Blogging the Oscars with the Sound Off

Blogging the Oscars with the Sound Off

by Langdon Auger

At the request of Klaus I submitted myself to the annual assault on the senses known as the Academy Awards. After the opening song and dance number from Hugh Jackman I decided it would be best to blog with the sound muted, a decision I kept up for the better part of the night.

Now I love Wolverine as much as the next guy, and hell I even have a certain "I’m-not-gay (not that there's anything wrong with it)" affinity for musical theater, but this was just a bit too much. I can’t understand the revolving roster of Oscar hosts. I don’t see that any of them were particularly bad enough to not have back the next year. It’s especially sad when the first presentation was a quintet of Best Supporting Actress Oscar winners featuring former host Whoopi Goldberg. In her thirty second bit she got the loudest laugh of the night from any presenter or host by bringing up her own experiences as a nun when presenting Amy Adams’ performance in Doubt.

Watching the Oscars on mute, I came up with the following insights

-Daniel Craig looks like a badass just standing there next to Sarah Jessica Parker. I can’t tell what he is saying, but I assume it’s something along the line of “James Bond commands you and your whiny quartet of oversexed grandmothers to cease making movies.”

-Twilight douches storm the stage to present some award. How stupid are teenage girls that they think this mopey looking freak is cute. I’m also not down on the high representation of teeny boppers from High School Musical. Maybe if they had nominated movies people cared about for awards that mattered they wouldn’t have to rely on these guys.

-Ben Stiller presents an award with an obnoxious beard and sunglasses, making fun of Joaquin Phoenix. He puts his gum on the podium. What must it feel like to know that every man, woman, and child in America and the better part of the globe is ridiculing you for your pathetic life choices? Not that I’m sympathizing, Phoenix has flipped his wig. At a time when people are being thrown out of work by the thousands this guy is throwing away a promising career and millions of dollars.

-Bill Maher presents the awards for the documentary films. I decide to keep the tv on mute a little bit longer.

-Fincher looks bored when they read his name during the director’s award.

And now, a quick wrap-up on the winners:

- With Penelope Cruz’s Oscar win, can we say that the most attractive woman won the award or not? Because I’m thinking Amy Adams is cuter than Penelope, but Cruz isn’t ugly by any stretch of the imagination.

-Even though it galls me, I am still glad Benjamin Button won awards for basically crap. Makeup, Art Direction, and visual effects. Now I can ignore the film for the rest of my life since the possibility of it achieving something meaningful has passed.

-I am glad Heath Ledger won the Oscar, but I don’t think I am going to let the Academy off the hook for the horrible slight of not nominating The Dark Knight. I want to find someone who will say to my face that The Reader is a better film. I am outraged that they won’t nominate a fantasy film over another holocaust retread.

-Speaking of overlooked, I am also outraged that Wall*E only one won Oscar for best animated film. As much as I loved Dark Knight, Wall*E was the best film of the year. Ben Burtt lost his sound Oscar to Slumdog Millionaire, which was a good movie but I still feel the Pixar film needed more recognition.

-The Reader wins Best Actress. It’s good to see Winslet win, but check out Ron Rosenbaum’s article for slate called “don’t give an oscar to the reader.” It pretty much sums everything up.

-Sean Penn calls the academy “commie homo-loving sons of guns.” Mad props to Spicoli. I liked Rourke. He was great but I thought this one might go Penn’s way. Also Pen had a nice call to arms for gay marriage supporters.

-I am glad Slumdog did so well. In place of Wall*E and The Dark Knight I would gladly accept Danny Boyle’s movie in this position. To hell with all the protests and the usual backlash that comes with a popular movie. Eight Oscars is not a bad take for this small film.

Overall the Oscars were disappointing because of the lackluster movies they nominated. The rest of Hugh Jackman’s musical numbers were fine with the sound turned off, but I’m sure next year we will have someone new. Perhaps Ricky Gervais, or maybe Jon Stewart again. Still, it would be fun to just say screw it, here is a bear with a pink tutu riding a bicycle around.

So now with the Oscars completed its time to wait for summer movie releases. Between Quentin Tarantino, Pixar, and Transformers there should be enough stuff to look forward to (especially a pissed-off- ass-kicking Hugh Jackman, rather than a prancing one).

-LA