Books to Read in 2010

Klaus Varley

As I'm sure you recall from my New Year's Resolution Post, I, Klaus Varley, vowed to read a book of fiction each and every month of 2010. I've already picked out a book for January (Dune), and instead of doing anything productive this New Year's Eve, I thought I'd do one of my favorite procrastination exercises: make a list.

And so, what follows is a list of books that I swear I'm going to read in 2010 because either it's a "classic" or I bought at a library sale and it has been sitting on my bookcase ever since. (Twenty-five cents? Hell yes, I'll take it.)

Here we go!

(Month - Book - What I've heard)

Jan - Dune - "This is like, the best science fiction book ever." -Parker Briggsmore

Feb - Dragon Seed - "Pearl S. Buck's best work." - Random Amazon Reviewer

March - Sense and Sensibility - "I've only read it twenty times." - My girlfriend

April - Consider the Lobster - "This is a good intro to David Foster Wallace." - English Grad Student who thinks I need introductions to things. (Also in April, Lolita - one of the two books I attempt to reread once a year. The other is The Great Gatsby - see October.)

May - Liar's Poker - "Michael Lewis is one of my favorite authors." - Kyle, attorney, San Francisco, CA

June - The Grapes of Wrath - "You haven't read The Grapes of Wrath? Really?" - My dad

July - Infinite Jest - "Challenging." - More intelligent coworker

August - Red Harvest - "Hammett, Chandler...those guys can write." - Teddy Nutmeg

Sept - The Diamond Age - "This is the best science fiction book ever." - Parker Briggsmore

Oct -The Plot Against America - "This reminds me of your dissertation." - Concerned friend. Also in October, The Great Gatsby, though this is the last rereading for a while - other books need to be reread too.

Nov - The Heart of the Matter - "You're right, Graham Greene a great writer." - Klaus's sister.

Dec - War and Peace - "A classic." - Everyone

And anything else you recommend. I guess.

-KV

First Spinning Class: Jumps

Klaus Varley

The instructor is a 40 year old woman with .04% body fat. Klaus Varley is a 30 something year old man-child with more than .04% body fat. (But you probably knew that already.)

The hour-long class has just begun. It's nearly empty, the music is loud, and Klaus pedals fast, ignoring instructions to "turn his level up," whatever that means.

"Is your level up?" says the instructor.

"What?" says Klaus, confused that he has been singled out, but also truthfully, because as previously stated, the music is loud.

The instructor points to the lever knob on her bike and motions up with her thumb. Klaus returns her gesture, giving the instructor a thumbs up.

"You're pedaling too fast. Turn your level up."

Klaus yells a bright "OK!" to get into the mood of the class. He reaches down and twists the knob on his bike a couple of sharp turns to the right. Or at least, that's what it looks like. Because it's his first class, Klaus doesn't want to overdo it, so instead of turning up his level, he feigns the motion, and pedals slower, as if struggling with the greater resistance added to the bike.

"Okay class, get ready for jumps!"

Klaus looks down at his bike: stationary. Very stationary. He looks around the room: four people, four stationary bikes. The he looks to the instructor on her stationary bike and thinks, "This should be challenging."

"Go!"

The instructor pops up, standing and pedaling furiously. (This should have been clarified int the beginning - whenever I mention the instructor, it should be assumed she is pedaling furiously.) After eight counts of the chorus of "Cannonball" by The Breeders, she sits back down. The rest of the class does the same. Klaus soon joins in.

"Alright!" he exclaims, his breath quickening, sweat seeping through his shirt.

"You're getting the hang of it," says the instructor, mid "jump."

"What?" yells Klaus, half jokingly. He heard her, he just wants to hear it again. She gives him another look.

"Don't wear yourself out. We've still got fifty-five minutes to go."

Klaus blinks hard, and turns the level down on his bike.

-TLB

Bukowski on Criticism from Literary Critics

The best way a fake can cover is to call somebody else a fake. Their attacks on me are an affirmation that I"m doing things right. I just go on with what I'm doing.

-Charles Bukowski, 1984

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10 Last Minute Gift Ideas

Klaus Varley

Don't know what to get mom this year? Forgot to buy that wacky aunt a gift? (To be fair, you're still not sure if she's Jewish.) Luckily, The Literary Brothel is here to help.

10 Last Minute Gift Ideas

10. Your Old Computer If your relative is John McCain, or voted for John McCain, they'll never know the difference.
9. Knives Always come in handy. Especially the sharp kind.
8. Godel, Escher, Bach I know you have it on your shelf. I also know you're never going to read it.
7. A Kitten Be careful in wrapping - apparently they need air holes.
6. Blue Crush DVD Why do you have that movie, anyway? Give it away. Wrap it in Styrofoam if you want it to look "new."
5. Pens Always come in handy. Especially the kind with ink.
4. A Magazine Subscription Just when you thought these were all going to be joke ideas.
3. Las Vegas Cocktail Waitress Oops, that was so last year. If you haven't bought anything for Tiger yet, I'm sure a blog post showing your support would be plenty.
2. Donation to The Literary Brothel in their Name Support the local arts. (We're now based every city...via the internet...sort of.) For more info, email literarybrothel@gmail.com.
1. Health Insurance Seriously.

Hope that helps!

And Happy Holidays from all of us here at The Literary Brothel. Including team Blue Crush.



-KV

Avatar Spoilers!

Klaus Varley

-- Caution! This post contains spoilers! Thus the title. --

-- Warnings over. Let the spoilers begin! --

Avatar is in 3D Oh, you knew that? The woman sitting next to us apparently did not, fumbling with her glasses through the opening and leaving the theater after fifteen minutes.

The planet Pandora and the music website Pandora are not the same thing This was obvious to some.

The trees are alive But unlike in The Lord of the Rings, they're more like middle managers, getting animals to do most of their grunt work.

Jake Sully is half robot Oops, wrong movie.

Bows and arrows don't work against space ships Except in the end, when they do. I guess Jake taught the Na'vi how to shoot really hard or something.

Your avatar can have sex But it's VERY unclear how this works, exactly.

Michelle Rodriguez looks hot in war paint WHY she puts on war paint when none of the other humans do is another question.

You don't die if your avatar dies You just wake up coughing.

They should have sent Al Gore to Pandora instead of Ripley With that gun, I'm not surprised the Na'vi didn't trust her.


Seriously.

-KV

Live Blogging from the Santa Monica Library

Klaus Varley

Right now I'm sitting at a table in the main branch (is that what they call it?) of the Santa Monica Library typing on my computer, thinking how clever it is to be typing exactly what I'm doing, and wondering why I don't do this more often.

The answer to that will come shortly. I can feel it.

I glance ahead at the guy at the table in front of me, and notice that his shirt is blue - I mean REALLY blue. He probably thinks my eyes are just randomly searching the library, and in a sense he's right, but in another sense no, he's not right, I'm writing about his shirt and he probably would NEVER guess that I'm writing about his shirt. Unless of course, he put on that shirt with expressly that purpose.

"I'm going to wear this blue shirt, go the library, and give some blogger who is looking around the room something to write about."

First off, man, this isn't a blog. Well, THIS entry is blog-like, but most of the other pieces are planned expressions of creative writing. (As I write this, I begin to realize that the line has blurred between what is or isn't a blog these days, and that some blogs have elevated the word "blog" so that it's not even a bad thing.)

Then my phone rings.

And by "rings" I mean "vibrates."

It's the car dealership. My car is...not ready? They need to replace the battery? 300 bucks? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

I gotta call them back.

Blogging over.

I mean, creative observations.

Over.

-KV

ps. As I pack my things, the guy in the blue shirt is watching Susan Boyle's performance of "I Dreamed a Dream" on his laptop. How do I know this if he is facing me? Because I can hear it blasting out of his computer speakers, and his eyes are a little misty.

Seriously.

Tiger Woods's Ten Best Pick-Up LInes

Klaus Varley

The jokes are arriving a little late, as the media - and everyone we know - are slowly diverting their attention away from Woods to petty updates about the health care bill and global warming. Oh well, cant' say we didn't try. -TLB

10. Hi, I'm Tiger Woods.
9. Want to see my driver?
8. By "driver," I mean my "golf driver," not my chauffeur.
7. By "golf driver" I mean my penis.
6. Nice hair. I've never dated a blond before.
5. Can I use five of my billion dollars to buy you a drink?
4. I can make you famous. That is, if you sleep with me and/or save my voice mails and text messages.
3. Did you know Tigers can make love for ten hours at a time? Yes, I did make that up.
2. Fore!...some. Thoughts?
1. Just do me.

-KV

ps. Below is on of the pics of Tiger Woods' wife Elin Nordegren that has guys across the nation doing the "what was he thinking?" scratch of their heads.


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Charles Bukowski Quote on Writing

The main thing about writing is to write, not to talk about writing.

-Charles Bukowski, 1985

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions for 2010

Klaus Varley

Yes, it IS early to start making resolutions for next year, but guess what? That's all part of the plan. See my Facebook status:

"KV is getting a jump on his new year's resolutions because he thinks that was one of last year's resolutions, but isn't sure because he didn't write them down...speaking of which, the first new resolution just came to him."

Clever? Boy, I'd like to think so. I'm still waiting for a comment, though, or at least a thumbs up. C'mon thumbs up(s)! Why are my friends not on Facebook at 1am? What do I have 300 friends for anyway?

While we're waiting, let's make some resolutions for next year, and make that status update come true.

To get some ideas, I looked up common New Year's resolutions, which seem to more or less follow this pattern:

1. Stop smoking
2. Get Fit
3. Lose Weight
4. Enjoy Life More
5. Quit Drinking
6. Get Organized
7. Learn Something New
8. Get Out of Debt
9. Spend more time with the Family
10. Help Others

Boring! Get organized? Learn something? C'mon! And repetitive! Numbers 1, 2, 3, and 5 are all about diet and exercise. Sheesh. We can do better than that.

Klaus Varley's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

1. Write down resolutions or post them online (check).
2. Learn Chinese. (Or at least 10 Chinese words a week. That's 500 words a year!)
3. Beat Parker in a triathlon and win a Wii off his slow, trash-talking face.
4. Write a page a day on that freakin' book I started this year, you know that one, oh you don't? Check it out.
5. Read a book of fiction every month. Plan in advance. Carry that damn book with you. January is Dune. ("You haven't read Dune, Klaus?" That's why I'm reading a book a month, so I won't have to answer questions like "You haven't read --title of book everyone but me has read--?")
6. Listen to 30 minutes of Spanish every day. Speak a little.
7. Time your internet usage. Stay away from YouTube. It is the devil.
8. Stop using cliches in your writing.
9. Jump the shark.
10. Make 2011's resolutions in November.

So those are not completely unlike the popular resolutions, and a few of them deal with "learning something new," but at least they're more specific.

And if I've learned anything from past resolutions, it's that being specific - and not talking around things - is the most important part. Otherwise, such declarations that may have significance in the early part of the year, may or may not retain that significance as we move through certain, unspecified months.

Seriously.

-KV

Recent Keywords that landed people on The Brothel (Hello!)

TLB

Even though they're more like key "phrases" than key "words," the following are the top ten in the past month.

1. Quotes from Glee Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch) is single-handedly keeping our site alive.

2. Gayest Sports Well, we ARE in football season. (Zing!)

3. Vodka Taste Test 2008 [Snaps fingers] We need to send out invites for the Great Tequila Taste Test of 2009. Thanks for the reminder.

4. Best Bukowski Quotes The Brothel used to thrive on Bukowski quotes. Now? It's all about WHGR. (What hath Glee wrought?)

5. Film Review Submission Yes, we accept movies for review. Shoot us an email then shoot us your movie. Then DON'T shoot when we give it a negative review.

6. Youtube Names If you can't devise your own YouTube name, well, perhaps the "you" in YouTube is not referring to you.

7. Best Youtube Names What's with all the YouTube name interest? Oh that's right, you need an account to watch Sarah Palin mashups and name-call in the comment section.

8. Petco Controversy If there's ever a REAL controversy at Petco, our site is gonna be huge.

9. Brothel Names They usually have "massage" in the name.

10. Brothel Tube We don't even want to know.

-TLB

Catching up to (with?) Lady Gaga

Like arriving at a baseball game in the fourth inning, we here at The Brothel are a little late in discovering the phenomenon known as "Lady Gaga."

After five minutes on YouTube and Wikipedia, we're all caught up. Sure, we don't have all the details of her life memorized - such as her real name (it's LONG) - but hey, we also don't know Bob Dylan's real name, and we've been listening to his stuff for years. Speaking of which, that's actually kind of shameful that I don't know his name...

[Right now I'm definitely NOT looking up Bob Dylan..Oh yeah, Robert Zimmerman!]

Back to Gaga. It turns out we've missed the (artistic) birth of the next serious contender for Madonna's throne. She's been writing song for years, did the New York club scene, and seems pretty down to earth in the recent interview on Ellen.

A lot people might look at her crazy outfits and wild videos and think she's just another pop star selling sex and style. Sure, she's selling that, but as exemplified by the cover art for her single "Poker Face"(above) she's also not afraid to sacrifice physical recognition for stylistic imagination.

Depending on the clip you see, she might come across as a joker, a freak, a feminist, an artist, a gay-rights activist, and, oh yeah, a musician who writes some catchy music.

From a overly-analytical business perspective, this is a great move. People won't associate Lady Gaga with something stagnant, such as a trademark look (or even the face of a 23-year old), but with IDEAS: the unexpected, mystery, and cutting edge of fashion, style, and music videos.

Too much analysis? Alright, here are some clips to help you catch up with Lady Gaga, whom we have just said, is the next big thing. You heard it here first.

Well, not technically "first," but a year late, then "first."

-TLB

Lady Gaga on Ellen



Her performance of Bad Romance on the same show




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Nine, Up in the Air, and other Awards Movies

Langdon Auger

As an update to the awards season madness, I bring you two new movies. The first is the Rob Marshall directed musical Nine and the other is the Jason Reitman helmed, George Clooney starring Up in the Air.

As a quick aside, I pulled into the theater for Nine and I saw massive crowds and paparazzi. Apparently Brad Pitt and Quentin Tarantino were doing a Q and A session after a special screening of Inglorious Basterds. As jealous as I am that I missed the screening, I was a little shocked at the number of paparazzi who hounded Brad Pitt. This guy can't go anywhere without those guys harassing him and I thought that was pretty sad.

Then I remembered he is rich, attractive, talented, successful, and sleeping with Angelina Jolie and I decided, screw him.

Nine is a musical remake of the Fellini film 8 ½, a trippy mid life crisis film about a director reflecting on his life and the women who shaped it. While I personally consider the original Fellini film too inscrutable and perplexing, many consider it a masterpiece and it should definitely be on everyone's Netflix queue (it's available for streaming video, so it doesn't even need to take up one of your mailing positions).

Everything about this musical suggests it is good. The director did the previous Best Picture winner Chicago. The cast consists of Daniel Day Lewis, Judy Dench, Penelope Cruz, and the ever beautiful Sophia Loren. On a less enthusiastic note, it also stars Nicole Kidman Kate Hudson, Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas, and everyone's favorite conspiracy theorist, Marion Cotillard. That is seven acting Oscars between them, and several more nominations.

But fantastic sets, direction, and a cast to die for can't make up for a lackluster source material. The Tony award winning musical simply isn't that good. I judge musicals based on how long I wait before buying the soundtrack. With Dream Girls, the first thing I did on leaving the theater was find a Target before it closed and buy the soundtrack. I don't feel like Nine has any songs that I want to hum on my way home. But this movie is definitely justified with Penelope Cruz's sex kitten dance. God damn, that's all I have to say. Of course, this film does have the Weinsteins behind it so I can guarantee nominations for Best Picture, Director, Actor for Daniel Day Lewis, Supporting Actress for Penelope Cruz, and all the technical awards no one cares about.

Up in the Air is a fun dramatic comedy from the Director of Juno. My uncontrollable man crush on George Clooney pretty much means I was going to enjoy this movie no matter what. But it is a great movie, dealing with the isolation of modern society, massive economic layoffs, and the quest for more frequent flyer miles. I guess it stars some broad from Twilight, but I won't hold that against the movie. (She was pretty good anyway.) The film has a clever script about the bachelor George Clooney starting to realize he wants more out of his life than he gets as a corporate flyer. It tends to veer into a conventional story line by the end, but I think the film should be a big awards contender. I'm predicting Oscar noms for Best Picture, Director, Actor for Clooney, and an Oscar win for screenplay as a sort of reward for the impressive early career of Jason Reitman.

Overall it has been a weak year for movies. These are all the films made immediately after the writers' strike so that's why so many movies have crap scripts that feel rushed and not fully thought out (I'm looking at you Wolverine and Star Trek). I've heard mixed reviews about The Lovely Bones and I don't think Avatar will be a serious contender for Best Picture, so I am officially calling it right now. Mark my words, Precious will be Best Picture, Best Director for Lee Daniels (this would be the first African American Best Director winner, by the way), Best Supporting Actress for Mo'Nique, and possibly Best Actress for newcomer Gabourey Sibide. You can take that to Las Vegas and bet on it.

-LA