The Michael Phelps Bong Controversy: An Article Review

The Michael Phelps Bong Controversy: An Article Review
by Klaus Varley

Because we covered a bit of Phelps during the 2008 Olympics, we find it only fair to drop in on Sports Illustrated Athlete of the Year and see what's cookin' in his world these days.

[An intense scouring of Google News reveals...]

Oh my. It appears the Beijing Golden Boy (BGB) has stepped into another scandal. Phelps apparently was caught on film taking a hit from a bong with a substance that could be marijuana. He immediately apologized for it so this should quickly fade...

Unless the media blows things out of proportion. But they wouldn't do that.

Oh, look, a few (thousand) articles. Here's a sampling of the best, the worst, and the most useful pieces on the latest Phelps folly.

Best Article on the Michael Phelps Bong Controversy

"Big Bong Theory"
by Sally Jenkins
Washington Post, Feb. 3rd, 2009.

Jenkins balances her intimate knowledge of athletes (she has written 8 books - yes, 8 - on the subject) with an air of levity that make us here at The Brothel tip our hat. Ah, so that's how you do it. Well done, madam, well done.

Worst Article on the Michael Phelps Bong Controversy

"Killion: Youth doesn't explain away Phelps's misdeed"
by Ann Killion
San Jose Mercury News, Feb. 2nd, 2009

A superficial analysis of the line of Phelps's public apology statement, "I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way." Killion uses a few notable lines herself. Notably:

"I am not the pot police." I don't know, that sounds like Narc talk to me.

"Insert your own joke here." I'm a columnist who is not familiar with marijuana lingo and so I dare not attempt a joke about it.

"He's not some stoner kid, lounging on the couch, pondering why Homer Simpson is such a great actor." Because "stoners" mistake cartoons for real people.

Actually, they don't. Marijuana isn't a psychedelic, it's a psychoactive, and while those words sound similar, their different definitions mean that stoners wouldn't ponder Homer Simpson's acting ability, but his impact on global youth culture and musical trends since the 1990s, finding connections where there aren't any, and feeling profound while sounding idiotic. That's what I heard, anyway. (Now I'm stealing from Sally Jenkins. Sorry, Sally!)

"Insert your own joke here." Parker pointed out that perhaps she wrote this thinking she would have time to go back and put a joke in, but then it was rushed to press. I somehow doubt that.

Most Useful Article on the Michael Phelps Bong Controversy

Michael Phelps's High-Performance Bong
by Cliff Kuang
Fast Company, Feb. 3rd, 2009

Apparently, it's a ROOR. What's a ROOR?

"Michael Phelps is a fierce competitor, always searching for an edge. Last summer, it was his swimsuit. This winter, it's his bong. And not just any bong...he's using a ROOR, an expensive, high-end product that some people believe is the best performing bong on the market."

Nice work, Cliff. That's what we call "journalism."

Two important questions not being asked in the above articles:

1. Who records people at parties then sells them to British newspapers? Someone needs an ass-whoopin'.

2. Phelps is a role model, apparently in part because he helps sells cereal, fast food, and Speedos to kids. (Kellogg, McDonald's, and er, Speedo) The question being asked is: now that he has been caught imitating Warren G, should he still appear on cereal boxes, happy meals, and, er, Speedos?

Answer: Shouldn't we be asking if it's good for advertisers to target children in the first place?

And...

Have you ever looked at a box of Trix?

Have you ever looked at a box of Trix...on weed?

(That last joke is from a movie called Half Baked, in case you missed it, Ann.)

-KV

The Internet is for Porn

That's the title of a song from "Avenue Q," a musical now playing on Broadway. In New York City. The city we just returned from Wednesday night. A city that - combined with traveling - is to blame for a cold keeping me from...tons and tons of copious physical activities that I do everyday? I guess I'll just have to blog, edit, and surf the web. What a change in lifestyle.

But let's get back to Avenue Q.

Avenue Q is a musical that we did not get to see, because we were only in New York for one in a half days. But the title should hopefully drive more hits to The Brothel. We've been hurting for hits since Michael Phelps got dry.

And I'm not talking about his drinking.

But maybe I should be? Will that bring readers to The Brothel?

I know, I should care more about content than about hits. Develop a strong, regular readership. Blah blah blah.

"Blah blah blah"...that reminds me. I met a guy in Baltimore who covers Phelps. Maybe I'll blog about that in the upcoming days when I blog about Klaus Varley's 2008 trip to the East Coast.

For now, I'm off to eat/drink more soup. This has been a semi-rational posting from a less-than healthy Brothel co-founder. The New York, DC, and Baltimore stories are coming next week. Promise.

-KV

Interest in Phelps/Olympics Wanes

Now that Phelps is out of the pool, are the Olympics over?

Answer: Yes.

Well, not exactly, but it sure seems like it. It's as if the dramatic climax of the movie came half-way though, and now we have to watch a mediocre subplot carry the rest of the film.

But unlike a movie, in the Olympics you have your choice of subplots! Here are the four big ones, as far as I can tell:

Subplot 1 - That Jamaican guy runs fast

Subplot 2 - Racist pictures at the Olympics

Subplot 3 - Tibet, or protests, or something...

Subplot 4 - US Basketball Team set to kick some serious Bryant

I'm gonna follow subplot 4. You?

-KV

Swimming in the Zeitgeist

Swimming in the Zeitgeist
by Klaus Varley

I don't know why I went to the pool, but I did.

Michael Phelps made me do it. I don't know how, but he did.

The pool seemed extraordinarily crowded for a Thursday afternoon. I shared a lane with three other people.

Half-way through my first lap, I realized I hadn't swam in a long, long time. But I was still faster than other people in nearby lanes.

Why were they swimming so slowly?

On my second lap, I realized why - swimming is tiring.

By the third lap, I had another theory - Michael Phelps made them do it. They had seen nothing but swimming for the past week - swimming was in the collective zeitgeist. Their brains said "swim," and swim they did, even if they couldn't swim very well.

Lap four - Was I a victim of this as well? Could it be possible that Phelps and Co. had co-opted my freedom of choice? Was swimming was my only option for physical fitness? If I swam on a regular basis, could I too eat whatever I wanted?

Perhaps.

Or perhaps I was thinking too much about this. And I was getting tired.

I got out, rinsed off, saw a bunch of naked men in the locker room, and noticed that though I felt like Phelps when I put on a Speedo, my reflection did not echo this inner image. Maybe if I shaved my legs...

Or maybe not.

And that's okay. Next week everyone will out of the pool and down on the track doing the 100 meter dash and I...will probably be there too.

-KV

Michael Phelps Eats Gold Medal By Accident

BEIJING (TLB) - Olympic gold medal swimmer Michael Phelps has taken on more than he can chew. On Saturday, August 16th, Phelps accidentally took a bite out of one of the seven gold medals he has recently acquired at these 2008 Olympic games.

According to witnesses, Phelps was in the midst of his (coincidentally) seventh bowl of ramen when the accident took place.

"I thought it looked kinda strange, but I bit into it anyway," stated an embarrassed Phelps, who later confessed to eating the entire medal, not just taking a bite as earlier reported (in this article).

"Hey, I need my calories," Phelps said, looking strangely at our microphone. "What's that made of?"

"Poop," I responded. It was our only microphone. "Did you really eat the gold medal?"

"No, I'm just kidding," Phelps said. But then he paused and leaned in close as if to tell us a secret. "But even if I did, I got six more right here."

Phelps then laughed, turned into a dolphin and swam away.

In other words, it was just another day in China.


-Klaus Varley reporting live from (an imaginary) Beijing

Ten Reasons Why Michael Phelps is an Asshole

Regular pieces have been put on hold during the Olympics, as The Literary Brothel has received more hits for "michael phelps asshole" than anything else in the history of the site. Yeah, even more than "naked boobies," although that's still very popular, along with "my girlfriend on a toilet seat."

So here's another piece with "Michael Phelps" and "asshole" in the title. Enjoy! -KV

Ten Reasons Why Michael Phelps is an Asshole
by Klaus Varley

10. He eats 12,000 calories a day and does not get fat. (Thanks LD for this link)

9. He never grows old.

8. He competed in his first Olympics at the age of 15. (Take that, Chinese Women's Gymnastics Team)

7. He breaks his own world records easier than I break my own CDs. (And I break my CDs really easily)

6. He can fly.

5. He is from Baltimore. (Like Omar)

4. He is a spokesman for MADD

3. He has "mad" skills in the pool.

2. His ability to receive text messages is unparalleled.

1. My girlfriend thinks he's cute.

...

Okay, so he might grow old "someday," and he can't technically "fly." But the rest of that stuff is true. Which means he's...kinda a decent guy?!? Wait, but my girlfriend thinks he's cute! Ef-Michael Phelps!

-KV

Hot Cool Asshole: More Michael Phelps Keywords

Boy that Phelps kid is popular. Here are some searches that have hit our site in the past few days. -KV

"michael phelps asshole"

"michael phelps jenna bush"

"michael phelps text message"

"phelps asshole"

"how to text michael phelps" (I have to say, this is expecting a lot out of Google)

"is phelps an asshole"

"michael phelps cool or asshole"

"michael phelps totally hot"

Does Phelps really come across like an asshole, or does he just look like an asshole? I'm betting on the latter, since he doesn't say much except, "dude, I got a lot of text messages today."

But we gotta say, "Thanks, Michael." Anyone who brings as many hits as you have to our site can't be an asshole.

Or can he?

The debate continues!

-KV

Michael Phelps + asshole

"Michael Phelps + asshole" - The funniest keyword search that has hit The Brothel in a while.

For the record, nowhere on this site do we say "Michael Phelps is an asshole." In fact, as a whole we are undecided as to what we think of Mr. Phelps, only that he swims really, really fast.

I mean like, really fast.

-KV

Michael Phelps's Text Messages

Michael Phelps said today that he received "like a hundred text messages" after winning the gold in the 400-meter freestyle relay.

Using advanced technology* we here at The Literary Brothel intercepted the first of those text messages, and traced the numbers back to the senders. Yeah, I know, that's some "advanced" technology.

Here they are, in the order received:

"Big ups, Mike. I will buy your suit for one million dollars, as agreed." -Bill 'bad boy' Gates

"My dad wants to send you a text message congratulating you, but he can't figure out how. I'm gonna try to teach him. If not, well, good job, I guess." -Jenna Bush

"Dude, chicks dig gold medals. Let me wear one. Just for a night. I'll let you play my bongos." -Matthew McConaughey

"I JUST LEARNED HOW TO TEXT! WOO WOO!" -yer prez

"Congrats, man, but many medals do you need?" -Greg Louganis

"Did Greg just send you a text about winning too many medals and outshining former Olympians? Just remember, there are many of us, and one of you. And you can't hide in the water forever." -Mary Lou Retton on behalf of herself, Mark Spitz, Carl Lewis, Kerri Strug, and many, many others. We are everywhere.

"Nice strokes kid, but are you ready for the big time? See you in San Diego." -Shamu

"Congrats. Whatever Bill offered you for your suit, I'll double it." -Rupert Murdoch

"What I mean is, congratulations Michael. Your country is proud of you. When you get back to the states, your Uncle George will send over a congratulatory gallon of gas. Lol. Btw, did you know 'congratulatory' was a word? Connie taught me that one today. Anyways, gotta go." -GWB

"Your totally hot. Loves it." -Paris Hilton

Just after the text from Paris our advanced technology ran out of ideas. Oh well. As if Phelps needs more press...

-KV

---
*known in some circles as the "imagination" machine