On Kill Bill - A Moderated Discussion from 2003

In this post Death Proof world, we have forgotten that there was a time when Quentin Tarantino's career was in question. In 2003, Tarantino hadn't released a movie in six years. His last fare was the slow, kinda-cool Jackie Brown. Had Kill Bill not been the success it was, we'd all probably know Quentin as the guy who did Pulp Fiction, and say things to each other like "Man, Pulp Fiction was good. Whatever happened to that guy?"

So, here's a long-ass piece about Kill Bill. I tried to edit it, but I'll probably just post something quickly after it, so it starts making its way down the front of The Brothel, and eventually falling into the abyss of Previous Posts. -KV


ON KILL BILL (A moderated discussion with Klaus Varley and Charlie Luzon on the recently released, highly touted Quentin Tarantino film)

with Klaus Varley, Charlie Luzon, fictional moderator BILL, actual moderator William James, and the subtle presence of a humble Transcriber :)

--Begin Transcription--

WILLIAM: Gentlemen. You’ve both just been visually privy to the film Kill Bill. Your thoughts?

BILL: Is that how you’re going to do it?

WILLIAM: Pardon?

BILL: Shall I repeat myself?

KLAUS (Whispers to Charlie): That line's from The Royal Tenenbaums.

CHARLIE (Whispering back): It could be from anywhere.

WILLIAM: Well, I figured that would be a good question to initiate conversation.

BILL: You figured, did you? Well, figure this: Two m-therf-cking moderators on one panel. The former says something stupid, the other, slightly tuckered out from appearing on twenty-five hundred fucking screens nationwide, has neither the patience nor the tenacity for mundane conversation, and executes the former with the second of his two Tenachi-made samurai swords that he had to check because the c-ck s-cking airport security thought I was going to slice some m-therf-ckers up, which of course, I will. Not stewardess though, a moderator. The former moderator. Slice to the brain, Shaw-Brothers style.

KLAUS: Who are the Shaw Brothers?

CHARLIE: Shut up and let him finish his monologue.

BILL: I’m going to say this only once, but with redundancy so you understand: Sit quietly and shut the fuck up. I’m patience-less, I’m fictional, and I’m the moderator. Say it with me – and let this be the last sentence you say tonight.

WILLIAM: I’m patience-less, I’m fictional, and I’m the moderator.

BILL: Good. Now Klaus, Charlie, welcome to The Literary Brothel’s discussion of Kill Bill.

KLAUS: Thanks.

CHARLIE: Thank you.

BILL: You’ve just seen the movie, which means you saw it not opening night, but opening day. You two are a bunch of fucking geeks.

KLAUS: That’s what I said. You’re a fucking geek, man.

CHARLIE: You not only agreed to go with me, but picked me up an hour early to get good parking.

KLAUS: Touché.

BILL: Let’s talk about the movie. Crazy shit, am I right?

KLAUS: You would know Bill, you’re in it.

CHARLIE: I don’t’ understand how you’re conducting this discussion.

BILL: You mean the format?

CHARLIE: I mean the fact that you’re not an actor; you’re the actual character. How is this happening?

BILL: I’m the moderator, I ask the fucking questions. Just be cool.

CHARLIE: Uh, okay.

BILL: Klaus. I was watching you during the movie, and, you kept shifting in your seat. South American killer reds in your khakis?

KLAUS: You were watching me? Is that why we never saw your face?

BILL: You goddamn…(cell phone rings). Hello? Oh, I see. Right away. (Hangs up cell phone.) Excuse me gentlemen.

Bill leaves in a flourish.

CHARLIE: That was strange.

KLAUS: I wonder who it was?

CHARLIE: Does it matter? At least you didn’t tell him how bored you were.

KLAUS: I wasn’t bored.

CHARLIE: Bullshit. Bill was right - you couldn’t sit still for five minutes. I saw you check out the Indian girl two seats away about ten times.

KLAUS: You were watching me?

CHARLIE: You looked across me.

KLAUS: Well, she was hot.

CHARLIE: I’m sure that enhanced her movie experience, seeing some chump turn her way every fifteen minutes.

KLAUS: You think she noticed?

CHARLIE: Of course she noticed. They always notice.

KLAUS: She was hot though. You gotta admit.

CHARLIE: Fair enough.

KLAUS: You weren’t bored?

CHARLIE: When?

KLAUS: When? When do you think? During the movie. Let’s get the moderator back here so the transcriber of this conversation won’t be too bored by the myriad tangents we go off on. (Thanks guys!) And Transcriber? Please make me sound cool. Mix up my vocabulary, or take out clichés or something - my oral interlocution ability often subsides in mundane conventionality and though I strive to eschew obfuscation, my efforts are often futile. :)

CHARLIE: Whoever is reading this later should know that whatever it says on the page is not reflective of the level of eloquence exhibited by Klaus.

KLAUS: Hey William, time to get your moderation back on. I’m'a gonna school this kid about how bad the movie was. It’s Kill Charlie time.

WILLIAM: Alright. Well, gentlemen. Thoughts on the film?

KLAUS: Yeah, here are some thoughts: we all know this is a two-part film, but it doesn’t have to be except that there’s a hundred long, draining shots where we’re supposed to admire the “coolness” of it all and all I can think of is that geek Tarantino sitting in the editing room with his gargantuan cranium saying to the editor, “and cue surf guitar intro riff, and let it play on the pan to the snowflakes as they fall to the ground, and oh, this is the coolest shit, hold, hold…hold…oh good. Now I need to go to a mall and have people recognize me. I’ll be right back.”

CHARLIE: Are you done?

KLAUS: Almost. What happened to Tarantino’s cool dialog? The stuff in Reservoir Dogs, the stuff in Pulp Fiction, some of the stuff in True Romance?

CHARLIE: I’ll bet you know.

KLAUS: Damn right I do. Check this out: Quentin and friend Roger Avery wrote a four hundred page script, a trilogy, containing Reservoir Dogs, True Romance, and Pulp fiction. If you watch the movies somewhat closely you can hear the names of the characters as they overlap.

CHARLIE: Roger Avery and Quentin Tarantino? Rogantino?

KLAUS: The names of the characters in the three movies.

WILLIAM: And Kill Bill is…

KLAUS: Kill Bill isn’t part of the trilogy. Since those three movies, Tarantino hasn’t written or directed anything that can hold its own against any Guy Ritchie film or Christopher Nolan or Danny Boyle or shit, Roger Avery (Rules of Attraction) for that matter.

CHARLIE: And you call me a nerd.

KLAUS: In Kill Bill, like in Jackie Brown, Tarantino relies on the “coolness” of the set, costumes, and actors in order to get by. The dialog is crap, the characters are fecal matter :) , and the stories are nothing to write Homer about :( .

WILLIAM: Would be fair to say Klaus, that you’re giving the film a thumbs down?

KLAUS: No, I liked it alright. The action was cool and you get to watch Uma for two hours. Hot.

CHARLIE: What was all that shit about Tarantino?

Klaus shrugs his shoulders.

KLAUS: When are we gonna go get something to eat?

WILLIAM: Charlie, any thoughts?

CHARLIE: Well, I liked the film. It’s an obvious homage to kung-fu flicks of the 1970’s with a lot of tongue-and-cheek character creation that makes you just want to go along for the ride. A lot of people might not get that, read: Klaus—

KLAUS: Read: Charlie = asshole.

CHARLIE: Even if you don’t get the references, the jokes, the cameos by Kung-Fu legends of small screen lore, you can still have a good time. That’s what this movie is all about. Cool costumes, about a thousand dead samurai warriors, Lucy Liu, shit, there’s even an anime sequence. How cool is that?

KLAUS: I don’t know Charlie Dorko, how cool is that?

CHARLIE: Pretty fuckin’ cool, dick.

WILLIAM: Well, thank you gentlemen. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried…

CHARLIE: Jesus, who are you? I mean, thanks William. Thanks everyone who made it this far. If there is anyone left reading. See you all at The Brothel.

KLAUS: Yeah, thanks William, and thanks in advance to the !Transcriber!. An indelible, often misunderstood presence that we – like air filling our lungs on a daily basis – foolishly take for granted.


-TLB



KILL BILL (2003)
RATED: R

KLAUS
GRADE: @@@ ½ - Near where it’s at. Three and a half "Ats" out of a possible five.

CHARLIE
GRADE: B+ - Pure entertainment and a great homage to kung-fu movies of old.