I Shadow Box Naked But My Shadow Has Shorts On

I thought of the name of this post while in the shower, NOT while shadow boxing naked.

Or did I?

(Not sure, actually. That's a real question. If you know the answer, well, I have two questions for you. 1. How the hell do you that? 2. You seem to know a lot. Can you help me find my keys? In the drawer, why would they be...oh, you're right. Never mind.)

This post is a return to the form of a true rant. What is a true rant? Specifically, it's when you riff on one topic, land on something that reminds you of something else you hate, at which point you switch to that topic, and go off on that. Generally, it's a bunch of complaining. When that complaining is combined with a lot of grammatical mistakes it is referred to as a blog.

But this is not a blog.

[Transition to rant about blogs]

How is this different from a blog?

Well, a blog can be, "look at my pictures from my weekend!" followed by twenty pictures you did not ask to see (but still enjoy looking at! Seriously, friends, seriously.)

A blog also might also read like a laundry-list of activities, juxtaposed with thoughts from those activities.

"Today I took the dog for a walk, and was thinking that man, I should do this more often! When the dog poops outdoors, it is SO much easier to clean up!"

Yes, cheap joke, but stay with me - we're ranting about blogs.

The complex blogger might go even further, and get a bit post-modern in his or her entry, acknowledging the role of the reader, such as:

"You might be thinking, hey stupid, you should have known about the pooping patterns of dogs BEFORE you purchased that animal. What can I say? I'm from the City."

I have no idea if the "the" in "the City" is supposed to be capitalized, and I refuse to look it up in this context - a reference to San Francisco.

[Transition...]

To this day, I honestly get confused when someone calls Frisco "the city." Since my mid-twenties, I have been a stickler for people using the appropriate or nearly appropriate, or a closely accurate words to describe specific things. I don't know if it's just getting old, or I don't want to assume I know what people mean when they say something vague, like "the city."

You're going where? Oh, SF. Why didn't you just say so? You know, there are lots of cities. In fact, San Jose AND San Diego have more people than San Fran. Look it up. It's true.

The OTHER thing I deplore about San Francisco is the disdain for Los Angeles. I suppose it isn't representative of the entire city, and so I shouldn't characterize it as such. But man, when you're in the city by the bay, and you mention you're from LA, watch out. Here are some things people - who I don't know very well, but have reason to be polite to - ie: they're friends with my friend who lives up in Nor Cal - have said when they find I'm from LA.

"Is it hard to breathe down there?"

"Do you like, drive a lot?"

"How are the movie stars?"

"Do you ever get sick of the superficiality?"

"What's your screenplay about?"

The answers:

No.
No.
Cool.
No.
A romantic comedy between a strict parking enforcement agent and a girl who breaks all the rules.

At least, that's what one of them is about.

-KV

Michael Phelps Eats Gold Medal By Accident

BEIJING (TLB) - Olympic gold medal swimmer Michael Phelps has taken on more than he can chew. On Saturday, August 16th, Phelps accidentally took a bite out of one of the seven gold medals he has recently acquired at these 2008 Olympic games.

According to witnesses, Phelps was in the midst of his (coincidentally) seventh bowl of ramen when the accident took place.

"I thought it looked kinda strange, but I bit into it anyway," stated an embarrassed Phelps, who later confessed to eating the entire medal, not just taking a bite as earlier reported (in this article).

"Hey, I need my calories," Phelps said, looking strangely at our microphone. "What's that made of?"

"Poop," I responded. It was our only microphone. "Did you really eat the gold medal?"

"No, I'm just kidding," Phelps said. But then he paused and leaned in close as if to tell us a secret. "But even if I did, I got six more right here."

Phelps then laughed, turned into a dolphin and swam away.

In other words, it was just another day in China.


-Klaus Varley reporting live from (an imaginary) Beijing

what are little black dots on my toilet seat and are now moving

People search for everything on the Internet.

But to answer the question, those little black dots on your toilet seat could be a number of things. Here are some theories (and explanations in italics)

1. Tiny, alternative universes. That's how god works.
2. The (New) Black Plague. It has to start somewhere.
3. Poppy Seeds. Stop eating bagels on the toilet.
4. The little "i's" you forgot to dot are coming to get you. And periods too.
5. Apple is testing out the new iPod. It's small.
6. You have an interactive "connect-the-dots" toilet. You are now in the advanced "moving" round.
7. Poop. Poop.
8. The dots aren't on the toilet, they're in your mind. And now they are moving...
.
..
...
.... . . . . . . . . .... .
..
.
What dots?

Hope that helps!

iii....iii

-KV