My Internet Ritual

My Internet Ritual
Klaus Varley

If you're reading this, you're probably wondering, "Why did Google take me here when I specifically searched for "LA Asian Fetish Brothel?"

The answer: Google works in mysterious ways.

The answer is also: Welcome to The Literary Brothel! Since you're obviously an experienced internet surfer, I wanted to share with you a (virtual) wave of my own.

Below I've taken you step-by-step - including links - through a recent round of surfing by yours truly, Klaus Varley.

Who is Klaus Varley and why should you care which sites he visits? Let's table that question for now, at least until you've finished reading the next section.

A Quick Ride Though Klaus Varley's Internet Ritual

First, we go to Google, but instead of looking for anything particular (such as "LA Asian Fetish Brothels," as an example), we click the News link at the top that takes us to Google News.

After skimming the headlines, and clicking on an article about the falling cost of the Xbox 360, we feel thoroughly informed about all news around the world and move on. That was two minutes well spent.

Next we hit up The Literary Brothel, yes, this site. Any new comments? No? WE HATE ALL OUR READERS!

Just kidding. We scroll down to the "Friends of the Literary Brothel" links on the left side and start clicking. Today we hit up A Lotus Grows in Brooklyn, but alas it's on "vacation" or something. (Isn't vacation the best time to update your blog?) Next it's on to the very literary, often over-our-heads-because-we-don't-read enough The Fiction Advocate. A new post about James Wood? Oh yeah. Cool. I guess. Um. Who is that, again?

Shamed by our intellectual inadequacy, we go to Facebook. Ah, mundane comments and a cool link or two from friends with even more time on their hands than us. We drop a snarky (that's right) comment on a lame picture posted by Parker Briggsmore, and we even update our status: "...saw a houseplant dive to its own death before our very eyes!" It's true.

We start to feel the moral pangs known to all procrastintors, and realize we have to get back to work soon. This wave has almost petered out, but not before we get over to YouTube and catch a couple of new vids from The Young Turks. Oh no!

Now we're angry at Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh, and we go back to Facebook and troll for anyone who repeats the retarded talking points of the right and attack attack attack! and by now we've not only lost time but we've lost our sense of humor, and the only worst possible thing we could do would be to...blog about it.

After I click "Publish Post" we swear we're off to the YMCA for a workout.

Oh, the YMCA - our source for future posts.

Stay tuned.

-KV

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PS. What's your ritual? Is it lamer than ours? Impossible, sir!

PPS. Is "lamer" a word?

PPPS. Apparently it's a French facial cream. La Mer. Try it.

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