John Hughes Left Us Bupkis

Editor's note: While we often agree with Langdon, this time we do not. Perhaps a response piece is forthcoming. Perhaps just editing out some of the negative things he said about The Breakfast Club will suffice. Yes, these pieces are edited. Surprise! -KV

John Hughes Left Us Bupkis
Langdon Auger

Michael Jackson may have molested children, but when he died I was sad. John Hughes died today and I have to say the movie goer is better off.

Let's be clear, there are some high points to his career. Ferris Bueller' Day Off isn't all that bad, and he is responsible for some of the late John Candy's finer work, including Uncle Buck and the undeniably great Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. But then again John Candy was a national treasure (even though he is Canadian I claim him for America.)

But Hughes' other movies are filled with smug crap. Besides dying, the best thing Hughes did was stop directing movies in 1991.

Alright, that may be a little harsh, but let me present the evidence.

Exhibit Ringwald

The Molly Ringwald oeuvre is a trio of obnoxious dramedies that melt the adult intellect into a gray sludge that dribbles out of your ears. And everthing is disaffected. If it's not the disaffected teenage girl pining for the high school jock, it's the disaffected teenage girl pining for the high school rich kid, or the disaffected teenage girl pining for the high school bad boy.

Plus, John Hughes stretched the bounds of Ringwald's acting talents. Seriously.

Lastly, these films - Pretty in Pink, Sixteen Candles, and The Breakfast Club - lack any resonance with teenagers outside a slim, spoiled demographic.

What the hell are you three looking at? Oh don't smile or anything. We all know how tough it is to grow up in a safe, protected, Illinois suburb, free of gangs, drugs, violence, and poverty.

Exibit Breakfast Club

How whiny is The Breakfast Club? "I got a pack of cigarettes for Christmas. My dad puts cigarettes out on me. Somebody call the Wah-mbulance." Everybody has problems, Judd Nelson. Guess what? High school ends in four years. After it you can go get a job in the exciting world of telemarketing or insurance sales.

Exibit Nerd

Why in god's name doesn't the nerdy Anthony Michael Hall ever find any sort of relationships in these movies? Even the weird silent girl with dandruff problems played by Ally Sheedy gets a little action by the end of BC from the future Mighty Ducks coach.

Exhibit Weird Science

At least it's not as bad as Weird Science, wherein Anthony Michael Hall gets a little bit of play from a conjured-genie-electronic-robot-girl thing. And it's not as bad as Curly Sue, an abortive Shirley Temple film starring the multi talented James Belushi. And then there are his post-retirement screen writing credits, including Home Alone, Beethoven, Maid in Manhattan, and Drillbit Taylor.

And even though Ferris is a fun movie, I could personally do without the last half hour where it gets all emotional and introspective. I think it goes south after the art gallery scene where Matthew Broderick bangs what's-her-name. Cameron goes all catatonic because he can't cope with simple human emotions and wrecks his dad's car saying "now he will have to talk to me." I wouldn't mind seeing the deleted scene where Cameron's dad gets hopped up on Old Crow Whiskey and beats Cameron to within an inch of his life. You know Cameron, maybe you could try talking to your father. If he is interested in cars, say this: "hey dad, how is your car?" But no, you're right, it's much better to mope around and passive-aggressively antagonize your father. Because it's not like you're ever going to need to borrow money from him in the future.

Hughes is the man whose movies inspired an entire generation to be ultra-whiny, overly emotional, generally worthless, and have an unearned sense of entitlement.

Thank you for your career, John Hughes. I know right now you are inspiring angels up in heaven to be incredibly petty and narrow minded and revolt over very minor issues that wouldn't bother anyone with a half a brain.

-LA