Brief Thoughts on Home Security: An Affordable Alternative for Apartment Dwellers

So you want to protect your home, but don't have the expendable income to afford Brink, ADP, or SafeMart? Perhaps you're only renting an apartment, and could care less if the building facade is vandalized as long as your stuff inside remains safe?

Well look no further than your home computer. Though most of you out there do not have the thirty dollars a month to spare on home security, you don't bat an eye at purchasing the newest MacBook. Believe me, I understand - I'm typing this entry on my new Macintosh OS X. If nothing, I am of the people.

Fortunately, this same technological device that is shunned by Red Staters, and gets you labeled a pretentious screenwriting prick by "haters," doubles as a home security system. How, you ask? Simple. iTunes.

iTunes? Yes, this simple yet effective program will prevent burglary just as sure as the "i" in its name is lowercase.

...But you haven't explained "how?"

I'm getting to it. Listen.

...What?...

That's right, listen. To music. On your iTunes. The harder, the dirtier, the nastier the better. Rough, rugged hip-hop from Hot-lanta, East Bay punk before Green Day ruined it, Speed Metal, 2 Live Crew, early Rancid, Megadeth. Get it?

...No...

Create a playlist of the best of the worst - the stuff that would scare your parents - and just blast it. You don't need a good stereo system; in fact, the worst speakers you blast it out of, the better.

...What will that do beyond annoying my neighbors?

This is your home security system. A burglar walks up to the door and begins picking your lock. Then they here the music inside, and the following thoughts go through their mind:

Is that track six off of Minor Threat's eponymous debut?
I didn't think anyone was home, but who would leave that blaring all day?
Could a disgruntled cousin, recently released from the penitentiary
is staying with them for a time? This is getting risky.

The burglar would have no choice but to then break into your neighbor's apartment instead. Your neighbor's quiet, peaceful, and now empty apartment.

And your stuff will live another day. All because you stumbled upon this article on The Literary Brothel by your friend and ally, Klaus Varley.

In other words, this is your reward for searching "brothel boobie games" at two in the morning.

-KV