Moro Islamic Liberation Front (MILF)

Sorry, but when the headline reads "MILF warned..." I laugh, and stop reading.

These guys need a better acronym.

Seriously.

-KV

The New Yorker on Why You Should Vote Obama

I don't usually post on the weekend NOR quote The New Yorker but tucked away in the Comment section is a little gem called "The Choice," written by the editors of the magazine. I wouldn't have read it, except that my girlfriend said "you have to read this." I do what she says. Because that's how good relationships work. -KV

"At a moment of economic calamity, international perplexity, political failure, and battered morale, America needs both uplift and realism, both change and steadiness. It needs a leader temperamentally, intellectually, and emotionally attuned to the complexities of our troubled globe. That leader's name is Barack Obama."

-The Editors of the New Yorker, Oct. 13, 2008

Charles Bukowski on Writing

What? Another Bukowski quote? When are you going to write something, Klaus!?!

Never fear, a little something is coming tomorrow, and a little "something something" is coming on Monday. Stay tuned... -KV

Bukowski on "How to Become a Good Writer"

"The problem with being a poet is that by the time you get well-known you can't write anymore. or, at least, not as well, but, still, being young & unknown isn't the answer either. a lot of them grin out machine-made shit that they think is very real only because they like it. then, they quit. to become a good writer takes time & luck & moxie & no special desire to be a good writer."

-Charles Bukowski to Douglas Blazek, January 15th, 1968

Los Angeles Driver Quiz

L.A. DRIVER QUIZ

Are you a Los Angeles driver? Take this convenient quiz and find out!


1. When merging onto the freeway, you do which of the following:
a. Signal
b. Check Blind Spot
c. Adjust the radio
d. Put on a fresh layer of eyeliner, call agent, get secretary, chew that bitch out for a while because that’s what she gets paid 7$ an hour for, hang up, brake for no reason, laugh out loud, look around to see if anyone is notices how glamorous you look when laughing, merge.

2. What do you use turn signals for?
a. To accompany Eminem as the lost beat in “Lose Yourself”
b. Fun. {click, click, click}
c. What are these “turn signals” of which you speak?
d. My ass looks sexy in these pants.

3. What’s the speed limit on the freeway?
a. 65 mph
b. 70 mph
c. 1.21 giggawatts
d. Industry standard.

4. The Metro-Bus…
a. is a viable, economic, and environmentally-friendly alternative to driving your own.
b. is something I have heard of, but never ridden.
c. is a slow ass, road-hogging, box of metal poo.
d. goes to Mexico, I think.
e. is for losers.

5. Pedestrians…
a. make good hood ornaments.
b. need to step back on the curb.
c. should only exist between the valet and the club entrance.
d. do not exist. Nobody walks in LA. There is a reason a song was written with that title – because it’s true. Like all songs.

6. Which of the following intersections have a protected turn arrow?
a. Sepulveda and Wilshire
b. Santa Monica Boulevard and Sawtelle
c. 1st and Flower
d. What is this “protected turn arrow” of which you speak?

7. When is it legal to make a U-turn?
a. At an intersection with a traffic light.
b. When a parking spot across the street opens up.
c. When it feels right.
d. Whenevs.

8. What should you say never say to a police officer in order to get out of a ticket?
a. Sorry officer, this is my daddy’s car – I’m not used to driving such an expensive and fast automobile. My BMW is in the shop, and I swear I only drive the speed limit in it.
b. Is it true that all cops are gay?
c. Which way to the terrorist convention?
d. I’m a serious blogger, and if you give me a ticket, I will blog about you and list your name on my blog, and everyone will know that Sergeant Michaels of the West Los Angeles Division of the LAPD is an asshole. I swear I’ll do it. Please stop laughing and writing that ticket…


So are you an LA Driver? If you answered "a," "b," "c," or "d," to any of the questions above, it doesn’t mean much of anything. Just like driving in LA, there is no system – you’re on your own.

In other words, who knows? Just stay the hell out of my way.

-KV

Monday Wednesday Friday OR Tuesday Thursday? : The Literary Brothel's New Schedule

You may have noticed that The Literary Brothel (TLB)'s posting schedule has been in flux.

What you did not notice - but may have guessed - is that this is due to Klaus paying more attention to other things in his life. Like his job.

But never fear - The Brothel will continue to be updated. However, it will likely be on either a MWF schedule, or a Tues/Thurs schedule. Check back at the beginning of each week to see which schedule it is on!

Such as:

Oh boy, there is a posting on Monday! This must be a MWF week!

or

Oh boy, there is a posting on Tuesday! This must be a Tues / Thurs week!

Get the picture?

Pop quiz - when is the next posting coming?

If you said Wednesday, you are correct.

If you didn't say Wednesday, please do not vote in the upcoming election.

Seriously.

-KV

From Inside a Republican Think Tank

From Inside a Republican Think Tank
by Klaus Varley

Please note: Codenames used. -KV

Please also note: Technically "code names" is two words. The one-worded "codenames" is actually a code name for "code names." And no, I would not make up this joke to just to avoid correcting a misspelled word. -KV

[McSame and McLame enter the room]

McSame: Did you hear that stupid shit that Palin said?
McLame: Which stupid shit?
McSame: Good one. The Katie Couric interview.
McLame: Goddammit, don’t get me started on Katie. It’s too early in the morning.
McSame: The question was, what do you read to get your information? Palin said, I read everything. Couric asked her to name one; Palin said, “I read them all.”
McLame: No, she didn’t.
McSame: She did.
McLame: Why didn’t she name some obscure Alaskan publication that Couric’s never heard of?
McSame: I don’t know.
McLame: How about Fox News?
McSame: Couric said "read."
McLame: (silence) What would you have said?
McSame: Some obscure Alaskan publication.
McLame: Yeah, me too.
[AceMcCain enters the room.]
AceMcCain: What’s up, people?
McSame & McLame: Hey.
AceMcCain: Did you guys hear that stupid shit Sarah Palin said?
McSame & McLame: Which stupid shit?
AceMcCain: Jinx.
McLame: We don’t have names. You can’t jinx us.
McSame: Yeah.. (to AceMcCain) What stupid shit, man?
AceMcCain: Nevermind. I’m so tired of this election. Our candidates suck.
McSame: Who, Father Time and Mrs. Moose-shit for brains?
AceMcCain: (sigh)
McLame: We gotta bring the focus back on Obama.
McSame: That’s right.
AceMcCain: Do you think everyone knows he’s black?
McLame: Yeah.
McSame: And that his first name rhymes with Osama?
McLame: They got it.
AceMcCain: What about his middle name – it’s Hussein for Christ-sakes.
McLame: Doesn’t matter so much anymore.
McSame: He was a rogue scholar.
McLame: You mean, Rhodes Scholar?
McSame: Same thing.
AceMcCain: I don’t think those are the same thing, but it doesn’t matter anyway, no one knows what either of those things are. What else?
McSame: He’s liberal.
AceMcCain: I guess. He doesn’t seem that liberal though.
McLame: He’s a democrat.
AceMcCain: True.
McSame: He’s popular.
AceMcCain: Tried it, remember? Apparently being popular isn’t a bad thing.
McSame: He’s dumb.
AceMcCain: Who’s dumb?
McSame: Obama.
[McLame and AceMcCain stare blankly at McSame.]
McSame: What?
AceMcCain: So, what are we going with this week?
McLame: Can we make things up?
AceMcCain: Is this a Rupublican think tank?
[Laughter]
McLame: He’s Muslim.
McSame: He’s Jewish.
McLame: He’s self-hating
McSame: He’s a self-hating Islamic Jew
McLame: He has met with self-hating Islamic Jews
McSame: He pals around with self-hating Islamic Jews
AceMcCain: Slow down…I can’t write this fast…
---

Another Quote from Charles Bukowski

Another Quote from Bukowski. Because people like reading them. -KV

"all I need now is 60 days in jail or 10 years, and my whole thought process will be realigned. everything happens for the best and the worst, like when Marina was first born, the line popped into my head, 'she will probably be fucked by a sailor who never read Walter De La Mare.' that was then. now, I think, so what?"

-Charles Bukowski, Letter to John William Corrington, January 3, 1968

UCLA Loses to Fresno State, Crowd Throws Up

This article is about UCLA's 36-31 loss to Fresno State last Saturday (Sept. 27th, 2008) at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, CA. It was 91 degrees with 36% humidity. Yes, it is relevant. -KV

UCLA Loses, Crowd throws up A LOT.

Okay, maybe they didn't throw up. Maybe they were dehydrated.

"More than 800 people got sick (13 went to the hospital) after watching the Fresno Bulldogs beat the UCLA Bruins on Saturday at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena." -LAist

What the hell is the LAist? Let's try a more reputable source. (The following quotes all hail from the LA Times)

"We had a lot of out-of-town fans who might not have been acclimated or prepared for the Southern California weather conditions," stated Pasadena Fire Department Spokeswoman, Lisa Derderian.

Oh snap, it must have been those weak Fresno fans. But wait, the Times comes to their defense:

"Steven Trembley, a spokesman for the Fresno State Athletic Department said Monday he was aware that fans were treated for heat-related issues but said he had not heard that Fresno State fans were disproportionately affected by the heat, which they must deal with on a regular basis for home games in the San Joaquin Valley."

That's right, succas. It gets plenty hot in Fresno. PLENTY HOT.

So what the hell happened?

"The combination of pregame activities, including drinking at tailgate parties, coupled with a flood of fans trying to get into the stadium before kickoff may have contributed to the high volume of medical calls, Derderian said."

That's right. I forgot how unusual it is at football games for fans to drink until the last minute and come in the stadium right at kickoff.

The Times article then ends with a clue:

"Most of the patients -- many complaining of dizziness, nausea and dehydration -- came from the north end of the end zone and did not fit a pattern of age or gender."

The north end, eh? Hmmm. On one side of the north end is the visitor's section...yet on the other sit the UCLA students. How about a description of their clothing? Were they wearing red or blue? White or gold? Did they have a bulldog on their shirt or a bear?

And lastly, did they have a Mac or PC with them in the Medical tent? Because if they had a PC, they were definitely from Fresno.

-KV