The Michael Phelps Bong Controversy: An Article Review

The Michael Phelps Bong Controversy: An Article Review
by Klaus Varley

Because we covered a bit of Phelps during the 2008 Olympics, we find it only fair to drop in on Sports Illustrated Athlete of the Year and see what's cookin' in his world these days.

[An intense scouring of Google News reveals...]

Oh my. It appears the Beijing Golden Boy (BGB) has stepped into another scandal. Phelps apparently was caught on film taking a hit from a bong with a substance that could be marijuana. He immediately apologized for it so this should quickly fade...

Unless the media blows things out of proportion. But they wouldn't do that.

Oh, look, a few (thousand) articles. Here's a sampling of the best, the worst, and the most useful pieces on the latest Phelps folly.

Best Article on the Michael Phelps Bong Controversy

"Big Bong Theory"
by Sally Jenkins
Washington Post, Feb. 3rd, 2009.

Jenkins balances her intimate knowledge of athletes (she has written 8 books - yes, 8 - on the subject) with an air of levity that make us here at The Brothel tip our hat. Ah, so that's how you do it. Well done, madam, well done.

Worst Article on the Michael Phelps Bong Controversy

"Killion: Youth doesn't explain away Phelps's misdeed"
by Ann Killion
San Jose Mercury News, Feb. 2nd, 2009

A superficial analysis of the line of Phelps's public apology statement, "I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way." Killion uses a few notable lines herself. Notably:

"I am not the pot police." I don't know, that sounds like Narc talk to me.

"Insert your own joke here." I'm a columnist who is not familiar with marijuana lingo and so I dare not attempt a joke about it.

"He's not some stoner kid, lounging on the couch, pondering why Homer Simpson is such a great actor." Because "stoners" mistake cartoons for real people.

Actually, they don't. Marijuana isn't a psychedelic, it's a psychoactive, and while those words sound similar, their different definitions mean that stoners wouldn't ponder Homer Simpson's acting ability, but his impact on global youth culture and musical trends since the 1990s, finding connections where there aren't any, and feeling profound while sounding idiotic. That's what I heard, anyway. (Now I'm stealing from Sally Jenkins. Sorry, Sally!)

"Insert your own joke here." Parker pointed out that perhaps she wrote this thinking she would have time to go back and put a joke in, but then it was rushed to press. I somehow doubt that.

Most Useful Article on the Michael Phelps Bong Controversy

Michael Phelps's High-Performance Bong
by Cliff Kuang
Fast Company, Feb. 3rd, 2009

Apparently, it's a ROOR. What's a ROOR?

"Michael Phelps is a fierce competitor, always searching for an edge. Last summer, it was his swimsuit. This winter, it's his bong. And not just any bong...he's using a ROOR, an expensive, high-end product that some people believe is the best performing bong on the market."

Nice work, Cliff. That's what we call "journalism."

Two important questions not being asked in the above articles:

1. Who records people at parties then sells them to British newspapers? Someone needs an ass-whoopin'.

2. Phelps is a role model, apparently in part because he helps sells cereal, fast food, and Speedos to kids. (Kellogg, McDonald's, and er, Speedo) The question being asked is: now that he has been caught imitating Warren G, should he still appear on cereal boxes, happy meals, and, er, Speedos?

Answer: Shouldn't we be asking if it's good for advertisers to target children in the first place?

And...

Have you ever looked at a box of Trix?

Have you ever looked at a box of Trix...on weed?

(That last joke is from a movie called Half Baked, in case you missed it, Ann.)

-KV