Klaus Varley
If you didn't know before you read the title to this blog, I am in Taiwan. I'll be writing about it and posting pictures, and hopefully it'll be very funny and only slightly racist, and not the other way around.
If this blog ends after this sentence, it means I haven't figured out how to get online, or I DID figure out how to get online, but got lost amidst the confusion and jet lag and forgot to post. (In other words, I'm not really in Taiwan while I'm writing these words, but by the time you read this I will be.)*
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* Parentheticals do not count as additional sentences. Nor do starred footnotes.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Conversation between the pilots of Northwest Airlines Flt 188
Klaus Varley
On October 21st, 2009, on a routine flight from San Diego to Minneapolis, Captain Timothy Cheney (53) and First Officer Richard Cole (54) were out of touch with air traffic controllers for 78 minutes and overflew their destination by 150 miles.
It was discovered the two men were distracted by their laptop computers.
We at The Literary Brothel already knew this, however, as one of our members overheard the conversation between the pilots while waiting in line for the restrooms at the front of the plane. This is what was heard:
---
Captain Timothy Cheney (CTC): Are you ready to be my white tiger?
First Officer Richard Cole (FORC): Ready.
CTC: Powered up?
FORC: I'm trying.
CTC: What do you mean, trying?
FORC: It won't let me pick up the thing. I'm clicking and it's not picking up.
[Rampant clicking is heard. Then an odd BRRRRINGG!]
FORC: Got it.
CTC: Did you hear that?
FORC: This game has great effects.
CTC: I know. I've never heard that one before.
FORC: They're always surprising you with new sounds.
CTC: Badass.
[Computer noises of some sort that could be warnings from air traffic controllers, or could be part of a sweet video game.]
FORC: I want to explore the forest.
CTC: Hold on there, Fork, you just advanced to level twelve.
FORC: I told you never to call me that.
CTC: Get over it.
FORC: So what about the forest?
CTC: Forget about it, Fork, you're not ready.
FORC: That's it!
[Typing sounds.]
FORC: Rawwrrrrrr!
[Furious clicking of the like that have seldom been heard before.]
CTC: What the hell, dude?
FORC: Rawr.
CTC: Did you just attack me?
FORC: Rawr.
CTC: Alright, stop saying that.
FORC: What are you going to do?
CTC: This!
[The unmistakable sound of a dramatic pressing of a button.]
FORC: Noooooo! Nooooooo!
CTC: Muhahahahahaha.
[In the background, an odd beep and what sounds like the voice of a radio transmission asking for verification of coordinates or something. It is quickly drowned out by...]
FORC: Noooooooooooooooo!
CTC: Rawr.
FORC: I built that character up for six months!
CTC: When you play with the bull, you get the horns.
FORC: I'll give you the horns.
[Silence]
CTC: What does that mean?
FORC: Beats me. Another quest?
CTC: Let's do i--Wait. What time were we suppose to get to Minneapolis?
FORC: Oh shit.
-TLB
On October 21st, 2009, on a routine flight from San Diego to Minneapolis, Captain Timothy Cheney (53) and First Officer Richard Cole (54) were out of touch with air traffic controllers for 78 minutes and overflew their destination by 150 miles.
It was discovered the two men were distracted by their laptop computers.
We at The Literary Brothel already knew this, however, as one of our members overheard the conversation between the pilots while waiting in line for the restrooms at the front of the plane. This is what was heard:
---
Captain Timothy Cheney (CTC): Are you ready to be my white tiger?
First Officer Richard Cole (FORC): Ready.
CTC: Powered up?
FORC: I'm trying.
CTC: What do you mean, trying?
FORC: It won't let me pick up the thing. I'm clicking and it's not picking up.
[Rampant clicking is heard. Then an odd BRRRRINGG!]
FORC: Got it.
CTC: Did you hear that?
FORC: This game has great effects.
CTC: I know. I've never heard that one before.
FORC: They're always surprising you with new sounds.
CTC: Badass.
[Computer noises of some sort that could be warnings from air traffic controllers, or could be part of a sweet video game.]
FORC: I want to explore the forest.
CTC: Hold on there, Fork, you just advanced to level twelve.
FORC: I told you never to call me that.
CTC: Get over it.
FORC: So what about the forest?
CTC: Forget about it, Fork, you're not ready.
FORC: That's it!
[Typing sounds.]
FORC: Rawwrrrrrr!
[Furious clicking of the like that have seldom been heard before.]
CTC: What the hell, dude?
FORC: Rawr.
CTC: Did you just attack me?
FORC: Rawr.
CTC: Alright, stop saying that.
FORC: What are you going to do?
CTC: This!
[The unmistakable sound of a dramatic pressing of a button.]
FORC: Noooooo! Nooooooo!
CTC: Muhahahahahaha.
[In the background, an odd beep and what sounds like the voice of a radio transmission asking for verification of coordinates or something. It is quickly drowned out by...]
FORC: Noooooooooooooooo!
CTC: Rawr.
FORC: I built that character up for six months!
CTC: When you play with the bull, you get the horns.
FORC: I'll give you the horns.
[Silence]
CTC: What does that mean?
FORC: Beats me. Another quest?
CTC: Let's do i--Wait. What time were we suppose to get to Minneapolis?
FORC: Oh shit.
-TLB
Thursday, October 22, 2009
On the Comments on "Medical marijuana is an insult to our intelligence" by Charles Lane of the Washington Post
by Charlie Luzon
It may be helpful to read this short op-ed piece by Washington Post opinion writer Charles Lane before reading on. Or not. Whatever. -KV
When Charles Lane decided to write a short column on how the majority of medical marijuana recipients are not people with chronic pain or illness, but just ordinary folks who want to smoke weed, he should have stuck to the facts.
Because he's right - people ARE taking advantage of the system. And yes, we should have an open debate on legalizing marijuana instead of the strange "sorta-legal" system we have today in states like California.
Instead, Lane just did what one might do in an opinion piece - he gave his opinion. But because it was in the Washington Post (online), you'd have expected him to do a little research. I mean, at least a LITTLE.
Lane admits he's "unsure" about marijuana legalization, musing how it's likely a "gateway drug." Gateway drug? I haven't heard that argument since my days in DARE (and since I realized that by definition, alcohol and tobacco lead the charge). The author also refers to marijuana sold in dispensaries as "snake oil" since it is not regulated by the FDA. Chinese and Eastern medicine advocates everywhere blinked.
How did readers react to such declarations? Were they 50/50, for and against the piece? Let's just say, "no." No they were not.
Also, Lane probably did not know that the web and the bong go hand in hand. Posted on Tuesday, Lane's piece has more comments than anything he's written this year. The ratio? Out of the first twenty (did you think I was going to go through all the comments?) 1 supported his argument, 1 was neutral, and 18 were against. Ardently against.
That's what you get when you take a shot in the dark, and in the dark is giant monster that doesn't like to be shot.*
Some choice comments:
"When alcohol and tobacco have legal status, the stench of hypocrisy that emanates from the likes of you complaining about "Medical Marijuana" being an insult is unbearable."
"Every time I read ignorant crap like this posting, it makes my blood boil. This filth has no place in a paper as famous as the Post for its journalistic integrity."
-cv_collins
"Your self righteous, ignorant musings are causing me direct harm by denying me legal access to a harmless herb."
-gbeckmann9
"Are you a journalist or newspaper jockey? Ironically, it was Hearst's yellow journalism that got us in this mess in the first place, but I am sure an irony is lost on you."
-snowbank
"How are alcohol and tobacco not schedule I drugs when they are highly addictive and have absolutely no medical value?"
-wildmonkey12
"Thanks to the Washington Post, reading has become an insult to my intelligence."
-moharr
There are so many great responses as well as humorous cheap shots, it's hard to know where to end the piece.
I'll just say this: I agree with wildmonkey12.
Don't we always?
Seriously.
-CL
---
* In this case the "monster" is online marijuana advocates.
It may be helpful to read this short op-ed piece by Washington Post opinion writer Charles Lane before reading on. Or not. Whatever. -KV
When Charles Lane decided to write a short column on how the majority of medical marijuana recipients are not people with chronic pain or illness, but just ordinary folks who want to smoke weed, he should have stuck to the facts.
Because he's right - people ARE taking advantage of the system. And yes, we should have an open debate on legalizing marijuana instead of the strange "sorta-legal" system we have today in states like California.
Instead, Lane just did what one might do in an opinion piece - he gave his opinion. But because it was in the Washington Post (online), you'd have expected him to do a little research. I mean, at least a LITTLE.
Lane admits he's "unsure" about marijuana legalization, musing how it's likely a "gateway drug." Gateway drug? I haven't heard that argument since my days in DARE (and since I realized that by definition, alcohol and tobacco lead the charge). The author also refers to marijuana sold in dispensaries as "snake oil" since it is not regulated by the FDA. Chinese and Eastern medicine advocates everywhere blinked.
How did readers react to such declarations? Were they 50/50, for and against the piece? Let's just say, "no." No they were not.
Also, Lane probably did not know that the web and the bong go hand in hand. Posted on Tuesday, Lane's piece has more comments than anything he's written this year. The ratio? Out of the first twenty (did you think I was going to go through all the comments?) 1 supported his argument, 1 was neutral, and 18 were against. Ardently against.
That's what you get when you take a shot in the dark, and in the dark is giant monster that doesn't like to be shot.*
Some choice comments:
"When alcohol and tobacco have legal status, the stench of hypocrisy that emanates from the likes of you complaining about "Medical Marijuana" being an insult is unbearable."
-HumanSimpleton
"Every time I read ignorant crap like this posting, it makes my blood boil. This filth has no place in a paper as famous as the Post for its journalistic integrity."
-cv_collins
"Your self righteous, ignorant musings are causing me direct harm by denying me legal access to a harmless herb."
-gbeckmann9
"Are you a journalist or newspaper jockey? Ironically, it was Hearst's yellow journalism that got us in this mess in the first place, but I am sure an irony is lost on you."
-snowbank
"How are alcohol and tobacco not schedule I drugs when they are highly addictive and have absolutely no medical value?"
-wildmonkey12
"Thanks to the Washington Post, reading has become an insult to my intelligence."
-moharr
There are so many great responses as well as humorous cheap shots, it's hard to know where to end the piece.
I'll just say this: I agree with wildmonkey12.
Don't we always?
Seriously.
-CL
---
* In this case the "monster" is online marijuana advocates.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
The Literary Brothel vs Love the Cock
I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend who heard it from another you've been messin' around.
-REO Speedwagon
Though we have about 5 followers on Twitter, one of them is @ShannonAlbert* (you may recall Shannon from this post**) who recently informed us that Jeff Lundquist or whomever bought www.TheLiteraryBrothel.com linked it to a porn site for a brief period of time.***
I was confused by this, as now the www.theliterarybrothel.com goes straight to GoDaddy.com. Today, however, while running our weekly (not really) Google search for "literary brothel" the first result was a bit surprising: www.lovethecock.com
Love the Cock
www.lovethecock.com
www.lovethecock.com
Could this be a site for poultry lovers and foodies? Um, no. As porn sites do, "Love the Cock" quickly dispels all mystery with bare description:
"FREE GAY PORN MOVIES & GAY SEX VIDEOS XXX TUBE"
First of all, we had no idea there was an XTube AND a double-X Tube LET ALONE a triple-X Tube. Vin Diesel should be proud.
Second, why would a search for "literary brothel" lead visitors to a gay porn site? The only reason we can come up with is that Jeff Lundquist or someone at National Contact Registry linked us to it. Perhaps they were upset that the third result in a search for "National Contact Registry" finds our subtly titled piece: National Contact Registry Can Suck It.
Or maybe it was an accident?
Maybe we'll never now.
Meanwhile, when Googling "literary brothel," avoid clicking that "I'm feeling lucky" button.
Unless you're ready to see a lot of cock.
Seriously.-KV
---
* Names on Twitter are written with an @ sign before them. This causes mass confusion at first, followed quickly by mass boredom.
** The National Contact Registry is the group who bought the domain www.theliterarybrothel.com when we failed to immediatly renue it, and then illegally continued to post material published material from our site. If you clicked the link up there, then these words you're reading probably seem quite repetitious.
*** Sorry about all the links. And the stars.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
A letter to the neighbors moving in that I didn't give to them, instead rewriting it to make it "nice."
To Our New Neighbors Below Us:
Thank you for your note last month alerting us of the ongoing construction on your unit. It was very polite and cordial. And quiet. The letter was, I mean.
For the most part, the construction noise has been reasonable, intermittently scaring the crap out of our me and our cat eight hours during the day. But those are business hours, so, whatever.
Today, however, the pounding began at 7am. Because the GRRRAZZZZHTTHHHHZZZ and HHEEPPPECKCKKKKKKKACCKKKKK is directly below our apartment, it is impossible to block out the noise. (You may have though I was joking about how the noise scares me and the cat. Now you know I was not.)
Is there any chance that future work on your place could begin later in the morning? That would be greatly appreciated and super conducive to a neighborly atmosphere.
Warmest Welcome,
-Charlie Luzon
P.S. The letter can also be summed up in the following poem:
When you move in
I can stomp
and you'll hear it
So tell your construction people
to chill.
As Klaus says,
seriously...
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
In the News
Klaus Varley
It's not as if it's late on a Tuesday night and we promised to update every Tuesday and Thursday so we're pulling the headlines from Google News and making jokes about them. No, it's not like that at all. -KV
GOP's Snowe shaped health bill before backing it Allegedly, Snowe folded the papers into a swan, trying out the origami recently learned from a YouTube video.
U.K. to Add Troops in Afghanistan In other news, U.K. to subtract troops from Buckingham Palace after realizing muskets and high stepping is really more of a distraction than protection.
Nobel panel defends decision to award peace prize to Obama The panel also wonders if you know who Martti Ahtisaari is. If not, shut the hell up about the damn prize.
Health Insurers Emerge as Obama's Top Foe Just edging out Bowser, who might be waiting in the next castle even though Obama already knocked him into the lava.
Michelle Obama Offers More Healthy Food Tips With this headline, Michelle Obama has now appeared in the news 183 more times than Laura Bush did her eight years in the same position. (What did Laura Bush ever promote?)
UCLA student charged with attempted murder in attack The bad joke around campus: "Biology is a tough major, but Chemistry is cutthroat."
A Historic Success In Military Recruiting This came as no surprise to the armed forces. The secret? Plant the seed early. Recruiters spotted handed out "Happy Deals" to unsuspecting kindergarteners who thought they were playing a fun contract game.
Why Rush Limbaugh Belongs In The NFL He can do the 40 in 4.4 when running the pharmacy to get more Oxycontin. And I hear he loves black people. LOVES them.
Seriously.
-KV
It's not as if it's late on a Tuesday night and we promised to update every Tuesday and Thursday so we're pulling the headlines from Google News and making jokes about them. No, it's not like that at all. -KV
GOP's Snowe shaped health bill before backing it Allegedly, Snowe folded the papers into a swan, trying out the origami recently learned from a YouTube video.
U.K. to Add Troops in Afghanistan In other news, U.K. to subtract troops from Buckingham Palace after realizing muskets and high stepping is really more of a distraction than protection.
Nobel panel defends decision to award peace prize to Obama The panel also wonders if you know who Martti Ahtisaari is. If not, shut the hell up about the damn prize.
Health Insurers Emerge as Obama's Top Foe Just edging out Bowser, who might be waiting in the next castle even though Obama already knocked him into the lava.
Michelle Obama Offers More Healthy Food Tips With this headline, Michelle Obama has now appeared in the news 183 more times than Laura Bush did her eight years in the same position. (What did Laura Bush ever promote?)
UCLA student charged with attempted murder in attack The bad joke around campus: "Biology is a tough major, but Chemistry is cutthroat."
A Historic Success In Military Recruiting This came as no surprise to the armed forces. The secret? Plant the seed early. Recruiters spotted handed out "Happy Deals" to unsuspecting kindergarteners who thought they were playing a fun contract game.
Why Rush Limbaugh Belongs In The NFL He can do the 40 in 4.4 when running the pharmacy to get more Oxycontin. And I hear he loves black people. LOVES them.
Seriously.
-KV
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Best (Worst?) YouTube Names
Klaus Varley
The names below are culled from the comments section of the YouTube video, "Glenn Beck DESTROYS Richard Blumenthal, " which, after searching "Glenn Beck" on YouTube, was the first pro-Beck video to come up. The first seven or eight did not paint Beck in such a glowing light, and the commenter names weren't nearly as humorous.*
What's in a name? Everything. Okay, not "everything," but names say a little something about your personality - especially if you chose it yourself. Below are a collection of YouTube monikers followed by an educated guess about the character of the person behind the letters. -KV
---
nowhiteguilthere - Native American shaman.
FatLibertarian - Likes meat.
demdouches - Did not wait in line to see Capitalism: A Love Story
ilovethiscountry1 - Brazilian beach volleyball referee.
TheTruthHurts9999 - Has good teeth.
MissingGWdotcom - Didn't miss Bush when he was on vacation 42% of his time in office during the eight months leading up to 9/11.
TheLiberalssuckdick - Loves an old fashioned mix of conservatism and homophobia.
northernpatriot54 - Proud to be a Canadian.
mssedmebich - Good at dodging spelling classes.
anticheese - Lactose intolerant.
GreatSatan1 - Great at evil, bad at disguising motives.
chancellordumbfuck - A fan of contradictions.
tasha19862005 - Likes numbers.
punishobama - Into S&M.
chocolatefuckingmilk - Peter Pan.
-TLB
---
* Star.
What's in a name? Everything. Okay, not "everything," but names say a little something about your personality - especially if you chose it yourself. Below are a collection of YouTube monikers followed by an educated guess about the character of the person behind the letters. -KV
---
FatLibertarian - Likes meat.
demdouches - Did not wait in line to see Capitalism: A Love Story
ilovethiscountry1 - Brazilian beach volleyball referee.
TheTruthHurts9999 - Has good teeth.
MissingGWdotcom - Didn't miss Bush when he was on vacation 42% of his time in office during the eight months leading up to 9/11.
TheLiberalssuckdick - Loves an old fashioned mix of conservatism and homophobia.
northernpatriot54 - Proud to be a Canadian.
mssedmebich - Good at dodging spelling classes.
anticheese - Lactose intolerant.
GreatSatan1 - Great at evil, bad at disguising motives.
chancellordumbfuck - A fan of contradictions.
tasha19862005 - Likes numbers.
punishobama - Into S&M.
chocolatefuckingmilk - Peter Pan.
-TLB
---
* Star.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
New Posts that aren't Quotes - Coming Soon
Klaus Varley...has a lot in the works.
Charlie Luzon...may have something in the near future.
Langdon...is watching movies. He will probably have something soon.
Parker...is playing RockBand.
We update every Tuesday and Thursday.
Check back to see if we were lying...
-TLB
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Quotes from Glee
Though it's a pretty blatant ripoff of Election, and our enthusiasm for the new Fox comedy Glee has faded a bit since the first two episodes due to a decision to apparently make it a show about high school pregnancy and coming out stories, there's still some choice lines in the show. Here a few of them, probably incorrect since we're doing this from memory, but hey, we're not going to watch the whole darn episode again just to get it right...or are we? -TLB
"Who's Josh Groban? Kill yourself."
"I've got a phoner. That's an interview. I think I'm going to take it on my iPhone."
"And this room is where our daughter or gay son will sleep."
"He (Josh Groban) is an angel sent from heaven to deliver platinum records onto us."
"Why do you think it's my fault?"
"I don't see anyone else around here holding a plate of 'I'm sorry' cookies, do you?"
"I'm a good guy: I'll put up with your crazy, I'm a minority - so they can never fire me. That's about as good as it gets around here."
"All this place needs is twelve bodies under the floorboards covered in lye."
"I bust the windows out yo car."
"If you liked it you should've put a ring on it." (See, there are songs in the show...)
"I want to take over the Glee club"
"Do you want to captain the Titanic too?"
"I'm not homophobic. I have two gay dads."
---
Just watch the darn show already. It's on Hulu. No excuses.
-TLB
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