Thursday, October 15, 2009
A letter to the neighbors moving in that I didn't give to them, instead rewriting it to make it "nice."
To Our New Neighbors Below Us:
Thank you for your note last month alerting us of the ongoing construction on your unit. It was very polite and cordial. And quiet. The letter was, I mean.
For the most part, the construction noise has been reasonable, intermittently scaring the crap out of our me and our cat eight hours during the day. But those are business hours, so, whatever.
Today, however, the pounding began at 7am. Because the GRRRAZZZZHTTHHHHZZZ and HHEEPPPECKCKKKKKKKACCKKKKK is directly below our apartment, it is impossible to block out the noise. (You may have though I was joking about how the noise scares me and the cat. Now you know I was not.)
Is there any chance that future work on your place could begin later in the morning? That would be greatly appreciated and super conducive to a neighborly atmosphere.
Warmest Welcome,
-Charlie Luzon
P.S. The letter can also be summed up in the following poem:
When you move in
I can stomp
and you'll hear it
So tell your construction people
to chill.
As Klaus says,
seriously...
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
In the News
Klaus Varley
It's not as if it's late on a Tuesday night and we promised to update every Tuesday and Thursday so we're pulling the headlines from Google News and making jokes about them. No, it's not like that at all. -KV
GOP's Snowe shaped health bill before backing it Allegedly, Snowe folded the papers into a swan, trying out the origami recently learned from a YouTube video.
U.K. to Add Troops in Afghanistan In other news, U.K. to subtract troops from Buckingham Palace after realizing muskets and high stepping is really more of a distraction than protection.
Nobel panel defends decision to award peace prize to Obama The panel also wonders if you know who Martti Ahtisaari is. If not, shut the hell up about the damn prize.
Health Insurers Emerge as Obama's Top Foe Just edging out Bowser, who might be waiting in the next castle even though Obama already knocked him into the lava.
Michelle Obama Offers More Healthy Food Tips With this headline, Michelle Obama has now appeared in the news 183 more times than Laura Bush did her eight years in the same position. (What did Laura Bush ever promote?)
UCLA student charged with attempted murder in attack The bad joke around campus: "Biology is a tough major, but Chemistry is cutthroat."
A Historic Success In Military Recruiting This came as no surprise to the armed forces. The secret? Plant the seed early. Recruiters spotted handed out "Happy Deals" to unsuspecting kindergarteners who thought they were playing a fun contract game.
Why Rush Limbaugh Belongs In The NFL He can do the 40 in 4.4 when running the pharmacy to get more Oxycontin. And I hear he loves black people. LOVES them.
Seriously.
-KV
It's not as if it's late on a Tuesday night and we promised to update every Tuesday and Thursday so we're pulling the headlines from Google News and making jokes about them. No, it's not like that at all. -KV
GOP's Snowe shaped health bill before backing it Allegedly, Snowe folded the papers into a swan, trying out the origami recently learned from a YouTube video.
U.K. to Add Troops in Afghanistan In other news, U.K. to subtract troops from Buckingham Palace after realizing muskets and high stepping is really more of a distraction than protection.
Nobel panel defends decision to award peace prize to Obama The panel also wonders if you know who Martti Ahtisaari is. If not, shut the hell up about the damn prize.
Health Insurers Emerge as Obama's Top Foe Just edging out Bowser, who might be waiting in the next castle even though Obama already knocked him into the lava.
Michelle Obama Offers More Healthy Food Tips With this headline, Michelle Obama has now appeared in the news 183 more times than Laura Bush did her eight years in the same position. (What did Laura Bush ever promote?)
UCLA student charged with attempted murder in attack The bad joke around campus: "Biology is a tough major, but Chemistry is cutthroat."
A Historic Success In Military Recruiting This came as no surprise to the armed forces. The secret? Plant the seed early. Recruiters spotted handed out "Happy Deals" to unsuspecting kindergarteners who thought they were playing a fun contract game.
Why Rush Limbaugh Belongs In The NFL He can do the 40 in 4.4 when running the pharmacy to get more Oxycontin. And I hear he loves black people. LOVES them.
Seriously.
-KV
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Best (Worst?) YouTube Names
Klaus Varley
The names below are culled from the comments section of the YouTube video, "Glenn Beck DESTROYS Richard Blumenthal, " which, after searching "Glenn Beck" on YouTube, was the first pro-Beck video to come up. The first seven or eight did not paint Beck in such a glowing light, and the commenter names weren't nearly as humorous.*
What's in a name? Everything. Okay, not "everything," but names say a little something about your personality - especially if you chose it yourself. Below are a collection of YouTube monikers followed by an educated guess about the character of the person behind the letters. -KV
---
nowhiteguilthere - Native American shaman.
FatLibertarian - Likes meat.
demdouches - Did not wait in line to see Capitalism: A Love Story
ilovethiscountry1 - Brazilian beach volleyball referee.
TheTruthHurts9999 - Has good teeth.
MissingGWdotcom - Didn't miss Bush when he was on vacation 42% of his time in office during the eight months leading up to 9/11.
TheLiberalssuckdick - Loves an old fashioned mix of conservatism and homophobia.
northernpatriot54 - Proud to be a Canadian.
mssedmebich - Good at dodging spelling classes.
anticheese - Lactose intolerant.
GreatSatan1 - Great at evil, bad at disguising motives.
chancellordumbfuck - A fan of contradictions.
tasha19862005 - Likes numbers.
punishobama - Into S&M.
chocolatefuckingmilk - Peter Pan.
-TLB
---
* Star.
What's in a name? Everything. Okay, not "everything," but names say a little something about your personality - especially if you chose it yourself. Below are a collection of YouTube monikers followed by an educated guess about the character of the person behind the letters. -KV
---
FatLibertarian - Likes meat.
demdouches - Did not wait in line to see Capitalism: A Love Story
ilovethiscountry1 - Brazilian beach volleyball referee.
TheTruthHurts9999 - Has good teeth.
MissingGWdotcom - Didn't miss Bush when he was on vacation 42% of his time in office during the eight months leading up to 9/11.
TheLiberalssuckdick - Loves an old fashioned mix of conservatism and homophobia.
northernpatriot54 - Proud to be a Canadian.
mssedmebich - Good at dodging spelling classes.
anticheese - Lactose intolerant.
GreatSatan1 - Great at evil, bad at disguising motives.
chancellordumbfuck - A fan of contradictions.
tasha19862005 - Likes numbers.
punishobama - Into S&M.
chocolatefuckingmilk - Peter Pan.
-TLB
---
* Star.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
New Posts that aren't Quotes - Coming Soon
Klaus Varley...has a lot in the works.
Charlie Luzon...may have something in the near future.
Langdon...is watching movies. He will probably have something soon.
Parker...is playing RockBand.
We update every Tuesday and Thursday.
Check back to see if we were lying...
-TLB
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Quotes from Glee
Though it's a pretty blatant ripoff of Election, and our enthusiasm for the new Fox comedy Glee has faded a bit since the first two episodes due to a decision to apparently make it a show about high school pregnancy and coming out stories, there's still some choice lines in the show. Here a few of them, probably incorrect since we're doing this from memory, but hey, we're not going to watch the whole darn episode again just to get it right...or are we? -TLB
"Who's Josh Groban? Kill yourself."
"I've got a phoner. That's an interview. I think I'm going to take it on my iPhone."
"And this room is where our daughter or gay son will sleep."
"He (Josh Groban) is an angel sent from heaven to deliver platinum records onto us."
"Why do you think it's my fault?"
"I don't see anyone else around here holding a plate of 'I'm sorry' cookies, do you?"
"I'm a good guy: I'll put up with your crazy, I'm a minority - so they can never fire me. That's about as good as it gets around here."
"All this place needs is twelve bodies under the floorboards covered in lye."
"I bust the windows out yo car."
"If you liked it you should've put a ring on it." (See, there are songs in the show...)
"I want to take over the Glee club"
"Do you want to captain the Titanic too?"
"I'm not homophobic. I have two gay dads."
---
Just watch the darn show already. It's on Hulu. No excuses.
-TLB
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
The 10 Gayest Sports
In preparation for writing a random armchair theory piece about how hetero guys get their "gay out" by watching or participating in certain sports, here's our list of the ten gayest sports we could think of. -TLB
The 10 Gayest Sports (in no particular order of gayness)
1. Football
2. Wrestling (all kinds, except co-ed)
3. Water Polo
4. Bodybuilding
5. Rugby
6. Basketball
7. Soccer
8. Bobsledding
9. Grappling (see "Wrestling")
10. Arm Wrestling (see "Wrestling" but minus all parts of the body except for the arm)
An explanation to come. For now, discuss!
(Note: the word is "discuss," not "discus." "Discus" is definitely not gay. What's gay about throwing a disc?)
-KV
ps. The phrase "not that there's anything wrong with it" has been conspicuously omitted from the piece, due to its overuse in society since its airing on that Seinfeld show. However, consider it there in spirit, after anything you might consider remotely homophobic.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Ten Ways to Lose Weight
Charlie Luzon
We know what you're thinking: "It's not Thursday, yet this post is dated Thursday." Really? It's not Thursday? Prove it. -TLB
Recently I've shed a few pounds by changing my diet and some things in my lifestyle. Though I'm not exactly sure which combination of things led to the weight loss, here are ten possible reasons - in the the form of instructions - in no particular order.
1. Stop Drinking Soda
2. Take a Spinning Class at least Once a Week
3. Eat Less Meat
4. Park Far From Your Job / Errands
5. Stop Drinking Sobe Energy Drinks (See #1)
6. Eat More Fruit
7. Eat More Vegetables
8. Lift Weights Twice a Week
9. Do Something Called an "Elliptical Machine" Twice a Week
10. Swim
Hope that helps.
-CL
PS. This may seem easy, but many of these things take time and effort and a new appreciation of things like vegetables, fruits, and non-refined sugars. Seriously.
We know what you're thinking: "It's not Thursday, yet this post is dated Thursday." Really? It's not Thursday? Prove it. -TLB
Recently I've shed a few pounds by changing my diet and some things in my lifestyle. Though I'm not exactly sure which combination of things led to the weight loss, here are ten possible reasons - in the the form of instructions - in no particular order.
1. Stop Drinking Soda
2. Take a Spinning Class at least Once a Week
3. Eat Less Meat
4. Park Far From Your Job / Errands
5. Stop Drinking Sobe Energy Drinks (See #1)
6. Eat More Fruit
7. Eat More Vegetables
8. Lift Weights Twice a Week
9. Do Something Called an "Elliptical Machine" Twice a Week
10. Swim
Hope that helps.
-CL
PS. This may seem easy, but many of these things take time and effort and a new appreciation of things like vegetables, fruits, and non-refined sugars. Seriously.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
