Glenn Beck's 9 Principles (For Us to Poop On)

Glenn Beck's 9 Principles

According to the source of sources, conservative television and radio commentator Glenn Beck is on a campaign to extol 9 principles and 12 values - the 9/12 project. No, we are not making this up.

While it could be considered admirable to propose a list of ethics for us to live by, it could also be considered really, really pretentious. Who else does that? Let's see... Oh yeah, god.

The twelve values are straightforward, general, and boring, so they are not listed here. However, Beck's nine principles are hilarious. So here the are, followed by what could be comments from Beck, or might be stuff we thought might be funny - you decide. -TLB

--Glenn Beck's Nine Principles--

1. America Is Good

I mean, American right now, not slave-owning America, or legally segregated America. Why do you have to bring up old stuff?

2. I believe in God and He is the Center of my Life

And is definitely a white male. And straight. Definitely straight.

3. I must always try to be a more honest person than I was yesterday

The key word here is "try."

4. The family is sacred

And so are Jelly Belly's. But who's counting. (Not me. There are a lot of them.)

5. If you break the law you pay the penalty

Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

6. I have a right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness, but there is no guarantee of equal results

Plus, I don't know what that means, I just like the way it sounds.

7. I work hard for what I have and I will share it with whom I want to

Of course by "work" I mean talking into a microphone. What else could "work" mean?

8. It is not un-American for me to disagree with authority or to share my personal opinion

Although this tends to happen far more often when a Democrat is in a position of authority.

9. The government works for me — I do not answer to them, they answer to me

Don't take this to mean the government is efficient and I am satisfied with them. Oh no. No no no no no. I mean that I am the boss and if you don't like that, you are a racist, a socialist, a Latina...ist...or...just GET OFF MY PHONE!!!!1!

-TLB