Who's emailing my girlfriend

Who's Emailing My Girlfriend
by Klaus Varley

Of all the Google searches that landed on The Literary Brothel this past week, "Who's emailing my girlfriend" has to be one of the strangest.

Did the desperate guy (or desperate lesbian) who wrote it really think Google had the answer? "I hope there is a website that keeps track of all the people who email my girlfriend..."

Even if a website like that existed, wouldn't you have to at least include your girlfriend's name in the search? Or does the searcher believe Google has ALL the answers, including who YOU are, who your girlfriend is, and who is emailing her?

First off, if Google DID have that information, they would never, ever tell you. They would always play dumb. In fact, your searches would look much the same as they do today.

Second, if Google decided to use its limitless power (side note: we love you, Google), it would still refuse to give you that information. Google, in its infinite wisdom, would know that you are not only undeserving to find out who is emailing your girlfriend, but are undeserving of your girlfriend. Period. After all, it's not a great sign when you go behind your girlfriend's back to find out what's in her Inbox.

Google would know all this, and thus would not give you the answer. Google cares. And so, Google ignores.

I can't speak for Google, but here's some advice from your friends at The Literary Brothel: if you want to know who's emailing your girlfriend, ask her. If she won't tell you, don't ask Google, just get out of the relationship.

On the other hand, do you REALLY want to know who's emailing your girlfriend? Isn't it more important whom she's emailing? Then you can memorize anything that she writes to a guy that sounds remotely flirtatious, and throw it back in her face during your next argument. What if there isn't a next argument? In your relationship? C'mon...

The lesson is: next time, ask Google the right question, and Google might give you the right answer.

But it's really up to Google.

-KV