Terminator Salvation Review - SPOILERS

Terminator Salvation Review (w/ Spoilers!)
Langdon Auger

Langdon's note: I generally don't like to give spoilers on a movie, but in order to truly convey how silly this movie is, I have to discuss the ending in detail. This is a good moment for those of you who haven't seen the movie yet and still want to see it to go read one of the other fine posts on this website.

Many people were dreading the release of the new terminator movie, but not me. I had faith in it because of Christian Bale and script rewrites from Jonathan Nolan (The Dark Knight, Memento) as well as script doctoring from Paul Haggis (Million Dollar Baby, Crash, the new James Bond films).

Alright, I was a little worried about director McG. He is known for the Charlie's Angels movies, as well as We are Marshall. But mainly everyone was concerned because McG has the stupidest name.

Let me ask the Brothel readers a question, have you ever heard of the city named Yerba Buena? No, you haven't because it had a dumb name and no one wanted to live there. So the city changed its name to San Francisco and that seemed to solve most of its problems. McG, please take note. But here is the funny thing: the movie is competently directed. The action scenes are exciting and the only thing worthwhile in the movie since the script utterly fails on all accounts. Way to go "Mc-dumb-name."

Let's take this 100% true bit of dialogue from the opening of the movie where Marcus Wright (Sam Worthington) is on death row in pre-judgment day times. He kisses a terminally ill Helen Bonham Carter for some reason and remarks, "So that's what death tastes like." Who says that? The film is peppered with such tidbits. Also in this scene Helen Bonham Carter convinces him to turn his body over to Skynet for medical research by telling him, "Everyone deserves a second chance." More on that bit of idiotic dialogue later.

Oddly enough for a futuristic, loosely centralized military operation there is a very strong sense of discipline amongst the rank and file. Future-dad Kyle Reese has a subplot where he is trying to earn his stripes because he is a new recruit in the army. Now me, seeing as how there is little oversight and zero chance of getting caught, I would take some random pieces of red cloth I found on the road and attach them to my sleeve and tell everyone to go screw. History buffs, Baron Von Steuben was the Prussian general who whipped the continental army into shape during Valley Forge. But he wasn't royalty, he wasn't even a general. He just took advantage of a situation unlike this idiot Kyle Reese. But I guess Kyle Reese is just cool like that, having grown up in a futuristic landscape devoid of all civil society and law enforcement.

Now, I would like to take a moment to provide a quick addition to the script that would have made the film a tad less silly.

To be inserted ANYWHERE in the movie.

Random soldier: Why are we still alive? Didn't they just set off a nuclear explosion that typically vaporizes everything in a ten mile radius?

John Connor: The terminators use tactical nuclear weapons with no fall out or electromagnetic pulse because otherwise the nuclear weapons would mess with their own circuitry.

There. I did it. I just fixed a major gap in the story. There is no way you can run fifty feet and jump out of the way of a nuclear blast unless we are playing by Predator rules. This little bit of dialogue explains the blasts in the context of a science fiction framework and makes sense. It also leaves the audience a little less incredulous. It took me about five minutes to come up with this dialogue after seeing the movie, which should show to you how much time they spent on the script.

Also, for a futuristic military leader who has fought cyborgs his entire life, John Connor is inexplicably trusting when he finds Marcus Wright was turned into a cyborg in order to infiltrate the resistance.

John Connor: oh well, you have a trusting face, let's let him go so he can carry out a super secret mission because he is sure to honor his commitment to humans. This is in no way a set up or a trap instituted by Skynet, our sworn enemy who specializes in covert cyborg missions.

Then comes a ridiculous ending. Imagine the ending to Wayne's World where they come out and do they super happy ending and everyone kisses and makes up. That is the exact ending of Terminator Salvation.

A wounded John Connor lies in a hospital bed, dying.

Kate Connor (capably portrayed by Bryce Dallas Howard): He needs a heart transplant.

Marcus Wright: He can have my heart. I am a cyborg and no longer need to live because everyone deserves a second chance.

Kate Connor: Do you realize that what you just said doesn't really apply to this situation? That is simply something you said earlier in the movie and this is a weak attempt to bring narrative closure to a sophomoric script.

Marcus Wright: shut up, just take it. And don't bother to check to see if we are compatible donors, because lord knows there is nothing like having your body violently reject a major organ in a post-apocalyptic wasteland with little to no medical services. And it's also a good thing that heart transplant surgery is a minor operation which can be performed in the field with an under qualified veterinarian serving as chief cardiovascular surgeon.

John Connor: Future dad, I want you to take this red stripe for your uniform. I admire your idiotic sense of discipline in our decentralized military, even though a smarter human being would have just taken the stripes from a dead person.

Kyle Reese: Thanks past-Son, let's all go get ice cream!

-LA