Naked Nacked Naced?

Necked Nacked Naced?
Klaus Varley

Here are a few of the craziest phrases people searched last week that landed them here on The Brothel. The title will make sense in the end. Promise. -KV

25 random things about me If you don't know these things, a Google search probably won't be much help.

dean cain look alike gay porn Dean Cain is so 1997. Now Gerald Butler on the other hand...

glowing blue dong Combine this with the previous search and you've got a (nuclear) bomb party. [Note how we used the word "bomb" to both make a joke and sound like the kids.]

how to start toothpase business Oh, we wish we knew. And we wish we knew how to spell "toothpase" too.

internet makes you dizzy The best place to find a remedy is, of course, to search for solutions on the internet, or as you call it, "the dizzy machine."

is there a difference between skyy vodka and grey goose vodka Yes. See our vodka taste test.

la asian brothels Where? Where? Wait, we mean, dude, brothel's are illegal.

nacked lady sex with man "Nacked" ladies are our favorite type of ladies.

prestige one of the worst vodkas We don't think so, friend. See our vodka taste test or that link three lines up that leads to the same taste test.

sunshine cleaning spoilers The whole movie is a spoiler - a mood spoiler! Oh, how we laugh at our own clevers.

watchmen naced ladie Is "naked" really that hard to spell?

Apparently so.

Seriously.

-KV

The New Brothel Turns One

To celebrate our one year anniversary, we're having a party.

If you did not get an email about the party, we're also celebrating our anniversary by posting a poem containing the statistics about the first year of The Brothel. Since you're already at home, or alone at a coffee shop, you might as well read on. It's kinda amusing. -KV

p.s. The party rocked.

The New Brothel Turns One
Klaus Varley

The (New) Literary Brothel was launched in April

of 2008.

Since then, we've had 7,431 Unique Visitors

who visited for an average of one minute

and eight seconds.

Which is enough time to read an article

Or two

If you're fast

Which is probably why the average number

of page views for the year

was 1.47.

Obviously, some people read two, or even three articles.

And others only read one.

Quickly.

And then move on

to Peppermint Creek

or Script Doctor Eric

0r other sites.

How did people find The Brothel?

Some came by way of keywords

Others, by Peppermint Creek

(Thus, we plugged the site

twice in this post.)

But most came through keywords

Such as "Bukowski Quotes"

and "Charles Bukowski Quotes"

both of which brought 467 people to The Brothel

about one a day, or something

who knows.

What I do know is that this next year

is going to be great

As long as we keep posting about Bukowski

And that asshole

Michael Phelps.

Just kidding.

He's not an asshole.

But this one post where we said he was

and it became

our most popular piece

of the year.

Booya.

-KV

p.s. I know

that's no way

to end a post

but hell,

poetry is hard

and if you don't think so

write a poem

and send it to us.

We'll post it.

Then,

all you have to do

is leave a public computer

on the screen with your poem

and watch how fast

the next person closes that window.

Booya.

domino apple bean salad jumper lion

Domino Apple Bean Salad Jumper Lion: The Strangest Keywords to Hit The Literary Brothel So Far This Year

"Best Books for Highschool Boys" - The best books for high school boys are on the shelf next to books like New Ways to Spell 'High School' for Parents.

"Get your HD porn iass now !" - Confusing as hell, but we dig the exclamation mark.

"My girlfriend in brothel" - And you're searching for her on the web? You should get out there and find her, man! Bring her home! (I told you we dug the exclamation mark.)

"Anderson Cooper + Dogs" - This can't be good. Or can it?

"Jumper Lion Asshole Bean Salad Panda Blog" - Is this related to "Domion Apple Bean Salad Jumper Lion" in some way?

"Open 24 hours 7 days brothel cold coast" - Which coast?

"Boobie Games" - Still a crowd favorite despite the fact that we're still not sure what a "boobie game" actually is.

"Domino Apple Bean Salad Jumper Lion" - Yes, this string of words landed people on The Brothel. Four times.

-TLB

reasons to vote yes on prop 8 charles bukowski quotes michael phelps asshole boobie games brothel

As you may or may not have guessed from the title, this is one of those posts where we tell you some of the top keywords that lead people to The Literary Brothel and speculate as to what-on-Earth people were actually looking for when they searched for these things. See, it's not all mumbo-jumbo all of the time. -KV


AND NOW, SOME KRAZY KEYWORDS THAT LET PEOPLE TO THE LITERARY BROTHEL THIS PAST MONTH


"confusing words school texas" - Are "texas" and "school" the confusing words to which you refer? If so, my head is doing some confusing right now.

"brothels downtown los angeles" - You think it's that easy to find a brothel in the great city of Los Angeles? Well, you're probably right. But it ain't here.

"cool fun facts about nevada" - First of all, "cool" and "fun" should never come before the word "facts." Facts are boring. Facts are dry. Has high school science taught you nothing?

"klaus varley banned gay marriage" - Woah, slow down with the accusations. That article (10 Reasons to Vote Yes on Proposition 8) is actually AGAINST Proposition 8. I know, you have to read carefully. Sorry about that.

"tucker bounds sexy" - Who are you, and why are you visiting our site, Ann Coulter?

"cool asshole" - I think the word your searching for is "oxymoron."

-KV

ps. Yeah, that's it. Hey, it's not our fault there weren't that many crazy search words. Next time search "domino apple bean salad jumper lion" so we have something to write about. Seriously, search it. Ha, welcome back!

10 Krazy Keywords in the Past Ten Days

These are ten of the strangest and/or most entertaining keywords that have landed people on The Literary Brothel recently. Perhaps this should be a regular article, such as "Krazy Keywords for September" or "Krazy Keywords this month" or anything with the word "crazy" spelled with a "k." BECAUSE "Ks" ARE NUTS!! - KV

what makes you dizzie - Misspelled words.

sexy literary quotes - "It is the East and Juliet is the sun. Arise fair sun and kill the envious moon." That's from memory...and that's all memory can remember.

tucker bounds is a asshole - This is incorrect.

tucker bounds is an asshole - This is correct.

common confusing words - Obfuscate, mystify, baffle, perplex, eh, you get the joke.

motherfuckin candy - When you want some serious candy, not just kids' stuff.

the great gatsby urban outfitters - In The Great Gatsby they might call this a "non sequitur." In Urban Outfitters they might call it "huh?"

i caught my girlfriend back on jdate - Yahweh gives you only one choice in these matters: "Do onto others as they do onto you." Or something like that. Yahweh tends to be misquoted.

stripper who had just been fired from the chicken shack? in 3 strikes - Speaks for itself.

recommended summer reading - The Literary Brothel. The Literary Brothel. The Literary Brothel. Emoticons.

:)

-KV

Bukowski Quotes vs. Charles Bukowski Quotes

Klaus Varley

While searches for both "bukowski quotes" and "charles bukowski quotes" land a number of visitors on The Literary Brothel, the visitors for each search are quite different.

According to Google Analytics, those who simply input "bukowski quotes" spend an average of nineteen seconds on the site while searchers for "charles bukowski quotes" average but five seconds. That's less than one third of the time. There might even be an exact measurement of the relationship, but no one can figure it out. (You say you can, and that relationship is 5:18? Thank you very much, Ms. Smarty-Pants Fourth Grader)

So why the disparity in average site visit time for people who seem to be searching for the same thing? There can only be one logical explanation:

1. After writing the laborious keywords "charles bukowski quotes," one is so tuckered out by the strain of typing that when they land on a smattering of quotes on a site called The Literary Brothel they are none too impressed. "I wanted ALL Bukowski quotes, dammit, that's why I typed his FULL name," they think, as they quickly navigate away to a more informative site."

Of course, there might be other reasons.

But probably not.

Mystery solved.

I'm off to surf the web...I mean, er, do "research."

-KV

what are little black dots on my toilet seat and are now moving

People search for everything on the Internet.

But to answer the question, those little black dots on your toilet seat could be a number of things. Here are some theories (and explanations in italics)

1. Tiny, alternative universes. That's how god works.
2. The (New) Black Plague. It has to start somewhere.
3. Poppy Seeds. Stop eating bagels on the toilet.
4. The little "i's" you forgot to dot are coming to get you. And periods too.
5. Apple is testing out the new iPod. It's small.
6. You have an interactive "connect-the-dots" toilet. You are now in the advanced "moving" round.
7. Poop. Poop.
8. The dots aren't on the toilet, they're in your mind. And now they are moving...
.
..
...
.... . . . . . . . . .... .
..
.
What dots?

Hope that helps!

iii....iii

-KV

Boobie Games vs Boobbie Games

Searches for both "boobie games" and "boobbie games" have hit our site multiple times, though I do not recall myself or any other harlot on The Brothel mentioning either activity.

And for the record, I have no idea what "boobie games" are, and I certainly cannot fathom what "boobbie games" might be. If you've landed here searching one of these two keywords, please drop a comment and let us know: what did you hope to find? (And my apologies that this is but a creative writing website.)

Searching for Keyword Brothel + The Assassination of Jesse James

This is a pretty straight-foward blog, written as I procrastinate doing any type of productive (read: history) work on a Friday evening. -KV

Looking for a piece I have about keywords hitting the site. Was something about the top keywords, making fun of the adult nature of each one. They were all things like naked, boobies, brothel, and what not. I thought it was called Keyword Brothel.

It seems I have thought wrong.

So it turns out that I'm writing a blog entry. Or am I simply writing a blog?

Since I'm writing a blog, lets jump topics. I just watched The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, (which is listed on IMDB as Jesse James, 2007) and though it is not bad at parts, the voice-over reminds me of The Royal Tenenbaums, but pretentious.

You might think, wait, Tenenbaums was pretentious. Well, this was pretentious not in the"we know we can't really make a serious movie, so hopefully you'll find this quirky" sort of way, but in the "we are artists, we shoot on film, this is serious."

How can you tell the difference? Here's a line from James.

"Rooms seemed hotter when he was in them. Rains fell straighter. Clocks slowed."

And here's a line from the Alec Baldwin voice-over in Tenenbaums:

"No-one spoke at the funeral, and Father Petersen's leg had not yet mended, but it was agreed among them that Royal would have found the event to be most satisfactory."

Maybe Jesse James was just too long. Or maybe I just love me some Tenenbaums.

Or maybe Jesse James is freakin' long.