Microsoft Desires Heterosexual Males to Change Sexual Orientation

We're not what you might call "proud" of this piece, but it received some nice words and a few fans, and so, here it is, edited like a motha, 'cause apparently we didn't know how to write real good back then. And by "we" I mean me. -KV

MICROSOFT HARD AT WORK, TURNING STRAIGHT MEN GAY
by Klaus Varley

If you are a man, Microsoft wants to make you gay.

That's right, gay as in homosexual, not as in happy. If you're happy and homosexual, all the better, but, like always, Microsoft cares not if you are happy, regardless of your sexual orientation.

But why is it their desire to turn all men gay? Do they feel gay men are more likely to take advantage of their paying services and not stand up and fight against the giant monopoly?

No. Homosexuals and people who support queer rights have a history of activism and vocal dissonance. There must be another reason.

Well, it's common knowledge that every guy who works at Microsoft is a nerd. Now, I know there are many nerds who are sweet and nice and who DO get laid. Yet these specific nerds can't get laid even when they pull in two-fifty a year, because when they approach a woman in a bar and say (in the cool voice practiced in the mirror oh so many lonely Saturday nights) "hey, I work at Microsoft," all they gets is laughter. Sad laughter. The laughter only a fellow Microsoft nerd can understand.

It was here, in the early days of Microsoft, before Windows XP, before Gates met Bono, the real conspiracy behind Microsoft was born; the wheels set in motion by a young group of programmers. One fateful Friday night they were gathered around a table for their weekly Dungeons and Dragons "battle" when Timothy spoke up.

Timothy: We should be getting laid right now.

Everyone: *Groans.

Timothy: Seriously, why aren't we all getting laid? We run this fucking world!

That's when Christian, (who adopted the Elfin name Rijiu) the level-headed guy of the group, interjected:

Christian: Timothy, it is simply not that simple. (Chuckles from the crowd at his clever wordplay.) Though our jobs are financially profitable, that does not make us sexy.

Timothy: Well what makes us sexy Rijiu? Elfin names?

Christian (irritated): Obviously NOT Elfin names, you crepuscular neophyte, and Timothy, or should I say Storm Trooper #6, you're out of line!

This flurry of incongruity disrupted a bookish looking gent with a twelve-sided die in his hand. Negative energy had flooded the room, and he didn't like it. It was, after all, a very important time in the game.

BLGWTSD (Bookish Looking Gent With a Twelve-Sided Die): Please guys, I'm about to unlock the goblet of Archimedes.

BLGWTSD is ignored.

Timothy: Did you just refer to me as a nondescript member of the Dark Side??!!

Christian: That I did, Jaba helper #3.

Timothy: You have NO RIGHT to do that! I am a person! I have a name! Look at you..you're just some, some Elf! Your real name's Christian!

Christian: Do not disrespect the Elfin code! You have disrupted the primal order by referring to me by my human name! My wrath is-

That was when Marcus, who is sometimes, but not often, referred to as the "jokester," chimed in:

Marcus: We'd be getting laid if all the other men in the world were gay.

Silence fell over the room. Like most deeply humorous things, people laughed because what Marcus had said was funny, and also because it was true.

Timothy: How do we do that?

The following Monday the rainbow butterfly was born. It fluttered and floated around the screen, becoming the symbol for Microsoft.

Timothy (rejoicing): I can see them parading in the streets already! Poontang, here I come!

Also, that was the time when they needed to create an online e-mail service for the company.

Timothy: A name, we need a name.

Christian: I got it.

Christian, high on his epiphany sent out a mass ICQ for all programmers from previous Friday's D&D game to meet in his office. Once gathered, he unveiled his master-thought:

Christian: We'll call it "hotmail."

Collective laughter filled the room and then cheers of joy. Christian had indeed stumbled upon something great, something spectacular, something that comes along only once in lifetime in this lonely, lonely world. He sat back in his chair and smiled, imagining the hordes of heterosexual males who would flock to "Hotmail" (pronounced HOT MALE) to "check" their e-mail (pronounced E-MALE). Yep, pretty soon he'd be the only one not drinking a fruity cocktail at the bars and females? Well, they'd come to him.

Amongst the cheering revelers, only one noticed Christian. One face emerged out of the crowd, bringing with it a fragile twenty-something body. The feeble twenty-something stood at Christian's desk and stuck out its hand. It was Timothy.

Timothy: Good job, Rijiu.

Rijiu: Thank you, Luke.

They shook, drawing out the handshake, longer and longer eventually turning it into a mock competition, enjoying the brief pain they felt here, locked hand in hand, shaking long and hard; these heterosexual men who were about to get laid. It was glorious day in the Microsoft world.

And it was only the beginning.

-KV