The 10 Worst Facebook Status Updates of My Friends in the Past 24 Hours

The 10 Worst Facebook Status Updates of My Friends
in the Past 24 Hours

by Klaus Varley

If you see your name here, sorry, I forgot to change it. -KV

10. Kerri...had a fun evening out with the ladies!

Which ladies? What did you do? Aaaaaaah, the suspense!

9. Adam...doesn't like his fantasy baseball team

The season hasn't even started yet and you're complaining about a fantasy team you're coaching? You, my Facebook friend, are a spoil sport.

8. Sam...still loves Hall & Oates!!

You wouldn't have made the list if you had used one exclamation mark, but two? For Hall & Oates? They can't hear you, Sam. But the god of lameness can.

7. Sherry...feel people either love me or hate me, there is no in-between, where do u stand?

I stand in the pro-grammar camp.

6. Meg...is driving to Berkeley.

This update is not so bad, just dangerous.

5. Alex...2 down, 1 to go. Sigh.

Should I trace the history of your status updates to figure out what you're talking about? No. I can tell by the "sigh" you think I should. But we're more like Facebook "acquaintances" than Facebook "friends."

4. Louisa...feeling sniffly... oh, not a good time to be getting sick!

Unlike all the great times to get sick? (First day in prison, after the big test, etc...)

3. Mike...I'm happy I got an good grade on my spanish test and have no cavities! Who knew Mondays could be good.

If you think that's a good day, just wait until Tuesday: dollar tacos.

2. Katherine...craves Coldstone cupcakes.

Coldstone has cupcakes? I thought it was Coldstone's? This update makes me hungry for the unknown.

1. Klaus...is hungry. For the unknown.

Avoid impromptu status updates or risk ending up on a "Top 10 worst status updates" list.

-KV

25 Random Things About Me / I Cannot Say No to Facebook

Hey, it's Charlie. Not sure why this is going up. This post is about a month late, and I swear I saw a similar post on a friend of The Brothel's blog. (FOTBB) - CL

Hey, it's Klaus. The post is going up because some people would rather write snippy editor's notes instead of actual posts. -KV

25 Random Things About Me / I Cannot Say No to Facebook

You Facebook users know what I'm talking about. This is that damn chain-posting going around like a bad forwarded email from college freshmen.

Wasn't going to do one until I was "tagged" in one of them. And then we ran low on article ideas for The Brothel.

Here's how my Facebook friend prefaced her list:

I don't like doing these things but I do like reading them. And I'm feeling chatty and eager to please this morning. Still, I remain deeply suspicious that this is just data collection for an anthropology or media studies dissertation.

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

And here's what came to me in a moment of inspiration/desperation. Obviously nobody gets "tagged" here in The Brothel. (Or do they? You're it!)

Okay fine, 25 random things (or so) about me, Klaus V.

1. I do not like randomness.
2. But I like David Lynch films.
3. Because I like movies about beautiful naked women shot in a cinematic way.
4. I added "shot in a cinematic way" so I wouldn't get in trouble with my girlfriend.
5. I have a girlfriend.
6. Now that I think about it, I only really like Mulholland Dr.
7. I change my mind a lot.
8. David Lynch films should be called David Lynch's confusing-ass naked women movies.
9. I tire quickly of talking about David Lynch.
10. I like cats.
11. I like San Diego.
12. Wine tastes good.
13. I am looking at an empty glass.
14. I will be right back.
15. (I am not here)
16. I am back.
17. I am perpetually surprised at how good Charles Shaw tastes.
18. I am talking about the wine.
19. I get homophobic after drinking wine.
20. I am not going to explain that joke.
21. I sometimes talk in the third person.
22. I warned you.
23. Klaus likes cats, but not when they try to get on your lap when you are trying to type.
24. Klaus is careful not to spill his wine while he types and shoos cats.
25. Klaus likes getting to the end of lists so he can go back to important things, like surfing the internet.
77 - is Klaus's favorite number, so he's going to end on it. And because we skipped 15, this is technically 25. I mean, 77.

One last thing: Facebook phenomenons rule.

And by "rule," I mean, suck.

And by "Facebook," I mean "Most movies by David Lynch."

-KV

Not Something About New York City

I'm supposed to write something about my trip to New York City but instead I'm finishing a load of laundry and surfing facebook.

Because it is Wednesday.

Put your pics, people!

-KV