Actors Who Should Disappear – Part 2

Actors Who Should Disappear – Part 2
Langdon Auger

Continuing the basic ideas of my previous post, I want to turn my attention to another cinematic monstrosity.

Bryce Dallas Howard

I get it. Your dad is wildly successful child actor turned film director Ron Howard. But the thing is an Oscar is not hereditary. You have little talent and charisma, yet you keep showing up in the worst possible movies. Let's take a look.

The first major film role you were given was M. Knight Shyamalan's two hour long Twilight Zone retread The Village. You play easily the most unconvincing blind person I have ever seen.

There are scenes where you are running through a field. That must be an amazingly well groomed 16th century ( I mean 21st century, wait no, don't ruin the ending) lawn. There are no potholes, gophers, roots, or minor dips. Same thing when you are running through a forest at the end of the movie. Just because your hands are out in front of you doesn't mean you are immune to the perils of old growth forests.

You followed up that impressive star turn as the wizard-fairy-godmother thing from Lady in the Water. The key to a good career is to hitch yourself to a rising star, not M. Knight Shyamalan. Here you have to jump in the pool but you can't do it because there is a huge black Labrador blocking your way. I'm not sure why - it got boring so I stopped paying attention.

Then you were the scene stealing Gwen Stacy in Spider-man 3. I don't mean scene stealing in the sense that you took the audience's attention. I mean stealing in the sense of Bernie Madoff running away with 50 billion dollars and ruining people's lives. You took any and all charisma out of the movie. I'm even going to blame you for the piano-jazz dance scene, a part of the movie for which you had no responsibility what so ever.

Finally, you showed up in Terminator Salvation in the role originated by Clare Danes. This movie reeked and you were bad in it. It made little to no sense plot wise and the acting was sub-par across the board. It pains me to ridicule Christian Bale and I have to say I am a little worried about Sam Worthington who we will see later in the year in Jim Cameron's Avatar (well, I will at any rate. Brothel readers are free to do as they please). But once again, Bryce Dallas Howard strong arms her way into some heavy handed and purpose-less scenes. I was having a hard enough time sitting through the movie until her ginger face showed up on screen. She just brutalizes her movies and leaves her cast and co stars wallowing in a sea of broken careers and ruined franchises.

To summarize, watching Bryce Dallas Howard act is like watching a poor Ron Howard imitation that I want to have sex with.

In other words, it's very confusing.

-LA

Don't Call it a Comeback: The Janns Steps Incident

Don't Call it a Comeback: The Janns Steps Incident
Klaus Varley

Every day I climb an enormous, very public, very wide set of stairs on my way to my office at school. You know the stairs. They're the stairs Will Ferrell and Co. climbed in Old School. They're the ones Eddie Murphy ran up in The Nutty Professor. They're the ones that tour guides of the school refer to as "the steps Will Ferrell and Co. climbed in Old School and Eddie Murphy ran up in The Nutty Professor." That's right: Janns Steps.

Yep, that's how you spell it.

Before I begin, it's important for you to understand that at school there is a week-long period between Spring and Summer Quarter when campus is nearly empty and nary an undergrad is to be found. Some call this "the interim." Others, "paradise."

On one of these days during paradise, I slogged my way up the hill, headphones on, wondering why I took this route. Before I got to the top, I spotted a strange shape on the horizon - a Naval officer in full dress uniform. And next to him was a guy in his 30s in a polo shirt.

"Interesting," I thought, and also, "how many more stairs to the top?"

Suddenly, both figures frantically waved their arms as if I'd just stepped into a "no-fly zone." The non-military man hustled down the stairs in my direction, still waving his arms. I turned my head, glancing behind me - there were a few scattered people far off in the quad, but I was the only one on the stairs. I ripped off my headphones and addressed the polo-clad lad.

"Are you talking to me?" I asked, genuinely confused and not wanting them to send Maverick after me.

"No, I don't even know you, why would I be talking to you?" barked the poorly dressed fat man, plodding down the steps. Apparently the people they wanted were the idiotic ones in the quad who couldn't locate the largest, most famous area of campus without a Major and his majorly retarded friend flagging them down.

As you may have guessed from the fair and balanced description above, I was upset. But because of the rapidity of the exchange, I did not get a chance to respond. We were moving in opposite directions - a few steps later I was at the top of the stairs, and he was nearing the bottom. No time for a comeback; the moment had passed.

Yet, due to the wonders of the internet, I now have a chance to respond. Here are some possible comebacks to "No, I don't even know you, why would I be talking to you?" that I couldn't pull out of my hat in the moment.

"Is this a test?"

"I don't see anyone else around, you must be talking to me."

"Annnnngry."

"What? Oh, I'm not talking to you, I'm doing my impression from Taxi Driver."

"I can give you one golden reason you'd be talking to me, and it rhymes with "Crocolate Factory."

"My mom always says that exact same thing."

There we go. Given a moment or two, I could have been the king of Janns Steps. Next time I'll be ready.

What would you have said? Feel free to leave your comebacks in the comments section, but remember: you just took off your headset to politely ask if you were in the way, to which an angry, bitter man responded: "No, I don't even know you, why would I be talking to you?"

Go ahead. Bring your comeback. Do it before the moment passes.

Seriously.

-KV

Five things Twitter is Good For

Five Things Twitter is Good For
Klaus Varley

Note: this piece was written in June of 2009. If you are reading this and Twitter is obsolete - like, say, it's July 2009 - please feel free to change the title (in your mind) to Five Things Twitter WAS Good For. Thanks! - KV

1. Starting a revolution in Iran.

2. Meeting shy exhibitionists.

3. Tracking celebrities (like Shaq). Hearing about their surprisingly boring lives, and their less surprising lack of insight on it.

4. Reading about people who run and tweet at the same time (like anotorias) while you sit on your ass and surf the web.

5. Seriously, it might actually good for people with the same interests in things (food, movies, Iranian politics...) as long as the tweets stay on topic.

I can't believe I used "tweets" non-ironically in a sentence.

Or can I?

Hit me up on Twitter to find out!

http://twitter.com/KlausVarley

-KV

Bukowski on Gardening

"I dig in the old garden a bit now and then. The neighbors like it when they see me doing that. A man working in his garden is not a dangerous man (they think). They've heard some wild screaming nights over here when I've gone mad on wine and run about the house naked, up and down the stairs, falling, cursing and all that. They prefer me in the garden."

-Charles Bukowski
April, 1979

Humor Explained: Palin vs. Letterman

Humor Explained: Sarah Palin vs. David Letterman
Klaus Varley

By the time you read this, the whole "Sarah Palin vs. David Letterman" debacle may be old news. Here at The Brothel we regularly deal in old news, so it doesn't faze us.

To catch you up, below Letterman reads the jokes, the prepared statements from Governor Palin and her husband Todd, and responds to them. Check it out.



There are a lot of humor going on in Letterman's explanation, but we'll concentrate on the two jokes that got Letterman into hot water.

"Sarah Palin was in town this week. The hardest part of the trip was keeping Eliot Spitzer away from her daughter."

When Letterman quips, "I'm surprised we haven't heard from Eliot Spitzer..." he seems to be explaining who should be offended by the joke. That joke only works because the former governor of New York is known for his involvement with a prostitution ring (sting? both?). As in, "You're in New York, a town known for Spitzer's activities, watch out."

But the joke does mention her daughter, so can the Palins be outraged by it? Can they say Letterman promotes the "rape of underage girls?"

Absolutely not. In fact, this joke does the completed opposite. As The Young Turks point out, the punchline condemns someone who would lurch after a governor's daughter, by associating such activity with a man known for his penchant for high-end prostitutes.

The first joke was obviously harmless. Let's address the other joke:

"Sarah Palin went a Yankees game yesterday. There was one awkward moment during the seventh-inning stretch: her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez."

What Letterman conveniently omits from his explanation is that Palin didn't go to the Yankee's game with her older daughter Bristol, but with her 14-year old daughter, Willow.

This is probably why Letterman clarifies the joke was "about her 18-year old daughter." Could this be true even though Palin was at the game with Willow?* Sure. It's entirely possible Letterman's staff didn't research which kid was at the game with Palin. Or as Sam Kinison once said after being attacked for his work, "Sorry, apparently I've been telling medically innacuate jokes. Because when I went to medical school, to write fucking jokes..."

But it doesn't matter, because the humorous part of Letterman's joke is its absurdity: it's impossible for a player to knock someone up during the seventh-inning stretch, let alone the daughter of a celebrity governor. Ha, that's crazy talk! And crazy things make us laugh.**

So if the act is impossible, how does the joke advocate raping underage girls?

First, Palin's statement is misleading when she says "rape." She should say "committing statutory rape" because she assumes that Rodriguez - if he were able to perform the impossible task of leaving the game, taking off his uniform, meeting up with Palin's daughter - would have to force himself upon the daughter. That too, seems unlikely. C'mon, it's A-Rod."

Second, the joke advocates no such thing. Palin's claim is absurd.

But not in a humorous way.

-KV

----
* Who knew the name "Willow" could be used so many times in a post not about the 1988 movie staring Val Kilmer.

**Two more things that make the joke funny:

1. We know that Sarah Palin has a daughter who was impregnated, and though Governor Palin touts "family values" and "abstinance only" education, it's hard not to see the irony in the situation...and joke about it.

2. Alex Rodriguez is good looking and has a propensity to sleep with women. Did I say "good looking?" I mean, "he's alright."

A Letter from Gambit to his Fans

A Letter from Gambit to his Fans
Langdon Auger

Bonjour,

Hello. It's me, Gambit, the Cajun mutant from the popular comic book series X-Men and I'm here to ask you to please stop requesting your favorite characters in movies.

For three X-Men movies you guys sent in loads of letters to Fox asking for me, and they finally broke down and gave me a worthless role in the recent film Wolverine. Are you happy now? You got a weak, half formed character to mollify the most vocal of online critics without having the character anchored in any meaningful way to the storyline. I literally could have been any character in the Marvel universe. You asked for me, they gave me to you, and now I have been wasted. You won't be seeing me anymore. I won't be in any sequels and it would be awkward to give me my own movie (Just ask that Deadpool guy).

Remember when you guys did this with Venom in the third Spider-Man movie? The same thing happened. Cool villain given fifteen minutes of screen time then criminally wasted because some suits don't understand that a character is only interesting when they are put into the context of a plot where their turmoil is interesting and relevant to the story at hand.

All the people who make movies want to make money, and all of the fan boys blustering for their favorite characters convince them they need to throw as many characters into a movie as they can. Wouldn't you rather have a Venom/ Gambit/ Mr. Freeze/ Poison Ivy/ Bane/ Silver Surfer/ Juggernaut/ Dark Phoenix/ Kitty Pryde/ Colossus/ Blob/ Deadpool/ White Queen/ Sandman character that you could care about? Is it really so important to see your favorite character in a movie that you want them to be thrown into a lousy ensemble cast with little to no background or relevance?

Please, stop asking for your favorite characters. I am asking you this favor on behalf of all of us neglected super heroes who were thrown to the wolves on lousy sequels, and on behalf of whatever villain is being lined up for the next Batman installment. Just because you like me, and I do thank my fans for making me a successful character, doesn't mean I should be in every movie.

Cordialement,

Gambit

How Arm & Hammer Got into the Toothpaste Business

How Arm & Hammer Got into the Toothpaste Business
by Klaus Varley

Here's a conversation overheard at a board meeting back in the 1990s or whenever the Arm & Hammer empire expanded from baking soda into toothpaste. (If you think I'm going to do research for a fictional piece like this one, you're living in a fantasy world, and it's not the Shire, because THAT fantasy world is full of Hobits who LOVE to look things up in imaginary books. ... .. . I've gone off topic, somehow.) -KV

The head of A&H sat behind his large desk. In front of him, a junior executive nervously pitched his new idea. The room was clean, and smelled fresher than kitty liter. Barely.

"So what you're saying is, people are brushing their teeth with the baking soda?"
"Because of the bubbles."
"The bubbles?"
"The bubbles! Of course."
"Do you know what this means?"
"I'm going to be honest. I have no idea."
"We can get into the toothpaste business."

There was a pause.

"Get the hell out of my office."
"Sir, listen for one second."

The boss hit a button on his desk.

"Security, there's a crazy man in my office."

They sat in silence for a moment, before...

"Did you really call security?"
"No, but most people leave when I press this button. Because it's big."
"I'm not crazy, sir."
"You want us to make toothpaste?"
"Yes."
"Arm & Hammer toothpaste?"
"Yes."
"We make baking soda."
"Correct, but a recent survey showed that though most consumers don't know what baking soda is, a growing number are putting it on their toothpaste."

He handed a file across the desk. The man looked it over. Fast. Then slammed his hand down

"Why didn't you say so! They want bubbles? We'll give them bubbles."

And thus, Arm & Hammer toothpaste was born.

With bubbles.

-KV

Bukowski on Short Stories

"I think the best idea is to write them the way you want to write them, then look for a market. the deliberate slant automatically takes the juice out."

-Charles Bukowski to A. D. Winans
November 2, 1976

Two Actors Who Should Disappear

Two Actors Who Should Disappear
Langdon Auger

Though there's plenty to be disgusted with in Wolverine, after watching the movie I found the most disgust in the continuing careers of two actors: Liev Schreiber and Ryan Reynolds.

Here is brief note to both actors, a plea to stop acting, for the good of all of us.

Liev Schrieber (Sabretooth)

Please stop working. Every movie you are in just grinds to a halt as we have to work our way around your awkward screen presence.

Maybe it would be alright except you have an uncanny knack for choosing the worst parts in the worst scripts. Let us review shall we? Scream you were in for a few seconds and that was enough. Scream 2 turned you into a full fledged character hell-bent on cashing in on your wrongful imprisonment. Guess which movie was worse? That wasn't a coincidence.

I guess The Manchurian Candidate was good even with you, but you turned around and did another remake with The Omen. How did that work out for you? Good reboot to a classic horror franchise? Yea that’s what I thought. Crap.

Then for a long time you did absolutely nothing of importance until this year’s holocaust themed Defiance. Apparently, this schlocky, overdone Jews-fight-back story was just right for your acting talent. We got a professional and not-at-all-laughable polish accent and saw you steal crucial screen time from Daniel Craig. And a dumb ending too. I like holocaust films that make me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

And then there was Wolverine: Origins, in which you were soundly out-acted by WWE star Tyler Mane from the first movie. Apparently you were angry at Wolverine for leaving you and you wanted to kill him to get back at him. That makes sense in crazy-ville. And how ridiculous is it to watch two invincible people hack at each other for an hour and half?

Ryan Reynolds (Deadpool)

National Lampoon's Van Wilder is an OK stand in for the poor soul who goes to the video store and can't get Animal House because it has been rented out by the same damn fraternity every weekend for the past 12 years. Yet I have a particular animosity for college and high school movies that end with an academic triathlon as a requirement for graduating. (You know, as opposed to the years of hard work and study.)

Blade III was interesting. I assume you were supposed to be the wise cracking side kick to Blade and the IPod spokes model Jessica Biel, but all of your wisecracks were incomprehensible swear words and inappropriate sexual comments.

Then you bounced around Hollywood as a bargain basement Matthew McConaughey before you wound up raping my eyes in the newest Wolverine movie. You show up on screen for five minutes, again make some wisecracks that aren't all that wise, and then flip your swords around. You bore me, your character sucked, and the concept of giving him a spin off movie based on a fleeting bit of screen time is offensive.

These guys mercilessly murder every film they are in. And you want to know the worst part about them? Take a look at their wives...

Bastards.

-LA

Don't Be Racist - by Klaus Varley

Don't Be Racist

(or "How to not become a racist while living in a country founded on racism and some might argue continues to have a system of institutionalized racism discriminating against the "other" while normalizing whiteness")

by Klaus Varley

In a diverse society (such as, oh, let's say a city called "Los Angeles") there are many strategies to avoid becoming racist, but I'm only going to touch on one: have many friends of different races.*

If you have a racially diverse group of friends, then when you see someone who is the same race as one of your friends, you might think, "Oh look, is that my friend? Oh, it's not, but they're probably just as nice."* Then you'll treat that person as you would your friend.

Like the other day. I saw someone who looked like my friend Jon and thought, "Oh look, is that Jon? No, it's another Vietnamese guy who dresses like Jon. I wonder if he owes me money like Jon. Man, I hate Jon. And Vietnamese posers who dress like him. And Vietnam."

Perhaps that's a bad example. Reverse the sentiment and you get the idea.

And you might want to make better friends than Jon.

He sucks.

Just like Vietnam.***

-KV


---
*This is not WHY you should have many friends of different races, it is merely an advantage to choosing your friends based on their personality rather than however the hell fraternities and sororities choose their members and end up with all white clubs at colleges that are 50% Asian.

**It's a little racist to think that people of different races look similar. Or it means you have bad eye sight.

*** Not true, not true! Everyone I know who has visited or lived in Vietnam LOVES it.

Bukowski on 98% of Movies

"...millions of dollars spent to create something more terrible than the actual lives of most living things; one should never have to pay an admission to hell."

-Charles Bukowski, 1992

The Best TED Talks - Elizabeth Gilbert on Writing, Genius, and Creativity

To the writers, artists, and curiously creative:

You're nineteen minutes from inspiration. If you don't have time today, watch it this weekend. It's worth it. Seriously. -Klaus

1000 Pages a Day - 3

This post is the third part of an ongoing series. Here's the previos post which links to the first post about this. Confused? Good. -KV

ALTERNATE INTRODUCTION to 1000 Pages a Day

I sat down with a friend of mine the other day and told him this joke.

"What comes before every racist joke?"

I glanced over my left shoulder, then my right.

"What?" he asked.

"That's it. The looking around to make sure you don't offend anyone."

"Oh," was his response.

"Yeah," was mine.

It's exactly the same when talking about graduate school. Want to tell a fellow graduate student a juicy rumor about a professor? Check your shoulders. No professors? What about other graduate students who may or may not revere the professor because they are either complete history dorks or complete scheming politically minded history dorks? Especially be on the lookout for the latter.

If the coast is clear, then plow away.

For now, the coast is clear. Let's get started.

(To be continued...)

-KV

Misunderstandings with film, television and spirits:

Misunderstandings with film, television and spirits
Horace Worblehat

On Woody Allen Films Woody Allen films annoy me (even though they're good): Why? Why would I say anything bad about Woody Allen films ever? Why for god sakes? It’s because sometimes they make me feel stupid. There I said it. I have to stop pretending and just admit I don’t know half the references. Have your conversations about Freud Woody Allen and live your upper class Manhattan life you smarmy bastard, I’m going to read OK! Magazine and eat a tube of meat.

On Meade Meade got hyped up to me so much when I was a child. Whether it is from renaissance fairs, television or celebrities, I have been inundated with pro-Meade propaganda my entire life. Yet when I try Meade myself it was so disappointing. How can something that is both honey and wine be bad? I just don’t understand. Kids, stay off the Meade, say no to goblets.

On Road House and Point Break Apparently cleaning up a roughneck bar means murdering half the town. Also being an FBI agent who plays by his own set of rules may in fact garner results.

On the original Star Trek series The original Star trek series is lauded about a bit too much. Watch the first three episodes and you will see Spock speak into a post it note, Ohura sings for no reason in what appears to be a staff lounge, and George Takai as Sulu running around shirtless with a fencing sword and having the following strange conversation with his shipmate:

SULU: Don't know if it's this planet or what happened with Joe. I'm sweating like a bridegroom.


RILEY: Yeah, me too.


SULU: Hey, why don't you come down to the gym with me, Kevin m'lad?


RILEY: Now?


SULU: Why not? Light workout will take the edge off.


RILEY: Sulu, what about. Hey, Sulu, don't be a fool!

Bridgegroom? Gym? Light workout? M'lad? Why George Takai? Why?

On Daytime television I tried to watch Ellen because it won an Emmy and I could not watch an entire episode due to the following reasons; too much dancing, she is too nice, and homosexuals have tar not blood that run through their veins for the devil has crafted their sinful bodies as portals to hell. Scratch the last part and replace it with 'the pictures of cute animals she shows I can get online anyway.'

Seriously.

-HW