Tiger Woods's Ten Best Pick-Up LInes

Klaus Varley

The jokes are arriving a little late, as the media - and everyone we know - are slowly diverting their attention away from Woods to petty updates about the health care bill and global warming. Oh well, cant' say we didn't try. -TLB

10. Hi, I'm Tiger Woods.
9. Want to see my driver?
8. By "driver," I mean my "golf driver," not my chauffeur.
7. By "golf driver" I mean my penis.
6. Nice hair. I've never dated a blond before.
5. Can I use five of my billion dollars to buy you a drink?
4. I can make you famous. That is, if you sleep with me and/or save my voice mails and text messages.
3. Did you know Tigers can make love for ten hours at a time? Yes, I did make that up.
2. Fore!...some. Thoughts?
1. Just do me.

-KV

ps. Below is on of the pics of Tiger Woods' wife Elin Nordegren that has guys across the nation doing the "what was he thinking?" scratch of their heads.


..
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Top Ten New Year's Resolutions for 2010

Klaus Varley

Yes, it IS early to start making resolutions for next year, but guess what? That's all part of the plan. See my Facebook status:

"KV is getting a jump on his new year's resolutions because he thinks that was one of last year's resolutions, but isn't sure because he didn't write them down...speaking of which, the first new resolution just came to him."

Clever? Boy, I'd like to think so. I'm still waiting for a comment, though, or at least a thumbs up. C'mon thumbs up(s)! Why are my friends not on Facebook at 1am? What do I have 300 friends for anyway?

While we're waiting, let's make some resolutions for next year, and make that status update come true.

To get some ideas, I looked up common New Year's resolutions, which seem to more or less follow this pattern:

1. Stop smoking
2. Get Fit
3. Lose Weight
4. Enjoy Life More
5. Quit Drinking
6. Get Organized
7. Learn Something New
8. Get Out of Debt
9. Spend more time with the Family
10. Help Others

Boring! Get organized? Learn something? C'mon! And repetitive! Numbers 1, 2, 3, and 5 are all about diet and exercise. Sheesh. We can do better than that.

Klaus Varley's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

1. Write down resolutions or post them online (check).
2. Learn Chinese. (Or at least 10 Chinese words a week. That's 500 words a year!)
3. Beat Parker in a triathlon and win a Wii off his slow, trash-talking face.
4. Write a page a day on that freakin' book I started this year, you know that one, oh you don't? Check it out.
5. Read a book of fiction every month. Plan in advance. Carry that damn book with you. January is Dune. ("You haven't read Dune, Klaus?" That's why I'm reading a book a month, so I won't have to answer questions like "You haven't read --title of book everyone but me has read--?")
6. Listen to 30 minutes of Spanish every day. Speak a little.
7. Time your internet usage. Stay away from YouTube. It is the devil.
8. Stop using cliches in your writing.
9. Jump the shark.
10. Make 2011's resolutions in November.

So those are not completely unlike the popular resolutions, and a few of them deal with "learning something new," but at least they're more specific.

And if I've learned anything from past resolutions, it's that being specific - and not talking around things - is the most important part. Otherwise, such declarations that may have significance in the early part of the year, may or may not retain that significance as we move through certain, unspecified months.

Seriously.

-KV

Ten Thanksgiving Things to be Thankful For

Klaus Varley

10. Turkey

9. Indians

8. I mean, Pilgrims
7. I also mean "turkey" the animal not "Turkey" the country
6. Stuffing
5. Biscuits
4. Prime Rib
3. Family, loved ones, blah blah blah
2. After dinner Rock Band that includes singing "So Lonely" by The Police.
1. Pie

Especially pecan.

Seriously.

-KV

The 10 Gayest Sports

In preparation for writing a random armchair theory piece about how hetero guys get their "gay out" by watching or participating in certain sports, here's our list of the ten gayest sports we could think of. -TLB

The 10 Gayest Sports (in no particular order of gayness)

1. Football
2. Wrestling (all kinds, except co-ed)
3. Water Polo
4. Bodybuilding
5. Rugby
6. Basketball
7. Soccer
8. Bobsledding
9. Grappling (see "Wrestling")
10. Arm Wrestling (see "Wrestling" but minus all parts of the body except for the arm)

An explanation to come. For now, discuss!

(Note: the word is "discuss," not "discus." "Discus" is definitely not gay. What's gay about throwing a disc?)


-KV

ps. The phrase "not that there's anything wrong with it" has been conspicuously omitted from the piece, due to its overuse in society since its airing on that Seinfeld show. However, consider it there in spirit, after anything you might consider remotely homophobic.

Ten Ways to Lose Weight

Charlie Luzon

We know what you're thinking: "It's not Thursday, yet this post is dated Thursday." Really? It's not Thursday? Prove it. -TLB

Recently I've shed a few pounds by changing my diet and some things in my lifestyle. Though I'm not exactly sure which combination of things led to the weight loss, here are ten possible reasons - in the the form of instructions - in no particular order.

1. Stop Drinking Soda
2. Take a Spinning Class at least Once a Week
3. Eat Less Meat
4. Park Far From Your Job / Errands
5. Stop Drinking Sobe Energy Drinks (See #1)
6. Eat More Fruit
7. Eat More Vegetables
8. Lift Weights Twice a Week
9. Do Something Called an "Elliptical Machine" Twice a Week
10. Swim

Hope that helps.

-CL

PS. This may seem easy, but many of these things take time and effort and a new appreciation of things like vegetables, fruits, and non-refined sugars. Seriously.

The Literary Brothel's New Year's Resolutions

Because we're always looking forward, or at least WANT to always be looking forward (see Resolution #7), here is a list of all the things we at The Literary Brothel hope to accomplish in 2009. -KV

The Literary Brothel's New Year's Resolutions

1. Edit and release that damn Best of The Literary Brothel book you've been promised for eight months now.

2. Respond to ALL comments made on our posts. It's one way to thank people for reading, and/or anger them so they curse our name. Hey, at least they'll be saying our name.

3. Exercise regularly.

4. Write post after post with "Wil Wheaton" in the the title as to attract Wesley Crusher himself to the site, and Brothelize a small percentage of his legion of internet fans.

5. Name names.

6. Search for other creative writers. Find at least two other people who are NOT Klaus Varley to write for the site on a regular basis. Reward them with fedoras.

7. Find out what "the kids" are listening to these days. Emulate them. Become cool, but act like you don't care about superficial things like "coolness." Then return to normal, shun your new friends, and convince your old friends that you never forgot about them, even when you were cool. That's looking forward.

8. Write a recurring piece covering the best things about LA. Yes, I said "recurring." There are a lot of great things about LA. I'll show you, you naysayers...

9. Finish that screenplay, sell it, and move to the beach. I mean, closer to the beach.

10. Remember that "New Year's" as in "The Literary Brothel's New Year's Resolutions" has an apostrophe "s" and is NOT spelled "New Years Resolution." Not that I did that this year and had to go back and correct it. Not at all.

-TLB

--
What do YOU want to accomplish next year (besides procrastinating all that work nonsense by reading The Literary Brothel at least twice a week)?
--

The Literary Brothel's Top Ten Songs of the Year

The Top Ten Songs I Heard in 2008
Klaus Varley

When not listening to the Pixies, I manage to hear some new music, but not enough to write a top 10 albums list. Instead, here’s a list of ten songs on ten albums released this year.

10. “Orphans” – Beck feat. Cat Power, Modern Guilt
Tracks like “Gamma Ray” ensure Modern Guilt a solid ranking in Beck’s catalog, but it’s “Orphans,” the Beatles-esque, big-beat hippie groove that rocks the popsicle shop.

9. “Loose Lips” – Kimya Dawson, Juno
Yeah, Juno – the movie – was 2007, but “Loose Lips” makes the list on the soundtrack released in 2008. Even if you’re tired of the movie, tired of the soundtrack you’ve heard 1000 times already, tired of Michael Cera (never!), this track lasts.

8. “Half Man” – Black Francis, Svn Fngrs
This seven track taster from Black Francis (formally Frank Black of Frank Black and the Catholics after he was formally Black Francis of the Pixies. He was, however, always Charles Thompson) is inconsistent at best, but in “Half Man” Black is back to his “Teenager of the Year” roots, sounding closer to legendary solo tracks like “Abstract Plane” than he has in years.*

*No research. I know these this stuff like the back of my hand.**
**White skin, veins, hair.

7. “For the Birds” – Earlimart, Hymn and Her
If you don’t know Earlimart, they’re what Wilco would sound like if told they were only allowed to play in the shoegazer genre. Hymn and Her is not quite as good as 2007’s Mentor Tormentor but hell, both albums are freaking fantastic.

6. “J'aime vous voire quitter” – Islands, Arm’s Way
No idea what this song is about, only that it’s an American indie-rock song with a French title.

5. “Great Beyond” Aimee Mann, @#%&*! Smilers
For those who still appreciate the good ol’ singer-songwriter stuff, Aimee Mann is hard to beat. Her new album is solid as hell, and so is this track.

4. “You” – Atmosphere, When Life Gives you Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold
Atmosphere’s wordy, uplifting raps are reminiscent of the stuff coming out in the early 90s before Dre, Snoop, and Biggie took gangstas to a new height. Yeah, I know there’s a dearth of hip-hop on this list. Coincidentally there’s also a dearth of hip-hop in the “New Music File” at UCLA Radio.

3. “Four Provinces” – The Walkmen, You & Me
For a group that is Bob Dylan with worse lyrics but better back-up band, I’m not sure why The Walkmen aren’t more popular.

2. “Girls” – Walter Meego, Voyager
“Everything I do, I do it for a girl, I do it for a girl, I do it for a girl.” Meego keeps it simple and dancy. If this track doesn’t get the booty off the chair, nothing will.

1. “Body” – Mother Mother, O My Heart
This is probably the best album of 2008 and “Body” is its top tune, nudging out “Body of Years” (what’s with all the bodies?), “Wisdom,” and the title track, “Oh My Heart” (holy smokes, this whole album is about bodies!) because lyrics like “I’ve grown tired of this body / cumbersome and heavy body” not only sound real, but feel real. And the music is great too. For real.

---
Why isn’t your favorite song of 2008 on this list? Probably because I didn’t hear it.
So which tracks did I leave out? Comment, or heck, send the song to me – literarybrothel at gmail dot com.

Be legal.

Whatever that means.

-KV

10 Mistakes to Avoid When Applying for a Job

This piece is from guest contributor "Loma," which - if you couldn't guess by the quotes around her singular-worded moniker - is not her real name. -KV

Top 10 mistakes to avoid when applying for a job
by Loma

DO NOT:

# 10 - Use cute abbreviations as though you were firing off a text message to a friend, as in "Pls see the attached resume and letter. Thx."

# 9 - Send your resume from an unusual e-mail address, like bigmoerocks@yahoo or lovezthempinups@aol.

# 8 - Write your entire cover letter and resume in ALL CAPS.

# 7 - Make your cover letter one long 300-word paragraph. That is a lot of paragraph.

# 6 - Attach a photo of yourself. e.g. A glamour shot, or a photo "taken last night" in your apartment.

# 5 - Write in your introductory e-mail, before anyone has offered you a job, that you expect to receive X amount in salary, plus medical coverage, plus car-related expenses.

# 4 - Submit a resume that has zero relevance to the job opening, with no cover letter explaining how anything you've done is in any way relevant.

# 3 - Make really standout spelling errors, like

* "Goo morning!"
* "My salry expetation is no less than $40K."

# 2 - Attach two resumes that list totally different companies you've "worked" for. Over the exact same time frame.

# 1 - Be weird. By writing, for example, that you are like Kobe Bryant except that your MVP stands for "Multi-Talented, Victorious, and Persistent."

-TLB

[We promise the next post will not be a top ten list, though they are catchy and easy to read, don'tchathink?]

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10 Things Guys REALLY Want for Christmas

This is more like a Maxim article than a Brothel piece. Hey, we're branching out... Or are we? -KV

Ten Things Guys REALLY Want for X-mas
Klaus Varley

Though most guys will deny it to their girls from here to eternity, below are ten things most men (except your man, of course) would seriously love to get in their stockings.

10. XBOX 360 All the other guys have it. Hey, we can get Rock Band honey, and you can play drums.

9. Motorcycle Any kind will do.

8. 58-inch Plasma HDTV Don't care if it's plasma, rear-projection or made of chipmunks, as long as it works.

7. Rio Brands Foldaway Octagon Poker Table Not to be too specific, but baby, it's only a hundred bucks.

6. Punching Bag and Gloves We like to hit things. I don't know why.

5. Dog Guys love dogs. Except for me; I'm allergic. Seriously (pathetic).

4. Electric Guitar Every guy wants to be a rock star. The more he denies it, the more you'll know it's true.

3. An original Optimus Prime in Shrink Wrap This is only for certain guys. Some people call them nerds. We call them Parker Briggsmore.

2. Stand-up Arcade Game to Put Next to the new Pool Table This is more like two gifts - two GREAT gifts.

1. Angelina Jolie Except for me; I'm allergic. Seriously.


-KV

The 10 Worst Christmas Presents to Give / Receive

This should make your holiday shopping a little easier. No need to thank us; we're here to help. -KV

The Ten Worst X-mas Presents to Give (or Receive)
-Klaus Varley

10. War and Peace Seems like a good idea for the "reader" in the family. Only problem is, they can't thank you for at least six years...or if they read slowly, six-hundred years.

9. Kittens While cute and cuddly for a while, kittens grow in to cats, and cats live forever.

8. Colored Socks Athletics socks are OK. Colored socks are just racist. Please people, the term is "African-American socks." Get with it.

7. Diet Books You might as well slap your cousin in the face and call her fat.

6. Zap Stick Stun Gun in Pink The only thing worse than being robbed is giving throwing the robber into cardiac arrest and then having to revive him. Instead, try one of these alternatives: Pepper Spray, Self-Defense Classes, or maybe an old-fashioned "promise to not get drunk and take that dark alley shortcut."

5. Puppies See Kittens.

4. Drum Set A good gift ONLY if your friend/relative is roommates with your mortal enemy.

3. Tampons Even as a joke, this does not fly. Trust me.

2. Lars and the Real Girl Sure, Lars is a good movie, but most people haven't seen it or heard of it. All they know is they just got a DVD with a blow-up doll on the cover.

1. Candy Land Screw you, Gum Drop Mountain.

-KV

10 Reasons to go to Graduate School

People often ask why I went back to grad school. I usually make up some story about how I want to teach, and an advanced degree gives me more options about where and what kind of classroom I can get paid to run.

Of course, that's bologna. Here are the real reasons to go to graduate school.

1. You have time to blog. I mean, study.

2. There are no deadlines. Okay, not true - there are deadlines but they're more like suggestions. Ominous suggestions.

3. If you get to campus before 10 AM you're a go-getter. In the working world they just call that "normal."

4. Undergrads value your advice. Not really, but they have to listen to it anyway since you grade them.

5. You work in a fairly safe, clean environment. Alright, it's not that clean, and safe as long as you don't mind get tasered once in a while.

6. Learning is more fun when you don't get graded and get to take whichever classes you're in the mood for... Which is NOT what happens in grad school. Okay, every once in a while, but hey, I always wanted to get units for rock climbing, didn't you?

7. Learning is free. At some colleges. Not this one.

8. The library is open late. Providing a good excuse for your non-existent social life.

9. The vending machines have decent coffee. And sandwiches. Man, I really don't have a life.

10. The chicks are great. Ha. Kidding. A joke! Heh. Seriously, that's a quote from Almost Famous. In no way do we here at The Literary Brothel condone engaging in relations (sexual or otherwise) with undergraduates...or other graduate students for that matter. They're a depressing bunch.

-KV

PS. Apologies for the crass ending on the otherwise clean and clever piece. But hey, this is The Literary Brothel - what did you expect?

PS2. Apologies for that post script where I called my piece "clever." What I meant to say was "pretentious. Very, very pretentious. Pretentious enough to write a post script...or two.

---end---
--seriously--

Ten Life Lessons Learned from the Musical Les Miserables (Broadway Version)

Ten Life Lessons Learned from the Musical Les Miserables (Broadway Version)
Klaus Varley

10. Sitting flat on your butt doesn't buy any bread.

9. Guys named Marius are often late to important meetings and then blame their tardiness on love.

8. Obscure French student revolutions can be meaningful as long as a novel and musical are written about them.

7. Avoid anyone who proclaims they are "Master of the House."

6. If you escape from prison and want to reinvent yourself, move really far away, not just to the next town. Maybe even to another country. Somewhere where you won't be recognized. And for god sakes, don't become a prominent member of your new society. Lay low!

5. When in need of drinking tunes, simply recycle melodies from your years as a revolutionary. Don't forget to change the lyrics to fit your current situation (before: revolution now: inebriation)

4. If you leave your daughter for years with shady inn-keepers, don't expect to get her back for cheap.

3. When stealing a loaf of bread, do not break a window pane. The cop can use that as an excuse to hunt you for the rest of his life.

2. "Lovely" ladies sometimes ain't so lovely.

1. When singing songs containing your prison number, always draw out the last digit (ie: two, four, six, oh, oooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeee!). It's a good way to express that you disagree with the court's decision and feel the punishment was too harsh for your crime.

-KV

Top 10 Errors of (not so) Smart Type

The Top Ten Errors of Smart Type
Klaus Varley

If your cell phone is like mine, it has a text-message function pretentiously named "smart-type." Well, this so-called "smart" type has the propensity to make a number of errors. He

Below are the top 10 not-so-smart corrections of a program that often fails to live up to its name. (If it seems like I'm hard on SmartType, it's because it's not a person, and if SmartType's creator has nothing to do but Google "SmartType Criticisms," well, that creator needs to get a lied. I mean, life.)

1. good = home = gone = hood = hoof = hone = goof

This is the biggest one. "See you at good," she accidentally writes. Where the hell is Good? What time are you getting there? And who else is going? Are they bringing their hot friends? Send directions to Good!

2. lips = kiss = lisp

This one is problematic because you could potentially write "I want to kiss your lisp." Even if that is true, those with lisps prefer it to not be phrased quite like that.

3. on = no = om

Frustrating, since I write "no" far more often then "on." Example, "No, no, do not tempt a Russian Mig. Kenny Loggins sang 'Danger Zone' for a reason."

4. bad = ace = abe

Two Old Testament references ("bad," "abe") and what McCain's superiors in the Navy nicknamed him after he crashed THREE planes (and before he was a POW) "Here comes Ace McCain!" joked the Admirals. Snickers were then heard. And possibly also eaten. If Snickers - the candy bar - was invented back then. (You see, John McCain is old...)

Note: This piece was written before the election - thus the McCain joke. How quickly jokes become anachronistic!

5. case = care = base = card = bare = bard = cape = acre

Wow, lots of danger here. Especially for Superman's texts, "Lois, did you

6. are = ape

Another dangerous association, for the wrong word here could send a very strange message, ie: "What ape we doing tonight?" If your friend answers "Koko," run.

7. in = go = im = ho = io = hm = gm

Inconvenient, since all of these words are often used in one sentence, such as "ho, im'a go to the gm in io...lol...sry, io is a mn on jptr.."

8. have = gave = hate = gate = gaud

Two dangers: You might mistakenly give bad directions using slang for a deity, "Turn left past the gaud," or errantly explain your antisemitism to your Klan friends, "I gave Jews."

9. sad = pad = rad

Difficult to convey your depression when you tell a friend, "I'm so rad."

10. see = red = ref = pee

If you accidentally tell a date "I can pee you from here," be ready to explain common errors of Smart Type. Feel free to reference this article.

-KV

10 Reasons to Vote for John Sidney McCain

This article lacks...what's the word...oh yes, "seriousness." -KV

Ten Reasons to Vote for John S. McCain (if you haven't done so already)
Klaus Varley

10. Because the last 8 years were great. That war, this economic crisis. Hogwash. Republicans-4-lif.

9. Because women shouldn't have the right to choose to have an abortion. That's what a 2000 year old, translated text is for...to do our thinkin' for us.

8. Because McCain knows how to fix the economy, or at least knows a lot more than when he said he didn't know much about it (2007).

7. Because you love it when McCain gets that "I'm back in de tiger cage!" look on his face.

6. Because the biased liberal media will never admit that Obama is a Muslim who pals around with terrorists, but you know better, because, well you haven't seen any "facts," but they must be hiding something...the Democrats are the Hiders. No, no proof of that either, but uh, you can just tell.

5. Because black people are just different. And half-black people are TOTALLY different. C'mon! Why don't they bring up Reverend Wright more often?

4. Because hot headed men are hot. (Duh, it's in their name)

3. Because more US soldiers and Middle Eastern civilians should die for oil, I mean, freedom.

2. Because Palin is hot. The Republicans have the hot ticket this year!

1. Because you can't trust people who are smarter than you. McCain / Palin 08 - they ain't smarter than us. That should be their slogan. I should know - I'm smarter than them...are.

-KV

Ten Reasons to Vote YES on Prop 8 - California's "Protect Marriage" Proposition

In case you needed a reason to keep homosexuals from marrying one another, here is not just one reason, but ten! Enjoy! (Please note: Reasons 1-3, 6 and 7 are from the Yes on 8 website. I could not make them up. Believe me, I tried: see reasons 4 and 5, 8-10) -KV

1. Californian's Passed Prop 22 in 2000 to ban gay marriage but judges overturned it, calling it "unconstitutional," whatever that means. Seriously, if history teaches us anything, it is that we should always do what we've done before...and by that, I mean take away the rights of people who are different than us.

2. The judges that overturned Prop 22 were "activist" judges. And by activist, we mean gay. We checked. And by "checked," I mean we stole their wallets. Their "gay club" card was right next to their "activist club" card. And they didn't have much cash.

3. These "activist" judges were based in San Francisco. Sin City! What...apparently that is Las Vegas. And a movie. Well, it's definitely Sin City 2 then...until the movie comes out.

4. San Francisco is so gay that if you go there you might question your own sexuality and the sexuality of Jesus...or at least admire Jesus for his great abdominal muscles. There was a point here, but I'm not sure what is it...

5. San Francisco makes you forget the point you are trying to make. It's that bad.

6. We're undermining marriage at a point where we should be restoring marriage. I don't know what this means, but it sounds sorta-rational. Believe it!

7. First Graders were Taken on a Field Trip to a Gay Wedding. First-graders shouldn't have to go to ANY weddings, let alone gay ones because weddings are freaking BORING without booze.

8. I don't like to think about two guys kissing. Two women? That's another story. Have you seen BOUND with Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilly? See, that's a beautiful relationship...and they didn't need to get married!

9. Gina Gershon is smokin' hot in that movie. That just needed to be said.

10. If we let homosexuals marry, we'll be making the terrorists happy. See, because terrorists hate freedom and we're the bastion of freedom...and though if Proposition 8 passes we'll be taking away a freedom, well, see, it's the kind of freedom the terrorists like. Look, I don't really have time to explain all the statues and limitations to you...just vote Yes on 8 to keep two guys from kissing, ewww, seriously, that's disgusting can you imagine what they do in their bedroom, no don't think of it, stop! my point is that gays are destroying our country that was founding on liberty, justice, and heterosexuality - before that word was even invented! And don't forget, marriage is a religious issue, even though it's a civil matter - again, can't explain it, just trust me. Lastly, Jesus was not gay, even though his "disciples" were all guys, stop spreading that rumor and vote Yes on 8 so guys can't kiss...what? they can still kiss? Just wait till next election...

-KV

10 Krazy Keywords in the Past Ten Days

These are ten of the strangest and/or most entertaining keywords that have landed people on The Literary Brothel recently. Perhaps this should be a regular article, such as "Krazy Keywords for September" or "Krazy Keywords this month" or anything with the word "crazy" spelled with a "k." BECAUSE "Ks" ARE NUTS!! - KV

what makes you dizzie - Misspelled words.

sexy literary quotes - "It is the East and Juliet is the sun. Arise fair sun and kill the envious moon." That's from memory...and that's all memory can remember.

tucker bounds is a asshole - This is incorrect.

tucker bounds is an asshole - This is correct.

common confusing words - Obfuscate, mystify, baffle, perplex, eh, you get the joke.

motherfuckin candy - When you want some serious candy, not just kids' stuff.

the great gatsby urban outfitters - In The Great Gatsby they might call this a "non sequitur." In Urban Outfitters they might call it "huh?"

i caught my girlfriend back on jdate - Yahweh gives you only one choice in these matters: "Do onto others as they do onto you." Or something like that. Yahweh tends to be misquoted.

stripper who had just been fired from the chicken shack? in 3 strikes - Speaks for itself.

recommended summer reading - The Literary Brothel. The Literary Brothel. The Literary Brothel. Emoticons.

:)

-KV

Ten Reasons Why Michael Phelps is an Asshole

Regular pieces have been put on hold during the Olympics, as The Literary Brothel has received more hits for "michael phelps asshole" than anything else in the history of the site. Yeah, even more than "naked boobies," although that's still very popular, along with "my girlfriend on a toilet seat."

So here's another piece with "Michael Phelps" and "asshole" in the title. Enjoy! -KV

Ten Reasons Why Michael Phelps is an Asshole
by Klaus Varley

10. He eats 12,000 calories a day and does not get fat. (Thanks LD for this link)

9. He never grows old.

8. He competed in his first Olympics at the age of 15. (Take that, Chinese Women's Gymnastics Team)

7. He breaks his own world records easier than I break my own CDs. (And I break my CDs really easily)

6. He can fly.

5. He is from Baltimore. (Like Omar)

4. He is a spokesman for MADD

3. He has "mad" skills in the pool.

2. His ability to receive text messages is unparalleled.

1. My girlfriend thinks he's cute.

...

Okay, so he might grow old "someday," and he can't technically "fly." But the rest of that stuff is true. Which means he's...kinda a decent guy?!? Wait, but my girlfriend thinks he's cute! Ef-Michael Phelps!

-KV

Ten Movies Better Than The Dark Knight (a.k.a. Batman 6)

Ten Movies Better Than The Dark Knight

Pulp Fiction
The Shawshank Redemption
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
The Matrix
North by Northwest
Memento
A Clockwork Orange
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
The Graduate
Requiem for a Dream

I'm just sayin...

Teddy Nutmeg's Top Ten Albums of All Time

We used to do music reviews here on The Brothel. (Did I tell you that already?) We also had each of our contributors write a top ten list. This is one by Teddy. It's long, and his musical tastes may have changed since 2002, but we're putting it up anyway. -KV

TEDDY'S TOP TEN
by Teddy Nutmeg

I LIKE MUSIC. Music is good. These albums are good. I like these albums.

However, music is an extremely personal medium delicately intertwined with one's emotional state, life-changing events, everyday surroundings, and (above all) sex. What I like may not jive with what you like, and that's OK. My experiences are different from yours, my music is different from yours-neither being inherently better the other, unless your name is Charlie Luzon and you listen to shite like Rancid, in which case you need help. Seriously. But Michael Jackson does rule.

Also, listen to music on quality headphones (the ones with the big plug that doesn't fit into your discman) whenever possible. It's a whole new world.

Built to Spill, "Perfect From Now On"

...because I listen to this and its better than sex. Except this one time, there was this chick I met on a plane, and damn, she had a hot body and was REALLY into me, and I don't think anything (besides crack, or sushi) could be better than that. Not that normal sex is somehow unfulfilling and hollow, not that it leaves you feeling used and dirty and emptier than your wallet after you've paid her off. Not at all.

Bela Fleck and the Flecktones

No album, but it's got to be live to jive, brother. Bluegrass rules--soul music for the seemingly soul-less (white) people.

Dragged to bluegrass festivals when I was younger, I started appreciating it when I realized there were no rules at a festival and no rules in the music. Here's some actual dialogue between me (age 13) and my parents at a bluegrass festival:

Teddy: "I'm going down to the main stage, then to the lake, but I'll be back in a few hours."
Teddy's Parents: "That's great, but here, you don't have to tell us anything. Come back whenever. But, hey, no kissing Susie or Sarah. Well, kissing's OK, but NO TONGUE. They ARE your cousins."

See what I mean, NO RULES. Coincidentally, (or not) it was at a bluegrass festival that I realized that those things on girls chests were pretty fun to play with, and that a public toilet seat can make a pretty comfy pillow. And no, I didn't kiss Susie (not with tongue, anyway). Sarah on the other hand... (naughty Sarah)

Back to Bela Fleck: the dude can JAM; endless, intricate jams on the banjo and guitar left my hands numb from clapping, my head spinning and my mouth dry-though I guess that could've been from Uncle Brian's backyard moonshine and ditch weed. Thanks Unc.

Pavement, "Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain," and "Watery, Domestic" (4-song EP)

With songs of resigned desolation (they too reign from the Central Valley), Pavement helped me grow up. No, they didn't take me in the back of their 1975 blue Chevy Van, telling me to "squeal like a pig" but since I was 15 there've been Pavement songs for me to sink my emotional teeth into; songs that felt like mine and mine alone. Speaking of mine, and mine alone, a cheap whore on this website once dissed Pavement when I busted them out on the drive back from a ski trip, but he also thinks Rancid is God's gift to middle class white boy angst and that Titanic was a good flick. Go figure.

Al Green, "Greatest Hits"

This is (subjectively) the most romantic music of all time. Scenario: you've made her dinner at you're place, and now you're ready for dessert. You dim the lights, light the candles, whip out your mousse, and put on Al Green while you sit down to share the love. After dessert, you casually mention that slow dancing is a great way to help settle a full stomach, you give her a smile sweeter than the mousse, and you're off to never-never land.

If that doesn't work, you boot her ass out and call up your hoochie-coochie girl, who lives an hour away in the ghetto, but she don't need no homemade dinner and chocolate mousse; some Roberto's (or some other taco stand ending in "berto's"), an ice cold St. Ides and she's ready to show you her zebra-print thong.

[TIP: When wooing ghetto-style, disregard this list of records and everything else you think you know about music and romance. Doggystyle (see Charlie Luzon's list) is a bumpably safe bet, but then again, you might get shot the up by some busta ass Snoop-hatin foolios while you be tappin dat ass in the backseat. Cause in the ghetto, you NEVER KNOW. ]

The Pixies Surfer Rosa (et al)

Description-defyingly good. Sometimes funky to the ear, reminding me that music doesn't have to sound "pretty" and soft to be great. Don't get me wrong, I like hard music and I'm WAY more punk than anyone realizes (definitely more punk than you, you pussy) but I just don't listen to hard stuff very often. Punk is exponentially better in person, where you can shuck your savings of rage and pain into the pot and get crazy with everyone else, and plus, I'm a pretty happy guy in general. I would say more about how good The Pixies are, but the Admins would probably cream their shorts.

Any good classical recording from the Romantic/Classical period

Beethoven, Rachmaninoff, Tchaikovsky, composers along these lines thrill and chill you. I don't pretend to know much about classical music, but I do know that for me, it has to be a good recording, and a good symphony. Like punk, I don't listen to classical very often, but when I do, it cleanses and regulates my musical digestion. Punk rock and classical are musical Metamucil.

Belle and Sebastian, "The Boy With The Arab Strap"

They groove, they rock, they're a mellow, acoustic, Scottish alternative to Radiohead, but with beautiful female vocals (she sure sounds purdy) to lull me off to fuzzy happiness. It takes a revolution or two on the CD player to get acquainted with Belle and Sebastian, but once you're friends, they never treat you wrong, just like a TJ hooker. Am I talking about the TV show, or a real TJ hooker? Does William Shatner realize that his shortened surname is the past tense of "to poop"? All I know is that Belle and Sebastian throw some violas and cellos into the mix, and it serves them quite well.

Blackalicious (underground hip-hizzzop) "NIA"

Two dudes with a positive message and the skill to make it sound pimpin, the Gift of Gab and Chief Xcel have been kickin ass in Bay Area jams for years, and their shit is straight-up bumpin. Gab's flows are intelligent, positive, extremely well organized, and contain several references to "yo mama's big fat ass." The air at a Blackalicious show is absolutely electrified, EVERYONE is moving, bouncing to the beat and getting pumped up by the Gift's stage presence. And if you think they sound too good to be true, trust me, its all true, all except that part about "yo mama's big fat ass." I just like the way "yo mama's big fat ass" looks-in print. But Blackalicious is on the real. Word (to yo mama's big fat ass).

Elliot Smith, "Figure 8" (but all his albums are quality)

One could describe Elliot's music as folksy, organic, and tangible; he writes about his own alcoholism with candor and accessibility. He used to play in a GREAT band called Heatmiser with Sam Coomes from Quasi (awesome band that just missed the cut). Elliot composes, he sings, he plays, he rocks. His music is diverse, sometimes gentle, sometimes driving, always crisp and fresh. His acoustic work is about as good as it gets, without Jack anyway. If you ever have the good fortune to see him live, yes he really is that drunk, and no, it won't affect his playing (too much).

Manu Chao, "Clandestino"

Just when you think you've got me pegged as a mellow, Kerouac reading, horn-rimmed glasses wearing, bong-slurping, neo-beat-hippie wanna-be, I'll bust out with the French/Spanish groovemaster himself, Manu Chao. He sings in Spanish, English, and French, and it tickles me in the right spot (edited sex joke here). Maybe their appeal is best exemplified by track three, "King of the Bongo" which has female back-up vocalists who respond on cue with their only line "He's the king of the bongo." His music is simultaneously cheesy and serious as he covers extreme topics from poverty in Tijuana to the international struggle for ideological independence. So take your Chomsky reader y pongala donde el sol no brilla. I'll take Manu Chao and his funky beats any day.

So now what? You've got all this great info, so what're you going to do with it? You're going to run out and buy all these albums, right? No?!? What?! You don't trust the good judgment of a guy who...

1) jokes about kissing his cousins
2) refers to girls in a blatant and disgusting sexual manner
3) reads (or at least refers to) Noam Chomsky
4) does, in fact, enjoy TJ Hooker(s)
5) has to have his dirty jokes edited to be posted on a site called "The Literary Brothel"

What the hell is wrong with you?

-TN

Ten Fun Facts About Nevada

This is a follow up to the last piece I wrote on Nevada which is not only an excellent read, but explains why we keep writing about Nevada. -KV


Ten Fun Facts About Nevada

10. Republicans granted Nevada statehood so that Abraham Lincoln would be elected President. Thus establishing a long lineage of upfront, honest dealings by both Republicans and Nevadans.

9. 'Nevada' means 'snowcapped' in Spanish. And is the reason we no longer use Spanish words to name our states.

8. Nevada (like Georgia, Louisiana, Virginia, Missouri, Montana and Pennsylvania) has no open-container law. There's no party like a Butte, Montana party.

7. Prostitution is legal in Nevada counties with populations under 400,000. Because it's important to keep brothels where they belong - in the countryside.

6. Prostitution is also legal in Rhode Island. Who knew?

5. Gambling became legal in Nevada in 1931. Thus ending the monopolies of greedy Indian Casinos and allowing decent Americans to make an honest buck.

4. Speaking of gambling, Texas Hold'em is hella fun. But don't play against anyone named Slim, The Master, or Parker Briggsmore.

3. Nevada is the seventh largest state. More "fact" than "fun."

2. The state bird is the Mountain Bluebird. Sounds peaceful, however, vulture was runner-up. Mosquito was third.

1. The state motto of Nevada is 'Home Means Nevada.' Thus, "snowcapped" must mean "home," such as "Mi apartamento es mi Nevada."

-KV