Los Angeles Metblog featuring Wil Wheaton

If you're not familiar with Metblogs (and stubbornly refuse to click links on websites with "Brothel" in their name) they are one of those multi-blogger sites where a bunch of people chime in on a shared topic. On Metblogs people blog about their city. (In case you couldn't tell by its name)

Sounds boring, right?

Actually, it is. Mostly.

On the Los Angeles site (LA.Metblogs.com) there are a predictable number of postings on traffic, sushi, but other shout outs to things like the LA Auto Show - not what you'd expect from a city filled with hipster bloggers, m-i-rite?

That's because LA Metblogs has so much more than hipsters.

It also has movie stars.

That is, if you consider Wil Wheaton a movie star. Which of course, we here at The Brothel, proudly do. Wesley Crusher? Gordie from Stand by Me? Wheaton - if you've been following him (and I know you have, don't lie) - has truly gone where no man has gone before, transitioning from actor to blogger to author, and consistently dabbling in all three.


Don't believe me? Check Wil Wheaton's Blog that is far more popular than The Brothel or even LA Metblog.*

I know what you're thinking - how much did Wil Wheaton pay you to write this?

Answer: Nothing. Not everyone in LA is friends with a celebrity.

But didn't you say you were friends with that guy from Harold and Kumar?

Yeah, okay, everyone in LA has ONE celebrity friend; but Wil ain't mine.

Unless Kal keeps ignoring my calls. Then you never know.

-KV


* Google Rankings: WilWheaton.net = 6; LA.Metblog.com = 3; TheLiteraryBrothel.com = 4. Seriously...

Los Angeles Driver Quiz

L.A. DRIVER QUIZ

Are you a Los Angeles driver? Take this convenient quiz and find out!


1. When merging onto the freeway, you do which of the following:
a. Signal
b. Check Blind Spot
c. Adjust the radio
d. Put on a fresh layer of eyeliner, call agent, get secretary, chew that bitch out for a while because that’s what she gets paid 7$ an hour for, hang up, brake for no reason, laugh out loud, look around to see if anyone is notices how glamorous you look when laughing, merge.

2. What do you use turn signals for?
a. To accompany Eminem as the lost beat in “Lose Yourself”
b. Fun. {click, click, click}
c. What are these “turn signals” of which you speak?
d. My ass looks sexy in these pants.

3. What’s the speed limit on the freeway?
a. 65 mph
b. 70 mph
c. 1.21 giggawatts
d. Industry standard.

4. The Metro-Bus…
a. is a viable, economic, and environmentally-friendly alternative to driving your own.
b. is something I have heard of, but never ridden.
c. is a slow ass, road-hogging, box of metal poo.
d. goes to Mexico, I think.
e. is for losers.

5. Pedestrians…
a. make good hood ornaments.
b. need to step back on the curb.
c. should only exist between the valet and the club entrance.
d. do not exist. Nobody walks in LA. There is a reason a song was written with that title – because it’s true. Like all songs.

6. Which of the following intersections have a protected turn arrow?
a. Sepulveda and Wilshire
b. Santa Monica Boulevard and Sawtelle
c. 1st and Flower
d. What is this “protected turn arrow” of which you speak?

7. When is it legal to make a U-turn?
a. At an intersection with a traffic light.
b. When a parking spot across the street opens up.
c. When it feels right.
d. Whenevs.

8. What should you say never say to a police officer in order to get out of a ticket?
a. Sorry officer, this is my daddy’s car – I’m not used to driving such an expensive and fast automobile. My BMW is in the shop, and I swear I only drive the speed limit in it.
b. Is it true that all cops are gay?
c. Which way to the terrorist convention?
d. I’m a serious blogger, and if you give me a ticket, I will blog about you and list your name on my blog, and everyone will know that Sergeant Michaels of the West Los Angeles Division of the LAPD is an asshole. I swear I’ll do it. Please stop laughing and writing that ticket…


So are you an LA Driver? If you answered "a," "b," "c," or "d," to any of the questions above, it doesn’t mean much of anything. Just like driving in LA, there is no system – you’re on your own.

In other words, who knows? Just stay the hell out of my way.

-KV

I Shadow Box Naked But My Shadow Has Shorts On

I thought of the name of this post while in the shower, NOT while shadow boxing naked.

Or did I?

(Not sure, actually. That's a real question. If you know the answer, well, I have two questions for you. 1. How the hell do you that? 2. You seem to know a lot. Can you help me find my keys? In the drawer, why would they be...oh, you're right. Never mind.)

This post is a return to the form of a true rant. What is a true rant? Specifically, it's when you riff on one topic, land on something that reminds you of something else you hate, at which point you switch to that topic, and go off on that. Generally, it's a bunch of complaining. When that complaining is combined with a lot of grammatical mistakes it is referred to as a blog.

But this is not a blog.

[Transition to rant about blogs]

How is this different from a blog?

Well, a blog can be, "look at my pictures from my weekend!" followed by twenty pictures you did not ask to see (but still enjoy looking at! Seriously, friends, seriously.)

A blog also might also read like a laundry-list of activities, juxtaposed with thoughts from those activities.

"Today I took the dog for a walk, and was thinking that man, I should do this more often! When the dog poops outdoors, it is SO much easier to clean up!"

Yes, cheap joke, but stay with me - we're ranting about blogs.

The complex blogger might go even further, and get a bit post-modern in his or her entry, acknowledging the role of the reader, such as:

"You might be thinking, hey stupid, you should have known about the pooping patterns of dogs BEFORE you purchased that animal. What can I say? I'm from the City."

I have no idea if the "the" in "the City" is supposed to be capitalized, and I refuse to look it up in this context - a reference to San Francisco.

[Transition...]

To this day, I honestly get confused when someone calls Frisco "the city." Since my mid-twenties, I have been a stickler for people using the appropriate or nearly appropriate, or a closely accurate words to describe specific things. I don't know if it's just getting old, or I don't want to assume I know what people mean when they say something vague, like "the city."

You're going where? Oh, SF. Why didn't you just say so? You know, there are lots of cities. In fact, San Jose AND San Diego have more people than San Fran. Look it up. It's true.

The OTHER thing I deplore about San Francisco is the disdain for Los Angeles. I suppose it isn't representative of the entire city, and so I shouldn't characterize it as such. But man, when you're in the city by the bay, and you mention you're from LA, watch out. Here are some things people - who I don't know very well, but have reason to be polite to - ie: they're friends with my friend who lives up in Nor Cal - have said when they find I'm from LA.

"Is it hard to breathe down there?"

"Do you like, drive a lot?"

"How are the movie stars?"

"Do you ever get sick of the superficiality?"

"What's your screenplay about?"

The answers:

No.
No.
Cool.
No.
A romantic comedy between a strict parking enforcement agent and a girl who breaks all the rules.

At least, that's what one of them is about.

-KV