Klaus Varley
For Part I, see the post that came before this one. Or click here.
Please Note: You might think that since this is the second part of the post on the flight, it would be about the flight back. You would be wrong. The flight TO Taiwan took 14 hours. That warrants two posts, don't you think?
Also Please Note: It actually doesn't matter what you answer to the previous question. Here's another post about the flight to Taiwan.
--The Flight Part II--
4am - Woke up from my night's sleep a.k.a. 2.5 hour nap.
4:30am - Opened eyes.
5am - Realized it was actually 8pm.
8:01 pm - Asked L if she knew it was actually 8pm. Turns out she knew.
8:35 pm - Pong.
9:35 pm - Beverage.
10:00 pm - Bathroom.
10:34 pm - Returned to seat.
10:45 pm - Realized there was only an hour left of the flight. Decided to do some reading.
10:46 pm - One more game of Pong.
10:58 pm - Reading.
11:30 pm - Lights of Taiwan show up in window. Reading ends. Glad I brought TWO books.
11:55 pm - Arrive in Taiwan! Plan the lie to get through Customs. "No, I did NOT know my passport shouldn't expire for at least six month." Can say it well in English, but sucks in Chinese.
Next up: Customs!
Seriously.
-KV
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Klaus in Taiwain - The Flight
Klaus Varley
What the hell do you do on a 14 hour flight? That's what I wanted to know. And now I DO know. And so will you, if you continue reading.
We left in the afternoon. By "we" I mean "L" and me.
4:50 - Miracle of propelling a multi-ton metal box containing hundreds of people into the air achieved....ie: plane takes off, no one appreciates miracle. Feel a little like Jesus surrounded by disbelievers.
5:30 - L wants to start Year One simultaneously so we laugh at the same time. I anticipate problems with this, but go along.
6:30 - The problems have set in: Year One sucks. Now bored, I nearly turn the movie off. L is more patient. We will watch until the end.
6:59 - Movie paused. :)
7:00 - Food served by ultra-thin, Chinese stewardess in a lime green uniform.
7:01 - Movie resumed. :(
7:15 - Year One ends! Consider joke relating the length of the movie to the title. Save it for the blog.
8:15 - Trays cleared by fast moving Chinese stewardess in lime green uniform.
8:20 - Strange video games discovered on seat screen-console. Connect-4 seems to go by another name. Pong remains the same.
9:30 - Lights out. Only A-holes remain up with their personal lights or TV screens blaring in the eyes of other people. Or at least, that's what the looks of other passengers seem to say.
10:00 - Alright, alright, I'll turn my screen off.
10:02 - Turn screen off and attempt to sleep. Pong sucks anyway.
10:03 - Realize I have to go to the bathroom. Woman in the aisle sleep looks asleep - but is anyone REALLY asleep?
10:20 - Yep, she is.
10:25 - Try to sleep.
1:00 - Notice the woman shuffle. An eye opens. Caught! I'm up.
1:05 - Waiting for bathroom next to a draped off room where a group of Chinese, lime green stewardesses have congregated.
1:08 - Realize they're called "flight attendants," not "stewardesses."
1:09 - Realize I should probably start thinking about what people and things are called in Chinese.
1:10 - Older woman joins me waiting for the bathroom.
1:12 - Realize I don't know how to say, "bathroom" in Chinese.
1:15 - Bathroom opens up. I let the older woman go before me, much to her amazement...and mine.
1:16 - I go to another bathroom. Apparently I chose the only bathroom with a line.
1:20 - Back to seat to attempt to sleep.
1:30 - Drifting into unconsciously, I realize we've been flying over the Pacific Ocean for 9 hours and wonder what they would have thought about this 150 years ago.
1:31 - Fall asleep thinking about time machines.
...
Tune in Thursday for the exciting conclusion of "Klaus in Taiwan - The Flight!" I promise big surprises.
Seriously.
-KV
What the hell do you do on a 14 hour flight? That's what I wanted to know. And now I DO know. And so will you, if you continue reading.
We left in the afternoon. By "we" I mean "L" and me.
4:50 - Miracle of propelling a multi-ton metal box containing hundreds of people into the air achieved....ie: plane takes off, no one appreciates miracle. Feel a little like Jesus surrounded by disbelievers.
5:30 - L wants to start Year One simultaneously so we laugh at the same time. I anticipate problems with this, but go along.
6:30 - The problems have set in: Year One sucks. Now bored, I nearly turn the movie off. L is more patient. We will watch until the end.
6:59 - Movie paused. :)
7:00 - Food served by ultra-thin, Chinese stewardess in a lime green uniform.
7:01 - Movie resumed. :(
7:15 - Year One ends! Consider joke relating the length of the movie to the title. Save it for the blog.
8:15 - Trays cleared by fast moving Chinese stewardess in lime green uniform.
8:20 - Strange video games discovered on seat screen-console. Connect-4 seems to go by another name. Pong remains the same.
9:30 - Lights out. Only A-holes remain up with their personal lights or TV screens blaring in the eyes of other people. Or at least, that's what the looks of other passengers seem to say.
10:00 - Alright, alright, I'll turn my screen off.
10:02 - Turn screen off and attempt to sleep. Pong sucks anyway.
10:03 - Realize I have to go to the bathroom. Woman in the aisle sleep looks asleep - but is anyone REALLY asleep?
10:20 - Yep, she is.
10:25 - Try to sleep.
1:00 - Notice the woman shuffle. An eye opens. Caught! I'm up.
1:05 - Waiting for bathroom next to a draped off room where a group of Chinese, lime green stewardesses have congregated.
1:08 - Realize they're called "flight attendants," not "stewardesses."
1:09 - Realize I should probably start thinking about what people and things are called in Chinese.
1:10 - Older woman joins me waiting for the bathroom.
1:12 - Realize I don't know how to say, "bathroom" in Chinese.
1:15 - Bathroom opens up. I let the older woman go before me, much to her amazement...and mine.
1:16 - I go to another bathroom. Apparently I chose the only bathroom with a line.
1:20 - Back to seat to attempt to sleep.
1:30 - Drifting into unconsciously, I realize we've been flying over the Pacific Ocean for 9 hours and wonder what they would have thought about this 150 years ago.
1:31 - Fall asleep thinking about time machines.
...
Tune in Thursday for the exciting conclusion of "Klaus in Taiwan - The Flight!" I promise big surprises.
Seriously.
-KV
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Jet Lag is Crazy
Which is why the only post today will be this one, telling you how crazy jet lag is.
Tune in next week for posts about Taiwan. Yes, with pictures! (Or video? Check back Tuesday and see!)
-KV
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Sure, it's really Tuesday
Reader comments to the contrary, this post really is on time...it really is Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009. We would never fail to update on a regular basis.
Alright, back to Taiwan stuff. Because we're still in Taiwan doing Taiwanese things.
Seriously.
-KV
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Klaus Varley in Taiwan, Day 1
Klaus Varley
If you didn't know before you read the title to this blog, I am in Taiwan. I'll be writing about it and posting pictures, and hopefully it'll be very funny and only slightly racist, and not the other way around.
If this blog ends after this sentence, it means I haven't figured out how to get online, or I DID figure out how to get online, but got lost amidst the confusion and jet lag and forgot to post. (In other words, I'm not really in Taiwan while I'm writing these words, but by the time you read this I will be.)*
---
* Parentheticals do not count as additional sentences. Nor do starred footnotes.
If you didn't know before you read the title to this blog, I am in Taiwan. I'll be writing about it and posting pictures, and hopefully it'll be very funny and only slightly racist, and not the other way around.
If this blog ends after this sentence, it means I haven't figured out how to get online, or I DID figure out how to get online, but got lost amidst the confusion and jet lag and forgot to post. (In other words, I'm not really in Taiwan while I'm writing these words, but by the time you read this I will be.)*
---
* Parentheticals do not count as additional sentences. Nor do starred footnotes.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Conversation between the pilots of Northwest Airlines Flt 188
Klaus Varley
On October 21st, 2009, on a routine flight from San Diego to Minneapolis, Captain Timothy Cheney (53) and First Officer Richard Cole (54) were out of touch with air traffic controllers for 78 minutes and overflew their destination by 150 miles.
It was discovered the two men were distracted by their laptop computers.
We at The Literary Brothel already knew this, however, as one of our members overheard the conversation between the pilots while waiting in line for the restrooms at the front of the plane. This is what was heard:
---
Captain Timothy Cheney (CTC): Are you ready to be my white tiger?
First Officer Richard Cole (FORC): Ready.
CTC: Powered up?
FORC: I'm trying.
CTC: What do you mean, trying?
FORC: It won't let me pick up the thing. I'm clicking and it's not picking up.
[Rampant clicking is heard. Then an odd BRRRRINGG!]
FORC: Got it.
CTC: Did you hear that?
FORC: This game has great effects.
CTC: I know. I've never heard that one before.
FORC: They're always surprising you with new sounds.
CTC: Badass.
[Computer noises of some sort that could be warnings from air traffic controllers, or could be part of a sweet video game.]
FORC: I want to explore the forest.
CTC: Hold on there, Fork, you just advanced to level twelve.
FORC: I told you never to call me that.
CTC: Get over it.
FORC: So what about the forest?
CTC: Forget about it, Fork, you're not ready.
FORC: That's it!
[Typing sounds.]
FORC: Rawwrrrrrr!
[Furious clicking of the like that have seldom been heard before.]
CTC: What the hell, dude?
FORC: Rawr.
CTC: Did you just attack me?
FORC: Rawr.
CTC: Alright, stop saying that.
FORC: What are you going to do?
CTC: This!
[The unmistakable sound of a dramatic pressing of a button.]
FORC: Noooooo! Nooooooo!
CTC: Muhahahahahaha.
[In the background, an odd beep and what sounds like the voice of a radio transmission asking for verification of coordinates or something. It is quickly drowned out by...]
FORC: Noooooooooooooooo!
CTC: Rawr.
FORC: I built that character up for six months!
CTC: When you play with the bull, you get the horns.
FORC: I'll give you the horns.
[Silence]
CTC: What does that mean?
FORC: Beats me. Another quest?
CTC: Let's do i--Wait. What time were we suppose to get to Minneapolis?
FORC: Oh shit.
-TLB
On October 21st, 2009, on a routine flight from San Diego to Minneapolis, Captain Timothy Cheney (53) and First Officer Richard Cole (54) were out of touch with air traffic controllers for 78 minutes and overflew their destination by 150 miles.
It was discovered the two men were distracted by their laptop computers.
We at The Literary Brothel already knew this, however, as one of our members overheard the conversation between the pilots while waiting in line for the restrooms at the front of the plane. This is what was heard:
---
Captain Timothy Cheney (CTC): Are you ready to be my white tiger?
First Officer Richard Cole (FORC): Ready.
CTC: Powered up?
FORC: I'm trying.
CTC: What do you mean, trying?
FORC: It won't let me pick up the thing. I'm clicking and it's not picking up.
[Rampant clicking is heard. Then an odd BRRRRINGG!]
FORC: Got it.
CTC: Did you hear that?
FORC: This game has great effects.
CTC: I know. I've never heard that one before.
FORC: They're always surprising you with new sounds.
CTC: Badass.
[Computer noises of some sort that could be warnings from air traffic controllers, or could be part of a sweet video game.]
FORC: I want to explore the forest.
CTC: Hold on there, Fork, you just advanced to level twelve.
FORC: I told you never to call me that.
CTC: Get over it.
FORC: So what about the forest?
CTC: Forget about it, Fork, you're not ready.
FORC: That's it!
[Typing sounds.]
FORC: Rawwrrrrrr!
[Furious clicking of the like that have seldom been heard before.]
CTC: What the hell, dude?
FORC: Rawr.
CTC: Did you just attack me?
FORC: Rawr.
CTC: Alright, stop saying that.
FORC: What are you going to do?
CTC: This!
[The unmistakable sound of a dramatic pressing of a button.]
FORC: Noooooo! Nooooooo!
CTC: Muhahahahahaha.
[In the background, an odd beep and what sounds like the voice of a radio transmission asking for verification of coordinates or something. It is quickly drowned out by...]
FORC: Noooooooooooooooo!
CTC: Rawr.
FORC: I built that character up for six months!
CTC: When you play with the bull, you get the horns.
FORC: I'll give you the horns.
[Silence]
CTC: What does that mean?
FORC: Beats me. Another quest?
CTC: Let's do i--Wait. What time were we suppose to get to Minneapolis?
FORC: Oh shit.
-TLB
Thursday, October 22, 2009
On the Comments on "Medical marijuana is an insult to our intelligence" by Charles Lane of the Washington Post
by Charlie Luzon
It may be helpful to read this short op-ed piece by Washington Post opinion writer Charles Lane before reading on. Or not. Whatever. -KV
When Charles Lane decided to write a short column on how the majority of medical marijuana recipients are not people with chronic pain or illness, but just ordinary folks who want to smoke weed, he should have stuck to the facts.
Because he's right - people ARE taking advantage of the system. And yes, we should have an open debate on legalizing marijuana instead of the strange "sorta-legal" system we have today in states like California.
Instead, Lane just did what one might do in an opinion piece - he gave his opinion. But because it was in the Washington Post (online), you'd have expected him to do a little research. I mean, at least a LITTLE.
Lane admits he's "unsure" about marijuana legalization, musing how it's likely a "gateway drug." Gateway drug? I haven't heard that argument since my days in DARE (and since I realized that by definition, alcohol and tobacco lead the charge). The author also refers to marijuana sold in dispensaries as "snake oil" since it is not regulated by the FDA. Chinese and Eastern medicine advocates everywhere blinked.
How did readers react to such declarations? Were they 50/50, for and against the piece? Let's just say, "no." No they were not.
Also, Lane probably did not know that the web and the bong go hand in hand. Posted on Tuesday, Lane's piece has more comments than anything he's written this year. The ratio? Out of the first twenty (did you think I was going to go through all the comments?) 1 supported his argument, 1 was neutral, and 18 were against. Ardently against.
That's what you get when you take a shot in the dark, and in the dark is giant monster that doesn't like to be shot.*
Some choice comments:
"When alcohol and tobacco have legal status, the stench of hypocrisy that emanates from the likes of you complaining about "Medical Marijuana" being an insult is unbearable."
"Every time I read ignorant crap like this posting, it makes my blood boil. This filth has no place in a paper as famous as the Post for its journalistic integrity."
-cv_collins
"Your self righteous, ignorant musings are causing me direct harm by denying me legal access to a harmless herb."
-gbeckmann9
"Are you a journalist or newspaper jockey? Ironically, it was Hearst's yellow journalism that got us in this mess in the first place, but I am sure an irony is lost on you."
-snowbank
"How are alcohol and tobacco not schedule I drugs when they are highly addictive and have absolutely no medical value?"
-wildmonkey12
"Thanks to the Washington Post, reading has become an insult to my intelligence."
-moharr
There are so many great responses as well as humorous cheap shots, it's hard to know where to end the piece.
I'll just say this: I agree with wildmonkey12.
Don't we always?
Seriously.
-CL
---
* In this case the "monster" is online marijuana advocates.
It may be helpful to read this short op-ed piece by Washington Post opinion writer Charles Lane before reading on. Or not. Whatever. -KV
When Charles Lane decided to write a short column on how the majority of medical marijuana recipients are not people with chronic pain or illness, but just ordinary folks who want to smoke weed, he should have stuck to the facts.
Because he's right - people ARE taking advantage of the system. And yes, we should have an open debate on legalizing marijuana instead of the strange "sorta-legal" system we have today in states like California.
Instead, Lane just did what one might do in an opinion piece - he gave his opinion. But because it was in the Washington Post (online), you'd have expected him to do a little research. I mean, at least a LITTLE.
Lane admits he's "unsure" about marijuana legalization, musing how it's likely a "gateway drug." Gateway drug? I haven't heard that argument since my days in DARE (and since I realized that by definition, alcohol and tobacco lead the charge). The author also refers to marijuana sold in dispensaries as "snake oil" since it is not regulated by the FDA. Chinese and Eastern medicine advocates everywhere blinked.
How did readers react to such declarations? Were they 50/50, for and against the piece? Let's just say, "no." No they were not.
Also, Lane probably did not know that the web and the bong go hand in hand. Posted on Tuesday, Lane's piece has more comments than anything he's written this year. The ratio? Out of the first twenty (did you think I was going to go through all the comments?) 1 supported his argument, 1 was neutral, and 18 were against. Ardently against.
That's what you get when you take a shot in the dark, and in the dark is giant monster that doesn't like to be shot.*
Some choice comments:
"When alcohol and tobacco have legal status, the stench of hypocrisy that emanates from the likes of you complaining about "Medical Marijuana" being an insult is unbearable."
-HumanSimpleton
"Every time I read ignorant crap like this posting, it makes my blood boil. This filth has no place in a paper as famous as the Post for its journalistic integrity."
-cv_collins
"Your self righteous, ignorant musings are causing me direct harm by denying me legal access to a harmless herb."
-gbeckmann9
"Are you a journalist or newspaper jockey? Ironically, it was Hearst's yellow journalism that got us in this mess in the first place, but I am sure an irony is lost on you."
-snowbank
"How are alcohol and tobacco not schedule I drugs when they are highly addictive and have absolutely no medical value?"
-wildmonkey12
"Thanks to the Washington Post, reading has become an insult to my intelligence."
-moharr
There are so many great responses as well as humorous cheap shots, it's hard to know where to end the piece.
I'll just say this: I agree with wildmonkey12.
Don't we always?
Seriously.
-CL
---
* In this case the "monster" is online marijuana advocates.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
The Literary Brothel vs Love the Cock
I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend who heard it from another you've been messin' around.
-REO Speedwagon
Though we have about 5 followers on Twitter, one of them is @ShannonAlbert* (you may recall Shannon from this post**) who recently informed us that Jeff Lundquist or whomever bought www.TheLiteraryBrothel.com linked it to a porn site for a brief period of time.***
I was confused by this, as now the www.theliterarybrothel.com goes straight to GoDaddy.com. Today, however, while running our weekly (not really) Google search for "literary brothel" the first result was a bit surprising: www.lovethecock.com
Love the Cock
www.lovethecock.com
www.lovethecock.com
Could this be a site for poultry lovers and foodies? Um, no. As porn sites do, "Love the Cock" quickly dispels all mystery with bare description:
"FREE GAY PORN MOVIES & GAY SEX VIDEOS XXX TUBE"
First of all, we had no idea there was an XTube AND a double-X Tube LET ALONE a triple-X Tube. Vin Diesel should be proud.
Second, why would a search for "literary brothel" lead visitors to a gay porn site? The only reason we can come up with is that Jeff Lundquist or someone at National Contact Registry linked us to it. Perhaps they were upset that the third result in a search for "National Contact Registry" finds our subtly titled piece: National Contact Registry Can Suck It.
Or maybe it was an accident?
Maybe we'll never now.
Meanwhile, when Googling "literary brothel," avoid clicking that "I'm feeling lucky" button.
Unless you're ready to see a lot of cock.
Seriously.-KV
---
* Names on Twitter are written with an @ sign before them. This causes mass confusion at first, followed quickly by mass boredom.
** The National Contact Registry is the group who bought the domain www.theliterarybrothel.com when we failed to immediatly renue it, and then illegally continued to post material published material from our site. If you clicked the link up there, then these words you're reading probably seem quite repetitious.
*** Sorry about all the links. And the stars.
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