Books to Read in 2010

Klaus Varley

As I'm sure you recall from my New Year's Resolution Post, I, Klaus Varley, vowed to read a book of fiction each and every month of 2010. I've already picked out a book for January (Dune), and instead of doing anything productive this New Year's Eve, I thought I'd do one of my favorite procrastination exercises: make a list.

And so, what follows is a list of books that I swear I'm going to read in 2010 because either it's a "classic" or I bought at a library sale and it has been sitting on my bookcase ever since. (Twenty-five cents? Hell yes, I'll take it.)

Here we go!

(Month - Book - What I've heard)

Jan - Dune - "This is like, the best science fiction book ever." -Parker Briggsmore

Feb - Dragon Seed - "Pearl S. Buck's best work." - Random Amazon Reviewer

March - Sense and Sensibility - "I've only read it twenty times." - My girlfriend

April - Consider the Lobster - "This is a good intro to David Foster Wallace." - English Grad Student who thinks I need introductions to things. (Also in April, Lolita - one of the two books I attempt to reread once a year. The other is The Great Gatsby - see October.)

May - Liar's Poker - "Michael Lewis is one of my favorite authors." - Kyle, attorney, San Francisco, CA

June - The Grapes of Wrath - "You haven't read The Grapes of Wrath? Really?" - My dad

July - Infinite Jest - "Challenging." - More intelligent coworker

August - Red Harvest - "Hammett, Chandler...those guys can write." - Teddy Nutmeg

Sept - The Diamond Age - "This is the best science fiction book ever." - Parker Briggsmore

Oct -The Plot Against America - "This reminds me of your dissertation." - Concerned friend. Also in October, The Great Gatsby, though this is the last rereading for a while - other books need to be reread too.

Nov - The Heart of the Matter - "You're right, Graham Greene a great writer." - Klaus's sister.

Dec - War and Peace - "A classic." - Everyone

And anything else you recommend. I guess.

-KV

First Spinning Class: Jumps

Klaus Varley

The instructor is a 40 year old woman with .04% body fat. Klaus Varley is a 30 something year old man-child with more than .04% body fat. (But you probably knew that already.)

The hour-long class has just begun. It's nearly empty, the music is loud, and Klaus pedals fast, ignoring instructions to "turn his level up," whatever that means.

"Is your level up?" says the instructor.

"What?" says Klaus, confused that he has been singled out, but also truthfully, because as previously stated, the music is loud.

The instructor points to the lever knob on her bike and motions up with her thumb. Klaus returns her gesture, giving the instructor a thumbs up.

"You're pedaling too fast. Turn your level up."

Klaus yells a bright "OK!" to get into the mood of the class. He reaches down and twists the knob on his bike a couple of sharp turns to the right. Or at least, that's what it looks like. Because it's his first class, Klaus doesn't want to overdo it, so instead of turning up his level, he feigns the motion, and pedals slower, as if struggling with the greater resistance added to the bike.

"Okay class, get ready for jumps!"

Klaus looks down at his bike: stationary. Very stationary. He looks around the room: four people, four stationary bikes. The he looks to the instructor on her stationary bike and thinks, "This should be challenging."

"Go!"

The instructor pops up, standing and pedaling furiously. (This should have been clarified int the beginning - whenever I mention the instructor, it should be assumed she is pedaling furiously.) After eight counts of the chorus of "Cannonball" by The Breeders, she sits back down. The rest of the class does the same. Klaus soon joins in.

"Alright!" he exclaims, his breath quickening, sweat seeping through his shirt.

"You're getting the hang of it," says the instructor, mid "jump."

"What?" yells Klaus, half jokingly. He heard her, he just wants to hear it again. She gives him another look.

"Don't wear yourself out. We've still got fifty-five minutes to go."

Klaus blinks hard, and turns the level down on his bike.

-TLB

Bukowski on Criticism from Literary Critics

The best way a fake can cover is to call somebody else a fake. Their attacks on me are an affirmation that I"m doing things right. I just go on with what I'm doing.

-Charles Bukowski, 1984

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10 Last Minute Gift Ideas

Klaus Varley

Don't know what to get mom this year? Forgot to buy that wacky aunt a gift? (To be fair, you're still not sure if she's Jewish.) Luckily, The Literary Brothel is here to help.

10 Last Minute Gift Ideas

10. Your Old Computer If your relative is John McCain, or voted for John McCain, they'll never know the difference.
9. Knives Always come in handy. Especially the sharp kind.
8. Godel, Escher, Bach I know you have it on your shelf. I also know you're never going to read it.
7. A Kitten Be careful in wrapping - apparently they need air holes.
6. Blue Crush DVD Why do you have that movie, anyway? Give it away. Wrap it in Styrofoam if you want it to look "new."
5. Pens Always come in handy. Especially the kind with ink.
4. A Magazine Subscription Just when you thought these were all going to be joke ideas.
3. Las Vegas Cocktail Waitress Oops, that was so last year. If you haven't bought anything for Tiger yet, I'm sure a blog post showing your support would be plenty.
2. Donation to The Literary Brothel in their Name Support the local arts. (We're now based every city...via the internet...sort of.) For more info, email literarybrothel@gmail.com.
1. Health Insurance Seriously.

Hope that helps!

And Happy Holidays from all of us here at The Literary Brothel. Including team Blue Crush.



-KV

Avatar Spoilers!

Klaus Varley

-- Caution! This post contains spoilers! Thus the title. --

-- Warnings over. Let the spoilers begin! --

Avatar is in 3D Oh, you knew that? The woman sitting next to us apparently did not, fumbling with her glasses through the opening and leaving the theater after fifteen minutes.

The planet Pandora and the music website Pandora are not the same thing This was obvious to some.

The trees are alive But unlike in The Lord of the Rings, they're more like middle managers, getting animals to do most of their grunt work.

Jake Sully is half robot Oops, wrong movie.

Bows and arrows don't work against space ships Except in the end, when they do. I guess Jake taught the Na'vi how to shoot really hard or something.

Your avatar can have sex But it's VERY unclear how this works, exactly.

Michelle Rodriguez looks hot in war paint WHY she puts on war paint when none of the other humans do is another question.

You don't die if your avatar dies You just wake up coughing.

They should have sent Al Gore to Pandora instead of Ripley With that gun, I'm not surprised the Na'vi didn't trust her.


Seriously.

-KV

Live Blogging from the Santa Monica Library

Klaus Varley

Right now I'm sitting at a table in the main branch (is that what they call it?) of the Santa Monica Library typing on my computer, thinking how clever it is to be typing exactly what I'm doing, and wondering why I don't do this more often.

The answer to that will come shortly. I can feel it.

I glance ahead at the guy at the table in front of me, and notice that his shirt is blue - I mean REALLY blue. He probably thinks my eyes are just randomly searching the library, and in a sense he's right, but in another sense no, he's not right, I'm writing about his shirt and he probably would NEVER guess that I'm writing about his shirt. Unless of course, he put on that shirt with expressly that purpose.

"I'm going to wear this blue shirt, go the library, and give some blogger who is looking around the room something to write about."

First off, man, this isn't a blog. Well, THIS entry is blog-like, but most of the other pieces are planned expressions of creative writing. (As I write this, I begin to realize that the line has blurred between what is or isn't a blog these days, and that some blogs have elevated the word "blog" so that it's not even a bad thing.)

Then my phone rings.

And by "rings" I mean "vibrates."

It's the car dealership. My car is...not ready? They need to replace the battery? 300 bucks? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

I gotta call them back.

Blogging over.

I mean, creative observations.

Over.

-KV

ps. As I pack my things, the guy in the blue shirt is watching Susan Boyle's performance of "I Dreamed a Dream" on his laptop. How do I know this if he is facing me? Because I can hear it blasting out of his computer speakers, and his eyes are a little misty.

Seriously.

Tiger Woods's Ten Best Pick-Up LInes

Klaus Varley

The jokes are arriving a little late, as the media - and everyone we know - are slowly diverting their attention away from Woods to petty updates about the health care bill and global warming. Oh well, cant' say we didn't try. -TLB

10. Hi, I'm Tiger Woods.
9. Want to see my driver?
8. By "driver," I mean my "golf driver," not my chauffeur.
7. By "golf driver" I mean my penis.
6. Nice hair. I've never dated a blond before.
5. Can I use five of my billion dollars to buy you a drink?
4. I can make you famous. That is, if you sleep with me and/or save my voice mails and text messages.
3. Did you know Tigers can make love for ten hours at a time? Yes, I did make that up.
2. Fore!...some. Thoughts?
1. Just do me.

-KV

ps. Below is on of the pics of Tiger Woods' wife Elin Nordegren that has guys across the nation doing the "what was he thinking?" scratch of their heads.


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Charles Bukowski Quote on Writing

The main thing about writing is to write, not to talk about writing.

-Charles Bukowski, 1985

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions for 2010

Klaus Varley

Yes, it IS early to start making resolutions for next year, but guess what? That's all part of the plan. See my Facebook status:

"KV is getting a jump on his new year's resolutions because he thinks that was one of last year's resolutions, but isn't sure because he didn't write them down...speaking of which, the first new resolution just came to him."

Clever? Boy, I'd like to think so. I'm still waiting for a comment, though, or at least a thumbs up. C'mon thumbs up(s)! Why are my friends not on Facebook at 1am? What do I have 300 friends for anyway?

While we're waiting, let's make some resolutions for next year, and make that status update come true.

To get some ideas, I looked up common New Year's resolutions, which seem to more or less follow this pattern:

1. Stop smoking
2. Get Fit
3. Lose Weight
4. Enjoy Life More
5. Quit Drinking
6. Get Organized
7. Learn Something New
8. Get Out of Debt
9. Spend more time with the Family
10. Help Others

Boring! Get organized? Learn something? C'mon! And repetitive! Numbers 1, 2, 3, and 5 are all about diet and exercise. Sheesh. We can do better than that.

Klaus Varley's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

1. Write down resolutions or post them online (check).
2. Learn Chinese. (Or at least 10 Chinese words a week. That's 500 words a year!)
3. Beat Parker in a triathlon and win a Wii off his slow, trash-talking face.
4. Write a page a day on that freakin' book I started this year, you know that one, oh you don't? Check it out.
5. Read a book of fiction every month. Plan in advance. Carry that damn book with you. January is Dune. ("You haven't read Dune, Klaus?" That's why I'm reading a book a month, so I won't have to answer questions like "You haven't read --title of book everyone but me has read--?")
6. Listen to 30 minutes of Spanish every day. Speak a little.
7. Time your internet usage. Stay away from YouTube. It is the devil.
8. Stop using cliches in your writing.
9. Jump the shark.
10. Make 2011's resolutions in November.

So those are not completely unlike the popular resolutions, and a few of them deal with "learning something new," but at least they're more specific.

And if I've learned anything from past resolutions, it's that being specific - and not talking around things - is the most important part. Otherwise, such declarations that may have significance in the early part of the year, may or may not retain that significance as we move through certain, unspecified months.

Seriously.

-KV

Recent Keywords that landed people on The Brothel (Hello!)

TLB

Even though they're more like key "phrases" than key "words," the following are the top ten in the past month.

1. Quotes from Glee Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch) is single-handedly keeping our site alive.

2. Gayest Sports Well, we ARE in football season. (Zing!)

3. Vodka Taste Test 2008 [Snaps fingers] We need to send out invites for the Great Tequila Taste Test of 2009. Thanks for the reminder.

4. Best Bukowski Quotes The Brothel used to thrive on Bukowski quotes. Now? It's all about WHGR. (What hath Glee wrought?)

5. Film Review Submission Yes, we accept movies for review. Shoot us an email then shoot us your movie. Then DON'T shoot when we give it a negative review.

6. Youtube Names If you can't devise your own YouTube name, well, perhaps the "you" in YouTube is not referring to you.

7. Best Youtube Names What's with all the YouTube name interest? Oh that's right, you need an account to watch Sarah Palin mashups and name-call in the comment section.

8. Petco Controversy If there's ever a REAL controversy at Petco, our site is gonna be huge.

9. Brothel Names They usually have "massage" in the name.

10. Brothel Tube We don't even want to know.

-TLB

Catching up to (with?) Lady Gaga

Like arriving at a baseball game in the fourth inning, we here at The Brothel are a little late in discovering the phenomenon known as "Lady Gaga."

After five minutes on YouTube and Wikipedia, we're all caught up. Sure, we don't have all the details of her life memorized - such as her real name (it's LONG) - but hey, we also don't know Bob Dylan's real name, and we've been listening to his stuff for years. Speaking of which, that's actually kind of shameful that I don't know his name...

[Right now I'm definitely NOT looking up Bob Dylan..Oh yeah, Robert Zimmerman!]

Back to Gaga. It turns out we've missed the (artistic) birth of the next serious contender for Madonna's throne. She's been writing song for years, did the New York club scene, and seems pretty down to earth in the recent interview on Ellen.

A lot people might look at her crazy outfits and wild videos and think she's just another pop star selling sex and style. Sure, she's selling that, but as exemplified by the cover art for her single "Poker Face"(above) she's also not afraid to sacrifice physical recognition for stylistic imagination.

Depending on the clip you see, she might come across as a joker, a freak, a feminist, an artist, a gay-rights activist, and, oh yeah, a musician who writes some catchy music.

From a overly-analytical business perspective, this is a great move. People won't associate Lady Gaga with something stagnant, such as a trademark look (or even the face of a 23-year old), but with IDEAS: the unexpected, mystery, and cutting edge of fashion, style, and music videos.

Too much analysis? Alright, here are some clips to help you catch up with Lady Gaga, whom we have just said, is the next big thing. You heard it here first.

Well, not technically "first," but a year late, then "first."

-TLB

Lady Gaga on Ellen



Her performance of Bad Romance on the same show




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Nine, Up in the Air, and other Awards Movies

Langdon Auger

As an update to the awards season madness, I bring you two new movies. The first is the Rob Marshall directed musical Nine and the other is the Jason Reitman helmed, George Clooney starring Up in the Air.

As a quick aside, I pulled into the theater for Nine and I saw massive crowds and paparazzi. Apparently Brad Pitt and Quentin Tarantino were doing a Q and A session after a special screening of Inglorious Basterds. As jealous as I am that I missed the screening, I was a little shocked at the number of paparazzi who hounded Brad Pitt. This guy can't go anywhere without those guys harassing him and I thought that was pretty sad.

Then I remembered he is rich, attractive, talented, successful, and sleeping with Angelina Jolie and I decided, screw him.

Nine is a musical remake of the Fellini film 8 ½, a trippy mid life crisis film about a director reflecting on his life and the women who shaped it. While I personally consider the original Fellini film too inscrutable and perplexing, many consider it a masterpiece and it should definitely be on everyone's Netflix queue (it's available for streaming video, so it doesn't even need to take up one of your mailing positions).

Everything about this musical suggests it is good. The director did the previous Best Picture winner Chicago. The cast consists of Daniel Day Lewis, Judy Dench, Penelope Cruz, and the ever beautiful Sophia Loren. On a less enthusiastic note, it also stars Nicole Kidman Kate Hudson, Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas, and everyone's favorite conspiracy theorist, Marion Cotillard. That is seven acting Oscars between them, and several more nominations.

But fantastic sets, direction, and a cast to die for can't make up for a lackluster source material. The Tony award winning musical simply isn't that good. I judge musicals based on how long I wait before buying the soundtrack. With Dream Girls, the first thing I did on leaving the theater was find a Target before it closed and buy the soundtrack. I don't feel like Nine has any songs that I want to hum on my way home. But this movie is definitely justified with Penelope Cruz's sex kitten dance. God damn, that's all I have to say. Of course, this film does have the Weinsteins behind it so I can guarantee nominations for Best Picture, Director, Actor for Daniel Day Lewis, Supporting Actress for Penelope Cruz, and all the technical awards no one cares about.

Up in the Air is a fun dramatic comedy from the Director of Juno. My uncontrollable man crush on George Clooney pretty much means I was going to enjoy this movie no matter what. But it is a great movie, dealing with the isolation of modern society, massive economic layoffs, and the quest for more frequent flyer miles. I guess it stars some broad from Twilight, but I won't hold that against the movie. (She was pretty good anyway.) The film has a clever script about the bachelor George Clooney starting to realize he wants more out of his life than he gets as a corporate flyer. It tends to veer into a conventional story line by the end, but I think the film should be a big awards contender. I'm predicting Oscar noms for Best Picture, Director, Actor for Clooney, and an Oscar win for screenplay as a sort of reward for the impressive early career of Jason Reitman.

Overall it has been a weak year for movies. These are all the films made immediately after the writers' strike so that's why so many movies have crap scripts that feel rushed and not fully thought out (I'm looking at you Wolverine and Star Trek). I've heard mixed reviews about The Lovely Bones and I don't think Avatar will be a serious contender for Best Picture, so I am officially calling it right now. Mark my words, Precious will be Best Picture, Best Director for Lee Daniels (this would be the first African American Best Director winner, by the way), Best Supporting Actress for Mo'Nique, and possibly Best Actress for newcomer Gabourey Sibide. You can take that to Las Vegas and bet on it.

-LA

Ten Thanksgiving Things to be Thankful For

Klaus Varley

10. Turkey

9. Indians

8. I mean, Pilgrims
7. I also mean "turkey" the animal not "Turkey" the country
6. Stuffing
5. Biscuits
4. Prime Rib
3. Family, loved ones, blah blah blah
2. After dinner Rock Band that includes singing "So Lonely" by The Police.
1. Pie

Especially pecan.

Seriously.

-KV

Pre Award Season Round Up

by Langdon Auger

Hello all. It has been a while since I posted, due in part to the pressures of the global economic crisis, the high demand of grad school, and me just not giving a crap.

But as we head into another awards season, I have several movies to bring to your attention. Because of the writers strike two years ago, we are now suffering through the release of all the films with substandard scripts (Star Trek, Terminator, Transformers, and Wolverine). The same goes for awards movies this year. A good suggestion for those of you with precious few dollars to spend watching artsy films, pay attention to more indie small films as the studio offerings a largely crap this go around.

A Serious Man

The Coen brothers bring us this head scratcher of a film mainly as a way to stick it to their loyal fans who make them a success. This film seems way too interested in presenting complex moral and psychological questions but not letting the audience get any real answers. The entire thing seems to be a joke where the audience is the butt of the joke. But it's pretty good, darkly funny, and another Coen brother's movie which warrants many re-watchings.

Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire

Precious is a story about an overweight, abused, illiterate, pregnant teenager living in New York during the 1980s. This is a story compiled from several different stories Sapphire heard while working as a social worker, so think of it as "God's greatest hits: Screwing Over the Little People." This is a phenomenal film which attracted the attention of Oprah Winfrey and Tyler Perry and has amazing performances from newcomer Gabourey Sibide and ( I kid you not) Mo'nique, Mariah Carey, and Lenny Kravitz. This is a must see movie, the breakout film of the year. It feels a little bit like "Dangerous Minds" and every other teacher-inner city youth formula movie, but there is a high degree of hopelessness that keeps it from being too schmaltzy.

The Road

Delayed over a year for no conceivable reason, this is a depressing post apocalyptic film with Viggo Mortensen that deals with issues of humanity and survival. And Cannibalism, lots of Cannibalism. This is an interesting movie with a killer music score that underlines the depressing nature of the film. The film loses points because at the directors' Q and A John Hillcoat mentioned he cut a scene with a baby roasting on a spit. He could have cut everything else and just put that scene in the movie, I would have paid to see it. Cormac McCarthy wrote the book on which the film is based, so this could be a big awards contender though it might be too bleak to get wide recognition.

A Single Man

I had no idea what this movie was about when I saw it. I knew there was a gay guy in the 60s and he is doing something. But anyway, it turns out to be a ponderous drama where Colin Firth deals with the death of his partner. First time director/ Fashion designer Tom Ford directs a visually arresting film that deals with the meaning of life and the importance of living in the moment. This film is virtually guaranteed to get a Best Actor nomination, but I don't know how well the film will be received for other awards. Also, I confess to never having been a fan of Julianne Moore.

Invictus

Clint Eastwood continues his stellar directing career with this film. It is basically The Mighty Ducks, except that instead of hockey it is rugby. And instead of Emilio Estevez reconnecting with his dad, it's a country trying to pull itself back from the brink of a horrible system of racist segregation and violence. But otherwise, its exactly the same. Still, the rugby games are exciting for someone who knows nothing about the sport, and Morgan Freeman manages to be a convincing Nelson Mandela. And Matt Damon is always fun in his movies. I don't know how much of a chance this movie has for awards, but with ten best picture nominees this year it stands a decent chance, while Morgan Freeman might get some attention (I doubt it though).

Coming soon: Oscar Predictions. Yes, it's early.

-LA

Where are the posts from Nov. 17th and 19th?

They were there

Didn't you see?

Well, no need to look for them

Just trust.

Seriously

There's nothing to see

here.

New postings coming soon.

Every Tuesday and Thursday

Including Turkey Day.

Well, maybe not

Turkey Day.

That's for the Turkeys.

(Or is it? Check back and see.)

-TLB

Klaus in Taiwan - The Flight, Part II

Klaus Varley

For Part I, see the post that came before this one. Or click here.

Please Note: You might think that since this is the second part of the post on the flight, it would be about the flight back. You would be wrong. The flight TO Taiwan took 14 hours. That warrants two posts, don't you think?

Also Please Note: It actually doesn't matter what you answer to the previous question. Here's another post about the flight to Taiwan.

--The Flight Part II--

4am - Woke up from my night's sleep a.k.a. 2.5 hour nap.

4:30am - Opened eyes.

5am - Realized it was actually 8pm.

8:01 pm - Asked L if she knew it was actually 8pm. Turns out she knew.

8:35 pm - Pong.

9:35 pm - Beverage.

10:00 pm - Bathroom.

10:34 pm - Returned to seat.

10:45 pm - Realized there was only an hour left of the flight. Decided to do some reading.

10:46 pm - One more game of Pong.

10:58 pm - Reading.

11:30 pm - Lights of Taiwan show up in window. Reading ends. Glad I brought TWO books.

11:55 pm - Arrive in Taiwan! Plan the lie to get through Customs. "No, I did NOT know my passport shouldn't expire for at least six month." Can say it well in English, but sucks in Chinese.

Next up: Customs!

Seriously.

-KV

Klaus in Taiwain - The Flight

Klaus Varley

What the hell do you do on a 14 hour flight? That's what I wanted to know. And now I DO know. And so will you, if you continue reading.

We left in the afternoon. By "we" I mean "L" and me.

4:50 - Miracle of propelling a multi-ton metal box containing hundreds of people into the air achieved....ie: plane takes off, no one appreciates miracle. Feel a little like Jesus surrounded by disbelievers.

5:30 - L wants to start Year One simultaneously so we laugh at the same time. I anticipate problems with this, but go along.

6:30 - The problems have set in: Year One sucks. Now bored, I nearly turn the movie off. L is more patient. We will watch until the end.

6:59 - Movie paused. :)

7:00 - Food served by ultra-thin, Chinese stewardess in a lime green uniform.

7:01 - Movie resumed. :(

7:15 - Year One ends! Consider joke relating the length of the movie to the title. Save it for the blog.

8:15 - Trays cleared by fast moving Chinese stewardess in lime green uniform.

8:20 - Strange video games discovered on seat screen-console. Connect-4 seems to go by another name. Pong remains the same.

9:30 - Lights out. Only A-holes remain up with their personal lights or TV screens blaring in the eyes of other people. Or at least, that's what the looks of other passengers seem to say.

10:00 - Alright, alright, I'll turn my screen off.

10:02 - Turn screen off and attempt to sleep. Pong sucks anyway.

10:03 - Realize I have to go to the bathroom. Woman in the aisle sleep looks asleep - but is anyone REALLY asleep?

10:20 - Yep, she is.

10:25 - Try to sleep.

1:00 - Notice the woman shuffle. An eye opens. Caught! I'm up.

1:05 - Waiting for bathroom next to a draped off room where a group of Chinese, lime green stewardesses have congregated.

1:08 - Realize they're called "flight attendants," not "stewardesses."

1:09 - Realize I should probably start thinking about what people and things are called in Chinese.

1:10 - Older woman joins me waiting for the bathroom.

1:12 - Realize I don't know how to say, "bathroom" in Chinese.

1:15 - Bathroom opens up. I let the older woman go before me, much to her amazement...and mine.

1:16 - I go to another bathroom. Apparently I chose the only bathroom with a line.

1:20 - Back to seat to attempt to sleep.

1:30 - Drifting into unconsciously, I realize we've been flying over the Pacific Ocean for 9 hours and wonder what they would have thought about this 150 years ago.

1:31 - Fall asleep thinking about time machines.

...

Tune in Thursday for the exciting conclusion of "Klaus in Taiwan - The Flight!" I promise big surprises.


Seriously.

-KV

Jet Lag is Crazy

Which is why the only post today will be this one, telling you how crazy jet lag is.

Tune in next week for posts about Taiwan. Yes, with pictures! (Or video? Check back Tuesday and see!)

-KV

Sure, it's really Tuesday

Reader comments to the contrary, this post really is on time...it really is Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009. We would never fail to update on a regular basis.

Alright, back to Taiwan stuff. Because we're still in Taiwan doing Taiwanese things.

Seriously.

-KV

Klaus Varley in Taiwan, Day 1

Klaus Varley

If you didn't know before you read the title to this blog, I am in Taiwan. I'll be writing about it and posting pictures, and hopefully it'll be very funny and only slightly racist, and not the other way around.

If this blog ends after this sentence, it means I haven't figured out how to get online, or I DID figure out how to get online, but got lost amidst the confusion and jet lag and forgot to post. (In other words, I'm not really in Taiwan while I'm writing these words, but by the time you read this I will be.)*




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* Parentheticals do not count as additional sentences. Nor do starred footnotes.

Conversation between the pilots of Northwest Airlines Flt 188

Klaus Varley

On October 21st, 2009, on a routine flight from San Diego to Minneapolis, Captain Timothy Cheney (53) and First Officer Richard Cole (54) were out of touch with air traffic controllers for 78 minutes and overflew their destination by 150 miles.

It was discovered the two men were distracted by their laptop computers.

We at The Literary Brothel already knew this, however, as one of our members overheard the conversation between the pilots while waiting in line for the restrooms at the front of the plane. This is what was heard:

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Captain Timothy Cheney (CTC): Are you ready to be my white tiger?
First Officer Richard Cole (FORC): Ready.
CTC: Powered up?
FORC: I'm trying.
CTC: What do you mean, trying?
FORC: It won't let me pick up the thing. I'm clicking and it's not picking up.

[Rampant clicking is heard. Then an odd BRRRRINGG!]

FORC: Got it.
CTC: Did you hear that?
FORC: This game has great effects.
CTC: I know. I've never heard that one before.
FORC: They're always surprising you with new sounds.
CTC: Badass.

[Computer noises of some sort that could be warnings from air traffic controllers, or could be part of a sweet video game.]

FORC: I want to explore the forest.
CTC: Hold on there, Fork, you just advanced to level twelve.
FORC: I told you never to call me that.
CTC: Get over it.
FORC: So what about the forest?
CTC: Forget about it, Fork, you're not ready.
FORC: That's it!

[Typing sounds.]

FORC: Rawwrrrrrr!

[Furious clicking of the like that have seldom been heard before.]

CTC: What the hell, dude?
FORC: Rawr.
CTC: Did you just attack me?
FORC: Rawr.
CTC: Alright, stop saying that.
FORC: What are you going to do?
CTC: This!

[The unmistakable sound of a dramatic pressing of a button.]

FORC: Noooooo! Nooooooo!
CTC: Muhahahahahaha.

[In the background, an odd beep and what sounds like the voice of a radio transmission asking for verification of coordinates or something. It is quickly drowned out by...]

FORC: Noooooooooooooooo!
CTC: Rawr.
FORC: I built that character up for six months!
CTC: When you play with the bull, you get the horns.
FORC: I'll give you the horns.

[Silence]

CTC: What does that mean?
FORC: Beats me. Another quest?
CTC: Let's do i--Wait. What time were we suppose to get to Minneapolis?
FORC: Oh shit.

-TLB

On the Comments on "Medical marijuana is an insult to our intelligence" by Charles Lane of the Washington Post

by Charlie Luzon

It may be helpful to read this short op-ed piece by Washington Post opinion writer Charles Lane before reading on. Or not. Whatever. -KV

When Charles Lane decided to write a short column on how the majority of medical marijuana recipients are not people with chronic pain or illness, but just ordinary folks who want to smoke weed, he should have stuck to the facts.

Because he's right - people ARE taking advantage of the system. And yes, we should have an open debate on legalizing marijuana instead of the strange "sorta-legal" system we have today in states like California.

Instead, Lane just did what one might do in an opinion piece - he gave his opinion. But because it was in the Washington Post (online), you'd have expected him to do a little research. I mean, at least a LITTLE.

Lane admits he's "unsure" about marijuana legalization, musing how it's likely a "gateway drug." Gateway drug? I haven't heard that argument since my days in DARE (and since I realized that by definition, alcohol and tobacco lead the charge). The author also refers to marijuana sold in dispensaries as "snake oil" since it is not regulated by the FDA. Chinese and Eastern medicine advocates everywhere blinked.

How did readers react to such declarations? Were they 50/50, for and against the piece? Let's just say, "no." No they were not.

Also, Lane probably did not know that the web and the bong go hand in hand. Posted on Tuesday, Lane's piece has more comments than anything he's written this year. The ratio? Out of the first twenty (did you think I was going to go through all the comments?) 1 supported his argument, 1 was neutral, and 18 were against. Ardently against.

That's what you get when you take a shot in the dark, and in the dark is giant monster that doesn't like to be shot.*

Some choice comments:


"When alcohol and tobacco have legal status, the stench of hypocrisy that emanates from the likes of you complaining about "Medical Marijuana" being an insult is unbearable."

-HumanSimpleton

"Every time I read ignorant crap like this posting, it makes my blood boil. This filth has no place in a paper as famous as the Post for its journalistic integrity."

-cv_collins


"Your self righteous, ignorant musings are causing me direct harm by denying me legal access to a harmless herb."

-gbeckmann9


"Are you a journalist or newspaper jockey? Ironically, it was Hearst's yellow journalism that got us in this mess in the first place, but I am sure an irony is lost on you."

-snowbank


"How are alcohol and tobacco not schedule I drugs when they are highly addictive and have absolutely no medical value?"

-wildmonkey12


"Thanks to the Washington Post, reading has become an insult to my intelligence."

-moharr


There are so many great responses as well as humorous cheap shots, it's hard to know where to end the piece.

I'll just say this: I agree with wildmonkey12.

Don't we always?

Seriously.

-CL


---
* In this case the "monster" is online marijuana advocates.

The Literary Brothel vs Love the Cock

I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend who heard it from another you've been messin' around.

-REO Speedwagon

Though we have about 5 followers on Twitter, one of them is @ShannonAlbert* (you may recall Shannon from this post**) who recently informed us that Jeff Lundquist or whomever bought www.TheLiteraryBrothel.com linked it to a porn site for a brief period of time.***

I was confused by this, as now the www.theliterarybrothel.com goes straight to GoDaddy.com. Today, however, while running our weekly (not really) Google search for "literary brothel" the first result was a bit surprising: www.lovethecock.com

Love the Cock
www.lovethecock.com

Could this be a site for poultry lovers and foodies? Um, no. As porn sites do, "Love the Cock" quickly dispels all mystery with bare description:

"FREE GAY PORN MOVIES & GAY SEX VIDEOS XXX TUBE"

First of all, we had no idea there was an XTube AND a double-X Tube LET ALONE a triple-X Tube. Vin Diesel should be proud.

Second, why would a search for "literary brothel" lead visitors to a gay porn site? The only reason we can come up with is that Jeff Lundquist or someone at National Contact Registry linked us to it. Perhaps they were upset that the third result in a search for "National Contact Registry" finds our subtly titled piece: National Contact Registry Can Suck It.

Or maybe it was an accident?

Maybe we'll never now.

Meanwhile, when Googling "literary brothel," avoid clicking that "I'm feeling lucky" button.

Unless you're ready to see a lot of cock.

Seriously.

-KV

---

* Names on Twitter are written with an @ sign before them. This causes mass confusion at first, followed quickly by mass boredom.

** The National Contact Registry is the group who bought the domain www.theliterarybrothel.com when we failed to immediatly renue it, and then illegally continued to post material published material from our site. If you clicked the link up there, then these words you're reading probably seem quite repetitious.

*** Sorry about all the links. And the stars.

A letter to the neighbors moving in that I didn't give to them, instead rewriting it to make it "nice."

To Our New Neighbors Below Us:

Thank you for your note last month alerting us of the ongoing construction on your unit. It was very polite and cordial. And quiet. The letter was, I mean.

For the most part, the construction noise has been reasonable, intermittently scaring the crap out of our me and our cat eight hours during the day. But those are business hours, so, whatever.

Today, however, the pounding began at 7am. Because the GRRRAZZZZHTTHHHHZZZ and HHEEPPPECKCKKKKKKKACCKKKKK is directly below our apartment, it is impossible to block out the noise. (You may have though I was joking about how the noise scares me and the cat. Now you know I was not.)

Is there any chance that future work on your place could begin later in the morning? That would be greatly appreciated and super conducive to a neighborly atmosphere.

Warmest Welcome,

-Charlie Luzon

P.S. The letter can also be summed up in the following poem:

When you move in
I can stomp
and you'll hear it
So tell your construction people
to chill.
As Klaus says,
seriously...

In the News

Klaus Varley

It's not as if it's late on a Tuesday night and we promised to update every Tuesday and Thursday so we're pulling the headlines from Google News and making jokes about them. No, it's not like that at all. -KV

GOP's Snowe shaped health bill before backing it Allegedly, Snowe folded the papers into a swan, trying out the origami recently learned from a YouTube video.

U.K. to Add Troops in Afghanistan In other news, U.K. to subtract troops from Buckingham Palace after realizing muskets and high stepping is really more of a distraction than protection.

Nobel panel defends decision to award peace prize to Obama The panel also wonders if you know who Martti Ahtisaari is. If not, shut the hell up about the damn prize.

Health Insurers Emerge as Obama's Top Foe Just edging out Bowser, who might be waiting in the next castle even though Obama already knocked him into the lava.

Michelle Obama Offers More Healthy Food Tips With this headline, Michelle Obama has now appeared in the news 183 more times than Laura Bush did her eight years in the same position. (What did Laura Bush ever promote?)

UCLA student charged with attempted murder in attack The bad joke around campus: "Biology is a tough major, but Chemistry is cutthroat."

A Historic Success In Military Recruiting This came as no surprise to the armed forces. The secret? Plant the seed early. Recruiters spotted handed out "Happy Deals" to unsuspecting kindergarteners who thought they were playing a fun contract game.

Why Rush Limbaugh Belongs In The NFL He can do the 40 in 4.4 when running the pharmacy to get more Oxycontin. And I hear he loves black people. LOVES them.


Seriously.

-KV

Best (Worst?) YouTube Names

Klaus Varley

The names below are culled from the comments section of the YouTube video, "Glenn Beck DESTROYS Richard Blumenthal, " which, after searching "Glenn Beck" on YouTube, was the first pro-Beck video to come up. The first seven or eight did not paint Beck in such a glowing light, and the commenter names weren't nearly as humorous.*

What's in a name? Everything. Okay, not "everything," but names say a little something about your personality - especially if you chose it yourself. Below are a collection of YouTube monikers followed by an educated guess about the character of the person behind the letters. -KV

---

nowhiteguilthere - Native American shaman.

FatLibertarian - Likes meat.

demdouches - Did not wait in line to see Capitalism: A Love Story

ilovethiscountry1 - Brazilian beach volleyball referee.

TheTruthHurts9999 - Has good teeth.

MissingGWdotcom - Didn't miss Bush when he was on vacation 42% of his time in office during the eight months leading up to 9/11.

TheLiberalssuckdick - Loves an old fashioned mix of conservatism and homophobia.

northernpatriot54 - Proud to be a Canadian.

mssedmebich - Good at dodging spelling classes.

anticheese - Lactose intolerant.

GreatSatan1 - Great at evil, bad at disguising motives.

chancellordumbfuck - A fan of contradictions.

tasha19862005 - Likes numbers.

punishobama - Into S&M.

chocolatefuckingmilk - Peter Pan.


-TLB

---
* Star.

New Posts that aren't Quotes - Coming Soon

Klaus Varley...has a lot in the works.

Charlie Luzon...may have something in the near future.

Langdon...is watching movies. He will probably have something soon.

Parker...is playing RockBand.

We update every Tuesday and Thursday.

Check back to see if we were lying...

-TLB

Quote on the Health Care Debate

"I feel like I'm debating a pyromaniac in a straw-man factory."

-Representative Anthony Weiner (D - NY)

...

Quotes from Glee

Though it's a pretty blatant ripoff of Election, and our enthusiasm for the new Fox comedy Glee has faded a bit since the first two episodes due to a decision to apparently make it a show about high school pregnancy and coming out stories, there's still some choice lines in the show. Here a few of them, probably incorrect since we're doing this from memory, but hey, we're not going to watch the whole darn episode again just to get it right...or are we? -TLB

"Who's Josh Groban? Kill yourself."

"I've got a phoner. That's an interview. I think I'm going to take it on my iPhone."

"And this room is where our daughter or gay son will sleep."

"He (Josh Groban) is an angel sent from heaven to deliver platinum records onto us."

"Why do you think it's my fault?"
"I don't see anyone else around here holding a plate of 'I'm sorry' cookies, do you?"

"I'm a good guy: I'll put up with your crazy, I'm a minority - so they can never fire me. That's about as good as it gets around here."

"All this place needs is twelve bodies under the floorboards covered in lye."

"I bust the windows out yo car."

"If you liked it you should've put a ring on it." (See, there are songs in the show...)

"I want to take over the Glee club"
"Do you want to captain the Titanic too?"

"I'm not homophobic. I have two gay dads."

---

Just watch the darn show already. It's on Hulu. No excuses.

-TLB

The 10 Gayest Sports

In preparation for writing a random armchair theory piece about how hetero guys get their "gay out" by watching or participating in certain sports, here's our list of the ten gayest sports we could think of. -TLB

The 10 Gayest Sports (in no particular order of gayness)

1. Football
2. Wrestling (all kinds, except co-ed)
3. Water Polo
4. Bodybuilding
5. Rugby
6. Basketball
7. Soccer
8. Bobsledding
9. Grappling (see "Wrestling")
10. Arm Wrestling (see "Wrestling" but minus all parts of the body except for the arm)

An explanation to come. For now, discuss!

(Note: the word is "discuss," not "discus." "Discus" is definitely not gay. What's gay about throwing a disc?)


-KV

ps. The phrase "not that there's anything wrong with it" has been conspicuously omitted from the piece, due to its overuse in society since its airing on that Seinfeld show. However, consider it there in spirit, after anything you might consider remotely homophobic.

Ten Ways to Lose Weight

Charlie Luzon

We know what you're thinking: "It's not Thursday, yet this post is dated Thursday." Really? It's not Thursday? Prove it. -TLB

Recently I've shed a few pounds by changing my diet and some things in my lifestyle. Though I'm not exactly sure which combination of things led to the weight loss, here are ten possible reasons - in the the form of instructions - in no particular order.

1. Stop Drinking Soda
2. Take a Spinning Class at least Once a Week
3. Eat Less Meat
4. Park Far From Your Job / Errands
5. Stop Drinking Sobe Energy Drinks (See #1)
6. Eat More Fruit
7. Eat More Vegetables
8. Lift Weights Twice a Week
9. Do Something Called an "Elliptical Machine" Twice a Week
10. Swim

Hope that helps.

-CL

PS. This may seem easy, but many of these things take time and effort and a new appreciation of things like vegetables, fruits, and non-refined sugars. Seriously.

The Erronous Headlines of Google News

by Klaus Varley

Every now and then (and now and now and now) I procrastinate our "real" work by surfing the web and reading news headlines. Most of the time this constitutes heading over to Google News and finding the latest stories.

Because Google News updates so quickly, I imagine news services must regularly rush to release their latest breaking news. And in the rush comes some errors. Here are some we've collected here at The Brothel over, well, as you can see by the headlines, we've been doing this a while.

---

"Hearing on Franken absentee case set for Wedsesday"
-Associated Press

"Mile did not win best picture, though Sean Penn got a Best Actor Oscar for his portrayal of the 1970s era gay politician Harvey Milk."
-Associated Content, CO

"ABC News: Heath Ledger Wins Posthumopusly for 'Dark Night'"
-abcnews.go.com

"Will Gmail's outage make me think twice about Edu Apps?" There’sa very short answer here: No. Not for a second.
-ZDNet

"Star salsa dance teacer arrested in sexual assaults."
-Los Angeles Times

Obam Delivers Health-Care Speech at U-Md. Campus
Washington Post - Anne E. Kornblut - ‎16 minutes ago‎

Abdul channels degeneres at 'Divas Live'
-msnbc.com

---

Who the hell's Obam and why does he get to deliver health care speeches?

Seriously.

-TLB

The Best Bukowski Quotes

are here on The Literary Brothel.

I'm not sure why.

Oh yeah, because we're fans.

Here's the page you can see them all: Bukowski Quotes on The Literary Brothel

You're welcome, Bukowski fans.

And check back for more.

Seriously.

-TLB

Accepting Film Submissions for Review

Klaus Varley

As you may have guessed from the numerous entries by Langdon Auger (and a few from yours truly) here at The Brothel we have been known to a film review or two.

We realize, however, reviewing mainstream films does little to help the struggling filmmaker who cannot find distribution for their small indie flick.

So if you're one of these filmmakers, and you'd like your movie reviewed on a site that gets a decent amount of hits, send us you're movie. Either Langdon or I will take a look at it and review it on the site.

However (and this is the last "however" for today), we only give honest opinions. Sometimes we exaggerate for comedic effect, but that exaggeration is honest. Seriously.

How can you send your film? Email us, and we'll give you an address where you can mail the DVD.

Unless it's online, then just email us the link! (literarybrothel@gmail.com)

Lastly, no porn please, name of the site to the contrary. I know what the site is called.

Seriously.

-KV

ps. If you have any friends who are filmmakers, or maybe you work at a festival, or are in film school...this applies to you as well. Send whatever ya got!

Thoughts on District 9

Langdon Auger

Broken into five thoughts, for easy reading consumption. -TLB

1. How is it that Transformers 2 cost 200 million dollars to make, and yet District 9 had better special effects? I believe this is the law of diminishing returns. Now the more we spend on special effects the less difference it makes. We are starting to get to the point where special effects can't get much better and become truly pointless. There is no reason to render Optimus Prime in such detail. We don't need every gear and lugnut in painstaking IMAX. This is why District 9 could rock ass for 30 million dollars and still be believable.

2. How amazing is it that we have a small movie with no stars, no Americans, heavy accents, and a solid R Rating that comes along and rescues the summer movie season? And what's interesting is that the film doesn't really explain everything in painstaking detail like you would expect from a Hollywood movie. It doesn't really explain why the aliens are there because its not important to the story of the film. On the one hand that bothers me because I want back story, while on the other it impresses me that they would leave so much to the imagination.

3. Sharlto Copley is a fantastic actor. He runs the gamut in this film from dweebish bureaucrat to action star and it is pretty believable. How do they find so much talent in somebody who has never acted before?

4. I truly hope that this movie becomes a science-fiction Easy Rider. For those of you who don't know, Easy Rider was a kind of dopey counter culture film from the 60s that was made on the cheap and became immensely successful. It turned Hollywood towards smaller productions and more individualized projects shepherded by interesting directors. It might be too early to tell but I hope the execs start to realize that they can get interesting science fiction movies made for cheap and that they don't have to shovel Transformers size budgets at the problem. With the reduced budgets can come more daring movies, more R ratings, interesting directors, and less pressure on opening weekend box offices.

5. Well, I can dream can't I?

-LA

Jeff Lundquist Minneapolis Real Estate

by TLB

Remember how someone snatched up our domain name and is now illegally publishing the content of The Literary Brothel?

What are we talking about? And you call yourself a web surfer. You don't remember the classic Brothel pieces National Contact Registry can Suck It or National Contact Registry is Illegally Publishing our Content? Okay, we thought so. Now let's move on.

Apparently the person who is illegally publishing The Literary Brothel is Jeff Lundquist of Minneapolis Real Estate. (Please save all Minnesota jokes until the end.) That means unless we hear otherwise, he's on our "naughty" list.

Now, I know what you're thinking, "Why would a real estate agent in Minneapolis of all god-for-saken places buy up domain names and illegally publish their content?" First, I said save the Minnesota bashing until the end. Second, it doesn't make much sense to us either. Why would a real estate agent in Minnesota of all places want to break countless copyright infringement laws by publishing article after past article of The Literary Brothel?

Beats us. Maybe it's not Jeff Lundquist. Maybe we have the wrong man. Maybe he can still make our "nice" list in time for Christmas. Seeing as we haven't done anything that could be considered "research," we might be jumping to conclusions.

However, we recently got a message from "Shannon" alerting us to her newly created site, National Contact Registry Stole My Site. On it, you'll see links to testimony from a number of people who have all fallen victim to National Contact Registry's nefarious deeds, and they name Jeff Lundquist as the culprit. So for now, he's the man.

Although I have to say, our testimony is TAME compared to the rest. One guy had heart trouble, went in the hospital, let his domain expire, and still couldn't get it back from National Contact Registry. Guess they'd heard one too many, "I had heart failure and accidentally let my domain expire" stories.

Really, people are pissed about this. One guy posted daily updates on his new blog counting the days since National Contact Registry stole his domain. That's persistance.

Apparently it upsets bloggers when you steal their work and publish it without their permission. But now we're banding together. Shannon has done the right thing in creating her website in hopes that this might turn into a nice, civil, class-action lawsuit.

Unless of course, she lets the domain expire and it's bought by National Contact Registry.

Seriously.

-TLB

Is it Tuesday Already?

A poem by Klaus Varley

These days

we update The Brothel on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Today

I totally forgot it was Tuesday

because of the holiday

weekend.

But then

I remembered:

bad poems

count as posts

and are easy

to write.

The only danger

is

they leave the reader

feeling somewhat

unsatisfied

even when

you throw in

an apology

at the end.

And so

I'm not going to

do that.

Seriously.

-KV

Long Live Curb Your Enthusiasm

Langdon Auger

Here you go Brothel readers, a lazy post that involves quoting someone else. -Langdon

Not sure where he got this. Langdon has his ways. -TLB

Larry David on the possiblity of another season of Curb Your Enthusiasm...

Larry David: "There is a good possibility i could do another season. And if not, I'll find something else to do. I would like to meet a woman who likes me at the same time I like her. But I realize that's impossible. And against Nature."

Obnoxious Entertainment Weekly reporter who is still paying off his student loans from a college where he dreamed of being a relevant journalist serving his nation with important stories, so sad, such a failure, god I hate this magazine: "But Larry, you've pulled off the Seinfeld reunion miracle--isn't anything possible?"

LD: "No. Nobody can pull that off. They like you and you like them? And you're having sex? That's not happening."

-LA

Top 10 Things that Seem like Bugs When You're up at 3am (and maybe a little paranoid)

Klaus Varley

If you doubt this was written at 3am, please reread. -TLB

10. Freckles
9. Shadows
8. Bugs
7. Cats (when they rub lightly against your leg and you're not expecting it)
6. Frayed material on the bill of my hat
5. Spots on fruit.
4. Anything you can imagine.
3. Such as baby spiders in my hair
2. Ahhhhhhh! Baby spiders in my hair!
1. Periods (also, ellipsis)

You have been warned.

-KV

My Internet Ritual

My Internet Ritual
Klaus Varley

If you're reading this, you're probably wondering, "Why did Google take me here when I specifically searched for "LA Asian Fetish Brothel?"

The answer: Google works in mysterious ways.

The answer is also: Welcome to The Literary Brothel! Since you're obviously an experienced internet surfer, I wanted to share with you a (virtual) wave of my own.

Below I've taken you step-by-step - including links - through a recent round of surfing by yours truly, Klaus Varley.

Who is Klaus Varley and why should you care which sites he visits? Let's table that question for now, at least until you've finished reading the next section.

A Quick Ride Though Klaus Varley's Internet Ritual

First, we go to Google, but instead of looking for anything particular (such as "LA Asian Fetish Brothels," as an example), we click the News link at the top that takes us to Google News.

After skimming the headlines, and clicking on an article about the falling cost of the Xbox 360, we feel thoroughly informed about all news around the world and move on. That was two minutes well spent.

Next we hit up The Literary Brothel, yes, this site. Any new comments? No? WE HATE ALL OUR READERS!

Just kidding. We scroll down to the "Friends of the Literary Brothel" links on the left side and start clicking. Today we hit up A Lotus Grows in Brooklyn, but alas it's on "vacation" or something. (Isn't vacation the best time to update your blog?) Next it's on to the very literary, often over-our-heads-because-we-don't-read enough The Fiction Advocate. A new post about James Wood? Oh yeah. Cool. I guess. Um. Who is that, again?

Shamed by our intellectual inadequacy, we go to Facebook. Ah, mundane comments and a cool link or two from friends with even more time on their hands than us. We drop a snarky (that's right) comment on a lame picture posted by Parker Briggsmore, and we even update our status: "...saw a houseplant dive to its own death before our very eyes!" It's true.

We start to feel the moral pangs known to all procrastintors, and realize we have to get back to work soon. This wave has almost petered out, but not before we get over to YouTube and catch a couple of new vids from The Young Turks. Oh no!

Now we're angry at Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh, and we go back to Facebook and troll for anyone who repeats the retarded talking points of the right and attack attack attack! and by now we've not only lost time but we've lost our sense of humor, and the only worst possible thing we could do would be to...blog about it.

After I click "Publish Post" we swear we're off to the YMCA for a workout.

Oh, the YMCA - our source for future posts.

Stay tuned.

-KV

---

PS. What's your ritual? Is it lamer than ours? Impossible, sir!

PPS. Is "lamer" a word?

PPPS. Apparently it's a French facial cream. La Mer. Try it.

..
.

Top Ten Secrets About Obama's Health Care Plan

Top Ten Secrets About Obama's Health Care Plan
Klaus Varley

Obama or Democrats or any other socialist you ask about these claims is going to deny them until the cows come home. Even after the cows are home, they'll still deny them. There's a reason they call them secrets. -KV

Under Obama's plan...

10. All blue-eyed children will be forced to wear brown contacts.

9. Spitting on the sidewalk will become a privilege, not a right.

8. Abortions will not only be covered, they'll now be called, "Happy-Fun-Baby-Death."

7. The name of the country will be changed to "The United States of Canafrance."

6. New York Post cartoonists won't be covered.

5. Double-dutch will not be allowed in schools for fear of injury.

4. Our prescription drugs will be replaced with tie-dyed flower hippie peace medicine made in China.

3. Old people will be given a pop quiz. For every wrong answer, the government gets to take a year off their life. The quiz is in Swahili.

2. Babies born in Hawaii will have their birth certificate implanted in their skull.

1. All your base are belong to us.*

Seriously.

-KV


---
*Go HERE for an explantion of AYBABTU. That's some nerd stuff for all the Parker Briggsmores out there. Seriously.
..
.

Naked Nacked Naced?

Necked Nacked Naced?
Klaus Varley

Here are a few of the craziest phrases people searched last week that landed them here on The Brothel. The title will make sense in the end. Promise. -KV

25 random things about me If you don't know these things, a Google search probably won't be much help.

dean cain look alike gay porn Dean Cain is so 1997. Now Gerald Butler on the other hand...

glowing blue dong Combine this with the previous search and you've got a (nuclear) bomb party. [Note how we used the word "bomb" to both make a joke and sound like the kids.]

how to start toothpase business Oh, we wish we knew. And we wish we knew how to spell "toothpase" too.

internet makes you dizzy The best place to find a remedy is, of course, to search for solutions on the internet, or as you call it, "the dizzy machine."

is there a difference between skyy vodka and grey goose vodka Yes. See our vodka taste test.

la asian brothels Where? Where? Wait, we mean, dude, brothel's are illegal.

nacked lady sex with man "Nacked" ladies are our favorite type of ladies.

prestige one of the worst vodkas We don't think so, friend. See our vodka taste test or that link three lines up that leads to the same taste test.

sunshine cleaning spoilers The whole movie is a spoiler - a mood spoiler! Oh, how we laugh at our own clevers.

watchmen naced ladie Is "naked" really that hard to spell?

Apparently so.

Seriously.

-KV

National Contact Registry is Illegally Publishing Our Content

This is an open letter, as they say, to the National Contact Registry, remember them? By the subject, we kinda give away our position, but hey, read on anyway if you're feeling read...y. -KV

Dear National Contact Registry,

It appears you have bought the domain "www.theliterarybrothel.com." We owned that website but months ago. We called it The Literary Brothel.

Now, however, The Literary Brothel is no longer there. It is here. Right here. The place where you are reading these words. Yes, in your computer. Hello!

While you have the right to buy our domain name - though we built the reputation of the site - you do not have the right to publish our content.

In other words, this is a cease and desist order. Take it all down or fear the reaper.

I mean, the consequences.

You have been warned.

Sincerely (or something),
The Literary Brothel

ps. Sure, we could contact you directly, but what fun would that be? Seriously, just take down our content so we don't have to contact you at:
National Contact Registry
3033 Excelsior Blvd
Minneapolis, Minnesota 55416
United States
+1.6129158834

Thx!

Bukowski on Health Food People

"It's true that most health food people are not likeable. They are usually nuts in other ways and are seldom loners or self-contained. I don't like them. But don't let that get you away from the fact that they are right about nutrition. They just make too much of it."

-Charles Bukowski to Al Fogel
February, 1983

Our New Favorite Representative: Anthony Weiner

Since Cynthia McKinney is no longer in the House, we give you...

Our New Favorite Representative: Anthony Weiner
by Klaus Varley

Just when you thought the House of Representatives couldn't be exciting, a congressman out of New York brings the passion and directness we're all looking for from the people whom we elect to represent us.

There are a lot of gems from Weiner, but here's the clip that made us pay attention:



Be sure to check out Weiner's YouTube page, where he even interacts with comments. Congressmen gettin' all 21st century on us. Crazy.

-KV

ps. If you were waiting for something like, "He's the best Weiner since Oscar Mayer" or an equally obvious joke, sorry to disappoint. We're trying to move away from third-grade humor here at The Brothel.

pps. Now if his name were, oh, I don't know, John Ensign, we might give it a shot. Maybe something to the effect of, "Following sex scandal, Ensign loses chance for promotion to Lieutenant." Just a hypothetical.

Seriously.

Elderly Man in China throws Bricks at Cars that Run Red Lights

Elderly Man in China throws Bricks at Cars that Run Red Lights
Klaus Varley

This article was sent to us from our friend Steve, a political activist in Portland.

And by "political activist" in Portland I mean "resident" of Portland. God, I love Portland.

Done reading the article about the Chinese ex-professor who throws bricks at cars that blatently break the law and fly through pedestrian crossings? Good.

After posting the article, Steve said the guy in it - Yan Zheng-ping - is his hero. After reading the piece, I concur. Here's why:

A few years ago I was hit by a car while crossing a small side street along Santa Monica Blvd. I was in the crosswalk, the signal displayed the white "OK to cross" man, and I wasn't talking on the cell phone or listening to headphones. And I STILL got hit.

In case you wondered, the feeling was something like, "They're going to slow down, they're going to slow down/no they're not/JUMP!" But you probably guessed that.

While I walked away from the accident, I did manage to smash the woman's windshield with my shoulder and lose my sandal in a nearby storm drain. (Three days later we fished it out with a clothes hanger. Thank you LA weather for never raining.)

Had I been elderly, I might not have had the intuition to jump and roll off of her car. Had the woman been driving an SUV instead of a small Japanese car, it wouldn't have mattered if I jumped. Or as the nurse in the emergency room said, "You got really lucky." When I explained that I was in a crosswalk, she added, "Most people get hit in crosswalks." That made sense (sort of), as I assume most people cross the street in crosswalks.

The event, the conversation with the nurse, and this article all reinforce my belief that drivers should be extra careful when steering their 2000lb boxes of metal across those "walking" lines. If a car runs a light, or puts you in danger, the fines should be great.

Or you should be allowed to hit their car with a brick.

Seriously.

-KV

John Hughes Left Us Bupkis

Editor's note: While we often agree with Langdon, this time we do not. Perhaps a response piece is forthcoming. Perhaps just editing out some of the negative things he said about The Breakfast Club will suffice. Yes, these pieces are edited. Surprise! -KV

John Hughes Left Us Bupkis
Langdon Auger

Michael Jackson may have molested children, but when he died I was sad. John Hughes died today and I have to say the movie goer is better off.

Let's be clear, there are some high points to his career. Ferris Bueller' Day Off isn't all that bad, and he is responsible for some of the late John Candy's finer work, including Uncle Buck and the undeniably great Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. But then again John Candy was a national treasure (even though he is Canadian I claim him for America.)

But Hughes' other movies are filled with smug crap. Besides dying, the best thing Hughes did was stop directing movies in 1991.

Alright, that may be a little harsh, but let me present the evidence.

Exhibit Ringwald

The Molly Ringwald oeuvre is a trio of obnoxious dramedies that melt the adult intellect into a gray sludge that dribbles out of your ears. And everthing is disaffected. If it's not the disaffected teenage girl pining for the high school jock, it's the disaffected teenage girl pining for the high school rich kid, or the disaffected teenage girl pining for the high school bad boy.

Plus, John Hughes stretched the bounds of Ringwald's acting talents. Seriously.

Lastly, these films - Pretty in Pink, Sixteen Candles, and The Breakfast Club - lack any resonance with teenagers outside a slim, spoiled demographic.

What the hell are you three looking at? Oh don't smile or anything. We all know how tough it is to grow up in a safe, protected, Illinois suburb, free of gangs, drugs, violence, and poverty.

Exibit Breakfast Club

How whiny is The Breakfast Club? "I got a pack of cigarettes for Christmas. My dad puts cigarettes out on me. Somebody call the Wah-mbulance." Everybody has problems, Judd Nelson. Guess what? High school ends in four years. After it you can go get a job in the exciting world of telemarketing or insurance sales.

Exibit Nerd

Why in god's name doesn't the nerdy Anthony Michael Hall ever find any sort of relationships in these movies? Even the weird silent girl with dandruff problems played by Ally Sheedy gets a little action by the end of BC from the future Mighty Ducks coach.

Exhibit Weird Science

At least it's not as bad as Weird Science, wherein Anthony Michael Hall gets a little bit of play from a conjured-genie-electronic-robot-girl thing. And it's not as bad as Curly Sue, an abortive Shirley Temple film starring the multi talented James Belushi. And then there are his post-retirement screen writing credits, including Home Alone, Beethoven, Maid in Manhattan, and Drillbit Taylor.

And even though Ferris is a fun movie, I could personally do without the last half hour where it gets all emotional and introspective. I think it goes south after the art gallery scene where Matthew Broderick bangs what's-her-name. Cameron goes all catatonic because he can't cope with simple human emotions and wrecks his dad's car saying "now he will have to talk to me." I wouldn't mind seeing the deleted scene where Cameron's dad gets hopped up on Old Crow Whiskey and beats Cameron to within an inch of his life. You know Cameron, maybe you could try talking to your father. If he is interested in cars, say this: "hey dad, how is your car?" But no, you're right, it's much better to mope around and passive-aggressively antagonize your father. Because it's not like you're ever going to need to borrow money from him in the future.

Hughes is the man whose movies inspired an entire generation to be ultra-whiny, overly emotional, generally worthless, and have an unearned sense of entitlement.

Thank you for your career, John Hughes. I know right now you are inspiring angels up in heaven to be incredibly petty and narrow minded and revolt over very minor issues that wouldn't bother anyone with a half a brain.

-LA