Nine, Up in the Air, and other Awards Movies

Langdon Auger

As an update to the awards season madness, I bring you two new movies. The first is the Rob Marshall directed musical Nine and the other is the Jason Reitman helmed, George Clooney starring Up in the Air.

As a quick aside, I pulled into the theater for Nine and I saw massive crowds and paparazzi. Apparently Brad Pitt and Quentin Tarantino were doing a Q and A session after a special screening of Inglorious Basterds. As jealous as I am that I missed the screening, I was a little shocked at the number of paparazzi who hounded Brad Pitt. This guy can't go anywhere without those guys harassing him and I thought that was pretty sad.

Then I remembered he is rich, attractive, talented, successful, and sleeping with Angelina Jolie and I decided, screw him.

Nine is a musical remake of the Fellini film 8 ½, a trippy mid life crisis film about a director reflecting on his life and the women who shaped it. While I personally consider the original Fellini film too inscrutable and perplexing, many consider it a masterpiece and it should definitely be on everyone's Netflix queue (it's available for streaming video, so it doesn't even need to take up one of your mailing positions).

Everything about this musical suggests it is good. The director did the previous Best Picture winner Chicago. The cast consists of Daniel Day Lewis, Judy Dench, Penelope Cruz, and the ever beautiful Sophia Loren. On a less enthusiastic note, it also stars Nicole Kidman Kate Hudson, Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas, and everyone's favorite conspiracy theorist, Marion Cotillard. That is seven acting Oscars between them, and several more nominations.

But fantastic sets, direction, and a cast to die for can't make up for a lackluster source material. The Tony award winning musical simply isn't that good. I judge musicals based on how long I wait before buying the soundtrack. With Dream Girls, the first thing I did on leaving the theater was find a Target before it closed and buy the soundtrack. I don't feel like Nine has any songs that I want to hum on my way home. But this movie is definitely justified with Penelope Cruz's sex kitten dance. God damn, that's all I have to say. Of course, this film does have the Weinsteins behind it so I can guarantee nominations for Best Picture, Director, Actor for Daniel Day Lewis, Supporting Actress for Penelope Cruz, and all the technical awards no one cares about.

Up in the Air is a fun dramatic comedy from the Director of Juno. My uncontrollable man crush on George Clooney pretty much means I was going to enjoy this movie no matter what. But it is a great movie, dealing with the isolation of modern society, massive economic layoffs, and the quest for more frequent flyer miles. I guess it stars some broad from Twilight, but I won't hold that against the movie. (She was pretty good anyway.) The film has a clever script about the bachelor George Clooney starting to realize he wants more out of his life than he gets as a corporate flyer. It tends to veer into a conventional story line by the end, but I think the film should be a big awards contender. I'm predicting Oscar noms for Best Picture, Director, Actor for Clooney, and an Oscar win for screenplay as a sort of reward for the impressive early career of Jason Reitman.

Overall it has been a weak year for movies. These are all the films made immediately after the writers' strike so that's why so many movies have crap scripts that feel rushed and not fully thought out (I'm looking at you Wolverine and Star Trek). I've heard mixed reviews about The Lovely Bones and I don't think Avatar will be a serious contender for Best Picture, so I am officially calling it right now. Mark my words, Precious will be Best Picture, Best Director for Lee Daniels (this would be the first African American Best Director winner, by the way), Best Supporting Actress for Mo'Nique, and possibly Best Actress for newcomer Gabourey Sibide. You can take that to Las Vegas and bet on it.

-LA

Pre Award Season Round Up

by Langdon Auger

Hello all. It has been a while since I posted, due in part to the pressures of the global economic crisis, the high demand of grad school, and me just not giving a crap.

But as we head into another awards season, I have several movies to bring to your attention. Because of the writers strike two years ago, we are now suffering through the release of all the films with substandard scripts (Star Trek, Terminator, Transformers, and Wolverine). The same goes for awards movies this year. A good suggestion for those of you with precious few dollars to spend watching artsy films, pay attention to more indie small films as the studio offerings a largely crap this go around.

A Serious Man

The Coen brothers bring us this head scratcher of a film mainly as a way to stick it to their loyal fans who make them a success. This film seems way too interested in presenting complex moral and psychological questions but not letting the audience get any real answers. The entire thing seems to be a joke where the audience is the butt of the joke. But it's pretty good, darkly funny, and another Coen brother's movie which warrants many re-watchings.

Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire

Precious is a story about an overweight, abused, illiterate, pregnant teenager living in New York during the 1980s. This is a story compiled from several different stories Sapphire heard while working as a social worker, so think of it as "God's greatest hits: Screwing Over the Little People." This is a phenomenal film which attracted the attention of Oprah Winfrey and Tyler Perry and has amazing performances from newcomer Gabourey Sibide and ( I kid you not) Mo'nique, Mariah Carey, and Lenny Kravitz. This is a must see movie, the breakout film of the year. It feels a little bit like "Dangerous Minds" and every other teacher-inner city youth formula movie, but there is a high degree of hopelessness that keeps it from being too schmaltzy.

The Road

Delayed over a year for no conceivable reason, this is a depressing post apocalyptic film with Viggo Mortensen that deals with issues of humanity and survival. And Cannibalism, lots of Cannibalism. This is an interesting movie with a killer music score that underlines the depressing nature of the film. The film loses points because at the directors' Q and A John Hillcoat mentioned he cut a scene with a baby roasting on a spit. He could have cut everything else and just put that scene in the movie, I would have paid to see it. Cormac McCarthy wrote the book on which the film is based, so this could be a big awards contender though it might be too bleak to get wide recognition.

A Single Man

I had no idea what this movie was about when I saw it. I knew there was a gay guy in the 60s and he is doing something. But anyway, it turns out to be a ponderous drama where Colin Firth deals with the death of his partner. First time director/ Fashion designer Tom Ford directs a visually arresting film that deals with the meaning of life and the importance of living in the moment. This film is virtually guaranteed to get a Best Actor nomination, but I don't know how well the film will be received for other awards. Also, I confess to never having been a fan of Julianne Moore.

Invictus

Clint Eastwood continues his stellar directing career with this film. It is basically The Mighty Ducks, except that instead of hockey it is rugby. And instead of Emilio Estevez reconnecting with his dad, it's a country trying to pull itself back from the brink of a horrible system of racist segregation and violence. But otherwise, its exactly the same. Still, the rugby games are exciting for someone who knows nothing about the sport, and Morgan Freeman manages to be a convincing Nelson Mandela. And Matt Damon is always fun in his movies. I don't know how much of a chance this movie has for awards, but with ten best picture nominees this year it stands a decent chance, while Morgan Freeman might get some attention (I doubt it though).

Coming soon: Oscar Predictions. Yes, it's early.

-LA

Thoughts on District 9

Langdon Auger

Broken into five thoughts, for easy reading consumption. -TLB

1. How is it that Transformers 2 cost 200 million dollars to make, and yet District 9 had better special effects? I believe this is the law of diminishing returns. Now the more we spend on special effects the less difference it makes. We are starting to get to the point where special effects can't get much better and become truly pointless. There is no reason to render Optimus Prime in such detail. We don't need every gear and lugnut in painstaking IMAX. This is why District 9 could rock ass for 30 million dollars and still be believable.

2. How amazing is it that we have a small movie with no stars, no Americans, heavy accents, and a solid R Rating that comes along and rescues the summer movie season? And what's interesting is that the film doesn't really explain everything in painstaking detail like you would expect from a Hollywood movie. It doesn't really explain why the aliens are there because its not important to the story of the film. On the one hand that bothers me because I want back story, while on the other it impresses me that they would leave so much to the imagination.

3. Sharlto Copley is a fantastic actor. He runs the gamut in this film from dweebish bureaucrat to action star and it is pretty believable. How do they find so much talent in somebody who has never acted before?

4. I truly hope that this movie becomes a science-fiction Easy Rider. For those of you who don't know, Easy Rider was a kind of dopey counter culture film from the 60s that was made on the cheap and became immensely successful. It turned Hollywood towards smaller productions and more individualized projects shepherded by interesting directors. It might be too early to tell but I hope the execs start to realize that they can get interesting science fiction movies made for cheap and that they don't have to shovel Transformers size budgets at the problem. With the reduced budgets can come more daring movies, more R ratings, interesting directors, and less pressure on opening weekend box offices.

5. Well, I can dream can't I?

-LA

Long Live Curb Your Enthusiasm

Langdon Auger

Here you go Brothel readers, a lazy post that involves quoting someone else. -Langdon

Not sure where he got this. Langdon has his ways. -TLB

Larry David on the possiblity of another season of Curb Your Enthusiasm...

Larry David: "There is a good possibility i could do another season. And if not, I'll find something else to do. I would like to meet a woman who likes me at the same time I like her. But I realize that's impossible. And against Nature."

Obnoxious Entertainment Weekly reporter who is still paying off his student loans from a college where he dreamed of being a relevant journalist serving his nation with important stories, so sad, such a failure, god I hate this magazine: "But Larry, you've pulled off the Seinfeld reunion miracle--isn't anything possible?"

LD: "No. Nobody can pull that off. They like you and you like them? And you're having sex? That's not happening."

-LA

John Hughes Left Us Bupkis

Editor's note: While we often agree with Langdon, this time we do not. Perhaps a response piece is forthcoming. Perhaps just editing out some of the negative things he said about The Breakfast Club will suffice. Yes, these pieces are edited. Surprise! -KV

John Hughes Left Us Bupkis
Langdon Auger

Michael Jackson may have molested children, but when he died I was sad. John Hughes died today and I have to say the movie goer is better off.

Let's be clear, there are some high points to his career. Ferris Bueller' Day Off isn't all that bad, and he is responsible for some of the late John Candy's finer work, including Uncle Buck and the undeniably great Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. But then again John Candy was a national treasure (even though he is Canadian I claim him for America.)

But Hughes' other movies are filled with smug crap. Besides dying, the best thing Hughes did was stop directing movies in 1991.

Alright, that may be a little harsh, but let me present the evidence.

Exhibit Ringwald

The Molly Ringwald oeuvre is a trio of obnoxious dramedies that melt the adult intellect into a gray sludge that dribbles out of your ears. And everthing is disaffected. If it's not the disaffected teenage girl pining for the high school jock, it's the disaffected teenage girl pining for the high school rich kid, or the disaffected teenage girl pining for the high school bad boy.

Plus, John Hughes stretched the bounds of Ringwald's acting talents. Seriously.

Lastly, these films - Pretty in Pink, Sixteen Candles, and The Breakfast Club - lack any resonance with teenagers outside a slim, spoiled demographic.

What the hell are you three looking at? Oh don't smile or anything. We all know how tough it is to grow up in a safe, protected, Illinois suburb, free of gangs, drugs, violence, and poverty.

Exibit Breakfast Club

How whiny is The Breakfast Club? "I got a pack of cigarettes for Christmas. My dad puts cigarettes out on me. Somebody call the Wah-mbulance." Everybody has problems, Judd Nelson. Guess what? High school ends in four years. After it you can go get a job in the exciting world of telemarketing or insurance sales.

Exibit Nerd

Why in god's name doesn't the nerdy Anthony Michael Hall ever find any sort of relationships in these movies? Even the weird silent girl with dandruff problems played by Ally Sheedy gets a little action by the end of BC from the future Mighty Ducks coach.

Exhibit Weird Science

At least it's not as bad as Weird Science, wherein Anthony Michael Hall gets a little bit of play from a conjured-genie-electronic-robot-girl thing. And it's not as bad as Curly Sue, an abortive Shirley Temple film starring the multi talented James Belushi. And then there are his post-retirement screen writing credits, including Home Alone, Beethoven, Maid in Manhattan, and Drillbit Taylor.

And even though Ferris is a fun movie, I could personally do without the last half hour where it gets all emotional and introspective. I think it goes south after the art gallery scene where Matthew Broderick bangs what's-her-name. Cameron goes all catatonic because he can't cope with simple human emotions and wrecks his dad's car saying "now he will have to talk to me." I wouldn't mind seeing the deleted scene where Cameron's dad gets hopped up on Old Crow Whiskey and beats Cameron to within an inch of his life. You know Cameron, maybe you could try talking to your father. If he is interested in cars, say this: "hey dad, how is your car?" But no, you're right, it's much better to mope around and passive-aggressively antagonize your father. Because it's not like you're ever going to need to borrow money from him in the future.

Hughes is the man whose movies inspired an entire generation to be ultra-whiny, overly emotional, generally worthless, and have an unearned sense of entitlement.

Thank you for your career, John Hughes. I know right now you are inspiring angels up in heaven to be incredibly petty and narrow minded and revolt over very minor issues that wouldn't bother anyone with a half a brain.

-LA

Transformers: Robot Fall Down Go Boom

Transformers: Robot Fall Down Go Boom
Langdon Auger

I am not necessarily going to rip this movie a new one. Let me explain.

The second Transformers film is a big dumb action movie but I really don't feel it can be called a bad movie, mainly because it is a sequel. For a movie to be truly bad you have to have the expectation of quality.

That is why The Godfather Part III is a worse movie than Deuce Bigalow: European Gigalo. If the first Rob Schneider movie didn't put you off seeing the sequel then you got the movie you deserved. Clearly the last Godfather movie had much higher expectations attached to it and thus is far more disappointing. For a movie to be really bad there has to be an expectation of quality and disappointment in the film's ability to achieve that quality. That's how Rob Schnieder made a better movie than Al Pacin and how Transformers: Robot Fall Down Go Boom in this sense, is a good movie.

If the first movie didn't prepare you for sledge hammer quality special effects and sound design then the fault is yours, not the movie. Both Transformers movies are dopey and have a lot of scenes that don't make sense.

My favorite particular scene is the new one is where the douche Shia Lebouf is telling his parents they have to go to safety so he can run across an exploding field of Decepticons. You guys know this scene, it's in every movie where one guy yells "you have to go" and the other yells "I'm not leaving you." Well, it happens here because Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci are talentless hacks who put the most cliched and garbled crap in their movie scripts (they also did this year's Star Trek, not exactly renowned for its coherent and fully flushed out story).

Alright, so douchebag is yelling at his parents and he finally convinces them to go. He then turns around and mega-hottie Megan Fox tells him she is not leaving without him and he decides to take her along. I guess he just didn't want to have the same argument again, but reversing his "I have to go alone" position was literally the next line of dialogue after making a big scene of getting his parents to safety.

The other dopey scene was where they go to the Smithsonian to get help from an old transformer who is hiding there as a stealth bomber. That's the Smithsonian. The Smithsonian in Washington D.C. a densely urbanized swampland. So explain to me how they break out the back of the Smithsonian and they are suddenly in the desert. I have an idea, why not put in the script a line about going to the "Arizona Air and Space Museum." That explains the desert. This is also the scene where the mini robot humps Megan Fox's leg and then the robot teleports them somehow to Egypt. I don't know why he did that. Or how he did it. It never made sense.

But as dopey as this movie is you can't hate it that much if you even mildly enjoyed the first movie. I don't understand the screamingly negative reviews. Here is my challenge to all the detractors of the film. We can do this in the comments section. Explain your reason for hating the movie, but use this phrase at the start of your sentence: "Unlike the first movie, I disliked this Transformers film because…" Try it out.

"Unlike the first movie I disliked this transformers film because of the negative depiction of African Americans." You know, as opposed to how the first film showed a delicate and nuanced portrayal of black people and the challenges facing them in a white dominated society.

"Unlike the first movie, I disliked this transformers film because the plot didn't make much sense and the action scenes had big explosions that seemed to come from nowhere." Right, as opposed to the first film and its Chekhovian commitment to dramatic development.

When you frame all the complaints from the film in this way, you see it really is not that bad of a movie. Unless of course you didn't like the first film, in which case more power to you, rip the thing apart.

And now for a special Literary Brothel treat, an exclusive clip from Transformers: Robot Fall Down Go Boom.

-LA

To All Fans of Futurama: An Emergency Call to Action

by
Langdon Auger

THE MATT GROENING SERIES Futurama has just recently been picked up for a new season. However, the original voice cast has been fired over pay discrepancies.

The original voices of Fry, Leela, and Bender all have this insane notion that they are somehow partly responsible for the success of the show and therefore deserving of mild recognition for their efforts. This of course doesn't fit into the plans of Fox Television.

Fox's sound judgment has led them to cancel such lesser known shows as Arrested Development, Family Guy, Firefly, and even a show called Futurama.

And a good thing they canceled all of them because it's not like they found new life in syndication, DVD sales, feature films, direct to DVD features, cult fan bases, comic con conventions, or comic books.

Billy West, John DiMaggio, Katey Sagal, and Maurice La Marche are worth it. Fox will surely lose more money from an outraged fan base than they will save by recasting lesser-known voice actors.

If you are as pissed off as I am, or if you simply have a slow day at work, please send FOX a letter telling them how idiotic they are for this move. I'll even pay for your stamp if that represents a financial hardship.* Letters are really weird because nobody sends them anymore, and executives tend to believe that one hard copy letter represents the opinion of about a hundred other people who were too lazy to write.

Futurama
attn: fox broadcasting publicity dept.
P.O. Box 900
Beverly Hills, Ca
90213-0900

Seriously.

-LA

*offer void in states that contain vowels in the name. Seriously, it's like forty four cents, just pay it yourself.

Terminator Salvation Review - SPOILERS

Terminator Salvation Review (w/ Spoilers!)
Langdon Auger

Langdon's note: I generally don't like to give spoilers on a movie, but in order to truly convey how silly this movie is, I have to discuss the ending in detail. This is a good moment for those of you who haven't seen the movie yet and still want to see it to go read one of the other fine posts on this website.

Many people were dreading the release of the new terminator movie, but not me. I had faith in it because of Christian Bale and script rewrites from Jonathan Nolan (The Dark Knight, Memento) as well as script doctoring from Paul Haggis (Million Dollar Baby, Crash, the new James Bond films).

Alright, I was a little worried about director McG. He is known for the Charlie's Angels movies, as well as We are Marshall. But mainly everyone was concerned because McG has the stupidest name.

Let me ask the Brothel readers a question, have you ever heard of the city named Yerba Buena? No, you haven't because it had a dumb name and no one wanted to live there. So the city changed its name to San Francisco and that seemed to solve most of its problems. McG, please take note. But here is the funny thing: the movie is competently directed. The action scenes are exciting and the only thing worthwhile in the movie since the script utterly fails on all accounts. Way to go "Mc-dumb-name."

Let's take this 100% true bit of dialogue from the opening of the movie where Marcus Wright (Sam Worthington) is on death row in pre-judgment day times. He kisses a terminally ill Helen Bonham Carter for some reason and remarks, "So that's what death tastes like." Who says that? The film is peppered with such tidbits. Also in this scene Helen Bonham Carter convinces him to turn his body over to Skynet for medical research by telling him, "Everyone deserves a second chance." More on that bit of idiotic dialogue later.

Oddly enough for a futuristic, loosely centralized military operation there is a very strong sense of discipline amongst the rank and file. Future-dad Kyle Reese has a subplot where he is trying to earn his stripes because he is a new recruit in the army. Now me, seeing as how there is little oversight and zero chance of getting caught, I would take some random pieces of red cloth I found on the road and attach them to my sleeve and tell everyone to go screw. History buffs, Baron Von Steuben was the Prussian general who whipped the continental army into shape during Valley Forge. But he wasn't royalty, he wasn't even a general. He just took advantage of a situation unlike this idiot Kyle Reese. But I guess Kyle Reese is just cool like that, having grown up in a futuristic landscape devoid of all civil society and law enforcement.

Now, I would like to take a moment to provide a quick addition to the script that would have made the film a tad less silly.

To be inserted ANYWHERE in the movie.

Random soldier: Why are we still alive? Didn't they just set off a nuclear explosion that typically vaporizes everything in a ten mile radius?

John Connor: The terminators use tactical nuclear weapons with no fall out or electromagnetic pulse because otherwise the nuclear weapons would mess with their own circuitry.

There. I did it. I just fixed a major gap in the story. There is no way you can run fifty feet and jump out of the way of a nuclear blast unless we are playing by Predator rules. This little bit of dialogue explains the blasts in the context of a science fiction framework and makes sense. It also leaves the audience a little less incredulous. It took me about five minutes to come up with this dialogue after seeing the movie, which should show to you how much time they spent on the script.

Also, for a futuristic military leader who has fought cyborgs his entire life, John Connor is inexplicably trusting when he finds Marcus Wright was turned into a cyborg in order to infiltrate the resistance.

John Connor: oh well, you have a trusting face, let's let him go so he can carry out a super secret mission because he is sure to honor his commitment to humans. This is in no way a set up or a trap instituted by Skynet, our sworn enemy who specializes in covert cyborg missions.

Then comes a ridiculous ending. Imagine the ending to Wayne's World where they come out and do they super happy ending and everyone kisses and makes up. That is the exact ending of Terminator Salvation.

A wounded John Connor lies in a hospital bed, dying.

Kate Connor (capably portrayed by Bryce Dallas Howard): He needs a heart transplant.

Marcus Wright: He can have my heart. I am a cyborg and no longer need to live because everyone deserves a second chance.

Kate Connor: Do you realize that what you just said doesn't really apply to this situation? That is simply something you said earlier in the movie and this is a weak attempt to bring narrative closure to a sophomoric script.

Marcus Wright: shut up, just take it. And don't bother to check to see if we are compatible donors, because lord knows there is nothing like having your body violently reject a major organ in a post-apocalyptic wasteland with little to no medical services. And it's also a good thing that heart transplant surgery is a minor operation which can be performed in the field with an under qualified veterinarian serving as chief cardiovascular surgeon.

John Connor: Future dad, I want you to take this red stripe for your uniform. I admire your idiotic sense of discipline in our decentralized military, even though a smarter human being would have just taken the stripes from a dead person.

Kyle Reese: Thanks past-Son, let's all go get ice cream!

-LA

Actors Who Should Disappear – Part 2

Actors Who Should Disappear – Part 2
Langdon Auger

Continuing the basic ideas of my previous post, I want to turn my attention to another cinematic monstrosity.

Bryce Dallas Howard

I get it. Your dad is wildly successful child actor turned film director Ron Howard. But the thing is an Oscar is not hereditary. You have little talent and charisma, yet you keep showing up in the worst possible movies. Let's take a look.

The first major film role you were given was M. Knight Shyamalan's two hour long Twilight Zone retread The Village. You play easily the most unconvincing blind person I have ever seen.

There are scenes where you are running through a field. That must be an amazingly well groomed 16th century ( I mean 21st century, wait no, don't ruin the ending) lawn. There are no potholes, gophers, roots, or minor dips. Same thing when you are running through a forest at the end of the movie. Just because your hands are out in front of you doesn't mean you are immune to the perils of old growth forests.

You followed up that impressive star turn as the wizard-fairy-godmother thing from Lady in the Water. The key to a good career is to hitch yourself to a rising star, not M. Knight Shyamalan. Here you have to jump in the pool but you can't do it because there is a huge black Labrador blocking your way. I'm not sure why - it got boring so I stopped paying attention.

Then you were the scene stealing Gwen Stacy in Spider-man 3. I don't mean scene stealing in the sense that you took the audience's attention. I mean stealing in the sense of Bernie Madoff running away with 50 billion dollars and ruining people's lives. You took any and all charisma out of the movie. I'm even going to blame you for the piano-jazz dance scene, a part of the movie for which you had no responsibility what so ever.

Finally, you showed up in Terminator Salvation in the role originated by Clare Danes. This movie reeked and you were bad in it. It made little to no sense plot wise and the acting was sub-par across the board. It pains me to ridicule Christian Bale and I have to say I am a little worried about Sam Worthington who we will see later in the year in Jim Cameron's Avatar (well, I will at any rate. Brothel readers are free to do as they please). But once again, Bryce Dallas Howard strong arms her way into some heavy handed and purpose-less scenes. I was having a hard enough time sitting through the movie until her ginger face showed up on screen. She just brutalizes her movies and leaves her cast and co stars wallowing in a sea of broken careers and ruined franchises.

To summarize, watching Bryce Dallas Howard act is like watching a poor Ron Howard imitation that I want to have sex with.

In other words, it's very confusing.

-LA

A Letter from Gambit to his Fans

A Letter from Gambit to his Fans
Langdon Auger

Bonjour,

Hello. It's me, Gambit, the Cajun mutant from the popular comic book series X-Men and I'm here to ask you to please stop requesting your favorite characters in movies.

For three X-Men movies you guys sent in loads of letters to Fox asking for me, and they finally broke down and gave me a worthless role in the recent film Wolverine. Are you happy now? You got a weak, half formed character to mollify the most vocal of online critics without having the character anchored in any meaningful way to the storyline. I literally could have been any character in the Marvel universe. You asked for me, they gave me to you, and now I have been wasted. You won't be seeing me anymore. I won't be in any sequels and it would be awkward to give me my own movie (Just ask that Deadpool guy).

Remember when you guys did this with Venom in the third Spider-Man movie? The same thing happened. Cool villain given fifteen minutes of screen time then criminally wasted because some suits don't understand that a character is only interesting when they are put into the context of a plot where their turmoil is interesting and relevant to the story at hand.

All the people who make movies want to make money, and all of the fan boys blustering for their favorite characters convince them they need to throw as many characters into a movie as they can. Wouldn't you rather have a Venom/ Gambit/ Mr. Freeze/ Poison Ivy/ Bane/ Silver Surfer/ Juggernaut/ Dark Phoenix/ Kitty Pryde/ Colossus/ Blob/ Deadpool/ White Queen/ Sandman character that you could care about? Is it really so important to see your favorite character in a movie that you want them to be thrown into a lousy ensemble cast with little to no background or relevance?

Please, stop asking for your favorite characters. I am asking you this favor on behalf of all of us neglected super heroes who were thrown to the wolves on lousy sequels, and on behalf of whatever villain is being lined up for the next Batman installment. Just because you like me, and I do thank my fans for making me a successful character, doesn't mean I should be in every movie.

Cordialement,

Gambit

Two Actors Who Should Disappear

Two Actors Who Should Disappear
Langdon Auger

Though there's plenty to be disgusted with in Wolverine, after watching the movie I found the most disgust in the continuing careers of two actors: Liev Schreiber and Ryan Reynolds.

Here is brief note to both actors, a plea to stop acting, for the good of all of us.

Liev Schrieber (Sabretooth)

Please stop working. Every movie you are in just grinds to a halt as we have to work our way around your awkward screen presence.

Maybe it would be alright except you have an uncanny knack for choosing the worst parts in the worst scripts. Let us review shall we? Scream you were in for a few seconds and that was enough. Scream 2 turned you into a full fledged character hell-bent on cashing in on your wrongful imprisonment. Guess which movie was worse? That wasn't a coincidence.

I guess The Manchurian Candidate was good even with you, but you turned around and did another remake with The Omen. How did that work out for you? Good reboot to a classic horror franchise? Yea that’s what I thought. Crap.

Then for a long time you did absolutely nothing of importance until this year’s holocaust themed Defiance. Apparently, this schlocky, overdone Jews-fight-back story was just right for your acting talent. We got a professional and not-at-all-laughable polish accent and saw you steal crucial screen time from Daniel Craig. And a dumb ending too. I like holocaust films that make me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

And then there was Wolverine: Origins, in which you were soundly out-acted by WWE star Tyler Mane from the first movie. Apparently you were angry at Wolverine for leaving you and you wanted to kill him to get back at him. That makes sense in crazy-ville. And how ridiculous is it to watch two invincible people hack at each other for an hour and half?

Ryan Reynolds (Deadpool)

National Lampoon's Van Wilder is an OK stand in for the poor soul who goes to the video store and can't get Animal House because it has been rented out by the same damn fraternity every weekend for the past 12 years. Yet I have a particular animosity for college and high school movies that end with an academic triathlon as a requirement for graduating. (You know, as opposed to the years of hard work and study.)

Blade III was interesting. I assume you were supposed to be the wise cracking side kick to Blade and the IPod spokes model Jessica Biel, but all of your wisecracks were incomprehensible swear words and inappropriate sexual comments.

Then you bounced around Hollywood as a bargain basement Matthew McConaughey before you wound up raping my eyes in the newest Wolverine movie. You show up on screen for five minutes, again make some wisecracks that aren't all that wise, and then flip your swords around. You bore me, your character sucked, and the concept of giving him a spin off movie based on a fleeting bit of screen time is offensive.

These guys mercilessly murder every film they are in. And you want to know the worst part about them? Take a look at their wives...

Bastards.

-LA

Concert Going Ettiquette

I would like to take a break from discussing movies and cookbooks for a second to talk about a subject that is near and dear to my heart. I direct this post to all the jack-asses out there that don't seem to understand how the general admission works at a small venue concert. Let me enlighten you with a few rules.

First, you show up early. Maybe it's just my anal retentive side, but I feel like I should get there early for the closest spot to the stage. And while it doesn't make any sense to stand there for an hour waiting for the show to start, it makes even less sense to bum rush the damn stage ten minutes before the curtain goes up and get in my damn way. This is why I usually see fights break out when I get that close to the stage. Fortunately this time I was at a blues concert so the punk rockers, gang bangers, and biker men decided to stay home. With the usual suspects absent I just tolerated the idiots jumping in front of me. But I also did it for another reason: dancing.

When you are dancing in your predefined area of the floor, keep your hands and feet inside the imaginary box. Pretend you're a mime and stay there. I don't want some lady - who isn't all that attractive to begin with - throwing her hands in my face for the first half of the show.

Yes, I said "attractive." Let's face it: the amount of crap guys are willing to put up with from the girl standing in front of them is directly proportional to their attractiveness or, if they are a guy, the attractiveness of their girlfriend.

Every time I go to a concert I have to deal with one of these two problems. This last concert I dealt with them both which worked out pretty well. The guys who got in front of me had to deal with the lady throwing her arms in my face while I got to look at their girlfriend (not in a creepy way, just admiring the scenery). But I may not be so lucky in the future.

-LA


Though his analysis is amusing, both Parker and I must adamantly disagree with Langdon's attractiveness/annoyance principle. We take the exact opposite approach: the more attractive the person (guy or girl) is, the less breaks we cut them. Because hey, they've probably been getting by on their looks most of their lives. Consider it a type of affirmative action, but based on attractiveness instead of race. And reversed. Or something.

What I'm trying to say is that we're just trying to level the playing field. Seriously. -KV

Great Advice from Cook Books

Great Advice from Cook Books
Langdon Auger

After getting tired of boxed macaroni and cheese, I decided it was time to invest in a cookbook. So I trudged on down to the used book store and broke the bank for a one dollar cookbook written in 1963. "The New Good housekeeping Cookbook," edited by Dorothy B. Marsh, provides a wonderful time capsule of late 1950s-early 1960s dining etiquette and gender attitudes.

Under the heading "Family Weight Watching" it lists a series of Do's and Dont's that I think speak for them selves.

"Don't give up in despair over teen-age food habits--those of the fashion conscious young ladies who starve themselves, or those of either gender who eat the wrong foods in between and at meals, with gay abandon. Be firm with youngsters in the first group; remind them they are preparing for marriage and motherhood. A girl who enjoys being a girl, who looks like a girl and not like a clothes pole, stands the best chance of having a whirl." p. 77

This is either the cause of or the solution to the Olsen Twin's problems, I can't decide which.

Enemies of food

-LA

Land of the Lost Review

Land of the Lost Review
Langdon Auger

Tonight Horace and I attended a sneak preview of the new Will Ferrell movie Land of the Lost. Despite unfinished special effects and soundtrack this movie was quite entertaining. Will Ferrell is able to do his shtick and this time he is joined by relative newcomer Danny McBride. (If you haven't seen his debut film The Footfist Way, rent it.)

Together the two bring a bit of fun to a horrible, fan-boy-infested show. There is something having to do with Sleestaks and some chimp thing named Chaka that gets old fast, but before you know it, Ferrell is running around in his underwear and having a good time. But I'm not quite sure what sport he was trying to spoof in this movie.

This was the first time I participated in a sneak preview where they take reviews. Horace and I were asked to stay behind and have a discussion of the film with about twenty other people. I follow films in production as a hobby and I know that this is the part where good movies get turned mediocre, so it was a little exciting to be there for it.

Sure enough they start asking questions and people start saying the best scenes were their least favorite. For instance, there was one scene where Anna Friel's character is misinterpreting Chaka's ape language and says he was expelled from his tribe for raping an apple. Turns out that wasn't the correct interpretation.

A girl at the screening says they shouldn't be making jokes like that in a movie and that rape is not something to be made fun of. First of all, as if it needed to be said, rape is absolutely wrong. Second of all, but he didn't actually rape anything. Third, it's funny scene because it is a rape of an apple. This is a victimless crime if i ever saw one. I doubt that the apple was really capable of resisting in the first place, or feeling one way or the other about the whole ordeal. And as for the blanket statement that something shouldn't be made fun of, well:

"I can prove to you rape is funny. Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd."- George Carlin

Then another woman chimed in and said how she shows the original television series to her fourth grade class and doesn't feel comfortable having them come to a movie with so much swearing and sexual innuendo.

Let's get something straight: kids are idiots and parents are panicky stupid morons (see Horace's post on a scary Duracell commercial). This is the reason why cool toys are taken off the shelf when some dope chokes himself. This is the reason we have zero tolerance policies in school that result in the valedictorian not graduating on time because of an aspirin in her purse. And finally (and most importantly) this is the reason we got rid of the dark Tim Burton Batmans and had to endure the cinematic fiasco of Joel Schumacher's technicolor cape and cowl. But Warner Brothers smarted up, told the four year olds and parents to go screw, put Christopher Nolan in charge, and made a Batman movie that was worth seeing.

But I digress. To be in a screening where this issue comes up was astonishing because I have seen so many movies with great potential crippled by an insistence on PG-13 ratings and family friendly fare. It would be so much better to make a more risky movie with sharp humor. The film will be more honest and true, and whatever box office you lose out on because of the children you will make up for in rentals when those kids get old enough to rent the movie on their own. Why is it that so many people still watch Animal House? Because they made their jokes and didn't apologize for it. Not that Land of the Lost is as good as Animal House, I'm just using it as an example.

But movie execs don't think this way, so i am dreading seeing the final product when it comes out on June 5th. Will it have the adult humor or will it be a bland, neutered piece designed to appeal to the largest and least specific market possible? I'm afraid I know the answer already.

-LA

Let the Right One In: Twilight For Grown Ups

Langdon's movie recommendation for the week is Let The Right One In - a vampire film from Sweden. The film is just your typical boy-meets-girl, boy-gets-beaten-up-by-bullies, girl's-live-in-boyfriend-slaughters-innocent-civillians-to-cure-her-vampire-bloodlust, boy-and-girl-form-bond-against-the-cruel-society movie. In other words, it's Ingmar Bergman meets John Carpenter.

As the title of the post suggests, this is the teen angst film that Twilight was supposed to be, only done right. It has gloomy and oppressive scenery, filmed during winter storms with dark colors. It is simultaneously creepy and touching. You feel the kids in the film really form a bond. Plus, there is no silly old timey baseball scene like in other teenage vampire movies that shall remain nameless.

And get a load of that messed up girl in the photo. The violence is shown in ample amounts but it does not seem exaggerated (the way the American remake will be, no doubt). There is enough to satisfy my typical American male bloodlust, but enough is shown off screen to leave it to the imagination and make the film truly scary.

If you are the sort of person who is more afraid of subtitles than vampires, this film may not be for you. Everyone else: check it out.

-LA

Ridley Scott's Commercial Against National Debt

Here is an amusing commercial from 1987. It is directed by Ridley Scott and features some of the same Bladerunner type atmosphere we have come to expect from a dystopian future. Notice how deficit spending has brought about nuclear winter so everything is really dusty.

In the future, all of the kids execute their elders in a Children of the Corn type military coup, for the crime of running up the national debt to an astonishing 2 trillion dollars! Chump change nowadays, but the kids are pissed off just the same.

-LA

"I Love You, Man" review turns into a short rant on Buster Keaton

"I Love You, Man" review turns into a short rant on Buster Keaton
by Langdon Auger

In the middle of trying to write a humorous review for I Love You, Man I came to two conclusions. First, I can’t make a review that is any funnier than that movie. Go see it. You’ll be telling everyone you “slap da’ bass” for the next several weeks.

Second, I have a more pressing desire to push a personal favorite director of mine. Through a fortunate series of events I found myself hitting the Buster Keaton section of my Netflix Queue just as I started reading a biography of the silent film director called Tempest in a Pork Pie Hat. (I had to justify the book to myself as legitimate research for my dissertation topic. I live a lie.)

Buster Keaton was one of the most famous silent comedians, along with Charlie Chaplin and Harold Lloyd. He got his start working with comedian Roscoe “Fatty” Arbuckle who was most famous for his girth, his mugging for the camera, his flair for visual gags, and his lurid murder trial that subsequently ruined his career. Keaton was the sidekick turned star and was famous for his flat hat, his stone faced stare, and his extreme athleticism. For those of you who are Jackie Chan fans (like me), he references Buster Keaton as one of his main influences. So the frenetic and often times humorous action sequences from Rumble in the Bronx have their origin in these early shorts and features.

Perhaps his best movie is The General. While other comedians made their name with their slapstick, Keaton was famous for having more emotional driven comedies. This film flopped as a result but it is now regarded as his best. It has some death defying sequences on a moving train, performed without any safety precautions whatsoever. Keaton famously told his cameramen “keep filming unless I die.” I watched this in a college classroom and modern day action-film-inspired students were gasping in awe at some of the stunts.

Also check out Sherlock Jr. if you want to see some camera trickery that predates blue screen or advanced editing techniques. Keaton was quite the innovator.

Anyone remember the episode of Arrested Development where Buster is trying to get out of the army and he jumps on front of the model house as it crashes down around him? Keaton performed the stunt with a fully built house in Steamboat Bill, Jr. He had two inches of clearance protecting him from certain death.

So put some of his movies on your queue, you won’t regret it.

-LA

Pink Flamingos: A Forgotten Film I Wish Had Stayed Forgotten

Pink Flamingos: A Forgotten Film I Wish Had Stayed Forgotten
Langdon Auger

I thought I understood John Waters. I thought he was a funny counter cultural guy. I had seen his films Hairspray and Crybaby and thought they were kitschy fun throwback films that reveled in poor taste. He even did a voice on The Simpsons. But then Pink Flamingos arrived on my Netflix queue. Gone are the notions of the mischievous gay man pointing out the foibles of mainstream society. In its place is me, a shattered human being who is still trying to come to terms with what he saw.

Many of my friends had told me about this film and all they could bring themselves to say was “Divine eats dog poop.” After having seen this movie I begin to wonder about some of my friends. Why is that the scene that is so memorable?

When the movie begins there are pregnant women in the basement being used as baby farms for lesbian couples, a man having sex with a chicken, rape, toe licking, a grandma forced to live in a cage, and a sister watching her brother have sex. That's when I turned the movie off.

Later there is cannibalism, twitching buttholes, and castrations (as related to me by my roommate who finished the film). Maybe because I didn’t see it, but I can’t understand why the dog crap scene is so well remembered. Never did any of my friends tell me about the rest of the film. I think aside from the fact that it was real there is very little reason to claim it as the most outrageous scene in the movie.

Even though I could not finish the film, it is quite admirable. Or maybe because I could not finish the film it is admirable. Let’s not pretend that I am a prude. I am a proud fan of South Park and I love Dave Attell’s standup comedy. This film elevates filth to an entirely different level that for lack of a better word can be called art.

When you look at “degenerate” movies today they just pale in comparison. John Waters makes those guys from MTV’s Jackass look like little 12 year old girls with skinned knees. I thought I knew what degeneracy was, but then I saw Pink Flamingos.

I think I will go pray now.

-LA

Man Dong vs. Naked Breasts (if this title doesn't get us more hits then I'm all out of ideas)

Man Dong vs. Naked Breasts
Langdon Auger

As a fan of the graphic novel I have to give the film adaptation of Watchmen a passing grade. It could have been better, and apparently if you haven’t read the graphic novel it doesn’t make much sense. But I can think of a worse way to spend three ass numbing hours in a movie theater (check out some of my previous posts, I won’t rehash it here).

The changes to the story were minimal and in a sense worked a little better. I have heard some criticism of the film for being racist and sexist, which I feebly defend by saying those elements were in the graphic novel and show how these “heroes” are merely advanced fascists. Overall I give the movie a B-minus, maybe a B if the Watchmen come to office hours and appeal the grade.

But now for the important question on everyone’s mind. Does the overlong and embarrassing sex scene make up for the multiple shots of glowing-blue man dong? Let’s begin by looking at the facts.

The sex scene offers a nice respite from the glowing-blue man dong after about an hour and a half of seeing it on screen. You have a naked lady and a small bit of man ass. But, rather than being a welcome respite, the sex scene gets dragged out to an uncomfortable level. So when you go see this movie with your childhood preacher or your 80 year old grandma, you might have some explaining to do.

On the other hand, the glowing-blue man dong is a glowing blue man dong. There is no getting around that simple fact. And as if that weren’t enough the character can duplicate himself, meaning more than one man dong on screen at a time. Also at play is the childhood preacher/80 year old grandma variable. But, might a graphic onscreen depiction of male genitalia counterbalance some of the claims to misogyny? Or should this even matter?

“To gaze at the glowing-blue man dong or not to gaze at the glowing blue man dong? That is the question.” Does it mean I am mature enough to enjoy an adult style of entertainment, or does it mean I am simply willing to put up with it in return for the naked lady? Perhaps the comments section will provide some relevant insight to this perplexing question.

-LA

An Inglourious (Basterds) Pledge

An Inglourious (Basterds) Pledge
Langdon Auger

I have finally seen the trailer for Quentin Tarantino's Inglorious Bastards. It's official. I can now say that this is the movie for which I am the most excited. Check it out.



In the spirit of those not-at-all-obnoxious-or-arrogant "I pledge" videos put together by Hollywood celebrities, I want to lay all of my attitudes towards this film on the table.


I pledge…


…that I will put this Curious Case of Benjamin Button mess behind me before I walk into the theater. True, both movies star Brad Pitt. And it is also true that both movies have Brad Pitt doing a southern accent which I made sure to ridicule in my previous Button post. But based on absolutely nothing, I contend that this movie will be different. I forswear any latent animosity and resolve to judge this movie based solely on its own merits.

…that I will not judge Eli Roth's starring role in the film. Even though he is a director and not a real actor. And even though he is buddies with Tarantino which pretty much assured him a role. And even though those Hostel movies are a lower level of film making than I am willing to acknowledge. As long as you are knocking some Nazi heads with baseball bats I will give you a chance.

…that I will not hold it against Quentin Tarantino that I still am not able to buy a box set of the Kill Bill movies. It has been over five years since the first one debuted and all I am able to buy is a wimpy single disc edition of both movies. Where is the double disc, edited together masterpiece I have been promised? The extended House of Blue Leaves fight scene? New Japanese anime back stories for Oren Ishii? I am hearing a lot of talk from you Tarantino and not seeing a whole lot of results. Even though I would rather you focus on putting the finishing touches on Kill Bill than move on to a new movie, I pledge that I will see Inglourious Basterds without bringing in my own frustration at the gaping hole in my DVD collection between the letter J and the letter L.

…that Mike Myers's previous embarrassing roles in Shrek 3 and The Love Guru will not prevent me from enjoying this movie. I will only remember Wayne's World (the first one), Austin Powers (also the first one), and Shrek (again the first one). I will also welcome seeing him in a different sort of role, moving away from the manic comic characters with which he has been so successful and so hated.

…that even though the movie is produced by The Weinstein Company I will not let my strong attitudes over the most recent Oscar race affect my judgment of the film. I mean after all, it's not like The Reader was a worse film than The Dark Knight and got nominated because of the shameless Oscar baiting of Weinstein and the blue hairs in the Academy who can't bring themselves to vote for a popular summer movie and instead choose another ridiculous holocaust flick. No, it couldn't possibly be that.

…that despite the August 21 release date, I will not hold the end of the summer downturn in Hollywood movies against the film. Even though it will be facing such grade "A" Hollywood schlock such as G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra and Final Destination: Death Trip 3D, I will have my ticket in my hand on opening day and I will be prepared to enjoy what should be the best movie of the summer.

Now don't screw it up QT. My patience is limited. And get me Kill Bill.

-LA