The Literary Brothel's Top Ten Songs of the Year

The Top Ten Songs I Heard in 2008
Klaus Varley

When not listening to the Pixies, I manage to hear some new music, but not enough to write a top 10 albums list. Instead, here’s a list of ten songs on ten albums released this year.

10. “Orphans” – Beck feat. Cat Power, Modern Guilt
Tracks like “Gamma Ray” ensure Modern Guilt a solid ranking in Beck’s catalog, but it’s “Orphans,” the Beatles-esque, big-beat hippie groove that rocks the popsicle shop.

9. “Loose Lips” – Kimya Dawson, Juno
Yeah, Juno – the movie – was 2007, but “Loose Lips” makes the list on the soundtrack released in 2008. Even if you’re tired of the movie, tired of the soundtrack you’ve heard 1000 times already, tired of Michael Cera (never!), this track lasts.

8. “Half Man” – Black Francis, Svn Fngrs
This seven track taster from Black Francis (formally Frank Black of Frank Black and the Catholics after he was formally Black Francis of the Pixies. He was, however, always Charles Thompson) is inconsistent at best, but in “Half Man” Black is back to his “Teenager of the Year” roots, sounding closer to legendary solo tracks like “Abstract Plane” than he has in years.*

*No research. I know these this stuff like the back of my hand.**
**White skin, veins, hair.

7. “For the Birds” – Earlimart, Hymn and Her
If you don’t know Earlimart, they’re what Wilco would sound like if told they were only allowed to play in the shoegazer genre. Hymn and Her is not quite as good as 2007’s Mentor Tormentor but hell, both albums are freaking fantastic.

6. “J'aime vous voire quitter” – Islands, Arm’s Way
No idea what this song is about, only that it’s an American indie-rock song with a French title.

5. “Great Beyond” Aimee Mann, @#%&*! Smilers
For those who still appreciate the good ol’ singer-songwriter stuff, Aimee Mann is hard to beat. Her new album is solid as hell, and so is this track.

4. “You” – Atmosphere, When Life Gives you Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold
Atmosphere’s wordy, uplifting raps are reminiscent of the stuff coming out in the early 90s before Dre, Snoop, and Biggie took gangstas to a new height. Yeah, I know there’s a dearth of hip-hop on this list. Coincidentally there’s also a dearth of hip-hop in the “New Music File” at UCLA Radio.

3. “Four Provinces” – The Walkmen, You & Me
For a group that is Bob Dylan with worse lyrics but better back-up band, I’m not sure why The Walkmen aren’t more popular.

2. “Girls” – Walter Meego, Voyager
“Everything I do, I do it for a girl, I do it for a girl, I do it for a girl.” Meego keeps it simple and dancy. If this track doesn’t get the booty off the chair, nothing will.

1. “Body” – Mother Mother, O My Heart
This is probably the best album of 2008 and “Body” is its top tune, nudging out “Body of Years” (what’s with all the bodies?), “Wisdom,” and the title track, “Oh My Heart” (holy smokes, this whole album is about bodies!) because lyrics like “I’ve grown tired of this body / cumbersome and heavy body” not only sound real, but feel real. And the music is great too. For real.

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Why isn’t your favorite song of 2008 on this list? Probably because I didn’t hear it.
So which tracks did I leave out? Comment, or heck, send the song to me – literarybrothel at gmail dot com.

Be legal.

Whatever that means.

-KV

The Great Vodka Taste Test of 2008

FYI: Even though this post arrives the day after Xmas, this all went down a few weeks ago. I'm just letting you know so there are no preconceived notions about how we here at The Literary Brothel celebrate the holidays. We would never, ever, EVER drink vodka on Christmas. Now, cider on the other hand... -KV

July 2009 Update: There is now a VIDEO of the taste test! Enjoy! -KV

The Great Vodka Taste Test of 2008
Klaus Varley

Some people think they can tell good vodka from bad vodka, top shelf from bottom shelf, Russian from Ukrainian, etc. We set out to prove that those people are fools. Drunken, drunken fools.

Grey Goose, Skyy, Stolichnaya (Stoli), Absolut, Tito’s (sold only at Trader Joe’s) and Prestige Vodka from the fine distillers of the Ralphs Supermarket (Kroger Corporation). Six vodkas,* five people, one toilet.

If this were the first year of The Brothel (2001), we would have needed the toilet. As is, with years of life experience under our belts we knew to sip the vodka, not shoot it.**

Seven cups, seven numbers. I wrote the labels of the vodkas on a piece of paper and when it was my turn, I did it blindfolded and someone else wrote down my ratings. I couldn’t tell who it was – I was blindfolded.

Matt’s girlfriend went first.*** While she wouldn’t allow us to film her reactions, they were, as the commercial says, priceless.

On a scale of one to ten – ten being the best as it is in most scales from one to ten yet a point we had to clarify – Matt’s girlfriend gave Grey Goose a 5, Prestige a 4, and Tito’s an 8. Her favorite was Prestige Filtered (10). Her “this is nasty, I can’t believe I’m doing this, aren’t we too old for this shit” face was reserved for Skyy Vodka, which she gave a 1.

My girlfriend went next. How did we talk our girlfriends into doing this? “Hey baby, Matt’s/Klaus’s girlfriend is doing it.” Peer pressure truly runs the world.

My girlfriend is a devout lover of Absolut. She did admit however, that her fondness for the vodka could be partially due to Absolut’s clever marketing campaign. You know the one; it’s the Absolut bottle, but it’s blue. It's the Absolut bottle, but it’s red. It's the Absolut bottle, but it’s really Mt. Everest shaped like an Absolut bottle. Still don't know it? Sheesh.



Would my girlfriend rank Absolut above the rest in the Great Vodka Taste Test of 2008? The short answer is, no. The longer answer is: when she took a sip of the one that turned out to be Absolut, the words out of her mouth were, “This is definitely not Absolut. Too harsh.” She ranked Stoli above the rest, but no Vodka got higher than a 7.

Matt stepped up and proceeded to rank the Vodkas nearly opposite to his girlfriend, save Absolut and Stoli, which he ranked 5 and 8.5 respectively. He gave Grey Goose a 2. Somewhere in France, a Vodka maker shed a tear.

Howard – the good sport even though he's sorta a fifth wheel – was not fooled by Prestige Filtered, giving it a 4. His favorite was Grey Goose, somewhat resurrecting its recent battering with an 8.

And then it was my turn. I too, said “harsh,” when I took a sip of what turned out to be Absolut. Tito’s, while strong, went down easier than most, with no after taste. I gave it a 7, because hell, it still burned. It’s still plain vodka. Where’s our mixers?

Could the test be flawed because tasters like my girlfriend and myself obviously have little fondness for straight vodka, giving no vodka higher than a rating of 7? Indeed it could. We tallied the results anyway.

Out of a possible 50 points (1-10 per taster)

Stolichnaya: 35.5
Prestige Filtered: 29
Prestige: 28.5
Absolut: 28
Tito’s Vodka: 28
Grey Goose: 25
Skyy: 24.5

Basically, we couldn’t tell the difference between Prestige, Absolut, Tito’s, Grey Goose, and Skyy. This leads us to believe there is NO WAY you’d be able to tell if it were in a mixed drink. Think you can? I’ll bet you a shot you’re wrong.

The winner? Stoli, obviously. Or is it obvious? The 750 ml bottle of Stoli cost approximately $20. The same size bottle of Prestige: $5.99. Considering that Prestige scored higher than Absolut, Skyy, and Grey Goose, it’s hard to argue against it.

The other winners: the marketing departments for Absolut, Skyy, and Grey Goose. Through clever ads and fancy packaging they bamboozle us into thinking we’re drinking something that tastes better than that ugly Ralphs brand in the plastic bottle.

But, we’re not.

Someone pointed out that this was just a taste test, and that more distilled vodkas like Grey Goose and Tito’s might give you less of a hangover. True, but if people only drank drinks in preference of preventing hangovers, no one would ever drink champagne. Especially if they have church in the morning the next day. Never ever, ever.

Upon hearing the results of the test, Parker Briggsmore’s only response was, “Coffee filters? I’ve never heard of that. But I did see this episode of 'Myth Busters' where they filtered vodka through a Brita.”

Thus began the planning for The Great Vodka Taste Test of Early 2009. See you there.

-KV

---
* While there were six vodkas, there were seven cups of vodka. Matt heard that if you took the cheapest vodka and filtered it through a coffee filter (or four) it could compare to top shelf brands. And so in this test there is “Prestige” and there is “Prestige Filtered.”

** And not dare each other to shoot it. And not play blackjack for shots. And especially not bet who can take the most shots to blow the highest reading on Mike’s new pocket Breathalyzer. Um, 2001 was a crazy year, from what I remember.

*** “Matt’s girlfriend” and “my girlfriend” go unnamed in this piece for practical purposes. As in, “they PRACTICALLY don’t want us using their names on this website.

..
.

Fun Facts about Xmas

Yes, we celebrate Christmas here at The Literary Brothel, but a big shout out goes to Chanukah AND Hanukkah (as well as Hanukah) for being the hardest holiday to spell. -KV

Some FUN Facts about Christmas
Brought to you by the boys and girls at The Literary Brothel

-Christmas is primarily a 19th century creation coinciding with the Second Great Awakening, the rise of the middle class and a desire for more family-friendly holidays.

-Christmas was originally a pagan holiday banned by the Puritans because of its reputation for violence and public drunkenness.

-The Santa Claus figure we know today was created by Thomas Nast and popularized by the Coca-Cola company (who around that time enhanced their beverage with a substance we know today as cocaine).

-Jesus Christ was not born on December 25th (or even in the year 0, for that matter).

-Christmas survived mainly due to the advent of mass media and rise in consumerism of the 20th century.

-Due to the facts above, we at The Brothel are unsure why people so ardently defend Christmas as a "traditional" holiday.

-Facts about Christmas, no matter how "fun," aren't nearly as fun as getting presents and relaxing with your family.

Yes, even The Literary Brothel gets a little sentimental at Christmastime. Feel the love.

-TLB

(Sources: The Battle for Christmas by Stephen Nissembaum and Christmas in America by Penne L. Restad. Yes, we read those books...mostly.)

Movie Review: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (No Spoilers)

Though we use a lot of fake names here at The Brothel, I assure you this piece was not written by me, Script Doctor Eric, DJ Octoon, or any one else who has contributed to the site in the past. It was written by a friend who we're going to try to get to write for us regularly - a friend who has some sweet connections and got to go to an early screening. Really, a friend. I'm not going to write "seriously," because that might negate my sincerity. -KV

A Movie Review: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (No Spoilers)
by Langdon Auger


As a David Fincher fan (Fight Club, Seven, Zodiac) I am quite disappointed to say Benjamin Button is an awful film. Two hours and forty-five minutes to tell the story of a man who ages backwards for some reason. It's never really explained and it never seems to impact the story. And as if it's the most normal thing in the world, nobody acknowledges that the guy ages backwards.

Also confusing is the relationship Button has with his adopted mother. He gets abandoned by his dad and is raised by an African American lady in Louisiana. Is 1920s New Orleans so forward thinking that nobody from the local government wants to intervene when a black woman raises a white baby? Of course I'm fine with mixed race families, but I am not fine with movies that are this fundamentally ignorant of history. Everyone in 1920s New Orleans is okay with a black woman raising a white kid? Maybe that's why this is called a fantasy film.

This mother character also has the most ambiguous job. At first she seems to be a maid in a retirement home, but as the story progresses it looks like she owns the place because I never see a boss or anything. So this is an independent black woman in 1920s New Orleans who raises an abandoned white child while owning her own retirement home comprised of elderly-white-southern people who don't seem to mind being told what to do by this woman. Again, no one in the movie even seems to acknowledge how unlikely this situation would be.

It's a silly movie because it is supposed to be this profound treatise on life, love, and death and never really makes any sincere comment on life love or death. It treats it superficially and a bunch of teeny-bopper girls in love with Brad Pitt will confuse it with philosophy. Maybe i have seen too many Woody Allen movies to take this superficial tripe, or maybe i just saw the same subject matter dealt with more satisfactorily by Charlie Kaufman's "Synechdoche, New York."

I also have problems with the setting of the story. It is told in flashbacks as Cate Blanchette is in a hospital during hurricane Katrina. I will give a bright shiny nickel to whoever can tell me what the significance of hurricane Katrina was to the story. No one can do it because it was nothing but a cheap attempt to piggy-back off the national sympathies towards New Orleans. I heard David Fincher talk about directing this movie and even he couldn't tell us why. He just said it was a big event. Thanks douche bag, thanks for making the movie so long and pointless.

Also during the talk, Fincher admitted he had never read the short story the movie is based on. Jeez, you cant be bothered to read the 20 pages of source material to learn that this is not a story which should be blown up to a nearly three hour film?

Some other points:

-Just because it's long doesn't make it an epic.

-Just because it's sad doesn't mean it's dramatic.

-Just because it's an accent doesnt mean it's acting
(But Cate Blanchette rocks)

-Just because it's Fincher, doesnt mean it's good

-Just because there are conflicts with the studio doesn't mean it has artistic credibility. (Sometimes studios step in and interfere because an egotistical director has blown the budget of a small art house film up to 150 million dollars because he has to have digital effects for a story conceit that doesn't make that much sense and isnt all that important.)

Other than that, it's not a bad movie. Good visual effects, for sure.

-TLB

Bukowski Quote on Poetry

"what's wrong with poetics, generally, and what a man really NEEDS...you know, when he comes home after they've clubbed him to death, after he comes home with his 3 or 4 greasy pennies of pay and there is the old lady with hair uncombed, yellow teeth, on the phone, running up the phone bill with insane and unreal woman talk; the kids glad to see you - but just for a moment - like a new toy - and you know you ain't you, you're just a dirty dishrag or gum under the seat, you're just stale piss clubbed with a flyswatter. then tell what KIND of poetry is needed..."

-Charles Bukowski, July, 1968
from Selected Letters Volume 2

10 Mistakes to Avoid When Applying for a Job

This piece is from guest contributor "Loma," which - if you couldn't guess by the quotes around her singular-worded moniker - is not her real name. -KV

Top 10 mistakes to avoid when applying for a job
by Loma

DO NOT:

# 10 - Use cute abbreviations as though you were firing off a text message to a friend, as in "Pls see the attached resume and letter. Thx."

# 9 - Send your resume from an unusual e-mail address, like bigmoerocks@yahoo or lovezthempinups@aol.

# 8 - Write your entire cover letter and resume in ALL CAPS.

# 7 - Make your cover letter one long 300-word paragraph. That is a lot of paragraph.

# 6 - Attach a photo of yourself. e.g. A glamour shot, or a photo "taken last night" in your apartment.

# 5 - Write in your introductory e-mail, before anyone has offered you a job, that you expect to receive X amount in salary, plus medical coverage, plus car-related expenses.

# 4 - Submit a resume that has zero relevance to the job opening, with no cover letter explaining how anything you've done is in any way relevant.

# 3 - Make really standout spelling errors, like

* "Goo morning!"
* "My salry expetation is no less than $40K."

# 2 - Attach two resumes that list totally different companies you've "worked" for. Over the exact same time frame.

# 1 - Be weird. By writing, for example, that you are like Kobe Bryant except that your MVP stands for "Multi-Talented, Victorious, and Persistent."

-TLB

[We promise the next post will not be a top ten list, though they are catchy and easy to read, don'tchathink?]

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10 Things Guys REALLY Want for Christmas

This is more like a Maxim article than a Brothel piece. Hey, we're branching out... Or are we? -KV

Ten Things Guys REALLY Want for X-mas
Klaus Varley

Though most guys will deny it to their girls from here to eternity, below are ten things most men (except your man, of course) would seriously love to get in their stockings.

10. XBOX 360 All the other guys have it. Hey, we can get Rock Band honey, and you can play drums.

9. Motorcycle Any kind will do.

8. 58-inch Plasma HDTV Don't care if it's plasma, rear-projection or made of chipmunks, as long as it works.

7. Rio Brands Foldaway Octagon Poker Table Not to be too specific, but baby, it's only a hundred bucks.

6. Punching Bag and Gloves We like to hit things. I don't know why.

5. Dog Guys love dogs. Except for me; I'm allergic. Seriously (pathetic).

4. Electric Guitar Every guy wants to be a rock star. The more he denies it, the more you'll know it's true.

3. An original Optimus Prime in Shrink Wrap This is only for certain guys. Some people call them nerds. We call them Parker Briggsmore.

2. Stand-up Arcade Game to Put Next to the new Pool Table This is more like two gifts - two GREAT gifts.

1. Angelina Jolie Except for me; I'm allergic. Seriously.


-KV

The 10 Worst Christmas Presents to Give / Receive

This should make your holiday shopping a little easier. No need to thank us; we're here to help. -KV

The Ten Worst X-mas Presents to Give (or Receive)
-Klaus Varley

10. War and Peace Seems like a good idea for the "reader" in the family. Only problem is, they can't thank you for at least six years...or if they read slowly, six-hundred years.

9. Kittens While cute and cuddly for a while, kittens grow in to cats, and cats live forever.

8. Colored Socks Athletics socks are OK. Colored socks are just racist. Please people, the term is "African-American socks." Get with it.

7. Diet Books You might as well slap your cousin in the face and call her fat.

6. Zap Stick Stun Gun in Pink The only thing worse than being robbed is giving throwing the robber into cardiac arrest and then having to revive him. Instead, try one of these alternatives: Pepper Spray, Self-Defense Classes, or maybe an old-fashioned "promise to not get drunk and take that dark alley shortcut."

5. Puppies See Kittens.

4. Drum Set A good gift ONLY if your friend/relative is roommates with your mortal enemy.

3. Tampons Even as a joke, this does not fly. Trust me.

2. Lars and the Real Girl Sure, Lars is a good movie, but most people haven't seen it or heard of it. All they know is they just got a DVD with a blow-up doll on the cover.

1. Candy Land Screw you, Gum Drop Mountain.

-KV

Quote from Graham Green on Writing

"Only stop when it's going well."

-Graham Greene

Mitch Hedberg Quote on Drugs

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."

-Mitch Hedberg

Los Angeles Metblog featuring Wil Wheaton

If you're not familiar with Metblogs (and stubbornly refuse to click links on websites with "Brothel" in their name) they are one of those multi-blogger sites where a bunch of people chime in on a shared topic. On Metblogs people blog about their city. (In case you couldn't tell by its name)

Sounds boring, right?

Actually, it is. Mostly.

On the Los Angeles site (LA.Metblogs.com) there are a predictable number of postings on traffic, sushi, but other shout outs to things like the LA Auto Show - not what you'd expect from a city filled with hipster bloggers, m-i-rite?

That's because LA Metblogs has so much more than hipsters.

It also has movie stars.

That is, if you consider Wil Wheaton a movie star. Which of course, we here at The Brothel, proudly do. Wesley Crusher? Gordie from Stand by Me? Wheaton - if you've been following him (and I know you have, don't lie) - has truly gone where no man has gone before, transitioning from actor to blogger to author, and consistently dabbling in all three.


Don't believe me? Check Wil Wheaton's Blog that is far more popular than The Brothel or even LA Metblog.*

I know what you're thinking - how much did Wil Wheaton pay you to write this?

Answer: Nothing. Not everyone in LA is friends with a celebrity.

But didn't you say you were friends with that guy from Harold and Kumar?

Yeah, okay, everyone in LA has ONE celebrity friend; but Wil ain't mine.

Unless Kal keeps ignoring my calls. Then you never know.

-KV


* Google Rankings: WilWheaton.net = 6; LA.Metblog.com = 3; TheLiteraryBrothel.com = 4. Seriously...

10 Reasons to go to Graduate School

People often ask why I went back to grad school. I usually make up some story about how I want to teach, and an advanced degree gives me more options about where and what kind of classroom I can get paid to run.

Of course, that's bologna. Here are the real reasons to go to graduate school.

1. You have time to blog. I mean, study.

2. There are no deadlines. Okay, not true - there are deadlines but they're more like suggestions. Ominous suggestions.

3. If you get to campus before 10 AM you're a go-getter. In the working world they just call that "normal."

4. Undergrads value your advice. Not really, but they have to listen to it anyway since you grade them.

5. You work in a fairly safe, clean environment. Alright, it's not that clean, and safe as long as you don't mind get tasered once in a while.

6. Learning is more fun when you don't get graded and get to take whichever classes you're in the mood for... Which is NOT what happens in grad school. Okay, every once in a while, but hey, I always wanted to get units for rock climbing, didn't you?

7. Learning is free. At some colleges. Not this one.

8. The library is open late. Providing a good excuse for your non-existent social life.

9. The vending machines have decent coffee. And sandwiches. Man, I really don't have a life.

10. The chicks are great. Ha. Kidding. A joke! Heh. Seriously, that's a quote from Almost Famous. In no way do we here at The Literary Brothel condone engaging in relations (sexual or otherwise) with undergraduates...or other graduate students for that matter. They're a depressing bunch.

-KV

PS. Apologies for the crass ending on the otherwise clean and clever piece. But hey, this is The Literary Brothel - what did you expect?

PS2. Apologies for that post script where I called my piece "clever." What I meant to say was "pretentious. Very, very pretentious. Pretentious enough to write a post script...or two.

---end---
--seriously--

Charles Bukowski Quote - On His Column "Notes of a Dirty Old Man"

"I don't think the stories are dirty. when they lean to sex, and many of them do, I believe that sex is a very tragic and a very laughable matter - see Boccaccio, The Decameron. we are all so ludicrous and lousy with our miserable sex organs. I hope that if you read these stories, you will understand, not misunderstand the intent."

-Charles Bukowski, February, 1969

Jack in the B-Fish: A New Controversial Logo

You may recall this piece a while back about the controversy surrounding the Petco Logo (Is the cat first? Is the dog first? Is this really a controversy?). Alas my friends, a new controversy is in our midst, and we didn't even know it.

Until now.

What is the secret whose name dare not be spoken until the designated point in time which by all intents and purposes is right now, designated by me, Klaus V?

Well?

Well, okay, let's all take a deep breath, for a piece of our childhood is about to be taken from us.

What I mean by that is, the Jack in the Box logo has become nonsense.

Oh, you think you can read it. You think it's just the words "Jack in the Box" tilted to one side, akin to the Home Depot logo (which also has some suspicious things going on...).

But you would be wrong.

Dead wrong.

Okay, not "dead" wrong, but wrong nonetheless. Scroll up and look at the JintheB logo again. Let's take it word by word:

JACK - Looks pretty good, EXCEPT THAT THE "C" AND THE "K" ARE CONNECTED WHO CONNECTS A "C" AND "K" THAT'S NOT A LETTER!

No need to get excited, you say? It's just a slight connection of letters, you mime?

Alright, we'll give you that one. But let's move on. The next word is...

IN - Is normal.

But...

THE - Where the hell did the "H" go? It's been absorbed into the E! It's now more like "TE" or "TL" than "THE." You will not be forgotten, eigt letter of the alpabet.

BOX - Just when you thought the THE was bad, take a look at BOX. O and X have fused to become the Christian symbol of the fish.

So what have we got?

JAK IN TE B-FISH

JAK IN TE B-FISH?

What happened to the Jack in the Box of our youth? The one with the ecoli scares and the 99 cent tacos?

Apparently, it has been replaced. By JAK IN TE B-FISH.

Long live the B-fish.

-KV

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Special thanks to Loma for pointing out the connected letters...and for tolerating my doubting of her eyesight before I got another glance at the JintheB logo. What I meant to say was, good eyes, girl!

reasons to vote yes on prop 8 charles bukowski quotes michael phelps asshole boobie games brothel

As you may or may not have guessed from the title, this is one of those posts where we tell you some of the top keywords that lead people to The Literary Brothel and speculate as to what-on-Earth people were actually looking for when they searched for these things. See, it's not all mumbo-jumbo all of the time. -KV


AND NOW, SOME KRAZY KEYWORDS THAT LET PEOPLE TO THE LITERARY BROTHEL THIS PAST MONTH


"confusing words school texas" - Are "texas" and "school" the confusing words to which you refer? If so, my head is doing some confusing right now.

"brothels downtown los angeles" - You think it's that easy to find a brothel in the great city of Los Angeles? Well, you're probably right. But it ain't here.

"cool fun facts about nevada" - First of all, "cool" and "fun" should never come before the word "facts." Facts are boring. Facts are dry. Has high school science taught you nothing?

"klaus varley banned gay marriage" - Woah, slow down with the accusations. That article (10 Reasons to Vote Yes on Proposition 8) is actually AGAINST Proposition 8. I know, you have to read carefully. Sorry about that.

"tucker bounds sexy" - Who are you, and why are you visiting our site, Ann Coulter?

"cool asshole" - I think the word your searching for is "oxymoron."

-KV

ps. Yeah, that's it. Hey, it's not our fault there weren't that many crazy search words. Next time search "domino apple bean salad jumper lion" so we have something to write about. Seriously, search it. Ha, welcome back!

Tales from Black Friday - Part I: Costco's Polish Dog

TALES FROM BLACK FRIDAY - PART I: COSTCO'S POLISH DOG
Klaus Varley

One of the best things about Costco is its incredibly low-priced food court. I know what you're thinking, "Is it really a food court if it's just a couple of windows and a seating area?"

Answer: Yes it is.

So, I was standing in line at the food court in Costco, when I overhear the girl in an adjacent line say to her friend, "I'm going to get the polish dog."

See how I didn't capitalize "polish?" That's because she said "polish" and not "Polish." A polish dog. A hot dog made of polish. Like nail polish.

Now, I've gotten a few Polish dogs in my time, but never, NEVER had I heard it mispronounced. Had she never been to a baseball game? Had she fallen asleep during geography class AND during every single lesson on WWII?

Perhaps.

But I quickly realized that this girl's lack of geography was the least problematic part of her statement. The most frightening part was, of course, that even though she thought this hot dog might be made of polish, she still wanted to eat it. "Mmmm, that polish dog will go well with my Clorox shake and Pine-Sol pudding."

Or maybe she has build up a tolerance for polish, has been drinking a little each day (Monday - silver polish; Tuesday - car polish) working up to this point, this moment when she can digest the polish dog in all its poisonous glory.

Or maybe it's a simple mistake. After all, the letters were all caps: POLISH DOG

Or maybe she drinks cleaning fluids for fun.

Or maybe we'll never know.

-KV