Blogging while burning Pimsleur's Chinese (Mandarin) The Complete Course - Beginner/Part A

This is a blog entry. I'm not trying to be cute or funny. If you read something "cute" or "funny" into this, great, but uh, it's really about experimenting with this new form known as "the blog." What? It's not a new form, but a diary entry put in a public forum? Two words: Bah Humbug. -KV

Pimsleur should rename their course. These 9 CDs for Beginner/Part A are nowhere near the "Complete Course. This is a little intimidating - in Beginner/Part A there are NINE HOUR LONG CDs. Yes, nine. One can only assume there are the same number in Beginner/Part B, Beginner/Part C, and so on, up through Beginner/Part Z, at which point you finally start Intermediate/Part A... unless it is akin to Tetris the arcade game, on which my friend Cy gets to levels like AA, BB, CC...then I might never get to Intermediate/Part A!

Two thoughts: One: it could take forever to learn Chinese. Two: holy smokes, Cy is good at Tetris.

(Third thought: I should learn how to use colons properly.)

[Pause]

[Resume]

Still burning the 9 CDs. That ain't no hay. Check it out for yourself if you like. I recommend at your local library. So you can take them home and burn them.

Not that I'm doing that. No. I'm playing Tetris. I will beat Cy.

Ha, okay, done dreaming. And my computer says "Lesson 13 - Paul Pimsleur" is done. I'm not sure how much Paul is involved with each individual track. It's mostly a Chinese man and a Chinese woman speaking - who get no credit on the tracks: well done, Paul!. They state a number of phrases for you to repeat, interspersed with a very white voice (VWV) saying things like, "Now say, 'I do not speak Mandarin very well,'" a phrase I now know, and can use to confirm the assumptions of everyone I meet in China. I'm not sure I'll need that phrase as much as "Where is the bathroom?" which I have yet to learn through six lessons.

Ah, just one more CD to go! Oh, the last disk is the "User's Manual." Not sure what is on it. Perhaps I'll give it a listen, before I learn more useful phrases like, "I am American," or "I do not understand."

To be fair, I've learned some useful phrases too, such as "Excuse me, may I ask you a question?" which would go great with phrases like, "where is the bathroom?"

Don't you think?

-KV

ps. I am not pleased that "Tetris" - the most popular video game in history, yeah it is, look it up - was flagged during Blogger's spell-check. Get with the times, Blogger.

Not Something About New York City

I'm supposed to write something about my trip to New York City but instead I'm finishing a load of laundry and surfing facebook.

Because it is Wednesday.

Put your pics, people!

-KV

10 Krazy Keywords in the Past Ten Days

These are ten of the strangest and/or most entertaining keywords that have landed people on The Literary Brothel recently. Perhaps this should be a regular article, such as "Krazy Keywords for September" or "Krazy Keywords this month" or anything with the word "crazy" spelled with a "k." BECAUSE "Ks" ARE NUTS!! - KV

what makes you dizzie - Misspelled words.

sexy literary quotes - "It is the East and Juliet is the sun. Arise fair sun and kill the envious moon." That's from memory...and that's all memory can remember.

tucker bounds is a asshole - This is incorrect.

tucker bounds is an asshole - This is correct.

common confusing words - Obfuscate, mystify, baffle, perplex, eh, you get the joke.

motherfuckin candy - When you want some serious candy, not just kids' stuff.

the great gatsby urban outfitters - In The Great Gatsby they might call this a "non sequitur." In Urban Outfitters they might call it "huh?"

i caught my girlfriend back on jdate - Yahweh gives you only one choice in these matters: "Do onto others as they do onto you." Or something like that. Yahweh tends to be misquoted.

stripper who had just been fired from the chicken shack? in 3 strikes - Speaks for itself.

recommended summer reading - The Literary Brothel. The Literary Brothel. The Literary Brothel. Emoticons.

:)

-KV

The Internet is for Porn

That's the title of a song from "Avenue Q," a musical now playing on Broadway. In New York City. The city we just returned from Wednesday night. A city that - combined with traveling - is to blame for a cold keeping me from...tons and tons of copious physical activities that I do everyday? I guess I'll just have to blog, edit, and surf the web. What a change in lifestyle.

But let's get back to Avenue Q.

Avenue Q is a musical that we did not get to see, because we were only in New York for one in a half days. But the title should hopefully drive more hits to The Brothel. We've been hurting for hits since Michael Phelps got dry.

And I'm not talking about his drinking.

But maybe I should be? Will that bring readers to The Brothel?

I know, I should care more about content than about hits. Develop a strong, regular readership. Blah blah blah.

"Blah blah blah"...that reminds me. I met a guy in Baltimore who covers Phelps. Maybe I'll blog about that in the upcoming days when I blog about Klaus Varley's 2008 trip to the East Coast.

For now, I'm off to eat/drink more soup. This has been a semi-rational posting from a less-than healthy Brothel co-founder. The New York, DC, and Baltimore stories are coming next week. Promise.

-KV

McCain Gets Angry, Punches Reporter in the Face After Calling Her the C-Word

The title of the post comes from what I predict will be in the headlines of newspapers articles across the nation on the day it is posted. Was I right? Yes! -Klaus Varley, Sept. 10th, 2008

This post - as well as the last few - have been written well in advance, as your correspondent has been on leave, taking his travels to the East Coast.

Upon returning to Los Angeles, he will no doubt have plenty to write about, as the East Coast is legendary for its public transportation, crab, and literary snobbery. I will do my best to weigh in on all of these pressing issues, as well as other things, such as weddings, old friends, and airplane shenanigans.

This is less a post than a preview of up coming posts.

So I guess the appropriate thing to say now is...stay tuned?

"Klaus Varley's East Coast Report" is coming.

Stay tuned.

-KV

Rock Heroes at Wal-Mart

"Rock Heroes. The biggest collection of rock hits from your favorite video games"

Is that really the tagline for a new CD compilation being sold at Wal-Mart?

Yes, it is.

Have Rock Band and Guitar Hero become so popular that the now spawn CD collections?

Yes, they have.

But the ad goes on:

"Includes, The Scorpions, Billy Idol, Kiss, Boston, Survivor. Rock Heroes. All remastered. Alice Cooper, Ratt, Night Ranger, and Many More. Rock Heroes. In stores now. Only at Wal-Mart."

Of course while the hyper-masculine voice is spouting these words, the viewer is treated to a few bars of songs such as "Rebel Yell," and "Rock you Like a Hurricane," accompanied by clips of the artists in full form. Then, in case you couldn't hear the announcer, or didn't recognize the song, the name of each artist EXPLODES ONTO THE SCREEN IN HUGE SOLID GOLD LETTERS WITH FLAMING RED OUTLINE*

RATT

NIGHT RANGER

And many more.

Save money. Live better. Klaus Varley.

Oops. I mean, Wal-Mart.

Man, this stuff gets in your head. Maybe it's not such a cheesy advertisement after all.

Nah, it is.

-KV

*(Apparently I do not have "flaming red outline" capability)

Get Fox News Off of Your Google News Feed

Here's how to get Fox News off of your Google News feed: (A big THANKS to "MrYdobon" who posted a message on Google News Help from which I based these instructions) -KV

1. Sign in to Google and go to your Google news page.
2. Click on the "edit this page" link towards the upper right corner. If you've never personalized your page, the link is called "personalize this page."
3. Click "add a custom section".
4. In the Keywords box, I entered "obama mccain -site:foxnews.com" and clicked the "add
section" button. (The new section appears titled "obama mccain -site:foxnews.com") But if you just want "elections" or another keyword, then just put that before the -site:foxnews.com)
5. Click save changes, or save layout, or whatever you can save...

And...

You're done!

No more Fox Hate Speech!

Woo woo.

-KV

ps. Of course, Fox News still appears in your other categories, including Top Stories. Not sure what to do about that...email writing campaign to Google? Anyone?

Wisdom, Love, and Subway

One of the consequences of running a creative writing website that you virtually ignore for three years (2004-2007) is you lose touch with some of the contributors. Another consequence is that you forget completely the identity of the contributors. (Some of us use aliases here at The Literary Brothel. Didn't'cha know?) This is a case where both consequences came true.

In other words, who the hell is Angelica L? Oh well, here's a piece by her griping about her boyfriend's consistent refusal to pay for their meals at Subway. Yes, the sandwich place. No, the boyfriend wasn't me. Please. Leave the bad jokes to me. -KV

WISDOM, LOVE, AND SUBWAY™
by Angelica L.

I hate stumbling upon an epiphany, suddenly becoming the butt of an unknown joke, suddenly realizing you're the "mysterious" pronoun being tossed around in the gossip to your right.

I have proven time after time that you only see what you want to see. (I'm not in any way attempting to thieve this line from "The 6th Sense") Love isn't blind, it's too easily satisfied. It's blind in the way that one would rather gauge their eyes out than admit they've gone against years of preaching and ultimately settled.

If love weren't a figurative concept, I'd kick the shit out of her, and if I were you, I'd be putting that money on me.

My knowledge of our relationship's down falls came slowly. Similar to the realization that mommy and daddy aren't ten feet tall or fearless, that contrary to your prior belief, mommy and daddy are human. (Faults, hang-ups, and insecurities included.)

After two years, and multiple breakups, my blinders crumbled (my own twisted version of "The allegory of the cave"). And, why the hell does it always end up as multiple breakups, and never multiple orgasms?

I thought I had obtained the "catch" of a lifetime. But as I also thought I was going to spend my life playing house and climbing the jungle gym with my second grade crush Brian, you'd think these realizations would arrive at a more convenient point in time. (Also, funny how they call it "crush" like a obvious foreshadowing.)

So, I've thought it through and arrived at the conclusion that... I was a real bitch in a past life, and now I'm exempt from romantic success. That or I'm completely inept at choosing compatible partners, but the first excuse doesn't make me feel as bad about myself.

Visualization Time:

Imagine reaching the cash register at Subway, after the energetic young girl has prepared your six-inch club sub (hold the mustard and onions please), and the grand total is announced by the cashier on a crowded Saturday afternoon. Now imagine glancing to your right, at your date, only to be met by a blank look of anticipation, then with your best look of confusion, glance back-and-forth between your date and the cashier until the awkward silence is broken by him uttering the phrase "aren't you gonna pay, baby?" Then, as you attempt to recreate the appearance of a smile, grab your wallet, and internally scream "AGAIN?!"

I really had to vent that memory.

Aside from the anecdote, I haven't given up on guys or relationships, but I hope I've finally realized how to pick a good one.

And I vow never to be embarrassed in a Subway again.

-Angelica L.