My Internet Ritual

My Internet Ritual
Klaus Varley

If you're reading this, you're probably wondering, "Why did Google take me here when I specifically searched for "LA Asian Fetish Brothel?"

The answer: Google works in mysterious ways.

The answer is also: Welcome to The Literary Brothel! Since you're obviously an experienced internet surfer, I wanted to share with you a (virtual) wave of my own.

Below I've taken you step-by-step - including links - through a recent round of surfing by yours truly, Klaus Varley.

Who is Klaus Varley and why should you care which sites he visits? Let's table that question for now, at least until you've finished reading the next section.

A Quick Ride Though Klaus Varley's Internet Ritual

First, we go to Google, but instead of looking for anything particular (such as "LA Asian Fetish Brothels," as an example), we click the News link at the top that takes us to Google News.

After skimming the headlines, and clicking on an article about the falling cost of the Xbox 360, we feel thoroughly informed about all news around the world and move on. That was two minutes well spent.

Next we hit up The Literary Brothel, yes, this site. Any new comments? No? WE HATE ALL OUR READERS!

Just kidding. We scroll down to the "Friends of the Literary Brothel" links on the left side and start clicking. Today we hit up A Lotus Grows in Brooklyn, but alas it's on "vacation" or something. (Isn't vacation the best time to update your blog?) Next it's on to the very literary, often over-our-heads-because-we-don't-read enough The Fiction Advocate. A new post about James Wood? Oh yeah. Cool. I guess. Um. Who is that, again?

Shamed by our intellectual inadequacy, we go to Facebook. Ah, mundane comments and a cool link or two from friends with even more time on their hands than us. We drop a snarky (that's right) comment on a lame picture posted by Parker Briggsmore, and we even update our status: "...saw a houseplant dive to its own death before our very eyes!" It's true.

We start to feel the moral pangs known to all procrastintors, and realize we have to get back to work soon. This wave has almost petered out, but not before we get over to YouTube and catch a couple of new vids from The Young Turks. Oh no!

Now we're angry at Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh, and we go back to Facebook and troll for anyone who repeats the retarded talking points of the right and attack attack attack! and by now we've not only lost time but we've lost our sense of humor, and the only worst possible thing we could do would be to...blog about it.

After I click "Publish Post" we swear we're off to the YMCA for a workout.

Oh, the YMCA - our source for future posts.

Stay tuned.

-KV

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PS. What's your ritual? Is it lamer than ours? Impossible, sir!

PPS. Is "lamer" a word?

PPPS. Apparently it's a French facial cream. La Mer. Try it.

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Top Ten Secrets About Obama's Health Care Plan

Top Ten Secrets About Obama's Health Care Plan
Klaus Varley

Obama or Democrats or any other socialist you ask about these claims is going to deny them until the cows come home. Even after the cows are home, they'll still deny them. There's a reason they call them secrets. -KV

Under Obama's plan...

10. All blue-eyed children will be forced to wear brown contacts.

9. Spitting on the sidewalk will become a privilege, not a right.

8. Abortions will not only be covered, they'll now be called, "Happy-Fun-Baby-Death."

7. The name of the country will be changed to "The United States of Canafrance."

6. New York Post cartoonists won't be covered.

5. Double-dutch will not be allowed in schools for fear of injury.

4. Our prescription drugs will be replaced with tie-dyed flower hippie peace medicine made in China.

3. Old people will be given a pop quiz. For every wrong answer, the government gets to take a year off their life. The quiz is in Swahili.

2. Babies born in Hawaii will have their birth certificate implanted in their skull.

1. All your base are belong to us.*

Seriously.

-KV


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*Go HERE for an explantion of AYBABTU. That's some nerd stuff for all the Parker Briggsmores out there. Seriously.
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Naked Nacked Naced?

Necked Nacked Naced?
Klaus Varley

Here are a few of the craziest phrases people searched last week that landed them here on The Brothel. The title will make sense in the end. Promise. -KV

25 random things about me If you don't know these things, a Google search probably won't be much help.

dean cain look alike gay porn Dean Cain is so 1997. Now Gerald Butler on the other hand...

glowing blue dong Combine this with the previous search and you've got a (nuclear) bomb party. [Note how we used the word "bomb" to both make a joke and sound like the kids.]

how to start toothpase business Oh, we wish we knew. And we wish we knew how to spell "toothpase" too.

internet makes you dizzy The best place to find a remedy is, of course, to search for solutions on the internet, or as you call it, "the dizzy machine."

is there a difference between skyy vodka and grey goose vodka Yes. See our vodka taste test.

la asian brothels Where? Where? Wait, we mean, dude, brothel's are illegal.

nacked lady sex with man "Nacked" ladies are our favorite type of ladies.

prestige one of the worst vodkas We don't think so, friend. See our vodka taste test or that link three lines up that leads to the same taste test.

sunshine cleaning spoilers The whole movie is a spoiler - a mood spoiler! Oh, how we laugh at our own clevers.

watchmen naced ladie Is "naked" really that hard to spell?

Apparently so.

Seriously.

-KV

National Contact Registry is Illegally Publishing Our Content

This is an open letter, as they say, to the National Contact Registry, remember them? By the subject, we kinda give away our position, but hey, read on anyway if you're feeling read...y. -KV

Dear National Contact Registry,

It appears you have bought the domain "www.theliterarybrothel.com." We owned that website but months ago. We called it The Literary Brothel.

Now, however, The Literary Brothel is no longer there. It is here. Right here. The place where you are reading these words. Yes, in your computer. Hello!

While you have the right to buy our domain name - though we built the reputation of the site - you do not have the right to publish our content.

In other words, this is a cease and desist order. Take it all down or fear the reaper.

I mean, the consequences.

You have been warned.

Sincerely (or something),
The Literary Brothel

ps. Sure, we could contact you directly, but what fun would that be? Seriously, just take down our content so we don't have to contact you at:
National Contact Registry
3033 Excelsior Blvd
Minneapolis, Minnesota 55416
United States
+1.6129158834

Thx!

Bukowski on Health Food People

"It's true that most health food people are not likeable. They are usually nuts in other ways and are seldom loners or self-contained. I don't like them. But don't let that get you away from the fact that they are right about nutrition. They just make too much of it."

-Charles Bukowski to Al Fogel
February, 1983

Our New Favorite Representative: Anthony Weiner

Since Cynthia McKinney is no longer in the House, we give you...

Our New Favorite Representative: Anthony Weiner
by Klaus Varley

Just when you thought the House of Representatives couldn't be exciting, a congressman out of New York brings the passion and directness we're all looking for from the people whom we elect to represent us.

There are a lot of gems from Weiner, but here's the clip that made us pay attention:



Be sure to check out Weiner's YouTube page, where he even interacts with comments. Congressmen gettin' all 21st century on us. Crazy.

-KV

ps. If you were waiting for something like, "He's the best Weiner since Oscar Mayer" or an equally obvious joke, sorry to disappoint. We're trying to move away from third-grade humor here at The Brothel.

pps. Now if his name were, oh, I don't know, John Ensign, we might give it a shot. Maybe something to the effect of, "Following sex scandal, Ensign loses chance for promotion to Lieutenant." Just a hypothetical.

Seriously.

Elderly Man in China throws Bricks at Cars that Run Red Lights

Elderly Man in China throws Bricks at Cars that Run Red Lights
Klaus Varley

This article was sent to us from our friend Steve, a political activist in Portland.

And by "political activist" in Portland I mean "resident" of Portland. God, I love Portland.

Done reading the article about the Chinese ex-professor who throws bricks at cars that blatently break the law and fly through pedestrian crossings? Good.

After posting the article, Steve said the guy in it - Yan Zheng-ping - is his hero. After reading the piece, I concur. Here's why:

A few years ago I was hit by a car while crossing a small side street along Santa Monica Blvd. I was in the crosswalk, the signal displayed the white "OK to cross" man, and I wasn't talking on the cell phone or listening to headphones. And I STILL got hit.

In case you wondered, the feeling was something like, "They're going to slow down, they're going to slow down/no they're not/JUMP!" But you probably guessed that.

While I walked away from the accident, I did manage to smash the woman's windshield with my shoulder and lose my sandal in a nearby storm drain. (Three days later we fished it out with a clothes hanger. Thank you LA weather for never raining.)

Had I been elderly, I might not have had the intuition to jump and roll off of her car. Had the woman been driving an SUV instead of a small Japanese car, it wouldn't have mattered if I jumped. Or as the nurse in the emergency room said, "You got really lucky." When I explained that I was in a crosswalk, she added, "Most people get hit in crosswalks." That made sense (sort of), as I assume most people cross the street in crosswalks.

The event, the conversation with the nurse, and this article all reinforce my belief that drivers should be extra careful when steering their 2000lb boxes of metal across those "walking" lines. If a car runs a light, or puts you in danger, the fines should be great.

Or you should be allowed to hit their car with a brick.

Seriously.

-KV

John Hughes Left Us Bupkis

Editor's note: While we often agree with Langdon, this time we do not. Perhaps a response piece is forthcoming. Perhaps just editing out some of the negative things he said about The Breakfast Club will suffice. Yes, these pieces are edited. Surprise! -KV

John Hughes Left Us Bupkis
Langdon Auger

Michael Jackson may have molested children, but when he died I was sad. John Hughes died today and I have to say the movie goer is better off.

Let's be clear, there are some high points to his career. Ferris Bueller' Day Off isn't all that bad, and he is responsible for some of the late John Candy's finer work, including Uncle Buck and the undeniably great Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. But then again John Candy was a national treasure (even though he is Canadian I claim him for America.)

But Hughes' other movies are filled with smug crap. Besides dying, the best thing Hughes did was stop directing movies in 1991.

Alright, that may be a little harsh, but let me present the evidence.

Exhibit Ringwald

The Molly Ringwald oeuvre is a trio of obnoxious dramedies that melt the adult intellect into a gray sludge that dribbles out of your ears. And everthing is disaffected. If it's not the disaffected teenage girl pining for the high school jock, it's the disaffected teenage girl pining for the high school rich kid, or the disaffected teenage girl pining for the high school bad boy.

Plus, John Hughes stretched the bounds of Ringwald's acting talents. Seriously.

Lastly, these films - Pretty in Pink, Sixteen Candles, and The Breakfast Club - lack any resonance with teenagers outside a slim, spoiled demographic.

What the hell are you three looking at? Oh don't smile or anything. We all know how tough it is to grow up in a safe, protected, Illinois suburb, free of gangs, drugs, violence, and poverty.

Exibit Breakfast Club

How whiny is The Breakfast Club? "I got a pack of cigarettes for Christmas. My dad puts cigarettes out on me. Somebody call the Wah-mbulance." Everybody has problems, Judd Nelson. Guess what? High school ends in four years. After it you can go get a job in the exciting world of telemarketing or insurance sales.

Exibit Nerd

Why in god's name doesn't the nerdy Anthony Michael Hall ever find any sort of relationships in these movies? Even the weird silent girl with dandruff problems played by Ally Sheedy gets a little action by the end of BC from the future Mighty Ducks coach.

Exhibit Weird Science

At least it's not as bad as Weird Science, wherein Anthony Michael Hall gets a little bit of play from a conjured-genie-electronic-robot-girl thing. And it's not as bad as Curly Sue, an abortive Shirley Temple film starring the multi talented James Belushi. And then there are his post-retirement screen writing credits, including Home Alone, Beethoven, Maid in Manhattan, and Drillbit Taylor.

And even though Ferris is a fun movie, I could personally do without the last half hour where it gets all emotional and introspective. I think it goes south after the art gallery scene where Matthew Broderick bangs what's-her-name. Cameron goes all catatonic because he can't cope with simple human emotions and wrecks his dad's car saying "now he will have to talk to me." I wouldn't mind seeing the deleted scene where Cameron's dad gets hopped up on Old Crow Whiskey and beats Cameron to within an inch of his life. You know Cameron, maybe you could try talking to your father. If he is interested in cars, say this: "hey dad, how is your car?" But no, you're right, it's much better to mope around and passive-aggressively antagonize your father. Because it's not like you're ever going to need to borrow money from him in the future.

Hughes is the man whose movies inspired an entire generation to be ultra-whiny, overly emotional, generally worthless, and have an unearned sense of entitlement.

Thank you for your career, John Hughes. I know right now you are inspiring angels up in heaven to be incredibly petty and narrow minded and revolt over very minor issues that wouldn't bother anyone with a half a brain.

-LA

Bukowski on His Cat and Endurance

"Just endure if possible. I watch my cat sleeping night and day and this teaches me more than all the books and all the past. Other times it doesn't help. Meanwhile, there's some wine, and the itch."

-Charles Bukowski to Joe Stapen

December, 1980

Glenn Beck's 9 Principles (For Us to Poop On)

Glenn Beck's 9 Principles

According to the source of sources, conservative television and radio commentator Glenn Beck is on a campaign to extol 9 principles and 12 values - the 9/12 project. No, we are not making this up.

While it could be considered admirable to propose a list of ethics for us to live by, it could also be considered really, really pretentious. Who else does that? Let's see... Oh yeah, god.

The twelve values are straightforward, general, and boring, so they are not listed here. However, Beck's nine principles are hilarious. So here the are, followed by what could be comments from Beck, or might be stuff we thought might be funny - you decide. -TLB

--Glenn Beck's Nine Principles--

1. America Is Good

I mean, American right now, not slave-owning America, or legally segregated America. Why do you have to bring up old stuff?

2. I believe in God and He is the Center of my Life

And is definitely a white male. And straight. Definitely straight.

3. I must always try to be a more honest person than I was yesterday

The key word here is "try."

4. The family is sacred

And so are Jelly Belly's. But who's counting. (Not me. There are a lot of them.)

5. If you break the law you pay the penalty

Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

6. I have a right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness, but there is no guarantee of equal results

Plus, I don't know what that means, I just like the way it sounds.

7. I work hard for what I have and I will share it with whom I want to

Of course by "work" I mean talking into a microphone. What else could "work" mean?

8. It is not un-American for me to disagree with authority or to share my personal opinion

Although this tends to happen far more often when a Democrat is in a position of authority.

9. The government works for me — I do not answer to them, they answer to me

Don't take this to mean the government is efficient and I am satisfied with them. Oh no. No no no no no. I mean that I am the boss and if you don't like that, you are a racist, a socialist, a Latina...ist...or...just GET OFF MY PHONE!!!!1!

-TLB

National Contact Registry Can Suck It

National Contact Registry Can Suck It
Klaus Varley

Last week it was discovered that due to a bookkeeping error, we failed to renew our custom domain (www.theliterarybrothel.com) before it expired.

The bookkeeper has subsequently been fired, and all books burned.

Okay, no books were burned, but a bridge was.

The bridge was metaphorical.

It was between the bookkeeper and us.

Moving on.

What happens when a domain name expires? What is supposed to happen, is that the page goes blank and all the content it taken down. This is why we have no beef with Yoshiaki Oshima, who bought literarybrothel.com when the prior bookkeeper lost that one.

But this time when we, I mean, our bookkeeper forgot to renew the site, an entity with the legitimate-sounding name of "National Contact Registry" swooped in and scooped up www.theliterarybrothel.com. (Or however it happens. I imagine a virtual pooper-scooper.) Which was fine, until we realized they kept all of our content up.

Apparently this is what they do - steal people's content, and hold the original page for ransom - as evidenced by this post from a poetry website that had the same thing happen to them. (Not as crass as us here at TLB, they chose a much more literary title for their piece, giving it the poetic name,"A Bunch of Shit.")

But will we pay the ransom and try to get our content taken down? No way. (See title.)

Instead, here are some quotes from their own website, and a few snarky comments that prove that you don't have to be a teenager to think like one.

From NCR's website:

"National Contact Registry offers exposure to internet business's throughout the United States by providing a community based approach."

Good to know. And good to know how NOT to use an apostrophe.

"We have helped thousands of businesses throughout the United States. If you are a business owner and you found National Contact Registry, that proves our online marketing skills."

Or it proves that if you surf the internet long enough, you can find anything.

"Helping small to medium-sized companies is our specialty. We do this by providing an affordable way to touch thousands of consumers. By collaborating closely with consumers needs, National Contact Registry is able to confidently provide clients with exposure that every business deserves."

Yet there is no contact information - nor company history - on the site, only a shady form where you enter all YOUR information.

"If your website is not found on the internet your online business is going to fail!"

Unless you are in the business of failing. Then you will succeed!

"Being profiled in one of the largest internet registries will not only increase your exposure but your business."

That reminds me: I need to register the site with directory.google.com.

So what have we learned? Domain speculation is big business. Or at least "business."

And we need another bookkeeper.

With a bridge.

Any takers?

-KV

Bukowski on The Talentless

"I've found that the least talented scream the loudest, are the most abusive and the most self-assured. They've slept on my couches and puked on my rugs and drank my drinks and they have told me, continuously, of their greatness....Writers, please save me from the writers; the conversation of the Alvarado street whores was much more interesting, and more original."

-Charles Bukoswki, 1980