Michael Phelps's Text Messages

Michael Phelps said today that he received "like a hundred text messages" after winning the gold in the 400-meter freestyle relay.

Using advanced technology* we here at The Literary Brothel intercepted the first of those text messages, and traced the numbers back to the senders. Yeah, I know, that's some "advanced" technology.

Here they are, in the order received:

"Big ups, Mike. I will buy your suit for one million dollars, as agreed." -Bill 'bad boy' Gates

"My dad wants to send you a text message congratulating you, but he can't figure out how. I'm gonna try to teach him. If not, well, good job, I guess." -Jenna Bush

"Dude, chicks dig gold medals. Let me wear one. Just for a night. I'll let you play my bongos." -Matthew McConaughey

"I JUST LEARNED HOW TO TEXT! WOO WOO!" -yer prez

"Congrats, man, but many medals do you need?" -Greg Louganis

"Did Greg just send you a text about winning too many medals and outshining former Olympians? Just remember, there are many of us, and one of you. And you can't hide in the water forever." -Mary Lou Retton on behalf of herself, Mark Spitz, Carl Lewis, Kerri Strug, and many, many others. We are everywhere.

"Nice strokes kid, but are you ready for the big time? See you in San Diego." -Shamu

"Congrats. Whatever Bill offered you for your suit, I'll double it." -Rupert Murdoch

"What I mean is, congratulations Michael. Your country is proud of you. When you get back to the states, your Uncle George will send over a congratulatory gallon of gas. Lol. Btw, did you know 'congratulatory' was a word? Connie taught me that one today. Anyways, gotta go." -GWB

"Your totally hot. Loves it." -Paris Hilton

Just after the text from Paris our advanced technology ran out of ideas. Oh well. As if Phelps needs more press...

-KV

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*known in some circles as the "imagination" machine