Actors Who Should Disappear – Part 2

Actors Who Should Disappear – Part 2
Langdon Auger

Continuing the basic ideas of my previous post, I want to turn my attention to another cinematic monstrosity.

Bryce Dallas Howard

I get it. Your dad is wildly successful child actor turned film director Ron Howard. But the thing is an Oscar is not hereditary. You have little talent and charisma, yet you keep showing up in the worst possible movies. Let's take a look.

The first major film role you were given was M. Knight Shyamalan's two hour long Twilight Zone retread The Village. You play easily the most unconvincing blind person I have ever seen.

There are scenes where you are running through a field. That must be an amazingly well groomed 16th century ( I mean 21st century, wait no, don't ruin the ending) lawn. There are no potholes, gophers, roots, or minor dips. Same thing when you are running through a forest at the end of the movie. Just because your hands are out in front of you doesn't mean you are immune to the perils of old growth forests.

You followed up that impressive star turn as the wizard-fairy-godmother thing from Lady in the Water. The key to a good career is to hitch yourself to a rising star, not M. Knight Shyamalan. Here you have to jump in the pool but you can't do it because there is a huge black Labrador blocking your way. I'm not sure why - it got boring so I stopped paying attention.

Then you were the scene stealing Gwen Stacy in Spider-man 3. I don't mean scene stealing in the sense that you took the audience's attention. I mean stealing in the sense of Bernie Madoff running away with 50 billion dollars and ruining people's lives. You took any and all charisma out of the movie. I'm even going to blame you for the piano-jazz dance scene, a part of the movie for which you had no responsibility what so ever.

Finally, you showed up in Terminator Salvation in the role originated by Clare Danes. This movie reeked and you were bad in it. It made little to no sense plot wise and the acting was sub-par across the board. It pains me to ridicule Christian Bale and I have to say I am a little worried about Sam Worthington who we will see later in the year in Jim Cameron's Avatar (well, I will at any rate. Brothel readers are free to do as they please). But once again, Bryce Dallas Howard strong arms her way into some heavy handed and purpose-less scenes. I was having a hard enough time sitting through the movie until her ginger face showed up on screen. She just brutalizes her movies and leaves her cast and co stars wallowing in a sea of broken careers and ruined franchises.

To summarize, watching Bryce Dallas Howard act is like watching a poor Ron Howard imitation that I want to have sex with.

In other words, it's very confusing.

-LA