Misunderstandings with film, television and spirits:

Misunderstandings with film, television and spirits
Horace Worblehat

On Woody Allen Films Woody Allen films annoy me (even though they're good): Why? Why would I say anything bad about Woody Allen films ever? Why for god sakes? It’s because sometimes they make me feel stupid. There I said it. I have to stop pretending and just admit I don’t know half the references. Have your conversations about Freud Woody Allen and live your upper class Manhattan life you smarmy bastard, I’m going to read OK! Magazine and eat a tube of meat.

On Meade Meade got hyped up to me so much when I was a child. Whether it is from renaissance fairs, television or celebrities, I have been inundated with pro-Meade propaganda my entire life. Yet when I try Meade myself it was so disappointing. How can something that is both honey and wine be bad? I just don’t understand. Kids, stay off the Meade, say no to goblets.

On Road House and Point Break Apparently cleaning up a roughneck bar means murdering half the town. Also being an FBI agent who plays by his own set of rules may in fact garner results.

On the original Star Trek series The original Star trek series is lauded about a bit too much. Watch the first three episodes and you will see Spock speak into a post it note, Ohura sings for no reason in what appears to be a staff lounge, and George Takai as Sulu running around shirtless with a fencing sword and having the following strange conversation with his shipmate:

SULU: Don't know if it's this planet or what happened with Joe. I'm sweating like a bridegroom.


RILEY: Yeah, me too.


SULU: Hey, why don't you come down to the gym with me, Kevin m'lad?


RILEY: Now?


SULU: Why not? Light workout will take the edge off.


RILEY: Sulu, what about. Hey, Sulu, don't be a fool!

Bridgegroom? Gym? Light workout? M'lad? Why George Takai? Why?

On Daytime television I tried to watch Ellen because it won an Emmy and I could not watch an entire episode due to the following reasons; too much dancing, she is too nice, and homosexuals have tar not blood that run through their veins for the devil has crafted their sinful bodies as portals to hell. Scratch the last part and replace it with 'the pictures of cute animals she shows I can get online anyway.'

Seriously.

-HW

Use Duracell or your child will be Kidnapped

Welcome Horace Worblehat to The Literary Brothel! If readers are thinking that the name "Horace Worblehat" sounds fake, well, that's because it is. However, I assure you there is a real person behind the name, and that person is not me. Seriously. -KV

Use Duracell or your child will be Kidnapped
by Horace Worblehat

Watch this short clip:




What it means: if you do not purchase the correct batteries, your child will be taken from you while you are at the park so you have to options: buy Duracell or stop going to park.

This commercial brings up more questions than it answers. For example: where did the child get the red balloon? Why is he so happy with his red balloon? Can I have a balloon? Fuck him and his red balloon.

Also, is that woman really his mother, or just some lady using the child for drug smuggling purposes and that's why she has him hooked up to an expensive tracking device?

All of these questions have very disturbing answers. The child received the red balloon from the free red balloon man who gives free red balloons to all the children of the world. He has also been charged with - but never convicted of - pedophilia. I can’t have a red balloon because Free Red Balloon Man thinks I’m too old. Fuck him.

-HW