "RelaxStation is a stupid name for a cafe, no wonder they didn't last." Really? "Iso Cafe" is so much better? [1]

By whatever name, it's a two-story coffee house that serves sushi and bunch of other asian food that doesn't go with sushi.

And some nights it serves up poetry.

This night, the poetry was hosted by a poet known only as Snowplow. I soon found out her real name was "Katie." Anyhow, "plow" was cool, but nearly always did the same "Hello Kitty" poem where she explained her experience as an Asian female, growing up in a world that expected her to not have a mouth - a la the Hello Kitty doll - via the hip-hop art form known as slam poetry .

Where the hell am I going with all this? I'm not asking you, I'm trying to reorient myself. [2]

Just relax....RelaxStation...ah ha!

So, I went to the night hosted by Snowplow a few times, but I would never do a poem. Too intimidated. The other poets were too good, and by "too good," I mean some of them were really good, and other ones were okay, with a few being not bad, and one guy just asking us if we wanted more drinks, but he stuttered so it sounded like a poem. Yeah, even that guy was intimidating.

But today, thinking about the long defunct poetry readings, I have a thought: I should have written a poem.

I can write a poem.

How hard is it to write a poem?

I thought back, and imagined myself going up there, in front of the slam poets, and saying something like:

You fuckers
are intimidating
I usually just sit back
in the back
row
and listen

But listen

Tonight
I'll try
but probably lose
confidence but
it's not art
it's a start
or
beginning
leave them wanting more

That simulated "poem" took WAY too long and now I'm fading, off to bed, and sorry I couldn't wrap this up with something clever - maybe in the edit. You never now.

-KV

[1] Holy crap, in looking up how to spell "RelaxStation," I found this site which is dedicated to "the best of LA: good eats, good people, good things to do." A quick search on their site comes up empty for "WestSubs" and "A Video Store Named Desire" which means that our running series Best Things About LA can continue. Obviously this is the only instance where our tastes will cross paths. And for their information, Iso Cafe is NOT one of the best things about LA. That site sucks. Do not click the link above.

[2] When I say "reorient" it's not because Snowplow is Asian. How would that work? Sure, the word "orient" is in "reorient," but it means something completely different. Yet I can see how the average, hypersensitive, politically-correct, Asian-American studies majoring reader might raise an eyebrow or two about that word choice. Hell, it'd be a lot easier to just go back and change it than continue writing this footnote, but what's done is done. And this footnote is done. If this is the last thing you read because you didn't bother scrolling down when you encountered the "2" during the post, then this post is also done for you. If you're not a lazy reader, scroll back up and continue reading - oh you have yet to read the treasure that is the slam-poem contained within! It is not to be missed!
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