First Spinning Class: Jumps

Klaus Varley

The instructor is a 40 year old woman with .04% body fat. Klaus Varley is a 30 something year old man-child with more than .04% body fat. (But you probably knew that already.)

The hour-long class has just begun. It's nearly empty, the music is loud, and Klaus pedals fast, ignoring instructions to "turn his level up," whatever that means.

"Is your level up?" says the instructor.

"What?" says Klaus, confused that he has been singled out, but also truthfully, because as previously stated, the music is loud.

The instructor points to the lever knob on her bike and motions up with her thumb. Klaus returns her gesture, giving the instructor a thumbs up.

"You're pedaling too fast. Turn your level up."

Klaus yells a bright "OK!" to get into the mood of the class. He reaches down and twists the knob on his bike a couple of sharp turns to the right. Or at least, that's what it looks like. Because it's his first class, Klaus doesn't want to overdo it, so instead of turning up his level, he feigns the motion, and pedals slower, as if struggling with the greater resistance added to the bike.

"Okay class, get ready for jumps!"

Klaus looks down at his bike: stationary. Very stationary. He looks around the room: four people, four stationary bikes. The he looks to the instructor on her stationary bike and thinks, "This should be challenging."

"Go!"

The instructor pops up, standing and pedaling furiously. (This should have been clarified int the beginning - whenever I mention the instructor, it should be assumed she is pedaling furiously.) After eight counts of the chorus of "Cannonball" by The Breeders, she sits back down. The rest of the class does the same. Klaus soon joins in.

"Alright!" he exclaims, his breath quickening, sweat seeping through his shirt.

"You're getting the hang of it," says the instructor, mid "jump."

"What?" yells Klaus, half jokingly. He heard her, he just wants to hear it again. She gives him another look.

"Don't wear yourself out. We've still got fifty-five minutes to go."

Klaus blinks hard, and turns the level down on his bike.

-TLB