Use Duracell or your child will be Kidnapped

Welcome Horace Worblehat to The Literary Brothel! If readers are thinking that the name "Horace Worblehat" sounds fake, well, that's because it is. However, I assure you there is a real person behind the name, and that person is not me. Seriously. -KV

Use Duracell or your child will be Kidnapped
by Horace Worblehat

Watch this short clip:




What it means: if you do not purchase the correct batteries, your child will be taken from you while you are at the park so you have to options: buy Duracell or stop going to park.

This commercial brings up more questions than it answers. For example: where did the child get the red balloon? Why is he so happy with his red balloon? Can I have a balloon? Fuck him and his red balloon.

Also, is that woman really his mother, or just some lady using the child for drug smuggling purposes and that's why she has him hooked up to an expensive tracking device?

All of these questions have very disturbing answers. The child received the red balloon from the free red balloon man who gives free red balloons to all the children of the world. He has also been charged with - but never convicted of - pedophilia. I can’t have a red balloon because Free Red Balloon Man thinks I’m too old. Fuck him.

-HW

The New Brothel Turns One

To celebrate our one year anniversary, we're having a party.

If you did not get an email about the party, we're also celebrating our anniversary by posting a poem containing the statistics about the first year of The Brothel. Since you're already at home, or alone at a coffee shop, you might as well read on. It's kinda amusing. -KV

p.s. The party rocked.

The New Brothel Turns One
Klaus Varley

The (New) Literary Brothel was launched in April

of 2008.

Since then, we've had 7,431 Unique Visitors

who visited for an average of one minute

and eight seconds.

Which is enough time to read an article

Or two

If you're fast

Which is probably why the average number

of page views for the year

was 1.47.

Obviously, some people read two, or even three articles.

And others only read one.

Quickly.

And then move on

to Peppermint Creek

or Script Doctor Eric

0r other sites.

How did people find The Brothel?

Some came by way of keywords

Others, by Peppermint Creek

(Thus, we plugged the site

twice in this post.)

But most came through keywords

Such as "Bukowski Quotes"

and "Charles Bukowski Quotes"

both of which brought 467 people to The Brothel

about one a day, or something

who knows.

What I do know is that this next year

is going to be great

As long as we keep posting about Bukowski

And that asshole

Michael Phelps.

Just kidding.

He's not an asshole.

But this one post where we said he was

and it became

our most popular piece

of the year.

Booya.

-KV

p.s. I know

that's no way

to end a post

but hell,

poetry is hard

and if you don't think so

write a poem

and send it to us.

We'll post it.

Then,

all you have to do

is leave a public computer

on the screen with your poem

and watch how fast

the next person closes that window.

Booya.

Let the Right One In: Twilight For Grown Ups

Langdon's movie recommendation for the week is Let The Right One In - a vampire film from Sweden. The film is just your typical boy-meets-girl, boy-gets-beaten-up-by-bullies, girl's-live-in-boyfriend-slaughters-innocent-civillians-to-cure-her-vampire-bloodlust, boy-and-girl-form-bond-against-the-cruel-society movie. In other words, it's Ingmar Bergman meets John Carpenter.

As the title of the post suggests, this is the teen angst film that Twilight was supposed to be, only done right. It has gloomy and oppressive scenery, filmed during winter storms with dark colors. It is simultaneously creepy and touching. You feel the kids in the film really form a bond. Plus, there is no silly old timey baseball scene like in other teenage vampire movies that shall remain nameless.

And get a load of that messed up girl in the photo. The violence is shown in ample amounts but it does not seem exaggerated (the way the American remake will be, no doubt). There is enough to satisfy my typical American male bloodlust, but enough is shown off screen to leave it to the imagination and make the film truly scary.

If you are the sort of person who is more afraid of subtitles than vampires, this film may not be for you. Everyone else: check it out.

-LA

Illegible and Unintelligible Ideas for Articles

Illegible and Unintelligible Ideas for Articles
Klaus Varley

Here are but a few of the scattered ideas written on scraps of paper and sometimes even in one the 3 1/4 in x 4 1/2 in composition books I purchased for the purpose of writing down scattered ideas. Each idea is followed by a parenthetical speculation of the idea's origin that may or may not be a complete fabrication

-One big eye = amazing (written after watching Clash of the Titans)

-Do yoga, look gay, get chicks (obviously written a long time ago, when I held the now unintelligible secret to how "doing yoga" and "looking gay" leads to "getting chicks")

-Some Japanese people look Mexican (written while racist)

-Cats don't cough (casual observation that could just be the one cat I observed)

-Budweiser tastes like my childhood (nostalgic reflection while drinking)

-Freak shows make money. Economically sound to be strange. (Reality show influenced)

-Faking it: What adults do for kids and other adults. No one is really confident about anything. (Faking confidence is a recurring idea in my daily life)

-If water comes out of the faucet too hot, avoid by ending the last usage with a turn on the cold. Or always wait a second. (Written after drying my hands and curing the faucet)

-No bumper stickers on my car - too much pressure; have to drive well. "Screw you, Obama supporter." "No signal? Who does this guy think he is? What does he like...Greenpeace? Screw Greenpeace." (Noted after having mixed feelings when an Obama supporter cut me off)

-The Home Depot logo - slanted - other slanted logos? Slanted Logo Series? (I always get ideas from The Home Depot - doesn't everyone?)

-Five life lessons learned by drinking: Anything tastes good after tequila; getting up early most mornings isn't so hard - try it with a hangover (Not sure when this came to me)

-Angry salesmen are hard to buy from - experience in Best Buy last summer. (More written details about said experience might have come in handy right about now)

-Used to think to give homeless people bluetooth to make them seem less crazy. Now, people with bluetooth (blueteeth?) appear crazy. At least the homeless people aren't getting cancer when talking to themselves. (Bus rides spawn articles ideas like nothing else)

-Power in friendships. Friendships give you power. Explain. (Listening to Tony Robbins makes everything about power)

-We cry when we are happy to hide our happiness from the gods. Or I read too much Pearl Buck. (I read too much Pearl Buck)

-Writing is a second chance to say what you want. Recreate the comeback. (Who says telling people off on YouTube can't lead to productive ideas?)

And...

That's it. For now. (Just thought of that)

Let me know which ones you like the best. And feel free to suggest new ideas not on this comprehensive list for future Brothel articles. Just drop a comment.

Better yet, write the article yourself and send it over. I'll post it for ya. No charge.

Seriously.

-KV

4/20 Update on the War on Drugs

The Literary Brothel is about to get serious on this less-than-serious counterculture holiday. You have been warned. -KV

4/20 Update on the War on Drugs
Klaus Varley

Since its inception in the 1970s, the war on drugs has cost over 1 Trillion dollars [1] and more people are using drugs today than ever before. So what's the solution? Well, how did they solve the last era of Prohibition in our country?

Luckily I don't have to make the argument for legalization, because there are far more articulate people doing it for me.

So sit back, relax [2] and check out the links below for some of the best arguments for drug legalization and the state of the current debate.

...
David Simon of The Wire

"I would decriminalize drugs in a heartbeat. I would put all the interdiction money, all the incarceration money, all the enforcement money, all of the pretrial, all the prep, all of that cash, I would hurl it, as fast as I could, into drug treatment and job training and jobs programs. I would rather turn these neighborhoods inward with jobs programs. Even if it was the equivalent of the urban CCC, if it was New Deal-type logic, it would be doing less damage than creating a war syndrome, where we're basically treating our underclass. The drug war's war on the underclass now. That's all it is. It has no other meaning."

Former Seattle Police Chief Norm Stamper

On the Drug War

"The most destructive and damming social policy since slavery."

On Marijuana effects vs. Alcohol

"I ask cops over and over how many people under the influence of marijuana turn violent on you in your career as a cop. The answer is always none." (Summarized)

"The drug that does produce more belligerence, more violence, more health problems, financial problems, family and community problems - than all other drugs combined - is legal."



What has Obama said about the issue? Little, so far. But he did brush off a question about marijuana legalization with a joke. Below, Cenk Uygur of The Young Turks shows the Obama clip then makes spot-on observations.



Alright, no more videos...but here are some links to some great ones, if you have the time:

Bill Maher speaking in front of NORML on Marijuana Legalization

"This isn't like the war on terrorism, we can't just win it by putting a flag on our car."

Glenn Beck gets owned by a Rob Kampia from the Marijuana Policy Project

Either he had a change of heart, or the above debate wasn't a real debate, Beck seems to come out in favor of legalization in this clip.

Dr. Ron Paul debating Stephen Baldwin on CNN (Stephen Baldwin? WTF CNN?)

Harvard Economics Professor Jeffrey Miron on why Legalization makes sense

And here's a recent article in the San Francisco Chronicle on how most people FAVOR marijuana legalization.

So why are we still talking about this?

The answer: we're not. In this post, at least.

-KV

-----------
Footnotes

[1] "Trillion" is capitalized when it refers to money such as the following statement from someone who is first introduced to the facts about the senselessness of our current drug policy: "The war on drugs wasted a Trillion dollars of taxpayer money? A Trillion? Damn that's a lot of money!)

[2] This is not our clever way of saying, "smoke weed while you read this post." It is our less-than-clever way of saying it.

A Long Drunken Rambling Post

Thought we were just going to post on Tuesday and Thursday this week as per our stated pattern from our first post? Surprise! Happy...week after Good Friday. Yes, this is how we celebrate the end of Lent. Doesn't everybody? -KV

A Long Drunken Rambling Post
Klaus Varley

I know what you're thinking. "A long drunken rambling post, as opposed to what? Your short sober blog posts? Your posts aren't short, and don't sound sober most of the time."

In the words of the venerable Baron Davis as quoted in the Daily Bruin circa 1997, "Slow your roll."

But maybe you're not thinking about the normal state of our posts. Maybe if your name is Minnie Grey you're thinking, "There should be commas between 'long' and 'drunken' and 'drunken' and 'rambling.'"

You might be right, Minnie. But we'll never know.

Anyhow, let the long drunken post begin! (Hint: it has already started.)

A Long Drunken Rambling Post For Real This Time
From the venerable Klaus Varley

I used to go to poetry readings in Westwood at Iso Cafe when it was called RelaxStation. Now you might be thinking, "RelaxStation is a stupid name for a cafe, no wonder they didn't last." Really? "Iso Cafe" is so much better? [1]

By whatever name, it's a two-story coffee house that serves sushi and bunch of other asian food that doesn't go with sushi.

And some nights it serves up poetry.

This night, the poetry was hosted by a poet known only as Snowplow. I soon found out her real name was "Katie." Anyhow, "plow" was cool, but nearly always did the same "Hello Kitty" poem where she explained her experience as an Asian female, growing up in a world that expected her to not have a mouth - a la the Hello Kitty doll - via the hip-hop art form known as slam poetry .

Where the hell am I going with all this? I'm not asking you, I'm trying to reorient myself. [2]

Just relax....RelaxStation...ah ha!

So, I went to the night hosted by Snowplow a few times, but I would never do a poem. Too intimidated. The other poets were too good, and by "too good," I mean some of them were really good, and other ones were okay, with a few being not bad, and one guy just asking us if we wanted more drinks, but he stuttered so it sounded like a poem. Yeah, even that guy was intimidating.

But today, thinking about the long defunct poetry readings, I have a thought: I should have written a poem.

I can write a poem.

How hard is it to write a poem?

I thought back, and imagined myself going up there, in front of the slam poets, and saying something like:

You fuckers
are intimidating
I usually just sit back
in the back
row
and listen

But listen

Tonight
I'll try
but probably lose
confidence but
it's not art
it's a start
or
beginning
leave them wanting more

That simulated "poem" took WAY too long and now I'm fading, off to bed, and sorry I couldn't wrap this up with something clever - maybe in the edit. You never now.

-KV

[1] Holy crap, in looking up how to spell "RelaxStation," I found this site which is dedicated to "the best of LA: good eats, good people, good things to do." A quick search on their site comes up empty for "WestSubs" and "A Video Store Named Desire" which means that our running series Best Things About LA can continue. Obviously this is the only instance where our tastes will cross paths. And for their information, Iso Cafe is NOT one of the best things about LA. That site sucks. Do not click the link above.

[2] When I say "reorient" it's not because Snowplow is Asian. How would that work? Sure, the word "orient" is in "reorient," but it means something completely different. Yet I can see how the average, hypersensitive, politically-correct, Asian-American studies majoring reader might raise an eyebrow or two about that word choice. Hell, it'd be a lot easier to just go back and change it than continue writing this footnote, but what's done is done. And this footnote is done. If this is the last thing you read because you didn't bother scrolling down when you encountered the "2" during the post, then this post is also done for you. If you're not a lazy reader, scroll back up and continue reading - oh you have yet to read the treasure that is the slam-poem contained within! It is not to be missed!
---

Ridley Scott's Commercial Against National Debt

Here is an amusing commercial from 1987. It is directed by Ridley Scott and features some of the same Bladerunner type atmosphere we have come to expect from a dystopian future. Notice how deficit spending has brought about nuclear winter so everything is really dusty.

In the future, all of the kids execute their elders in a Children of the Corn type military coup, for the crime of running up the national debt to an astonishing 2 trillion dollars! Chump change nowadays, but the kids are pissed off just the same.

-LA

The 10 Worst Facebook Status Updates of My Friends in the Past 24 Hours

The 10 Worst Facebook Status Updates of My Friends
in the Past 24 Hours

by Klaus Varley

If you see your name here, sorry, I forgot to change it. -KV

10. Kerri...had a fun evening out with the ladies!

Which ladies? What did you do? Aaaaaaah, the suspense!

9. Adam...doesn't like his fantasy baseball team

The season hasn't even started yet and you're complaining about a fantasy team you're coaching? You, my Facebook friend, are a spoil sport.

8. Sam...still loves Hall & Oates!!

You wouldn't have made the list if you had used one exclamation mark, but two? For Hall & Oates? They can't hear you, Sam. But the god of lameness can.

7. Sherry...feel people either love me or hate me, there is no in-between, where do u stand?

I stand in the pro-grammar camp.

6. Meg...is driving to Berkeley.

This update is not so bad, just dangerous.

5. Alex...2 down, 1 to go. Sigh.

Should I trace the history of your status updates to figure out what you're talking about? No. I can tell by the "sigh" you think I should. But we're more like Facebook "acquaintances" than Facebook "friends."

4. Louisa...feeling sniffly... oh, not a good time to be getting sick!

Unlike all the great times to get sick? (First day in prison, after the big test, etc...)

3. Mike...I'm happy I got an good grade on my spanish test and have no cavities! Who knew Mondays could be good.

If you think that's a good day, just wait until Tuesday: dollar tacos.

2. Katherine...craves Coldstone cupcakes.

Coldstone has cupcakes? I thought it was Coldstone's? This update makes me hungry for the unknown.

1. Klaus...is hungry. For the unknown.

Avoid impromptu status updates or risk ending up on a "Top 10 worst status updates" list.

-KV

"I Love You, Man" review turns into a short rant on Buster Keaton

"I Love You, Man" review turns into a short rant on Buster Keaton
by Langdon Auger

In the middle of trying to write a humorous review for I Love You, Man I came to two conclusions. First, I can’t make a review that is any funnier than that movie. Go see it. You’ll be telling everyone you “slap da’ bass” for the next several weeks.

Second, I have a more pressing desire to push a personal favorite director of mine. Through a fortunate series of events I found myself hitting the Buster Keaton section of my Netflix Queue just as I started reading a biography of the silent film director called Tempest in a Pork Pie Hat. (I had to justify the book to myself as legitimate research for my dissertation topic. I live a lie.)

Buster Keaton was one of the most famous silent comedians, along with Charlie Chaplin and Harold Lloyd. He got his start working with comedian Roscoe “Fatty” Arbuckle who was most famous for his girth, his mugging for the camera, his flair for visual gags, and his lurid murder trial that subsequently ruined his career. Keaton was the sidekick turned star and was famous for his flat hat, his stone faced stare, and his extreme athleticism. For those of you who are Jackie Chan fans (like me), he references Buster Keaton as one of his main influences. So the frenetic and often times humorous action sequences from Rumble in the Bronx have their origin in these early shorts and features.

Perhaps his best movie is The General. While other comedians made their name with their slapstick, Keaton was famous for having more emotional driven comedies. This film flopped as a result but it is now regarded as his best. It has some death defying sequences on a moving train, performed without any safety precautions whatsoever. Keaton famously told his cameramen “keep filming unless I die.” I watched this in a college classroom and modern day action-film-inspired students were gasping in awe at some of the stunts.

Also check out Sherlock Jr. if you want to see some camera trickery that predates blue screen or advanced editing techniques. Keaton was quite the innovator.

Anyone remember the episode of Arrested Development where Buster is trying to get out of the army and he jumps on front of the model house as it crashes down around him? Keaton performed the stunt with a fully built house in Steamboat Bill, Jr. He had two inches of clearance protecting him from certain death.

So put some of his movies on your queue, you won’t regret it.

-LA

The Best Wife Swaps

The Best Wife Swaps
Klaus Varley

We don't watch much TV here at The Brothel, however a while back our friends over at Peppermint Creek posted clips from a show called "Wife Swap." It was the Fowler/Long episode, and it was glorious.

Since that time, we here at The Brothel have watched pretty much every episode illegally posted on YouTube. Here are the best ones we could find, linked for your viewing pleasure.

[Warning: Wife Swap is addictive. When you're selling your TV to pay the internet bill to watch more episodes, let me know: I'm in the market for a TV.]

1. Fowler/Long

A bit of nostalgia for this one since it was my first exposure, but it has so many twists and turns in the attitudes of the adults AND kids that it stays number one. I don't want to give anything away, but Stephen Fowler is a douche.

2. Myers/Sutton

Another example of a husband who does the unexpected, right before you're about to call him a "dumb hick." And the Myers family doesn't live up to their name. (Five people will get this joke. To you five, I say "har.")

3. Galvan/Martin-Portala

The magician is annoying, but this episode is all about the suburban kids and the uptight father who is too afraid to let them out of his sight.

4. Johnson/Blackburn

The "out of shape" family vs. the "in shape" family seems to be a common motif with Wife Swap. But in this episode it never worked so well. If the heavy husband doesn't break your heart, nothing will.

5. Baur/Fine

Just when you think the pirate family (yes, you read right) has nothing to contribute, the suburban father starts to loosen up. Not the best episode, but some good stuff there.

Seriously.

-KV


Addendum:

You think our keywords are bad? The YouTube tags for one episode of Wife Swap look like this:

stephen fowler wife swap renee stephens steven liberals obama biden pelosi gayla alan long mayor san francisco elite rude british military bashing UK noe valley IQ redneck midwest missouri stupid mean unpatriotic egged deported prius tree hugger environmentalist weight loss coach ATV dirt bike national anthem sf snob closet faggot homo bay area obese overweight fat exercise McDonalds fast food American republican democrat domestiic abuse patriotic runon fragment shame

"Patriotic runon fragment shame," indeed.

...

Sunshine Cleaning Rips off David Sedaris

Sunshine Cleaning Rips off David Sedaris
Klaus Varley

Warning: No spoilers. You'll have to sit through Sunshine Cleaning if you want to know what happens in that very mediocre indie movie. -KV

Very snarky, Mr. Movie Critic. -ed.

Dude, don't say, "snarky." -KV

Dude, don't say, "dude." -ed.

Now THAT is snarky. -KV

There's a scene in the new Amy Adams movie Sunshine Cleaning where a kid licks random objects in his classroom and gets in trouble for it.

Actually, the scene is a couple of angry school officials TELLING Amy Adams about the kid licking things around the classroom. As Script Doctor Eric would say "Show it, don't tell it, this is a movie for Christsakes," or something to that effect.

But that's only HALF the reason it's lazy writing: this scene is stolen from "A Plague of Tics," an essay in Naked, by David Sedaris. In the essay, Sedaris describes many of his OCD obsessions as a boy, one of them being LICKING things, and getting thrown out of the classroom for it.

Coincidence?

Not a chance. A movie aimed at the "indie" crowd, Sunshine Cleaning smacks of hipster know-how. The movie was produced by the guys who did Little Miss Sunshine and Sherrybaby.

And writer Megan Holley sports a fashionable scarf and hip clothes in her pic on IMDB.

That's right, a scarf. Not proof of plagiarism, you say? Did I mention David Sedaris's Naked is imprinted on it?

Seriously though, did they really think none of us had read Naked? Could they not come up with something else for the kid to do to get in trouble?

Shame on you, Megan Holley. You and your cool scarf.

-KV

Pink Flamingos: A Forgotten Film I Wish Had Stayed Forgotten

Pink Flamingos: A Forgotten Film I Wish Had Stayed Forgotten
Langdon Auger

I thought I understood John Waters. I thought he was a funny counter cultural guy. I had seen his films Hairspray and Crybaby and thought they were kitschy fun throwback films that reveled in poor taste. He even did a voice on The Simpsons. But then Pink Flamingos arrived on my Netflix queue. Gone are the notions of the mischievous gay man pointing out the foibles of mainstream society. In its place is me, a shattered human being who is still trying to come to terms with what he saw.

Many of my friends had told me about this film and all they could bring themselves to say was “Divine eats dog poop.” After having seen this movie I begin to wonder about some of my friends. Why is that the scene that is so memorable?

When the movie begins there are pregnant women in the basement being used as baby farms for lesbian couples, a man having sex with a chicken, rape, toe licking, a grandma forced to live in a cage, and a sister watching her brother have sex. That's when I turned the movie off.

Later there is cannibalism, twitching buttholes, and castrations (as related to me by my roommate who finished the film). Maybe because I didn’t see it, but I can’t understand why the dog crap scene is so well remembered. Never did any of my friends tell me about the rest of the film. I think aside from the fact that it was real there is very little reason to claim it as the most outrageous scene in the movie.

Even though I could not finish the film, it is quite admirable. Or maybe because I could not finish the film it is admirable. Let’s not pretend that I am a prude. I am a proud fan of South Park and I love Dave Attell’s standup comedy. This film elevates filth to an entirely different level that for lack of a better word can be called art.

When you look at “degenerate” movies today they just pale in comparison. John Waters makes those guys from MTV’s Jackass look like little 12 year old girls with skinned knees. I thought I knew what degeneracy was, but then I saw Pink Flamingos.

I think I will go pray now.

-LA

Google has the Best April Fools Jokes

Last year it was "get your emails in print form" which I thought was a cool idea, but apparently was in the minority.

This year I was not fooled. But oh, how funny! From gmail.com:

Gmail AutopilotTM by CADIE

Email will never be a thing of the past, but actually reading and writing messages is about to be. Gmail Autopilot automatically manages your inbox better than you can, with zero effort from you.

Keep in Touch

Brand-new CADIE technology enables Autopilot to scan every one of your incoming messages and automatically send the perfect reply.

Manage relationships

Impress everyone with your prompt and insightful responses to everything from urgent notes from your boss to cute messages from your significant other.

Match your style

Autopilot calibrates for tone, typos and preferred punctuation. It's just like you, but automated.

Go HERE for more about CADIE

--

Nice. The only question left: How much money does Google spend each year creating an April Fools joke?

I'll do it for half the price.

Unless that price is zero.

Okay, I'll do it for half of zero.

Because if anyone can find half of zero, it's Google.

Seriously.

-KV

Sarah Palin's IQ is 19 Points Higher Than Paris Hilton's, Making it 20..

April Fools! Sarah Palin doesn't have an IQ.

Is that the best joke we could come up with?

No.

April fools again!

Yes, it was the best joke.

Sorry about that.

April fools!

We're not sorry.

April fools again!

We are indeed, sorry.

Especially for all the April Fools

and for prentending

this is poem

when obviously I'm just

pressing "return"

whenever the hell

I

want.

-KV

p.s. For the history of April Fools' Day, check out the Wikipedia entry.