Top 10 Errors of (not so) Smart Type

The Top Ten Errors of Smart Type
Klaus Varley

If your cell phone is like mine, it has a text-message function pretentiously named "smart-type." Well, this so-called "smart" type has the propensity to make a number of errors. He

Below are the top 10 not-so-smart corrections of a program that often fails to live up to its name. (If it seems like I'm hard on SmartType, it's because it's not a person, and if SmartType's creator has nothing to do but Google "SmartType Criticisms," well, that creator needs to get a lied. I mean, life.)

1. good = home = gone = hood = hoof = hone = goof

This is the biggest one. "See you at good," she accidentally writes. Where the hell is Good? What time are you getting there? And who else is going? Are they bringing their hot friends? Send directions to Good!

2. lips = kiss = lisp

This one is problematic because you could potentially write "I want to kiss your lisp." Even if that is true, those with lisps prefer it to not be phrased quite like that.

3. on = no = om

Frustrating, since I write "no" far more often then "on." Example, "No, no, do not tempt a Russian Mig. Kenny Loggins sang 'Danger Zone' for a reason."

4. bad = ace = abe

Two Old Testament references ("bad," "abe") and what McCain's superiors in the Navy nicknamed him after he crashed THREE planes (and before he was a POW) "Here comes Ace McCain!" joked the Admirals. Snickers were then heard. And possibly also eaten. If Snickers - the candy bar - was invented back then. (You see, John McCain is old...)

Note: This piece was written before the election - thus the McCain joke. How quickly jokes become anachronistic!

5. case = care = base = card = bare = bard = cape = acre

Wow, lots of danger here. Especially for Superman's texts, "Lois, did you

6. are = ape

Another dangerous association, for the wrong word here could send a very strange message, ie: "What ape we doing tonight?" If your friend answers "Koko," run.

7. in = go = im = ho = io = hm = gm

Inconvenient, since all of these words are often used in one sentence, such as "ho, im'a go to the gm in io...lol...sry, io is a mn on jptr.."

8. have = gave = hate = gate = gaud

Two dangers: You might mistakenly give bad directions using slang for a deity, "Turn left past the gaud," or errantly explain your antisemitism to your Klan friends, "I gave Jews."

9. sad = pad = rad

Difficult to convey your depression when you tell a friend, "I'm so rad."

10. see = red = ref = pee

If you accidentally tell a date "I can pee you from here," be ready to explain common errors of Smart Type. Feel free to reference this article.

-KV