The Great Vodka Taste Test of 2008

FYI: Even though this post arrives the day after Xmas, this all went down a few weeks ago. I'm just letting you know so there are no preconceived notions about how we here at The Literary Brothel celebrate the holidays. We would never, ever, EVER drink vodka on Christmas. Now, cider on the other hand... -KV

July 2009 Update: There is now a VIDEO of the taste test! Enjoy! -KV

The Great Vodka Taste Test of 2008
Klaus Varley

Some people think they can tell good vodka from bad vodka, top shelf from bottom shelf, Russian from Ukrainian, etc. We set out to prove that those people are fools. Drunken, drunken fools.

Grey Goose, Skyy, Stolichnaya (Stoli), Absolut, Tito’s (sold only at Trader Joe’s) and Prestige Vodka from the fine distillers of the Ralphs Supermarket (Kroger Corporation). Six vodkas,* five people, one toilet.

If this were the first year of The Brothel (2001), we would have needed the toilet. As is, with years of life experience under our belts we knew to sip the vodka, not shoot it.**

Seven cups, seven numbers. I wrote the labels of the vodkas on a piece of paper and when it was my turn, I did it blindfolded and someone else wrote down my ratings. I couldn’t tell who it was – I was blindfolded.

Matt’s girlfriend went first.*** While she wouldn’t allow us to film her reactions, they were, as the commercial says, priceless.

On a scale of one to ten – ten being the best as it is in most scales from one to ten yet a point we had to clarify – Matt’s girlfriend gave Grey Goose a 5, Prestige a 4, and Tito’s an 8. Her favorite was Prestige Filtered (10). Her “this is nasty, I can’t believe I’m doing this, aren’t we too old for this shit” face was reserved for Skyy Vodka, which she gave a 1.

My girlfriend went next. How did we talk our girlfriends into doing this? “Hey baby, Matt’s/Klaus’s girlfriend is doing it.” Peer pressure truly runs the world.

My girlfriend is a devout lover of Absolut. She did admit however, that her fondness for the vodka could be partially due to Absolut’s clever marketing campaign. You know the one; it’s the Absolut bottle, but it’s blue. It's the Absolut bottle, but it’s red. It's the Absolut bottle, but it’s really Mt. Everest shaped like an Absolut bottle. Still don't know it? Sheesh.



Would my girlfriend rank Absolut above the rest in the Great Vodka Taste Test of 2008? The short answer is, no. The longer answer is: when she took a sip of the one that turned out to be Absolut, the words out of her mouth were, “This is definitely not Absolut. Too harsh.” She ranked Stoli above the rest, but no Vodka got higher than a 7.

Matt stepped up and proceeded to rank the Vodkas nearly opposite to his girlfriend, save Absolut and Stoli, which he ranked 5 and 8.5 respectively. He gave Grey Goose a 2. Somewhere in France, a Vodka maker shed a tear.

Howard – the good sport even though he's sorta a fifth wheel – was not fooled by Prestige Filtered, giving it a 4. His favorite was Grey Goose, somewhat resurrecting its recent battering with an 8.

And then it was my turn. I too, said “harsh,” when I took a sip of what turned out to be Absolut. Tito’s, while strong, went down easier than most, with no after taste. I gave it a 7, because hell, it still burned. It’s still plain vodka. Where’s our mixers?

Could the test be flawed because tasters like my girlfriend and myself obviously have little fondness for straight vodka, giving no vodka higher than a rating of 7? Indeed it could. We tallied the results anyway.

Out of a possible 50 points (1-10 per taster)

Stolichnaya: 35.5
Prestige Filtered: 29
Prestige: 28.5
Absolut: 28
Tito’s Vodka: 28
Grey Goose: 25
Skyy: 24.5

Basically, we couldn’t tell the difference between Prestige, Absolut, Tito’s, Grey Goose, and Skyy. This leads us to believe there is NO WAY you’d be able to tell if it were in a mixed drink. Think you can? I’ll bet you a shot you’re wrong.

The winner? Stoli, obviously. Or is it obvious? The 750 ml bottle of Stoli cost approximately $20. The same size bottle of Prestige: $5.99. Considering that Prestige scored higher than Absolut, Skyy, and Grey Goose, it’s hard to argue against it.

The other winners: the marketing departments for Absolut, Skyy, and Grey Goose. Through clever ads and fancy packaging they bamboozle us into thinking we’re drinking something that tastes better than that ugly Ralphs brand in the plastic bottle.

But, we’re not.

Someone pointed out that this was just a taste test, and that more distilled vodkas like Grey Goose and Tito’s might give you less of a hangover. True, but if people only drank drinks in preference of preventing hangovers, no one would ever drink champagne. Especially if they have church in the morning the next day. Never ever, ever.

Upon hearing the results of the test, Parker Briggsmore’s only response was, “Coffee filters? I’ve never heard of that. But I did see this episode of 'Myth Busters' where they filtered vodka through a Brita.”

Thus began the planning for The Great Vodka Taste Test of Early 2009. See you there.

-KV

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* While there were six vodkas, there were seven cups of vodka. Matt heard that if you took the cheapest vodka and filtered it through a coffee filter (or four) it could compare to top shelf brands. And so in this test there is “Prestige” and there is “Prestige Filtered.”

** And not dare each other to shoot it. And not play blackjack for shots. And especially not bet who can take the most shots to blow the highest reading on Mike’s new pocket Breathalyzer. Um, 2001 was a crazy year, from what I remember.

*** “Matt’s girlfriend” and “my girlfriend” go unnamed in this piece for practical purposes. As in, “they PRACTICALLY don’t want us using their names on this website.

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