Interest in Phelps/Olympics Wanes

Now that Phelps is out of the pool, are the Olympics over?

Answer: Yes.

Well, not exactly, but it sure seems like it. It's as if the dramatic climax of the movie came half-way though, and now we have to watch a mediocre subplot carry the rest of the film.

But unlike a movie, in the Olympics you have your choice of subplots! Here are the four big ones, as far as I can tell:

Subplot 1 - That Jamaican guy runs fast

Subplot 2 - Racist pictures at the Olympics

Subplot 3 - Tibet, or protests, or something...

Subplot 4 - US Basketball Team set to kick some serious Bryant

I'm gonna follow subplot 4. You?

-KV

Ten Reasons Why Michael Phelps is an Asshole

Regular pieces have been put on hold during the Olympics, as The Literary Brothel has received more hits for "michael phelps asshole" than anything else in the history of the site. Yeah, even more than "naked boobies," although that's still very popular, along with "my girlfriend on a toilet seat."

So here's another piece with "Michael Phelps" and "asshole" in the title. Enjoy! -KV

Ten Reasons Why Michael Phelps is an Asshole
by Klaus Varley

10. He eats 12,000 calories a day and does not get fat. (Thanks LD for this link)

9. He never grows old.

8. He competed in his first Olympics at the age of 15. (Take that, Chinese Women's Gymnastics Team)

7. He breaks his own world records easier than I break my own CDs. (And I break my CDs really easily)

6. He can fly.

5. He is from Baltimore. (Like Omar)

4. He is a spokesman for MADD

3. He has "mad" skills in the pool.

2. His ability to receive text messages is unparalleled.

1. My girlfriend thinks he's cute.

...

Okay, so he might grow old "someday," and he can't technically "fly." But the rest of that stuff is true. Which means he's...kinda a decent guy?!? Wait, but my girlfriend thinks he's cute! Ef-Michael Phelps!

-KV

Six Olympic Sports With No Need For Instant Replay

Six Olympic Sports With No Need For Instant Replay

6. Sailing - Watch as the wind kicks up a gale - and moves the boat a bit faster.
5. Archery - There's the shot! Oh, it hit/missed.
4. Shooting - See Archery.
3. Cycling - Let's look at that again as the cyclist pedals faster.
2. Triathlon - She swims. She still swims. Oh, now she's biking (see cycling).
1. Rowing - Stroke. Stroke. Stoke. Win! Or lose. But no replay.

Not on the list: most track and field events. A given.

Enjoy the games!

-KV

Michael Phelps's Text Messages

Michael Phelps said today that he received "like a hundred text messages" after winning the gold in the 400-meter freestyle relay.

Using advanced technology* we here at The Literary Brothel intercepted the first of those text messages, and traced the numbers back to the senders. Yeah, I know, that's some "advanced" technology.

Here they are, in the order received:

"Big ups, Mike. I will buy your suit for one million dollars, as agreed." -Bill 'bad boy' Gates

"My dad wants to send you a text message congratulating you, but he can't figure out how. I'm gonna try to teach him. If not, well, good job, I guess." -Jenna Bush

"Dude, chicks dig gold medals. Let me wear one. Just for a night. I'll let you play my bongos." -Matthew McConaughey

"I JUST LEARNED HOW TO TEXT! WOO WOO!" -yer prez

"Congrats, man, but many medals do you need?" -Greg Louganis

"Did Greg just send you a text about winning too many medals and outshining former Olympians? Just remember, there are many of us, and one of you. And you can't hide in the water forever." -Mary Lou Retton on behalf of herself, Mark Spitz, Carl Lewis, Kerri Strug, and many, many others. We are everywhere.

"Nice strokes kid, but are you ready for the big time? See you in San Diego." -Shamu

"Congrats. Whatever Bill offered you for your suit, I'll double it." -Rupert Murdoch

"What I mean is, congratulations Michael. Your country is proud of you. When you get back to the states, your Uncle George will send over a congratulatory gallon of gas. Lol. Btw, did you know 'congratulatory' was a word? Connie taught me that one today. Anyways, gotta go." -GWB

"Your totally hot. Loves it." -Paris Hilton

Just after the text from Paris our advanced technology ran out of ideas. Oh well. As if Phelps needs more press...

-KV

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*known in some circles as the "imagination" machine