Transformers: Robot Fall Down Go Boom

Transformers: Robot Fall Down Go Boom
Langdon Auger

I am not necessarily going to rip this movie a new one. Let me explain.

The second Transformers film is a big dumb action movie but I really don't feel it can be called a bad movie, mainly because it is a sequel. For a movie to be truly bad you have to have the expectation of quality.

That is why The Godfather Part III is a worse movie than Deuce Bigalow: European Gigalo. If the first Rob Schneider movie didn't put you off seeing the sequel then you got the movie you deserved. Clearly the last Godfather movie had much higher expectations attached to it and thus is far more disappointing. For a movie to be really bad there has to be an expectation of quality and disappointment in the film's ability to achieve that quality. That's how Rob Schnieder made a better movie than Al Pacin and how Transformers: Robot Fall Down Go Boom in this sense, is a good movie.

If the first movie didn't prepare you for sledge hammer quality special effects and sound design then the fault is yours, not the movie. Both Transformers movies are dopey and have a lot of scenes that don't make sense.

My favorite particular scene is the new one is where the douche Shia Lebouf is telling his parents they have to go to safety so he can run across an exploding field of Decepticons. You guys know this scene, it's in every movie where one guy yells "you have to go" and the other yells "I'm not leaving you." Well, it happens here because Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci are talentless hacks who put the most cliched and garbled crap in their movie scripts (they also did this year's Star Trek, not exactly renowned for its coherent and fully flushed out story).

Alright, so douchebag is yelling at his parents and he finally convinces them to go. He then turns around and mega-hottie Megan Fox tells him she is not leaving without him and he decides to take her along. I guess he just didn't want to have the same argument again, but reversing his "I have to go alone" position was literally the next line of dialogue after making a big scene of getting his parents to safety.

The other dopey scene was where they go to the Smithsonian to get help from an old transformer who is hiding there as a stealth bomber. That's the Smithsonian. The Smithsonian in Washington D.C. a densely urbanized swampland. So explain to me how they break out the back of the Smithsonian and they are suddenly in the desert. I have an idea, why not put in the script a line about going to the "Arizona Air and Space Museum." That explains the desert. This is also the scene where the mini robot humps Megan Fox's leg and then the robot teleports them somehow to Egypt. I don't know why he did that. Or how he did it. It never made sense.

But as dopey as this movie is you can't hate it that much if you even mildly enjoyed the first movie. I don't understand the screamingly negative reviews. Here is my challenge to all the detractors of the film. We can do this in the comments section. Explain your reason for hating the movie, but use this phrase at the start of your sentence: "Unlike the first movie, I disliked this Transformers film because…" Try it out.

"Unlike the first movie I disliked this transformers film because of the negative depiction of African Americans." You know, as opposed to how the first film showed a delicate and nuanced portrayal of black people and the challenges facing them in a white dominated society.

"Unlike the first movie, I disliked this transformers film because the plot didn't make much sense and the action scenes had big explosions that seemed to come from nowhere." Right, as opposed to the first film and its Chekhovian commitment to dramatic development.

When you frame all the complaints from the film in this way, you see it really is not that bad of a movie. Unless of course you didn't like the first film, in which case more power to you, rip the thing apart.

And now for a special Literary Brothel treat, an exclusive clip from Transformers: Robot Fall Down Go Boom.

-LA

10 Similarities Between Grad Students and Homeless People

10 Similarities Between Grad Students and Homeless People
Klaus Varley

1. Showering optional.
2. The library is also known as "Home Base."
3. Beards.
4. Nonsensical banter muttered to self. (Grad students will often foolishly repeat said banter to advisers.)
5. Large backpacks.
6. Avoided by undergrads in public.
7. Bicycles.
8. On a first name basis with Benito's Taco Shop workers.
9. Big Blue Bus routes memorized.
10. Inadequate yearly income.

Seriously.

-KV

Bukowski on Control

"On some days there is total control, you drive the freeways better, you do everything better. Then the other days arrive when you even fear the check-out girl in the supermarket."

-Charles Bukowski, 1979

To All Fans of Futurama: An Emergency Call to Action

by
Langdon Auger

THE MATT GROENING SERIES Futurama has just recently been picked up for a new season. However, the original voice cast has been fired over pay discrepancies.

The original voices of Fry, Leela, and Bender all have this insane notion that they are somehow partly responsible for the success of the show and therefore deserving of mild recognition for their efforts. This of course doesn't fit into the plans of Fox Television.

Fox's sound judgment has led them to cancel such lesser known shows as Arrested Development, Family Guy, Firefly, and even a show called Futurama.

And a good thing they canceled all of them because it's not like they found new life in syndication, DVD sales, feature films, direct to DVD features, cult fan bases, comic con conventions, or comic books.

Billy West, John DiMaggio, Katey Sagal, and Maurice La Marche are worth it. Fox will surely lose more money from an outraged fan base than they will save by recasting lesser-known voice actors.

If you are as pissed off as I am, or if you simply have a slow day at work, please send FOX a letter telling them how idiotic they are for this move. I'll even pay for your stamp if that represents a financial hardship.* Letters are really weird because nobody sends them anymore, and executives tend to believe that one hard copy letter represents the opinion of about a hundred other people who were too lazy to write.

Futurama
attn: fox broadcasting publicity dept.
P.O. Box 900
Beverly Hills, Ca
90213-0900

Seriously.

-LA

*offer void in states that contain vowels in the name. Seriously, it's like forty four cents, just pay it yourself.

Klaus vs Parker: A Battle of the Texts

Klaus vs Parker: A Battle of the Texts

Though it's been around for seven or eight years, Brothel co-founder Parker Briggsmore only recently began utilizing the technology known as "text messaging." Probably because he just got an iPhone. (Apparently, it pays to lose your old Nokia brick phone in a movie theater.) -KV

[Please note: Grammar and punctuation left in original form, unless errors were not funny.]

KV: What's a good documentary to watch, give me a suggestion to ignore.

--One hour later--

PB: When the levees fell, best hurrican Katrina doc I have seen.
PB: It's a spike lee joint
PB: He says joints not movies

KV: Too late, no longer in video store.
KV: He does it because he's black
KV: And black people always change words
KV: Into drugs

PB: Don't mess with him, it's bad for your career.
PB: Clint Eastwood made letters from iwo jima and then got into a war or words with spike and then...
PB: Gran Torino

KV: I heard in Torino the asian acting is as good as it gets

PB: Pat Morita and George Takei take offense.
PB: Very slight offense.

KV: Seriously though, need advice - ate a giant burrito two hours ago, but still feel full. ok to swim?

PB: You will likely get cramps, but hey, do it for the laughs at the emergency room.

KV: PS. Tell Sulu I said hi before he leaves tonight.

PB: The cheap gay joke? I thought you were made of sterner stuff, Megatron.

KV: If that's what it takes for you to call me by my transformer name, there's more to come.

PB: Megatron is the undergrad you, now you are the mentally unstable Galvatron
PB: I am Unicron
PB: Destroyer of worlds
PB: Eater of millions

KV: When you buy a house does H know one bedroom is reserved for deceptacons and one for toys of the other group I can't think of their name because I'm not a geek about this shi...
KV: t, like you.

PB: It's decepticons and the autobots, and that geek comment doesn't work when the geek can choke you out.

KV: I'll still clown you on Criagslist.*

PB: Touche.

-TLB


*This is a reference to the multiple times Parker has been verbally assaulted on Craigslist by people who obviously have no sense of his size or temperament.

10 Easy to Cut Items from California's Budget

Note: I am aware this post makes little sense...just like de-italicizing a word to give it emphasis in an italicized note. -KV

10 Easy to Cut Items from California's Budget
Klaus Varley

Here in California, a lot of people are criticizing the govenator for proposing to cut health care programs for poor children and other wasteful government expenditures. Why doesn't he raise taxes on corporations? Or the wealthy?

"Or the wealthy, what?" I say.
"Or raise taxes on the wealthy," you might retort.
"I see," I might conclude the tangential interlude with.

To help Schwartzenegger...Shwartzenegger...no...hmmm...(I'm not going to look this up, but even if I get it right, will spell check recognize it? Can you spell Schwartzinegger - that's definitely not right - without looking it up? Really? Sure. Yeah, two can play at that game - it's spelled Schwarzenegger, and spell check DOES recognize it.) to help our the Governor, below are ten easy cuts that I'm pretty sure will solve the California budget crisis WITHOUT raising taxes.

Get rid of...

1. Schools - too boring
2. Roads - too long
3. Cops - too mean
4. Firemen - too good looking
5. Water - too wet
6. Power - too powerful
7. Internets - too confusing
8. Libraries - too quiet
9. Sidewalks - too hot
10. Hospitals - too necessary

But not weed.



Seriously, Gov'ner.

-KV

The Great Vodka Taste Test of 2008 - The Video

I'm sure everyone remembers our post from last December about The Great Vodka Taste Test of 2008.

But you may not remember that we filmed it. Finally, that film has been edited. Hope you like the results.

Warning: The below video contains a little cursing, and more than a little drinking.



-TLB

A New Brothel Feature: Top Posts

Top Posts
Klaus Varley

Careful readers of The Brothel may have noticed a new addition to our site. If this is you, you are welcome to stop reading this post at any point; the rest of this piece merely explains the details of the new section in an uproariously humorous fashion. (Plus, I just won a bet by using "uproariously" twice in the opening paragraph of a post. Okay, NOW I won.)

Haven't spotted the new section? Perhaps this is your first time here. If so, welcome to The Literary Brothel! We're a creative writing site that has been around - in one form or another...yes, "404" was one of our home pages - since 2001.

Still haven't spotted the new stuff? Alright, jokes aside, it's that group of links on the left side labeled "Top Posts." (I refuse to write "widget" in a sentence. I mean, starting now.)

The point of the widg...page links is to hook those who may stumble upon The Brothel via Google searches of everything from "vegas brothels" to "nevada brothels." However one finds us, we wanted to make fans out of them. Our plan: point them toward some of our most popular posts.

This is not a full-proof plan (more like a 20 proof plan) because even though the posts are popular, it doesn't mean they are our best posts. Why don't I put our best posts on the wid..list? Because there isn't a Google Analytics statistic for "best," that's why.

So, if you have a favorite post (or two, or three, gosh so many favs, m-i-rite?) you feel should be listed in our Top Posts, please leave a comment, shoot me an email, Tweet, etc.

And if you haven't read the current "Top Posts," you've got your reading assignment.

Seriously.

-KV

Terminator Salvation Review - SPOILERS

Terminator Salvation Review (w/ Spoilers!)
Langdon Auger

Langdon's note: I generally don't like to give spoilers on a movie, but in order to truly convey how silly this movie is, I have to discuss the ending in detail. This is a good moment for those of you who haven't seen the movie yet and still want to see it to go read one of the other fine posts on this website.

Many people were dreading the release of the new terminator movie, but not me. I had faith in it because of Christian Bale and script rewrites from Jonathan Nolan (The Dark Knight, Memento) as well as script doctoring from Paul Haggis (Million Dollar Baby, Crash, the new James Bond films).

Alright, I was a little worried about director McG. He is known for the Charlie's Angels movies, as well as We are Marshall. But mainly everyone was concerned because McG has the stupidest name.

Let me ask the Brothel readers a question, have you ever heard of the city named Yerba Buena? No, you haven't because it had a dumb name and no one wanted to live there. So the city changed its name to San Francisco and that seemed to solve most of its problems. McG, please take note. But here is the funny thing: the movie is competently directed. The action scenes are exciting and the only thing worthwhile in the movie since the script utterly fails on all accounts. Way to go "Mc-dumb-name."

Let's take this 100% true bit of dialogue from the opening of the movie where Marcus Wright (Sam Worthington) is on death row in pre-judgment day times. He kisses a terminally ill Helen Bonham Carter for some reason and remarks, "So that's what death tastes like." Who says that? The film is peppered with such tidbits. Also in this scene Helen Bonham Carter convinces him to turn his body over to Skynet for medical research by telling him, "Everyone deserves a second chance." More on that bit of idiotic dialogue later.

Oddly enough for a futuristic, loosely centralized military operation there is a very strong sense of discipline amongst the rank and file. Future-dad Kyle Reese has a subplot where he is trying to earn his stripes because he is a new recruit in the army. Now me, seeing as how there is little oversight and zero chance of getting caught, I would take some random pieces of red cloth I found on the road and attach them to my sleeve and tell everyone to go screw. History buffs, Baron Von Steuben was the Prussian general who whipped the continental army into shape during Valley Forge. But he wasn't royalty, he wasn't even a general. He just took advantage of a situation unlike this idiot Kyle Reese. But I guess Kyle Reese is just cool like that, having grown up in a futuristic landscape devoid of all civil society and law enforcement.

Now, I would like to take a moment to provide a quick addition to the script that would have made the film a tad less silly.

To be inserted ANYWHERE in the movie.

Random soldier: Why are we still alive? Didn't they just set off a nuclear explosion that typically vaporizes everything in a ten mile radius?

John Connor: The terminators use tactical nuclear weapons with no fall out or electromagnetic pulse because otherwise the nuclear weapons would mess with their own circuitry.

There. I did it. I just fixed a major gap in the story. There is no way you can run fifty feet and jump out of the way of a nuclear blast unless we are playing by Predator rules. This little bit of dialogue explains the blasts in the context of a science fiction framework and makes sense. It also leaves the audience a little less incredulous. It took me about five minutes to come up with this dialogue after seeing the movie, which should show to you how much time they spent on the script.

Also, for a futuristic military leader who has fought cyborgs his entire life, John Connor is inexplicably trusting when he finds Marcus Wright was turned into a cyborg in order to infiltrate the resistance.

John Connor: oh well, you have a trusting face, let's let him go so he can carry out a super secret mission because he is sure to honor his commitment to humans. This is in no way a set up or a trap instituted by Skynet, our sworn enemy who specializes in covert cyborg missions.

Then comes a ridiculous ending. Imagine the ending to Wayne's World where they come out and do they super happy ending and everyone kisses and makes up. That is the exact ending of Terminator Salvation.

A wounded John Connor lies in a hospital bed, dying.

Kate Connor (capably portrayed by Bryce Dallas Howard): He needs a heart transplant.

Marcus Wright: He can have my heart. I am a cyborg and no longer need to live because everyone deserves a second chance.

Kate Connor: Do you realize that what you just said doesn't really apply to this situation? That is simply something you said earlier in the movie and this is a weak attempt to bring narrative closure to a sophomoric script.

Marcus Wright: shut up, just take it. And don't bother to check to see if we are compatible donors, because lord knows there is nothing like having your body violently reject a major organ in a post-apocalyptic wasteland with little to no medical services. And it's also a good thing that heart transplant surgery is a minor operation which can be performed in the field with an under qualified veterinarian serving as chief cardiovascular surgeon.

John Connor: Future dad, I want you to take this red stripe for your uniform. I admire your idiotic sense of discipline in our decentralized military, even though a smarter human being would have just taken the stripes from a dead person.

Kyle Reese: Thanks past-Son, let's all go get ice cream!

-LA

Holy Crap, I thought I knew HTML

HOLY CRAP (I Thought I Knew HTML)
by Klaus Varley

Holy crap
I thought I knew HTML
But apparently not

I put up a post on Tuesday
And today it has Wing-ding
All over it

Wing-ding!
In places you wouldn't expect

Like South Carolina governors
in Argentina

Or Michael Jackson fans
Outside the hospital
Down the street

Holy Crap
I thought I knew HTML
But obviously not

I have to cut and paste Langdon's piece
Onto a text document
But that picture don't paste

THAT PICTURE DON'T PASTE!

I wanted today's piece to be about Mark Sanford
Or Sarah Palin
Or the demise of the Republicans
I can't get enough

But instead I spent that time
Re-learning how to use HTML

Holy Crap
I thought I knew HTML
But I didn't

Now, I do
A little
Not that much
Don't ask me to work on your website.

Sheesh.

-TLB