How to convert your PC into a Mac

Buy a Mac.

Seriously.

-Klaus

(Is that bad joke really the post for the day?)

(Yep! See ya Thursday!)

Books to Read in 2010

Klaus Varley

As I'm sure you recall from my New Year's Resolution Post, I, Klaus Varley, vowed to read a book of fiction each and every month of 2010. I've already picked out a book for January (Dune), and instead of doing anything productive this New Year's Eve, I thought I'd do one of my favorite procrastination exercises: make a list.

And so, what follows is a list of books that I swear I'm going to read in 2010 because either it's a "classic" or I bought at a library sale and it has been sitting on my bookcase ever since. (Twenty-five cents? Hell yes, I'll take it.)

Here we go!

(Month - Book - What I've heard)

Jan - Dune - "This is like, the best science fiction book ever." -Parker Briggsmore

Feb - Dragon Seed - "Pearl S. Buck's best work." - Random Amazon Reviewer

March - Sense and Sensibility - "I've only read it twenty times." - My girlfriend

April - Consider the Lobster - "This is a good intro to David Foster Wallace." - English Grad Student who thinks I need introductions to things. (Also in April, Lolita - one of the two books I attempt to reread once a year. The other is The Great Gatsby - see October.)

May - Liar's Poker - "Michael Lewis is one of my favorite authors." - Kyle, attorney, San Francisco, CA

June - The Grapes of Wrath - "You haven't read The Grapes of Wrath? Really?" - My dad

July - Infinite Jest - "Challenging." - More intelligent coworker

August - Red Harvest - "Hammett, Chandler...those guys can write." - Teddy Nutmeg

Sept - The Diamond Age - "This is the best science fiction book ever." - Parker Briggsmore

Oct -The Plot Against America - "This reminds me of your dissertation." - Concerned friend. Also in October, The Great Gatsby, though this is the last rereading for a while - other books need to be reread too.

Nov - The Heart of the Matter - "You're right, Graham Greene a great writer." - Klaus's sister.

Dec - War and Peace - "A classic." - Everyone

And anything else you recommend. I guess.

-KV

First Spinning Class: Jumps

Klaus Varley

The instructor is a 40 year old woman with .04% body fat. Klaus Varley is a 30 something year old man-child with more than .04% body fat. (But you probably knew that already.)

The hour-long class has just begun. It's nearly empty, the music is loud, and Klaus pedals fast, ignoring instructions to "turn his level up," whatever that means.

"Is your level up?" says the instructor.

"What?" says Klaus, confused that he has been singled out, but also truthfully, because as previously stated, the music is loud.

The instructor points to the lever knob on her bike and motions up with her thumb. Klaus returns her gesture, giving the instructor a thumbs up.

"You're pedaling too fast. Turn your level up."

Klaus yells a bright "OK!" to get into the mood of the class. He reaches down and twists the knob on his bike a couple of sharp turns to the right. Or at least, that's what it looks like. Because it's his first class, Klaus doesn't want to overdo it, so instead of turning up his level, he feigns the motion, and pedals slower, as if struggling with the greater resistance added to the bike.

"Okay class, get ready for jumps!"

Klaus looks down at his bike: stationary. Very stationary. He looks around the room: four people, four stationary bikes. The he looks to the instructor on her stationary bike and thinks, "This should be challenging."

"Go!"

The instructor pops up, standing and pedaling furiously. (This should have been clarified int the beginning - whenever I mention the instructor, it should be assumed she is pedaling furiously.) After eight counts of the chorus of "Cannonball" by The Breeders, she sits back down. The rest of the class does the same. Klaus soon joins in.

"Alright!" he exclaims, his breath quickening, sweat seeping through his shirt.

"You're getting the hang of it," says the instructor, mid "jump."

"What?" yells Klaus, half jokingly. He heard her, he just wants to hear it again. She gives him another look.

"Don't wear yourself out. We've still got fifty-five minutes to go."

Klaus blinks hard, and turns the level down on his bike.

-TLB

10 Last Minute Gift Ideas

Klaus Varley

Don't know what to get mom this year? Forgot to buy that wacky aunt a gift? (To be fair, you're still not sure if she's Jewish.) Luckily, The Literary Brothel is here to help.

10 Last Minute Gift Ideas

10. Your Old Computer If your relative is John McCain, or voted for John McCain, they'll never know the difference.
9. Knives Always come in handy. Especially the sharp kind.
8. Godel, Escher, Bach I know you have it on your shelf. I also know you're never going to read it.
7. A Kitten Be careful in wrapping - apparently they need air holes.
6. Blue Crush DVD Why do you have that movie, anyway? Give it away. Wrap it in Styrofoam if you want it to look "new."
5. Pens Always come in handy. Especially the kind with ink.
4. A Magazine Subscription Just when you thought these were all going to be joke ideas.
3. Las Vegas Cocktail Waitress Oops, that was so last year. If you haven't bought anything for Tiger yet, I'm sure a blog post showing your support would be plenty.
2. Donation to The Literary Brothel in their Name Support the local arts. (We're now based every city...via the internet...sort of.) For more info, email literarybrothel@gmail.com.
1. Health Insurance Seriously.

Hope that helps!

And Happy Holidays from all of us here at The Literary Brothel. Including team Blue Crush.



-KV

Avatar Spoilers!

Klaus Varley

-- Caution! This post contains spoilers! Thus the title. --

-- Warnings over. Let the spoilers begin! --

Avatar is in 3D Oh, you knew that? The woman sitting next to us apparently did not, fumbling with her glasses through the opening and leaving the theater after fifteen minutes.

The planet Pandora and the music website Pandora are not the same thing This was obvious to some.

The trees are alive But unlike in The Lord of the Rings, they're more like middle managers, getting animals to do most of their grunt work.

Jake Sully is half robot Oops, wrong movie.

Bows and arrows don't work against space ships Except in the end, when they do. I guess Jake taught the Na'vi how to shoot really hard or something.

Your avatar can have sex But it's VERY unclear how this works, exactly.

Michelle Rodriguez looks hot in war paint WHY she puts on war paint when none of the other humans do is another question.

You don't die if your avatar dies You just wake up coughing.

They should have sent Al Gore to Pandora instead of Ripley With that gun, I'm not surprised the Na'vi didn't trust her.


Seriously.

-KV

Live Blogging from the Santa Monica Library

Klaus Varley

Right now I'm sitting at a table in the main branch (is that what they call it?) of the Santa Monica Library typing on my computer, thinking how clever it is to be typing exactly what I'm doing, and wondering why I don't do this more often.

The answer to that will come shortly. I can feel it.

I glance ahead at the guy at the table in front of me, and notice that his shirt is blue - I mean REALLY blue. He probably thinks my eyes are just randomly searching the library, and in a sense he's right, but in another sense no, he's not right, I'm writing about his shirt and he probably would NEVER guess that I'm writing about his shirt. Unless of course, he put on that shirt with expressly that purpose.

"I'm going to wear this blue shirt, go the library, and give some blogger who is looking around the room something to write about."

First off, man, this isn't a blog. Well, THIS entry is blog-like, but most of the other pieces are planned expressions of creative writing. (As I write this, I begin to realize that the line has blurred between what is or isn't a blog these days, and that some blogs have elevated the word "blog" so that it's not even a bad thing.)

Then my phone rings.

And by "rings" I mean "vibrates."

It's the car dealership. My car is...not ready? They need to replace the battery? 300 bucks? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

I gotta call them back.

Blogging over.

I mean, creative observations.

Over.

-KV

ps. As I pack my things, the guy in the blue shirt is watching Susan Boyle's performance of "I Dreamed a Dream" on his laptop. How do I know this if he is facing me? Because I can hear it blasting out of his computer speakers, and his eyes are a little misty.

Seriously.

Tiger Woods's Ten Best Pick-Up LInes

Klaus Varley

The jokes are arriving a little late, as the media - and everyone we know - are slowly diverting their attention away from Woods to petty updates about the health care bill and global warming. Oh well, cant' say we didn't try. -TLB

10. Hi, I'm Tiger Woods.
9. Want to see my driver?
8. By "driver," I mean my "golf driver," not my chauffeur.
7. By "golf driver" I mean my penis.
6. Nice hair. I've never dated a blond before.
5. Can I use five of my billion dollars to buy you a drink?
4. I can make you famous. That is, if you sleep with me and/or save my voice mails and text messages.
3. Did you know Tigers can make love for ten hours at a time? Yes, I did make that up.
2. Fore!...some. Thoughts?
1. Just do me.

-KV

ps. Below is on of the pics of Tiger Woods' wife Elin Nordegren that has guys across the nation doing the "what was he thinking?" scratch of their heads.


..
.

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions for 2010

Klaus Varley

Yes, it IS early to start making resolutions for next year, but guess what? That's all part of the plan. See my Facebook status:

"KV is getting a jump on his new year's resolutions because he thinks that was one of last year's resolutions, but isn't sure because he didn't write them down...speaking of which, the first new resolution just came to him."

Clever? Boy, I'd like to think so. I'm still waiting for a comment, though, or at least a thumbs up. C'mon thumbs up(s)! Why are my friends not on Facebook at 1am? What do I have 300 friends for anyway?

While we're waiting, let's make some resolutions for next year, and make that status update come true.

To get some ideas, I looked up common New Year's resolutions, which seem to more or less follow this pattern:

1. Stop smoking
2. Get Fit
3. Lose Weight
4. Enjoy Life More
5. Quit Drinking
6. Get Organized
7. Learn Something New
8. Get Out of Debt
9. Spend more time with the Family
10. Help Others

Boring! Get organized? Learn something? C'mon! And repetitive! Numbers 1, 2, 3, and 5 are all about diet and exercise. Sheesh. We can do better than that.

Klaus Varley's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

1. Write down resolutions or post them online (check).
2. Learn Chinese. (Or at least 10 Chinese words a week. That's 500 words a year!)
3. Beat Parker in a triathlon and win a Wii off his slow, trash-talking face.
4. Write a page a day on that freakin' book I started this year, you know that one, oh you don't? Check it out.
5. Read a book of fiction every month. Plan in advance. Carry that damn book with you. January is Dune. ("You haven't read Dune, Klaus?" That's why I'm reading a book a month, so I won't have to answer questions like "You haven't read --title of book everyone but me has read--?")
6. Listen to 30 minutes of Spanish every day. Speak a little.
7. Time your internet usage. Stay away from YouTube. It is the devil.
8. Stop using cliches in your writing.
9. Jump the shark.
10. Make 2011's resolutions in November.

So those are not completely unlike the popular resolutions, and a few of them deal with "learning something new," but at least they're more specific.

And if I've learned anything from past resolutions, it's that being specific - and not talking around things - is the most important part. Otherwise, such declarations that may have significance in the early part of the year, may or may not retain that significance as we move through certain, unspecified months.

Seriously.

-KV

Ten Thanksgiving Things to be Thankful For

Klaus Varley

10. Turkey

9. Indians

8. I mean, Pilgrims
7. I also mean "turkey" the animal not "Turkey" the country
6. Stuffing
5. Biscuits
4. Prime Rib
3. Family, loved ones, blah blah blah
2. After dinner Rock Band that includes singing "So Lonely" by The Police.
1. Pie

Especially pecan.

Seriously.

-KV

Klaus in Taiwan - The Flight, Part II

Klaus Varley

For Part I, see the post that came before this one. Or click here.

Please Note: You might think that since this is the second part of the post on the flight, it would be about the flight back. You would be wrong. The flight TO Taiwan took 14 hours. That warrants two posts, don't you think?

Also Please Note: It actually doesn't matter what you answer to the previous question. Here's another post about the flight to Taiwan.

--The Flight Part II--

4am - Woke up from my night's sleep a.k.a. 2.5 hour nap.

4:30am - Opened eyes.

5am - Realized it was actually 8pm.

8:01 pm - Asked L if she knew it was actually 8pm. Turns out she knew.

8:35 pm - Pong.

9:35 pm - Beverage.

10:00 pm - Bathroom.

10:34 pm - Returned to seat.

10:45 pm - Realized there was only an hour left of the flight. Decided to do some reading.

10:46 pm - One more game of Pong.

10:58 pm - Reading.

11:30 pm - Lights of Taiwan show up in window. Reading ends. Glad I brought TWO books.

11:55 pm - Arrive in Taiwan! Plan the lie to get through Customs. "No, I did NOT know my passport shouldn't expire for at least six month." Can say it well in English, but sucks in Chinese.

Next up: Customs!

Seriously.

-KV

Klaus in Taiwain - The Flight

Klaus Varley

What the hell do you do on a 14 hour flight? That's what I wanted to know. And now I DO know. And so will you, if you continue reading.

We left in the afternoon. By "we" I mean "L" and me.

4:50 - Miracle of propelling a multi-ton metal box containing hundreds of people into the air achieved....ie: plane takes off, no one appreciates miracle. Feel a little like Jesus surrounded by disbelievers.

5:30 - L wants to start Year One simultaneously so we laugh at the same time. I anticipate problems with this, but go along.

6:30 - The problems have set in: Year One sucks. Now bored, I nearly turn the movie off. L is more patient. We will watch until the end.

6:59 - Movie paused. :)

7:00 - Food served by ultra-thin, Chinese stewardess in a lime green uniform.

7:01 - Movie resumed. :(

7:15 - Year One ends! Consider joke relating the length of the movie to the title. Save it for the blog.

8:15 - Trays cleared by fast moving Chinese stewardess in lime green uniform.

8:20 - Strange video games discovered on seat screen-console. Connect-4 seems to go by another name. Pong remains the same.

9:30 - Lights out. Only A-holes remain up with their personal lights or TV screens blaring in the eyes of other people. Or at least, that's what the looks of other passengers seem to say.

10:00 - Alright, alright, I'll turn my screen off.

10:02 - Turn screen off and attempt to sleep. Pong sucks anyway.

10:03 - Realize I have to go to the bathroom. Woman in the aisle sleep looks asleep - but is anyone REALLY asleep?

10:20 - Yep, she is.

10:25 - Try to sleep.

1:00 - Notice the woman shuffle. An eye opens. Caught! I'm up.

1:05 - Waiting for bathroom next to a draped off room where a group of Chinese, lime green stewardesses have congregated.

1:08 - Realize they're called "flight attendants," not "stewardesses."

1:09 - Realize I should probably start thinking about what people and things are called in Chinese.

1:10 - Older woman joins me waiting for the bathroom.

1:12 - Realize I don't know how to say, "bathroom" in Chinese.

1:15 - Bathroom opens up. I let the older woman go before me, much to her amazement...and mine.

1:16 - I go to another bathroom. Apparently I chose the only bathroom with a line.

1:20 - Back to seat to attempt to sleep.

1:30 - Drifting into unconsciously, I realize we've been flying over the Pacific Ocean for 9 hours and wonder what they would have thought about this 150 years ago.

1:31 - Fall asleep thinking about time machines.

...

Tune in Thursday for the exciting conclusion of "Klaus in Taiwan - The Flight!" I promise big surprises.


Seriously.

-KV

Jet Lag is Crazy

Which is why the only post today will be this one, telling you how crazy jet lag is.

Tune in next week for posts about Taiwan. Yes, with pictures! (Or video? Check back Tuesday and see!)

-KV

Sure, it's really Tuesday

Reader comments to the contrary, this post really is on time...it really is Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009. We would never fail to update on a regular basis.

Alright, back to Taiwan stuff. Because we're still in Taiwan doing Taiwanese things.

Seriously.

-KV

Klaus Varley in Taiwan, Day 1

Klaus Varley

If you didn't know before you read the title to this blog, I am in Taiwan. I'll be writing about it and posting pictures, and hopefully it'll be very funny and only slightly racist, and not the other way around.

If this blog ends after this sentence, it means I haven't figured out how to get online, or I DID figure out how to get online, but got lost amidst the confusion and jet lag and forgot to post. (In other words, I'm not really in Taiwan while I'm writing these words, but by the time you read this I will be.)*




---
* Parentheticals do not count as additional sentences. Nor do starred footnotes.

The Literary Brothel vs Love the Cock

I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend who heard it from another you've been messin' around.

-REO Speedwagon

Though we have about 5 followers on Twitter, one of them is @ShannonAlbert* (you may recall Shannon from this post**) who recently informed us that Jeff Lundquist or whomever bought www.TheLiteraryBrothel.com linked it to a porn site for a brief period of time.***

I was confused by this, as now the www.theliterarybrothel.com goes straight to GoDaddy.com. Today, however, while running our weekly (not really) Google search for "literary brothel" the first result was a bit surprising: www.lovethecock.com

Love the Cock
www.lovethecock.com

Could this be a site for poultry lovers and foodies? Um, no. As porn sites do, "Love the Cock" quickly dispels all mystery with bare description:

"FREE GAY PORN MOVIES & GAY SEX VIDEOS XXX TUBE"

First of all, we had no idea there was an XTube AND a double-X Tube LET ALONE a triple-X Tube. Vin Diesel should be proud.

Second, why would a search for "literary brothel" lead visitors to a gay porn site? The only reason we can come up with is that Jeff Lundquist or someone at National Contact Registry linked us to it. Perhaps they were upset that the third result in a search for "National Contact Registry" finds our subtly titled piece: National Contact Registry Can Suck It.

Or maybe it was an accident?

Maybe we'll never now.

Meanwhile, when Googling "literary brothel," avoid clicking that "I'm feeling lucky" button.

Unless you're ready to see a lot of cock.

Seriously.

-KV

---

* Names on Twitter are written with an @ sign before them. This causes mass confusion at first, followed quickly by mass boredom.

** The National Contact Registry is the group who bought the domain www.theliterarybrothel.com when we failed to immediatly renue it, and then illegally continued to post material published material from our site. If you clicked the link up there, then these words you're reading probably seem quite repetitious.

*** Sorry about all the links. And the stars.

In the News

Klaus Varley

It's not as if it's late on a Tuesday night and we promised to update every Tuesday and Thursday so we're pulling the headlines from Google News and making jokes about them. No, it's not like that at all. -KV

GOP's Snowe shaped health bill before backing it Allegedly, Snowe folded the papers into a swan, trying out the origami recently learned from a YouTube video.

U.K. to Add Troops in Afghanistan In other news, U.K. to subtract troops from Buckingham Palace after realizing muskets and high stepping is really more of a distraction than protection.

Nobel panel defends decision to award peace prize to Obama The panel also wonders if you know who Martti Ahtisaari is. If not, shut the hell up about the damn prize.

Health Insurers Emerge as Obama's Top Foe Just edging out Bowser, who might be waiting in the next castle even though Obama already knocked him into the lava.

Michelle Obama Offers More Healthy Food Tips With this headline, Michelle Obama has now appeared in the news 183 more times than Laura Bush did her eight years in the same position. (What did Laura Bush ever promote?)

UCLA student charged with attempted murder in attack The bad joke around campus: "Biology is a tough major, but Chemistry is cutthroat."

A Historic Success In Military Recruiting This came as no surprise to the armed forces. The secret? Plant the seed early. Recruiters spotted handed out "Happy Deals" to unsuspecting kindergarteners who thought they were playing a fun contract game.

Why Rush Limbaugh Belongs In The NFL He can do the 40 in 4.4 when running the pharmacy to get more Oxycontin. And I hear he loves black people. LOVES them.


Seriously.

-KV

Best (Worst?) YouTube Names

Klaus Varley

The names below are culled from the comments section of the YouTube video, "Glenn Beck DESTROYS Richard Blumenthal, " which, after searching "Glenn Beck" on YouTube, was the first pro-Beck video to come up. The first seven or eight did not paint Beck in such a glowing light, and the commenter names weren't nearly as humorous.*

What's in a name? Everything. Okay, not "everything," but names say a little something about your personality - especially if you chose it yourself. Below are a collection of YouTube monikers followed by an educated guess about the character of the person behind the letters. -KV

---

nowhiteguilthere - Native American shaman.

FatLibertarian - Likes meat.

demdouches - Did not wait in line to see Capitalism: A Love Story

ilovethiscountry1 - Brazilian beach volleyball referee.

TheTruthHurts9999 - Has good teeth.

MissingGWdotcom - Didn't miss Bush when he was on vacation 42% of his time in office during the eight months leading up to 9/11.

TheLiberalssuckdick - Loves an old fashioned mix of conservatism and homophobia.

northernpatriot54 - Proud to be a Canadian.

mssedmebich - Good at dodging spelling classes.

anticheese - Lactose intolerant.

GreatSatan1 - Great at evil, bad at disguising motives.

chancellordumbfuck - A fan of contradictions.

tasha19862005 - Likes numbers.

punishobama - Into S&M.

chocolatefuckingmilk - Peter Pan.


-TLB

---
* Star.

The 10 Gayest Sports

In preparation for writing a random armchair theory piece about how hetero guys get their "gay out" by watching or participating in certain sports, here's our list of the ten gayest sports we could think of. -TLB

The 10 Gayest Sports (in no particular order of gayness)

1. Football
2. Wrestling (all kinds, except co-ed)
3. Water Polo
4. Bodybuilding
5. Rugby
6. Basketball
7. Soccer
8. Bobsledding
9. Grappling (see "Wrestling")
10. Arm Wrestling (see "Wrestling" but minus all parts of the body except for the arm)

An explanation to come. For now, discuss!

(Note: the word is "discuss," not "discus." "Discus" is definitely not gay. What's gay about throwing a disc?)


-KV

ps. The phrase "not that there's anything wrong with it" has been conspicuously omitted from the piece, due to its overuse in society since its airing on that Seinfeld show. However, consider it there in spirit, after anything you might consider remotely homophobic.

The Erronous Headlines of Google News

by Klaus Varley

Every now and then (and now and now and now) I procrastinate our "real" work by surfing the web and reading news headlines. Most of the time this constitutes heading over to Google News and finding the latest stories.

Because Google News updates so quickly, I imagine news services must regularly rush to release their latest breaking news. And in the rush comes some errors. Here are some we've collected here at The Brothel over, well, as you can see by the headlines, we've been doing this a while.

---

"Hearing on Franken absentee case set for Wedsesday"
-Associated Press

"Mile did not win best picture, though Sean Penn got a Best Actor Oscar for his portrayal of the 1970s era gay politician Harvey Milk."
-Associated Content, CO

"ABC News: Heath Ledger Wins Posthumopusly for 'Dark Night'"
-abcnews.go.com

"Will Gmail's outage make me think twice about Edu Apps?" There’sa very short answer here: No. Not for a second.
-ZDNet

"Star salsa dance teacer arrested in sexual assaults."
-Los Angeles Times

Obam Delivers Health-Care Speech at U-Md. Campus
Washington Post - Anne E. Kornblut - ‎16 minutes ago‎

Abdul channels degeneres at 'Divas Live'
-msnbc.com

---

Who the hell's Obam and why does he get to deliver health care speeches?

Seriously.

-TLB

Is it Tuesday Already?

A poem by Klaus Varley

These days

we update The Brothel on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Today

I totally forgot it was Tuesday

because of the holiday

weekend.

But then

I remembered:

bad poems

count as posts

and are easy

to write.

The only danger

is

they leave the reader

feeling somewhat

unsatisfied

even when

you throw in

an apology

at the end.

And so

I'm not going to

do that.

Seriously.

-KV