Bukowski On Mickey Rourke

Upon seeing a rough cut of Rourke's performance in the Bukowski authored Barfly, he wrote this to John Martin:

"Rourke did it wondrously. - The eyes, the body, the voice, the spirit, the guts, the inventiveness, the gamble, all that - but never cheating on the reality of of what I meant or what it was, at its best.

Mickey did it. Would only that he had some help from the others.

And not only that, but off camera, Rourke appeared the most human of them all.

I don't understand where all the shit reports come from."

-Charles Bukowski, 1987.

A Description of the Movie Seven Pounds from the Back of a Chinese Bootleg Copy

A Description of the Movie Seven Pounds from the Back of a Chinese Bootleg Copy

From the back of the DVD case: (Caution - SPOILERS - Sort of...)

This is a staff of the Internal Revenue Service, after the death of his wife became very depressed, and through no fault of their own in the past about remorse. Take things too hard, he just decided to commit suicide, but Prior to that, he plans to help the seven strangers, which is a good thing at first and then died. However, when this encounter has a heart of Emily, his ideas began to change. To get along in the process, fell in love with Emily, that life seems to have a new goal, which he plans to commit suicide complicating.

This is all in small, white, Courier font over a picture of Will Smith and Rosario Dawson sitting under a tree.

The DVD sells for one yuan in China (15 cents). For some reason, the Special Features are not accessible.

-TLB

Who is Minnie Grey?

Who is Minnie Grey?

by Klaus Vare Varley

You may have noticed a new addition to The Brothel. Her name is Minnie Grey.

Hadn't noticed? Feast your eyes upon the sidebar on the left, especially those names listed under "Harlots." No, we aren't actual [italicize for emphasis] harlots, we are "literary" harlots. (Consider revising - "harlots" repetitious. -ed.)

Care to guess Minnie's job?

That's right, copy editor.

Ever notice a typo or spelling error on The Brothel? So did Minnie. But instead of creating an anti-Brothel mirror site that blasts the sloppy grammar on a site that calls itself "literary," (TheLiteraryBrothelAin'tThatLiterary.com is one example of such a site. Just kidding - you can't use apostrophes in URL names.) she joined us.

What'sWhat does a copy editor actually do? Like BASF, they don't make many of the things you read, they make many of the things you read better. (Confusing, consider revising. -ed.) (It's not confusing if you remember those old BASF commercials.-KV) (No one remembers those commercials, and this is not how you are supposed to communicate with the editor. -ed.) (My bad. -KV)

In case you don't know what I'm talking about, remember these mysterious commercials from the 90s?



That's In other words, "BASF - just like a copy editor."

Welcome to The Brothel, Minnie!

:)

-KV

(Ambiguous ending, consider revising. -ed.)

Revision:

In other words, "At BASF, we don't make a lot the products you buy, we make a lot of the products you buy, better. Likewise, a copy editor does not make a lot of the content you read, they make a lot of the content you read, better."

Welcome to The Brothel, Minnie.

:-/

Blogging the Oscars with the Sound Off

Blogging the Oscars with the Sound Off

by Langdon Auger

At the request of Klaus I submitted myself to the annual assault on the senses known as the Academy Awards. After the opening song and dance number from Hugh Jackman I decided it would be best to blog with the sound muted, a decision I kept up for the better part of the night.

Now I love Wolverine as much as the next guy, and hell I even have a certain "I’m-not-gay (not that there's anything wrong with it)" affinity for musical theater, but this was just a bit too much. I can’t understand the revolving roster of Oscar hosts. I don’t see that any of them were particularly bad enough to not have back the next year. It’s especially sad when the first presentation was a quintet of Best Supporting Actress Oscar winners featuring former host Whoopi Goldberg. In her thirty second bit she got the loudest laugh of the night from any presenter or host by bringing up her own experiences as a nun when presenting Amy Adams’ performance in Doubt.

Watching the Oscars on mute, I came up with the following insights

-Daniel Craig looks like a badass just standing there next to Sarah Jessica Parker. I can’t tell what he is saying, but I assume it’s something along the line of “James Bond commands you and your whiny quartet of oversexed grandmothers to cease making movies.”

-Twilight douches storm the stage to present some award. How stupid are teenage girls that they think this mopey looking freak is cute. I’m also not down on the high representation of teeny boppers from High School Musical. Maybe if they had nominated movies people cared about for awards that mattered they wouldn’t have to rely on these guys.

-Ben Stiller presents an award with an obnoxious beard and sunglasses, making fun of Joaquin Phoenix. He puts his gum on the podium. What must it feel like to know that every man, woman, and child in America and the better part of the globe is ridiculing you for your pathetic life choices? Not that I’m sympathizing, Phoenix has flipped his wig. At a time when people are being thrown out of work by the thousands this guy is throwing away a promising career and millions of dollars.

-Bill Maher presents the awards for the documentary films. I decide to keep the tv on mute a little bit longer.

-Fincher looks bored when they read his name during the director’s award.

And now, a quick wrap-up on the winners:

- With Penelope Cruz’s Oscar win, can we say that the most attractive woman won the award or not? Because I’m thinking Amy Adams is cuter than Penelope, but Cruz isn’t ugly by any stretch of the imagination.

-Even though it galls me, I am still glad Benjamin Button won awards for basically crap. Makeup, Art Direction, and visual effects. Now I can ignore the film for the rest of my life since the possibility of it achieving something meaningful has passed.

-I am glad Heath Ledger won the Oscar, but I don’t think I am going to let the Academy off the hook for the horrible slight of not nominating The Dark Knight. I want to find someone who will say to my face that The Reader is a better film. I am outraged that they won’t nominate a fantasy film over another holocaust retread.

-Speaking of overlooked, I am also outraged that Wall*E only one won Oscar for best animated film. As much as I loved Dark Knight, Wall*E was the best film of the year. Ben Burtt lost his sound Oscar to Slumdog Millionaire, which was a good movie but I still feel the Pixar film needed more recognition.

-The Reader wins Best Actress. It’s good to see Winslet win, but check out Ron Rosenbaum’s article for slate called “don’t give an oscar to the reader.” It pretty much sums everything up.

-Sean Penn calls the academy “commie homo-loving sons of guns.” Mad props to Spicoli. I liked Rourke. He was great but I thought this one might go Penn’s way. Also Pen had a nice call to arms for gay marriage supporters.

-I am glad Slumdog did so well. In place of Wall*E and The Dark Knight I would gladly accept Danny Boyle’s movie in this position. To hell with all the protests and the usual backlash that comes with a popular movie. Eight Oscars is not a bad take for this small film.

Overall the Oscars were disappointing because of the lackluster movies they nominated. The rest of Hugh Jackman’s musical numbers were fine with the sound turned off, but I’m sure next year we will have someone new. Perhaps Ricky Gervais, or maybe Jon Stewart again. Still, it would be fun to just say screw it, here is a bear with a pink tutu riding a bicycle around.

So now with the Oscars completed its time to wait for summer movie releases. Between Quentin Tarantino, Pixar, and Transformers there should be enough stuff to look forward to (especially a pissed-off- ass-kicking Hugh Jackman, rather than a prancing one).

-LA

Screw the New York Post and Sean Delonas

Yes, this breaks our M-W-F cycle, but screw it - we had to weigh in on this. -KV

Screw the New York Post and Sean Delonas
Klaus Varley

If you are confused by the title of this piece, then you haven't seen the New York Post cartoon from a few days ago, portraying cops with a smoking gun standing over a slain monkey, saying, "They'll have to find someone else to write the next stimulus bill." Okay, here it is:


The Post's editor-in-chief Col Allan defended the cartoon, stating, "The cartoon is a clear parody of a current news event... It broadly mocks Washington's efforts to revive the economy."

How does it mock Washington? By saying the stimulus bill was so easy a monkey could do it?

But that doesn't make sense - as my girlfriend pointed out - because the bill isn't criticized for being simple, it is criticized for spending too much. The bill itself - like most bills - are long and complicated. No monkey could handle it.

Maybe the cartoonist, Sean Delonas, would explain, or apologize, or something, anything...

"Absolutely friggin' ridiculous," was Delonas's response to a CNN reporter. "Do you really think I'm saying Obama should be shot? I didn't see that in the cartoon."

Oh you didn't see that in the cartoon? Well, let me help you see it, Sean.

Most reports on Delonas's cartoon leave out that on the page PRIOR to the cartoon is an enormous picture of Obama signing the stimulus bill, followed by an article about the stimulus. Literally, you flip the page and there is a cartoon of a dead monkey, shot by cops who claim he authored the stimulus bill.

Of course, no one person authored the 1000+ page bill, but DID I MENTION A PAGE BEFORE THIS IS A HUGE PICTURE OF OBAMA SIGNING THE BILL?

Too much of a stretch you say? You don't have to be a Civil Rights leader to know that black people have historically been compared with primates not only to help justify 400 years of racial slavery that ended less than 150 years ago, but also the mass lynchings that continued through the Jim Crow Era through the Civil Rights movement.

Sure, you don't hear the comparison much anymore, because it's EXTREMELY IGNORANT and OFFENSIVE.

This may seem a little one sided, so lets think about this for a moment - is there any way the cartoon can be seen as humorous and not racist?

If the cartoon is parody, what is it parodying, the shooting of the chimp?

If it is saying that politicians in Washington who created the bill are comparable to a single monkey, well, that's just confusing. Like we said, the bill is not simple, so the monkey analogy doesn't work.

No, this is actually just a stupid, racist cartoon by people who do not understand racism, history, or humor.

Sorry for shouting.

-KV

ps. Others have pointed out that the cartoon is also offensive because the NYPD are known for slaying unarmed black men (most publically of Amadou Diallo in 1999 and most recently of Sean Bell on his wedding day). But that argument only works if you consider the slain monkey a representation of Obama, and if you have any outrage left after realizing that the New York Post would racistly portray our President as a monkey murdered by cops.

Fincher digs himself in deep + Oliver Stone's Ass

Fincher digs himself in deep + Oliver Stone's Ass
Langdon Auger

Yesterday morning I worked at a "Meet The Nominees" event for feature film directors. This mainly consisted of me showing up an hour late because my alarm clock didn’t go off and then standing around trying to keep people from jumping the velvet ropes into the good seats.

“No, you see, you have a green ticket. This means you have to sit over there next to the crying baby and the crack addict.”

“Oh, beige ticket? Right this way sir. Here, let me push these plebeians aside for you.”

An exciting morning altogether. I got to see the nominees; Danny Boyle, Ron Howard, Gus Van Sant, Christopher Nolan, and David Fincher. In addition to them, I saw Gus Van Sant’s parents and the president of the Directors Guild Michael Apted (coming soon to a Narnia movie near you). I said “hello” to him and he said “hello” back. It was awesome.

Then they took me out of the theater and I got to eat the really nice breakfast all the nominees enjoyed. When I went back in to listen to The Dark Knight director, I had to suffer through more drivel from David Fincher about Benjamin Button. I have heard him talk about it twice and I am now convinced he doesn’t care for the movie at all. He just made it because it was next on his list.

But I was standing in the back waiting for a seat to open up when lo and behold, the man sitting directly in front of me who got up to leave was Oliver Stone himself. As he left the theater, I stole his seat and enjoyed a few minutes of his ass warmth.

As fun as this was, all of this excitement brings up more questions than answers:

Why didn't my alarm go off?

Why are class struggles so prominent in a celebration for a labor union?

What is David Fincher's problem?

Is it creepy that I am excited about sharing the ass warmth of a celebrity?

Does Oliver Stone count as a celebrity?

Yes, I believe he does.

-LA

25 Random Things About Me / I Cannot Say No to Facebook

Hey, it's Charlie. Not sure why this is going up. This post is about a month late, and I swear I saw a similar post on a friend of The Brothel's blog. (FOTBB) - CL

Hey, it's Klaus. The post is going up because some people would rather write snippy editor's notes instead of actual posts. -KV

25 Random Things About Me / I Cannot Say No to Facebook

You Facebook users know what I'm talking about. This is that damn chain-posting going around like a bad forwarded email from college freshmen.

Wasn't going to do one until I was "tagged" in one of them. And then we ran low on article ideas for The Brothel.

Here's how my Facebook friend prefaced her list:

I don't like doing these things but I do like reading them. And I'm feeling chatty and eager to please this morning. Still, I remain deeply suspicious that this is just data collection for an anthropology or media studies dissertation.

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

And here's what came to me in a moment of inspiration/desperation. Obviously nobody gets "tagged" here in The Brothel. (Or do they? You're it!)

Okay fine, 25 random things (or so) about me, Klaus V.

1. I do not like randomness.
2. But I like David Lynch films.
3. Because I like movies about beautiful naked women shot in a cinematic way.
4. I added "shot in a cinematic way" so I wouldn't get in trouble with my girlfriend.
5. I have a girlfriend.
6. Now that I think about it, I only really like Mulholland Dr.
7. I change my mind a lot.
8. David Lynch films should be called David Lynch's confusing-ass naked women movies.
9. I tire quickly of talking about David Lynch.
10. I like cats.
11. I like San Diego.
12. Wine tastes good.
13. I am looking at an empty glass.
14. I will be right back.
15. (I am not here)
16. I am back.
17. I am perpetually surprised at how good Charles Shaw tastes.
18. I am talking about the wine.
19. I get homophobic after drinking wine.
20. I am not going to explain that joke.
21. I sometimes talk in the third person.
22. I warned you.
23. Klaus likes cats, but not when they try to get on your lap when you are trying to type.
24. Klaus is careful not to spill his wine while he types and shoos cats.
25. Klaus likes getting to the end of lists so he can go back to important things, like surfing the internet.
77 - is Klaus's favorite number, so he's going to end on it. And because we skipped 15, this is technically 25. I mean, 77.

One last thing: Facebook phenomenons rule.

And by "rule," I mean, suck.

And by "Facebook," I mean "Most movies by David Lynch."

-KV

Anne Lamott on Writing

"The very first thing I tell my new students on the first day of a workshop is that good writing is about telling the truth. We are a species that needs and wants to understand who we are. Sheep lice do not seem to share this longing, which is one reason they write so very little."

-Anne Lamott, from Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

Wil Wheaton Poll Results

A little while back we posted this poll:

Did you know Wil Wheaton before we mentioned him on this site?

1. Wesley Crusher, of course!
2. Gordie from Stand by Me, of course!
3. Yes.
4. No.

The results? A tie! 50% of respondents knew Wheaton as Wesley Crusher, and 50% did not know him at all.

Not know him at all? I've got two words for ya: Toy Soldiers.

What? Never heard of it? Were you even in your awkward adolescent stage in the late 80's or early 90's?

No? Well, that explains something...

-TLB

The Top 10 Most Read Posts in January 2009

The Top 10 Most Read Posts in January 2009

As you know, here at The Literary Brothel everything is a popularity contest. Not wanting to break from the spirit of the site, below are the ten most read posts in January of 2009.

Well, these are the posts that got the mosts visits - we're just assuming they were read. Perhaps "top ten posts looked at for more than a second," would be more accurate. Perhaps if you didn't read them fully, now is your chance to check them out. Perhaps we're finished with this parenthetical introduction and are moving on to the posts.

January's Ten Most Popular Pieces (followed by a brief hypothosis serving as a half-assed explanation of the popularity of the piece)

In order of popularity

1. The Great Vodka Taste Test of 2008 - You can't imagine how many people search for "Stolichnaya Brothel" on a daily basis. Unless you can imagine ten people.

2. Movie Review: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (No Spoilers) - Apparently Langdon's review is one of the few that points out the absurdity of Hurricane Katrina in this otherwise believable epic masterpiece.

3. Boobie Games vs. Boobbie Games - No idea why this musing on keywords would land people on our site. All right, we have some idea, but we still don't know what a "boobie game" is. Seriously.

4. Charles Bukowski Quote: Being Old and Writing - People love Bukowski quotes. LOVE them.

5. Bukowski Quotes vs. Charles Bukowski Quotes - See #4.

6. Ten Reasons Why Michael Phelps is an Asshole - There are still folks out there who want the Olympic champ to be a d-bag underneath all that gold. Lots of folks.

7. Grammar vs. Grammer: Confusing Words Part I - Until our educational system gets better, this post will continue to get hits.

8. Oscar Predictions: Updated! - Langdon's second piece also garnered bunch of traffic. And his pics weren't too far off, either...or were they? (No, they weren't, but that question is our way of saying, "hey, check out his pics and see for yourself." In case you missed it.)

9. The Literary Brothel is Alive! - As it is our introductary post, this SHOULD get a lot of hits. You've read it, right? Right?!?

10. Jack in the B-Fish: A New Controversial Logo - See, there IS something mysterious going on with that Jack in the Box logo. We're not the only ones who spot conspiracy when they see something...fishy?

You knew that was coming.

C'mon.

-TLB

The Curious Case of Forrest Gump

Note: This does not officially count as a post - the "official" posts will be on Tuesday and Thursday of this week. See ya tomorrow. -KV


After seeing The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, we here at The Brothel not only whole-heartedly agree with Langdon's review, but also thought it was basically Forrest Gump without the laughs. Apparently, we weren't the only ones:

The Curious Case of Forrest Gump

Editor's Note: Before you could say "copyright infringement," the video was taken down. Did ya see it? Hope so. It was worth all the legal troubles.

-TLB

Charles Bukowski on Drinking

"It might kill you, they say, we love you. But they don't figure it might kill me a thousand different ways to remain sober and drink tea. ah ah ah well."

-Charles Bukowski, 1972

Best Things About LA: A Video Store Named Desire

Part of the "Best Things About LA" series started by this piece on WestSubs. Mmmm, WestSubs. -KV

The Best Things About LA: A Video Store Named Desire

A Video Store Named Desire

11631 Santa Monica Blvd

Los Angeles, CA 90025

A friend of mine recently went to "Desire" for the first time upon my recommendation. Below is more or LESS the conversation that took place (and will suffice until a real article on the store is written by someone with "literary prowess," whatever that is).

Key:
K = Klaus (Me)
Z = Zach (Friend)

K: How was Desire?
Z: It's kind of a shit-storm in there.
K: But there's that wall of New Releases?
Z: Yeah, but that place it tiny.
K: They have everything though.
Z: But you can't find it.
K: Did you talk to Mike? You just gotta ask him.
Z: Is that the Asian dude with the white T-shirt?
K: Yeah.
Z: He was arguing with a customer about some movie I'd never heard of.
K: Yeah, he's honest though. If you're about to rent a movie and you ask him if he likes it, he might say, "No, but some customers do."
Z: Nice.
K: And it's cool that there's a place you can just BS about movies. It's like a barber shop or something; everyone throws in their opinion.
Z: I guess. But it's still a shit-storm.
[Pause]
K: But you can't beat the price.
Z: Holy crap, I know. Who rents DVDs for a buck-o-seven man?
K: Desire man, Desire.

---

If you're going to Desire, park on the meters behind the store, or across the street on Federal or Barry. Tell 'em Klaus sent you, and get your movies for a dollar-o-seven a rental (1 day for New Releases, 6 days for older flicks. All one dollar and seven cents. For now.). Alright, you don't have to mention my name, that's their normal price.

Oh you knew that? Sweet, ain't it?

See you at Desire.

-KV

The Michael Phelps Bong Controversy: An Article Review

The Michael Phelps Bong Controversy: An Article Review
by Klaus Varley

Because we covered a bit of Phelps during the 2008 Olympics, we find it only fair to drop in on Sports Illustrated Athlete of the Year and see what's cookin' in his world these days.

[An intense scouring of Google News reveals...]

Oh my. It appears the Beijing Golden Boy (BGB) has stepped into another scandal. Phelps apparently was caught on film taking a hit from a bong with a substance that could be marijuana. He immediately apologized for it so this should quickly fade...

Unless the media blows things out of proportion. But they wouldn't do that.

Oh, look, a few (thousand) articles. Here's a sampling of the best, the worst, and the most useful pieces on the latest Phelps folly.

Best Article on the Michael Phelps Bong Controversy

"Big Bong Theory"
by Sally Jenkins
Washington Post, Feb. 3rd, 2009.

Jenkins balances her intimate knowledge of athletes (she has written 8 books - yes, 8 - on the subject) with an air of levity that make us here at The Brothel tip our hat. Ah, so that's how you do it. Well done, madam, well done.

Worst Article on the Michael Phelps Bong Controversy

"Killion: Youth doesn't explain away Phelps's misdeed"
by Ann Killion
San Jose Mercury News, Feb. 2nd, 2009

A superficial analysis of the line of Phelps's public apology statement, "I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way." Killion uses a few notable lines herself. Notably:

"I am not the pot police." I don't know, that sounds like Narc talk to me.

"Insert your own joke here." I'm a columnist who is not familiar with marijuana lingo and so I dare not attempt a joke about it.

"He's not some stoner kid, lounging on the couch, pondering why Homer Simpson is such a great actor." Because "stoners" mistake cartoons for real people.

Actually, they don't. Marijuana isn't a psychedelic, it's a psychoactive, and while those words sound similar, their different definitions mean that stoners wouldn't ponder Homer Simpson's acting ability, but his impact on global youth culture and musical trends since the 1990s, finding connections where there aren't any, and feeling profound while sounding idiotic. That's what I heard, anyway. (Now I'm stealing from Sally Jenkins. Sorry, Sally!)

"Insert your own joke here." Parker pointed out that perhaps she wrote this thinking she would have time to go back and put a joke in, but then it was rushed to press. I somehow doubt that.

Most Useful Article on the Michael Phelps Bong Controversy

Michael Phelps's High-Performance Bong
by Cliff Kuang
Fast Company, Feb. 3rd, 2009

Apparently, it's a ROOR. What's a ROOR?

"Michael Phelps is a fierce competitor, always searching for an edge. Last summer, it was his swimsuit. This winter, it's his bong. And not just any bong...he's using a ROOR, an expensive, high-end product that some people believe is the best performing bong on the market."

Nice work, Cliff. That's what we call "journalism."

Two important questions not being asked in the above articles:

1. Who records people at parties then sells them to British newspapers? Someone needs an ass-whoopin'.

2. Phelps is a role model, apparently in part because he helps sells cereal, fast food, and Speedos to kids. (Kellogg, McDonald's, and er, Speedo) The question being asked is: now that he has been caught imitating Warren G, should he still appear on cereal boxes, happy meals, and, er, Speedos?

Answer: Shouldn't we be asking if it's good for advertisers to target children in the first place?

And...

Have you ever looked at a box of Trix?

Have you ever looked at a box of Trix...on weed?

(That last joke is from a movie called Half Baked, in case you missed it, Ann.)

-KV

The Literary Brothel vs. The Poetry Brothel

You will never see me write these words again, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't read them and do exactly what they say: Check out this article from The Star:

Ode to a whore at a smart literary brothel

Don't worry, it's work safe.

Ah, it is actually a "Poetry Brothel" in New York City; only the title calls it a "literary brothel," so it looks like we won't have to issue our usual (as in, never issued) "Cease and Desist" order.

Yet the poorly written article unintentionally raises some interesting questions:

1. If the Poetry Brothel is a "smart" literary brothel, what is a "dumb" literary brothel?

2. How are these "students" recruited? At the end of a lecture does "The Professor" casually drop the line, "Oh yeah, and if you're a good looking girl and want to paid to read poetry while partially naked, see me after class. Free verse also allowed."

3. Who is this professor and are there similar professors on the West Coast?

4. Where is the conservative outrage? "College Kids Use Education To Work At Brothels." Oh the outrage, oh the disgrace. Oh yeah, it'll have to wait until after conservatives tire of patronizing the place.

5. Why have we not been invited to do an expose "The Literary Brothel ON a Literary Brothel?" We've got correspondents in New York. Hit us up, Zipper Room Poetry Brothel.

Seriously.

-KV