Books to Read in 2010

Klaus Varley

As I'm sure you recall from my New Year's Resolution Post, I, Klaus Varley, vowed to read a book of fiction each and every month of 2010. I've already picked out a book for January (Dune), and instead of doing anything productive this New Year's Eve, I thought I'd do one of my favorite procrastination exercises: make a list.

And so, what follows is a list of books that I swear I'm going to read in 2010 because either it's a "classic" or I bought at a library sale and it has been sitting on my bookcase ever since. (Twenty-five cents? Hell yes, I'll take it.)

Here we go!

(Month - Book - What I've heard)

Jan - Dune - "This is like, the best science fiction book ever." -Parker Briggsmore

Feb - Dragon Seed - "Pearl S. Buck's best work." - Random Amazon Reviewer

March - Sense and Sensibility - "I've only read it twenty times." - My girlfriend

April - Consider the Lobster - "This is a good intro to David Foster Wallace." - English Grad Student who thinks I need introductions to things. (Also in April, Lolita - one of the two books I attempt to reread once a year. The other is The Great Gatsby - see October.)

May - Liar's Poker - "Michael Lewis is one of my favorite authors." - Kyle, attorney, San Francisco, CA

June - The Grapes of Wrath - "You haven't read The Grapes of Wrath? Really?" - My dad

July - Infinite Jest - "Challenging." - More intelligent coworker

August - Red Harvest - "Hammett, Chandler...those guys can write." - Teddy Nutmeg

Sept - The Diamond Age - "This is the best science fiction book ever." - Parker Briggsmore

Oct -The Plot Against America - "This reminds me of your dissertation." - Concerned friend. Also in October, The Great Gatsby, though this is the last rereading for a while - other books need to be reread too.

Nov - The Heart of the Matter - "You're right, Graham Greene a great writer." - Klaus's sister.

Dec - War and Peace - "A classic." - Everyone

And anything else you recommend. I guess.

-KV

First Spinning Class: Jumps

Klaus Varley

The instructor is a 40 year old woman with .04% body fat. Klaus Varley is a 30 something year old man-child with more than .04% body fat. (But you probably knew that already.)

The hour-long class has just begun. It's nearly empty, the music is loud, and Klaus pedals fast, ignoring instructions to "turn his level up," whatever that means.

"Is your level up?" says the instructor.

"What?" says Klaus, confused that he has been singled out, but also truthfully, because as previously stated, the music is loud.

The instructor points to the lever knob on her bike and motions up with her thumb. Klaus returns her gesture, giving the instructor a thumbs up.

"You're pedaling too fast. Turn your level up."

Klaus yells a bright "OK!" to get into the mood of the class. He reaches down and twists the knob on his bike a couple of sharp turns to the right. Or at least, that's what it looks like. Because it's his first class, Klaus doesn't want to overdo it, so instead of turning up his level, he feigns the motion, and pedals slower, as if struggling with the greater resistance added to the bike.

"Okay class, get ready for jumps!"

Klaus looks down at his bike: stationary. Very stationary. He looks around the room: four people, four stationary bikes. The he looks to the instructor on her stationary bike and thinks, "This should be challenging."

"Go!"

The instructor pops up, standing and pedaling furiously. (This should have been clarified int the beginning - whenever I mention the instructor, it should be assumed she is pedaling furiously.) After eight counts of the chorus of "Cannonball" by The Breeders, she sits back down. The rest of the class does the same. Klaus soon joins in.

"Alright!" he exclaims, his breath quickening, sweat seeping through his shirt.

"You're getting the hang of it," says the instructor, mid "jump."

"What?" yells Klaus, half jokingly. He heard her, he just wants to hear it again. She gives him another look.

"Don't wear yourself out. We've still got fifty-five minutes to go."

Klaus blinks hard, and turns the level down on his bike.

-TLB

Bukowski on Criticism from Literary Critics

The best way a fake can cover is to call somebody else a fake. Their attacks on me are an affirmation that I"m doing things right. I just go on with what I'm doing.

-Charles Bukowski, 1984

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10 Last Minute Gift Ideas

Klaus Varley

Don't know what to get mom this year? Forgot to buy that wacky aunt a gift? (To be fair, you're still not sure if she's Jewish.) Luckily, The Literary Brothel is here to help.

10 Last Minute Gift Ideas

10. Your Old Computer If your relative is John McCain, or voted for John McCain, they'll never know the difference.
9. Knives Always come in handy. Especially the sharp kind.
8. Godel, Escher, Bach I know you have it on your shelf. I also know you're never going to read it.
7. A Kitten Be careful in wrapping - apparently they need air holes.
6. Blue Crush DVD Why do you have that movie, anyway? Give it away. Wrap it in Styrofoam if you want it to look "new."
5. Pens Always come in handy. Especially the kind with ink.
4. A Magazine Subscription Just when you thought these were all going to be joke ideas.
3. Las Vegas Cocktail Waitress Oops, that was so last year. If you haven't bought anything for Tiger yet, I'm sure a blog post showing your support would be plenty.
2. Donation to The Literary Brothel in their Name Support the local arts. (We're now based every city...via the internet...sort of.) For more info, email literarybrothel@gmail.com.
1. Health Insurance Seriously.

Hope that helps!

And Happy Holidays from all of us here at The Literary Brothel. Including team Blue Crush.



-KV

Avatar Spoilers!

Klaus Varley

-- Caution! This post contains spoilers! Thus the title. --

-- Warnings over. Let the spoilers begin! --

Avatar is in 3D Oh, you knew that? The woman sitting next to us apparently did not, fumbling with her glasses through the opening and leaving the theater after fifteen minutes.

The planet Pandora and the music website Pandora are not the same thing This was obvious to some.

The trees are alive But unlike in The Lord of the Rings, they're more like middle managers, getting animals to do most of their grunt work.

Jake Sully is half robot Oops, wrong movie.

Bows and arrows don't work against space ships Except in the end, when they do. I guess Jake taught the Na'vi how to shoot really hard or something.

Your avatar can have sex But it's VERY unclear how this works, exactly.

Michelle Rodriguez looks hot in war paint WHY she puts on war paint when none of the other humans do is another question.

You don't die if your avatar dies You just wake up coughing.

They should have sent Al Gore to Pandora instead of Ripley With that gun, I'm not surprised the Na'vi didn't trust her.


Seriously.

-KV

Live Blogging from the Santa Monica Library

Klaus Varley

Right now I'm sitting at a table in the main branch (is that what they call it?) of the Santa Monica Library typing on my computer, thinking how clever it is to be typing exactly what I'm doing, and wondering why I don't do this more often.

The answer to that will come shortly. I can feel it.

I glance ahead at the guy at the table in front of me, and notice that his shirt is blue - I mean REALLY blue. He probably thinks my eyes are just randomly searching the library, and in a sense he's right, but in another sense no, he's not right, I'm writing about his shirt and he probably would NEVER guess that I'm writing about his shirt. Unless of course, he put on that shirt with expressly that purpose.

"I'm going to wear this blue shirt, go the library, and give some blogger who is looking around the room something to write about."

First off, man, this isn't a blog. Well, THIS entry is blog-like, but most of the other pieces are planned expressions of creative writing. (As I write this, I begin to realize that the line has blurred between what is or isn't a blog these days, and that some blogs have elevated the word "blog" so that it's not even a bad thing.)

Then my phone rings.

And by "rings" I mean "vibrates."

It's the car dealership. My car is...not ready? They need to replace the battery? 300 bucks? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

I gotta call them back.

Blogging over.

I mean, creative observations.

Over.

-KV

ps. As I pack my things, the guy in the blue shirt is watching Susan Boyle's performance of "I Dreamed a Dream" on his laptop. How do I know this if he is facing me? Because I can hear it blasting out of his computer speakers, and his eyes are a little misty.

Seriously.

Tiger Woods's Ten Best Pick-Up LInes

Klaus Varley

The jokes are arriving a little late, as the media - and everyone we know - are slowly diverting their attention away from Woods to petty updates about the health care bill and global warming. Oh well, cant' say we didn't try. -TLB

10. Hi, I'm Tiger Woods.
9. Want to see my driver?
8. By "driver," I mean my "golf driver," not my chauffeur.
7. By "golf driver" I mean my penis.
6. Nice hair. I've never dated a blond before.
5. Can I use five of my billion dollars to buy you a drink?
4. I can make you famous. That is, if you sleep with me and/or save my voice mails and text messages.
3. Did you know Tigers can make love for ten hours at a time? Yes, I did make that up.
2. Fore!...some. Thoughts?
1. Just do me.

-KV

ps. Below is on of the pics of Tiger Woods' wife Elin Nordegren that has guys across the nation doing the "what was he thinking?" scratch of their heads.


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Charles Bukowski Quote on Writing

The main thing about writing is to write, not to talk about writing.

-Charles Bukowski, 1985