The Top 5 Most Homophobic Counties in California

The Top Five Most Homophobic Counties in California
by Klaus Varley

Note: Homophobic percentages derived from the percentage of people in each county who voted in favor of Proposition 8. Special shout-out to the LA Times and their results by county map.

5. Madera County - 73.4% Homophobic

You might recognize this county from recent news reports: officials from Madera County discovered the bones of that missing adventurer Steve Fossett. Unreported, however, was another investigation: Officials from Madera County also looked into their own bodies and were delighted to discover "not a gay bone anywhere."

4. Kings County - 73.8% Homophobic

Kings County is not one "king's" county, but the county of "kings," plural. Turns out the kings living in Kings County are some of the most homophobic kings throughout the land. A place where on any given weekday, squire and noblemen can join together in tavern after tavern to chant the simple, yet age-old homophobic adage, "This is kings county, not queens county."

3. Modoc County - 74.3% Homophobic

Where? Oh, the north-east corner of the state. According to the Census Bureau, Modoc County has less than 10,000 people, and is 80.7% white. The sexual orientation of its citizens may reveal something about its homophobia rate, as 90% responded "heterosexual" and 10% "of course I'm heterosexual, thanks for asking in front of my family and friends."

2. Kern County - 75.3% Homophobic

The only county on the list with a major city (sorry, Madera is not a major city). Bakersfield is home to Buck Owens' Crystal Palace, which is listed as "Buck Owen's Crystal Palace" on their website, but "Buck Owens' Crystal Palace" on their sign. Bakersfield may be confused about how to punctuate their largest tourist attraction, but they are not confused about whether gay people should be allowed to marry. "Hells no. Punctuate THAT, city boy."

And the most homophobic county in California is...

1. Tulare County - 75.4% Homophobic

Tulare County is known by those of us from Central California as that long, boring-ass stretch on Highway 99 between Bakersfield and Fresno. You just go straight for what seeems like forever. A gay friend of mine once said, "you don't go straight, you go foward." But in Tulare County, even he doesn't think about going anywhere but straight...out of town. As fast as he can.

-KV

UCLA Loses to Fresno State, Crowd Throws Up

This article is about UCLA's 36-31 loss to Fresno State last Saturday (Sept. 27th, 2008) at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, CA. It was 91 degrees with 36% humidity. Yes, it is relevant. -KV

UCLA Loses, Crowd throws up A LOT.

Okay, maybe they didn't throw up. Maybe they were dehydrated.

"More than 800 people got sick (13 went to the hospital) after watching the Fresno Bulldogs beat the UCLA Bruins on Saturday at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena." -LAist

What the hell is the LAist? Let's try a more reputable source. (The following quotes all hail from the LA Times)

"We had a lot of out-of-town fans who might not have been acclimated or prepared for the Southern California weather conditions," stated Pasadena Fire Department Spokeswoman, Lisa Derderian.

Oh snap, it must have been those weak Fresno fans. But wait, the Times comes to their defense:

"Steven Trembley, a spokesman for the Fresno State Athletic Department said Monday he was aware that fans were treated for heat-related issues but said he had not heard that Fresno State fans were disproportionately affected by the heat, which they must deal with on a regular basis for home games in the San Joaquin Valley."

That's right, succas. It gets plenty hot in Fresno. PLENTY HOT.

So what the hell happened?

"The combination of pregame activities, including drinking at tailgate parties, coupled with a flood of fans trying to get into the stadium before kickoff may have contributed to the high volume of medical calls, Derderian said."

That's right. I forgot how unusual it is at football games for fans to drink until the last minute and come in the stadium right at kickoff.

The Times article then ends with a clue:

"Most of the patients -- many complaining of dizziness, nausea and dehydration -- came from the north end of the end zone and did not fit a pattern of age or gender."

The north end, eh? Hmmm. On one side of the north end is the visitor's section...yet on the other sit the UCLA students. How about a description of their clothing? Were they wearing red or blue? White or gold? Did they have a bulldog on their shirt or a bear?

And lastly, did they have a Mac or PC with them in the Medical tent? Because if they had a PC, they were definitely from Fresno.

-KV