Don't Call it a Comeback: The Janns Steps Incident

Don't Call it a Comeback: The Janns Steps Incident
Klaus Varley

Every day I climb an enormous, very public, very wide set of stairs on my way to my office at school. You know the stairs. They're the stairs Will Ferrell and Co. climbed in Old School. They're the ones Eddie Murphy ran up in The Nutty Professor. They're the ones that tour guides of the school refer to as "the steps Will Ferrell and Co. climbed in Old School and Eddie Murphy ran up in The Nutty Professor." That's right: Janns Steps.

Yep, that's how you spell it.

Before I begin, it's important for you to understand that at school there is a week-long period between Spring and Summer Quarter when campus is nearly empty and nary an undergrad is to be found. Some call this "the interim." Others, "paradise."

On one of these days during paradise, I slogged my way up the hill, headphones on, wondering why I took this route. Before I got to the top, I spotted a strange shape on the horizon - a Naval officer in full dress uniform. And next to him was a guy in his 30s in a polo shirt.

"Interesting," I thought, and also, "how many more stairs to the top?"

Suddenly, both figures frantically waved their arms as if I'd just stepped into a "no-fly zone." The non-military man hustled down the stairs in my direction, still waving his arms. I turned my head, glancing behind me - there were a few scattered people far off in the quad, but I was the only one on the stairs. I ripped off my headphones and addressed the polo-clad lad.

"Are you talking to me?" I asked, genuinely confused and not wanting them to send Maverick after me.

"No, I don't even know you, why would I be talking to you?" barked the poorly dressed fat man, plodding down the steps. Apparently the people they wanted were the idiotic ones in the quad who couldn't locate the largest, most famous area of campus without a Major and his majorly retarded friend flagging them down.

As you may have guessed from the fair and balanced description above, I was upset. But because of the rapidity of the exchange, I did not get a chance to respond. We were moving in opposite directions - a few steps later I was at the top of the stairs, and he was nearing the bottom. No time for a comeback; the moment had passed.

Yet, due to the wonders of the internet, I now have a chance to respond. Here are some possible comebacks to "No, I don't even know you, why would I be talking to you?" that I couldn't pull out of my hat in the moment.

"Is this a test?"

"I don't see anyone else around, you must be talking to me."

"Annnnngry."

"What? Oh, I'm not talking to you, I'm doing my impression from Taxi Driver."

"I can give you one golden reason you'd be talking to me, and it rhymes with "Crocolate Factory."

"My mom always says that exact same thing."

There we go. Given a moment or two, I could have been the king of Janns Steps. Next time I'll be ready.

What would you have said? Feel free to leave your comebacks in the comments section, but remember: you just took off your headset to politely ask if you were in the way, to which an angry, bitter man responded: "No, I don't even know you, why would I be talking to you?"

Go ahead. Bring your comeback. Do it before the moment passes.

Seriously.

-KV