1000 Pages a Day - 3

This post is the third part of an ongoing series. Here's the previos post which links to the first post about this. Confused? Good. -KV

ALTERNATE INTRODUCTION to 1000 Pages a Day

I sat down with a friend of mine the other day and told him this joke.

"What comes before every racist joke?"

I glanced over my left shoulder, then my right.

"What?" he asked.

"That's it. The looking around to make sure you don't offend anyone."

"Oh," was his response.

"Yeah," was mine.

It's exactly the same when talking about graduate school. Want to tell a fellow graduate student a juicy rumor about a professor? Check your shoulders. No professors? What about other graduate students who may or may not revere the professor because they are either complete history dorks or complete scheming politically minded history dorks? Especially be on the lookout for the latter.

If the coast is clear, then plow away.

For now, the coast is clear. Let's get started.

(To be continued...)

-KV

1000 Pages a Day - 2

This is a follow-up to A Public Declaration: 1000 Pages a Day. That's what the "2" is all about. So please, no more questions about the 2. -KV

Chapter 2: Introduction (1)

First, the title. 1000 Pages a Day: the pace we were expected to read the first year of my Ph.D. program in American History.

Okay, 1000 pages is a slight exaggeration. Some days it would be 1000 pages, other days it would be less.

But some days, it would be more.

"How can one person read 1000 pages a day, let alone many days in a row?"

The answer of course, is you can't. This is not a how-to book.

If you thought it was a how-to book when you first picked it up, hold on a second. Yes, this is a how-to book. I promise. Still reading? Great. Go to the register, and buy this book and then I promise I'll tell you how to read 1000 pages a day.

I'm waiting.

Okay, it's yours? Great. Read on:

How to Read 1000 Pages a Day
A "How-to" Book by Klaus Varley

1. Get your supplies: coffee, stop watch, highlighter, pen, sticky tabs, and paper.
2. Get your book(s).
3. Divide the pages into blocks of 100.
4. Read 100 pages an hour.

So now you want to know how to read 100 pages an hour? That's not the name of the book, but I'll give it a shot.

How to Read 100 Pages an Hour
by Klaus Varley

1. Follow steps 1 and 2, above.
2. Set the stopwatch to 30 minutes.
3. Close your eyes.
4. Imagine a shadowy figure holding a gun to your head. The figure says, "You have 30 minutes to learn everything you can from these hundred pages or I blow your brains out. Go."
5. Say "Bang!"
6. Press "Start" on the stopwatch.
7. Crack open the book.
8. Read fast. The shadowy figure is watching.(2)

Hope that helps. All the "how-to" readers can put this back on the shelf.

Still here? Alright, so if this isn't a how-to book, what is it?

1000 Pages a Day is a dramatization of my first year of an intensive Ph.D. program in American History at a University that shall remain unnamed (at least until this goes into book form). If those of you out there think you may know which university I am referring to, think again. Still thinking of that same one? Damn. Well, I'll make you a deal - don't say anything about this for a couple years and I'll make you look good in the novel. Hell, maybe after I self publish it, I'll give it to you as a Christmas present, and pay for the shipping myself?(4)

So let's all keep our mouth shut about this, and let me air out some of the things that went down that fateful year when you said to yourself, "I haven't heard from Klaus in a while."

And with that...let's begin.

And by "begin" I mean "To be continued..."

-KV


---footnotes---

1. Though introductions are rarely labeled by chapter numbers, "Chapter 2" in this case actually means "Introduction." When we get to the real Chapter 2, that will be Chapter 2. I am aware this makes no sense.

2. How to read fast in case the shadowy figure is watching by Klaus Varley. First read the introduction and conclusion. The author's argument and structure of book will be in there - a.k.a. everything you need to speak intelligently about the book(3). Then flip through and browse the footnotes/end notes so you can name drop some of those authors. IF YOU HAVE TIME, read the first and last paragraphs of chapters, the first and last sentence of every paragraph, and if you're SUPER fast, read some of those words in the middle of the paragraphs that make up the bulk of the book.

3. Of course these instructions are for non-fiction, social science books...a.k.a. History books. Fiction is another story. Memoirs, also, cannot be read in this manner. Don't even think about trying it with this book. Seriously.

4. CA residents still have to pay tax. Sorry.

A Public Declaration: 1000 Pages a Day

"If you want to get something done, tell as many people as you can that you're going to do it. Then you'll fear their disappointment, and that disappointment will drive you." - Anonymous(1)

History, screenwriting, actual job, The Brothel, day-to-day things, relationship, friends, fitness, f^&k! the plate is getting full.

One more thing. I can do one more thing. A novel.

Write a novel. How hard can that be?

I'll start it here on The Brothel - then it will be combined with my Brothel duties, and not be an extra thing.

Right.

Plus, the writing can then be done from anywhere with an internet connection.

And if there is no internet connection, I can hand-write it, on napkins(2), then type it up later.

I'll write for 30 minutes a day. This is a rough draft. Comments will be appreciated - and possibly acknowledged in the printed version of the novel - but when you make your comments keep in mind the sentence prior to this one.

In other words, this is a rough draft. There will be errors.

(15 minutes left)

Apparently, you can write a decent amount in 30 minutes a day. (See this post) I've already written the first two footnotes, which contain the cleverest jokes so far, so I hope you're reading them as you go along, and not wondering what those numbers in parentheses are. (Blogger lacks footnote technology.)

12 minutes to go. Time to start the novel.

1000 Pages a Day
by Klaus Varley

Published by Random House
Copyright 2009
New York City
The Home of Pace Picante
And Jay-Z

Chapter 1: Acknowledgments

If you are reading this descriptive paragraph instead of the actual acknowledgments, it means they have not yet been written. They have not yet been written, because as I have not yet written the book, and thus do not know who to thank.

However, I assume this section eventually will include brief disclaimer on how there is no possible way I can thank everyone associated with this book and surely I'll forget someone if I do, followed by a long list of names, some of which will share my last name, others being readers of this blog, ending - most likely - with a brief dedication to my parents or my girlfriend, who may be more than my girlfriend by that time.(3)

(Oh no, 4 minutes left! I spent too much time writing footnote 3, balancing the fact that we could be married by that time without sounding too much like I was proposing while walking the fine line of suggesting that if a proposal was on the horizon it wasn't far FAR in the future, but just in the future.)

Damn, 1 minute left. Just enough time for a title of the next chapter:

Chapter 2: Introduction

(To be continued...)

-KV


---footnotes---

(1) I'm not sure anyone actually said this.
(2) I would not recommend writing anything important on napkins, yet Banana Yamamoto allegedly wrote this badass book called Kitchen on napkins while waitressing in Tokyo. But we can't all be Banana.
(3) This does not mean we have immediate plans to get married, this just means that books take a long time to write.