How Arm & Hammer Got into the Toothpaste Business

How Arm & Hammer Got into the Toothpaste Business
by Klaus Varley

Here's a conversation overheard at a board meeting back in the 1990s or whenever the Arm & Hammer empire expanded from baking soda into toothpaste. (If you think I'm going to do research for a fictional piece like this one, you're living in a fantasy world, and it's not the Shire, because THAT fantasy world is full of Hobits who LOVE to look things up in imaginary books. ... .. . I've gone off topic, somehow.) -KV

The head of A&H sat behind his large desk. In front of him, a junior executive nervously pitched his new idea. The room was clean, and smelled fresher than kitty liter. Barely.

"So what you're saying is, people are brushing their teeth with the baking soda?"
"Because of the bubbles."
"The bubbles?"
"The bubbles! Of course."
"Do you know what this means?"
"I'm going to be honest. I have no idea."
"We can get into the toothpaste business."

There was a pause.

"Get the hell out of my office."
"Sir, listen for one second."

The boss hit a button on his desk.

"Security, there's a crazy man in my office."

They sat in silence for a moment, before...

"Did you really call security?"
"No, but most people leave when I press this button. Because it's big."
"I'm not crazy, sir."
"You want us to make toothpaste?"
"Yes."
"Arm & Hammer toothpaste?"
"Yes."
"We make baking soda."
"Correct, but a recent survey showed that though most consumers don't know what baking soda is, a growing number are putting it on their toothpaste."

He handed a file across the desk. The man looked it over. Fast. Then slammed his hand down

"Why didn't you say so! They want bubbles? We'll give them bubbles."

And thus, Arm & Hammer toothpaste was born.

With bubbles.

-KV