Anne Lamott Quote

"I remember my friend Nora saying once that she was seriously considering suicide, but that she wanted to lose five pounds first."

-Anne Lamott, Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son's First Year

Elliott Smith Dedication - Without Smith

This was written shortly after Elliott Smith's tragic death on October 22, 2003. It relies a lot on quotes, but we like it anyhow. -KV

WITHOUT SMITH
Charlie Luzon

“You only live a day, but it’s brilliant anyway.”

Elliott Smith is dead. Killed himself. Los Angeles. Musician. Found by girlfriend. Los Angeles. Suicide. Girlfriend. Elliott Smith is dead.

That’s as much as I understand, or care to understand. None of it matters anyway, except the first and last parts.

“Everything means nothing to me.”

My roommate told me the news after we came home last night. I don’t know if he knew the hole night and just remembered when he saw the Elliott Smith CD on my floor, or whether he found the information on the Internet moments before. I went online and read the reports.

“…where stupid shit collides with dying shooting stars.”

The news stories are the same. Who are they talking about? It can’t be the same Elliott Smith that I know – it reads like anybody died. I don’t care if anybody dies, I care that Elliott Smith is dead. Elliott Smith is dead, you wrote. Another depressed musician kills himself, what did you expect? you wrote. He sings about alcohol and drugs and depression. No. You can’t do this to him. The painful blandness of "objective" journalism. Another name expunged with the page.

“I’m never gonna know you now, but I’m gonna love you anyhow.”

I have the tendency to form a bond with people I admire, whether I know them or not. He is a celebrity. I didn’t know him. Maybe I’m delusional. A lot of people do that - imagine a connection with someone famous. Maybe we’re all delusional.

But Smith's music does something to me. It doesn’t something to a lot of us. It makes us feel. Draws sadness and love out of their two am depths no matter what time of day it is.

“Got a foot in the door. God knows what for.”

Money, fame, critical success – none of it matters. You still might plunge a knife into your chest. You still might leave people wondering why. You’ll still leave people feeling as if they stepped into a work of science fiction. They’ll still be saddened when they realize they didn’t. When it’s real. When there’s no time machine, only a light bulb breaking in our hearts.

Goodbye Elliott. We’ll miss you anyhow.

-CL

(All quotes from Elliott Smith: Figure 8, Kill Rock Stars, and XO)

Parallel Parking on National Blvd between Motor and Palms or Silver Lake Blvd east of the Reservoir or anywhere there isn't street cleaning

This is a not the typical Brothel entry, but instead could be called a blog / rant / mess. You have been warned. -KV

Parallel parking on National Blvd between Motor and Palms, or on Silver Lake Blvd east of the reservoir, or anywhere there isn't street cleaning in LA always SEEMS like a good idea, but remember this: Not only are those streets filthy - with glass, trash, and who knows what - but sometimes people are in their cars.

No street cleaning = free long term parking.

And so...

When you are parallel parking, DO NOT BUMP OTHER CARS. Especially at night.

Because if you do, and a head pops up in the car behind you, it will SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.

Hey ghostly figure, it's not even a scratch. Be cool.

Alright, I'm outta here.

-KV

domino apple bean salad jumper lion

Domino Apple Bean Salad Jumper Lion: The Strangest Keywords to Hit The Literary Brothel So Far This Year

"Best Books for Highschool Boys" - The best books for high school boys are on the shelf next to books like New Ways to Spell 'High School' for Parents.

"Get your HD porn iass now !" - Confusing as hell, but we dig the exclamation mark.

"My girlfriend in brothel" - And you're searching for her on the web? You should get out there and find her, man! Bring her home! (I told you we dug the exclamation mark.)

"Anderson Cooper + Dogs" - This can't be good. Or can it?

"Jumper Lion Asshole Bean Salad Panda Blog" - Is this related to "Domion Apple Bean Salad Jumper Lion" in some way?

"Open 24 hours 7 days brothel cold coast" - Which coast?

"Boobie Games" - Still a crowd favorite despite the fact that we're still not sure what a "boobie game" actually is.

"Domino Apple Bean Salad Jumper Lion" - Yes, this string of words landed people on The Brothel. Four times.

-TLB

Bukowski on Rejection

Bukowski on Rejection

"I don't write too much anymore but when I do I get rejected enough and when I get rejected I usually find, after reading the poem, that the editor in one way or another was right. and instead of writing a solemn and bitchy note I sit down and carve me out another poem."

-Charles Bukowski, July 1968

Punks and Quizes and Smiles - Teddy Nutmeg

This is another "oldie but goodie." I'm putting it up early in the day so you have a long time to read it. -KV

Punks and Quizzes and Smiles…
Teddy Nutmeg

Last night dreamland was good ole’ Atwater High School, where I was in a student-like capacity of some sort, but the kids there were just that: kids, and I mean young, like 12 or 13 years old. I know, I know, kids that young don’t go to high school. I am aware of that fact. IT WAS A DREAM. Stay with me.

When I say I was in a student-like capacity, I mean that although I was there, and even attending classes, I know I wasn’t a student; I’m always ME in my dreams, although I am in bizarre situations doing random things, my current identity stays relatively intact.

So, the first thing I can remember is going into the third-world-style bathroom, except dirtier and far more foul smelling, to attend to my urinary needs. On my way through the graffiti covered door, one of the aforementioned 12 year olds runs right into me and gives my stomach a healthy shove (he couldn’t reach my chest).

I look down into his snarling mask of a face and from the crack in his sneer, he spits more vulgarities at me in 5 seconds than I use in a month (and I’m 25 and not afraid of a little fucking shit here and there) before strutting by.

I say a few parting pleasantries to his back and let my bladder take me inside the bathroom, where it finds a deliciously free stall in which it can empty itself in privacy. I’m unzipping, trying to ignore the turd-encrusted toilet, when I overhear some prepubescent voices saying things no prepubescent voice should ever say. I’m a bit blurry on details, but here’s what I can recall:

Voice one, tough-sounding and squeakily high pitched: Nah, muthafucka, I got the shit right here. Pay up.

Voice two, slightly deeper but somewhat less tough: Man, fuck that!! You owe me from last time, shorting my ass like that, you owe me!

Squeaker: Mother fucker. The shit is right here [he drops something down onto the back of the toilet, next to where the pipe fits into the wall; its a small ziploc bag rolled into a 1-inch cylinder, the tint of green visible beneath the layers of rolled plastic). You want it?

Deeper: Yeah, I’ll take it, punk ass, but you still owe me. [green bills drop down on the white ceramic, on top of and perpendicular to the faintly glimmering green plastic bag of weed]

Squeaker: Whatever. [a too small hand scoops up the bills, too small feet make almost no noise as they patter out, and the stall and bathroom doors slam in succession]

Deeper: Motherfucker. [another small hand snatches the bag and he scoots out discreetly. neither one washed their hands on the way out, I notice]

I stand spread-eagled over the toilet, frozen in shock -- unable to pee for trying to reconcile the fresh images and sounds with my previous experience with 12 year olds who just want to have water fights and spill kool-aid everywhere. A rusty bell clangs somewhere in the distance, scaring the piss out of me, and I realize I’m late for class.

I’m standing outside, looking in the window of a darkened classroom which must be mine. Through a crack in the cheap nylon drapes I can see they’re watching a movie. I get the distinct feeling that this is the same classroom in which I had social studies back in 9th grade. I walk in just as the reel-to-reel projector clackity-clacks its way through the end of the reel. Strangely, I know what they just watched (maybe I caught part of it while standing outside), and as the teacher hands out a pop quiz, I’m both nervous and confident that I’ll do fine if I can only remember that one detail just out of reach, just on the periphery of consciousness.

Empty-handed, backpackless (sin mochila, for you Spanish speakers) and sweaty, I borrow a torn half-page of ruled binder paper and a chewed pencil and I stare at the scrawled quiz question, delineated in severe chalk slashes against the dusty dark green of the chalkboard. The letters were written in a hand so heavy that the chalk left thick white clumps on the edges of the straight lines; the fat horizontal top line of the capital “T” is a powdery trench deeper in the middle and ridged on the edges.

I sit, struggle, and sweat. I know I know the answer. If I can only remember. Remember. Remember. Remember. I think on in frustration.

As I simmer in furiously forced cognition, memories pound into my head like angry surf on the rocks at Big Sur – opening a hundred lockers, going to a hundred football games an spirit rallies, sitting in a thousand classrooms, glancing into a thousand sets of sparkling flirtatious eyes, feeling my heart beat quicker as a thousand cute lips curl up at the edges and a thousand eyelids bat coquettishly.

I didn’t remember the answer to that quiz, in my dream last night, but through all my years of schooling, for all the pop quizzes I aced, what I remember most are not the answers, not a) Benedict Arnold, b) The Raven, c) Prague, or even d) the Teapot Dome Scandal; what I remember most are the shining eyes and smiling faces of all the beautiful girls I ever had the privilege of sitting next to, and all the sweet secret moments we saved from the dullness of the average school day.

And here, now, in my cubicle in the third story, making $X0,000 dollars a year, all I want is to be back in one of those classrooms, staring into those eyes and feeling my heart beat faster as those lips smile, just for me.

-tn (2003)

Obama's TO DO Lists

Obama's TO DO Lists

Some of you may be wondering how we here at The Literary Brothel got our hands on newly sworn in President Obama's "To Do" lists, so soon after his inauguration. Well, the truth is that Obama is a big fan of The Literary Brothel and wanted to help us get a few more hits. And by "truth" we mean, "made up story."

Anyway, what matters is that we've got 'em. However, the lists are freakin' long. So, the whole lists will not be posted. Instead, we bring you:

Obama's "To Do" lists
(Abridged)

CHANGE/FIX - ASAP!
1. Economy
2. Iraq War
3. Jump Shot
4. Guantanamo
5. Health Care
18. Book Deals for Politicians (Reminder: Check royalties from "Audacity." Someone is getting paid, gosh darnit...)
27. Education
38. The Earth
39. Hip Hop
62. Alaska
...more...

HOPEFULLY/SOMEDAY (But won't sweat if not done)
1. Gay Rights
12. Women's Rights
17. Amish Rights
36. More Black Santas in Malls
49. Remove Tax-Exemption status for Mormons, Scientologists
88. Learn Chinese
101. Find a good Civil War reenactment group to join
176. Dunk Touch the rim
209. Open Speech-Making School. Enroll Al Gore, others
598. Help Klaus get more hits on The Literary Brothel (Thanks, man!)

We're keeping our expectations low; obviously the man has a lot on his plate.

And by THE MAN we mean Barack Obama: The New Definition of "The Man."

-TLB

Oscar Predictions - Updated!

UPDATED OSCAR PREDICTION

Langdon Auger

This is an attempt to get my Oscar picks out there before the actual ones are announced on January 22nd. As opposed to the first time I wrote down a list of nominees, this time I will be manning up and picking a few winners.

Best Picture:

Slumdog Millionaire

The Dark Knight

The Curious Case of Blah Blah Blah

Frost/Nixon

Milk

Wnners: I want The Dark Knight to win, but Hollywood will not vote for a comic book movie. This will be one of those "honor to be nominated" things. For those that read my movie review of Benjamin Button you have an idea of the deep, unabiding, and passionate hatred that I hold for that film. Frost/Nixon is a good political drama but doesn't hold anything to give it an edge. Milk would be a good choice, and a relevant one especially in light of Proposition 8 and the failure of the academy to give the award to Brokeback Mountain. But most of the awards have been going to Slumdog, so I think Danny Boyle's film will win it. That's just as well, since it is a good movie that doesn't start with the words, "The Curious Case."

Director

Danny Boyle - Slumdog

Gus Van Sant - Milk

David Fincher - Curious Case

Christopher Nolan - Dark Knight

Ron Howard - Frost/ Nixon

Winner: Christopher Nolan should win; Danny Boyle will win. Which is just fine since he is a great indie director who has not had much mainstream recognition.

Actor:

Mickey Rouke - The Wrestler

Sean Penn - Milk

Frank Langella - Frost/Nixon

Richard Jenkins - The Visitor

Clint Eastwood - Gran Torino

Winners: Langella, Jenkins, and Eastwood are nominees only. And including Eastwood just shows my fear of nominating Brad Pitt for another Oscar lest his ego lead him to make even longer movies. Plus Eastwood says its his last role (which is what he said for Million Dollar Baby so we will see). I would say the odds are about fifty-fifty for either Rourke or Penn. Either way, one is the winner, one is the one who should have one. Again, Penn's role is more socially relevant, but he has already won an Oscar. So I will go with Rourke; everyone loves a comeback story and it's not a bad movie either.

Actress

Meryl Streep - Doubt

Anne Hathaway - Rachel Getting Married

Sally Hawkins - Happy Go Lucky

Kate Winslet - Revolutionary Road

Kristin Scott Thomas - some movie I never heard of

Winners: Simply because all the roles are so phenomenally dreary, I want Sally Hawkins to win for her not quite as depressing role in Happy Go Lucky. But as for who will win, it's anyone's game. Streep is great, Hathaway has a break out hit, and Winslet is a perennial Oscar favorite who has never won. I'm calling it for Winslet by a tear.

Supporting Actor

Heath Ledger - Dark Knight

Dev Patel - Slumdog Millionaire

Josh Brolin - Milk

Phillip Seymour Hoffman - Doubt

Eddie Marson - Happy Go Lucky

Winner: If the Joker doesn't get this award the streets of Los Angeles will be filled with rioting comic book geeks clutching their implements of destruction in one hand and their asthma inhalers in the other. Not even Kevin Smith will be able to sate the bloodlust of the crowd if this victory is denied.

Supporting Actress

Kate Winslet - The Reader

Viola Davis - Doubt

Amy Adams - Doubt

Marisa Tomei - The Wrestler

Penelope Cruz - Vicky Cristina Barcelona

Winner: If the award was given to most nude actress, Tomei would win in a landslide. Otherwise I think the award will go to Penelope Cruz while it should go to Kate Winslet (again with the Oscar snubbing thing. Also it would be hysterical if she got the award for a holocaust drama since she made a joke about holocaust dramas getting automatic Ocars in the HBO series Extras).

Check back in a few days and see how awesome I am.

-LA

Man Sold Teenage Daughter for Money, Beer

Live from Greenfield, CA - a small town along the central coast of California, nestled gently between Paso Robles and Salinas on the 101 - comes a modern-day tale of a simple dowry exchange of cash, beer, and meat gone awry.



So what have we learned?

1. The Associated Press has their own videos, but they still haven't mastered the "green screen."

2. Before you call the police to get back your daughter because you sold her into marriage and the party that bought her aren't coughing up the dough, you might want to check the laws into "selling 14yr olds into marriage."

3. When you put this video on YouTube you will get comments like this one from Sharkdude1: "Guess this is happens when the Day workers who you see hanging out at Home Depot stores don't get jobs"

4. I don't know who Raul Rodriguez is, but he seems hella smart. And judicious.

Seriously.

-KV

The Best Things About LA: WestSubs

Thus begins the long anticipated "Best Things About LA" series, in which we review our favorite restaurants, bars, video stores, boba shops, yoga studios and coffee shops in this town called Los Angeles. Hopefully by the seventy-fourth part of the series those readers from New York and especially San Francisco will thinks, "I guess LA isn't so bad." -KV

The Best Things About LA: WestSubs

WestSubs
3863 Overland Ave
Culver City, CA 90232
310.837.6000
10am - Midnight

(Even though WestSubs is technically in Culver City, it counts, because Culver City is technically in Los Angeles. Or at least it seems like it is.)

In that enormous outdoor strip-mall south of Venice Blvd. and north of Washington, nestled between a Radio Shack and Bally Total Fitness, WestSubs in one of those places you'd probably never find unless someone told you about it.

But that's why we're here.

Park in the big-ass parking lot that serves said retail establishiments - along with Starbucks, Togos, and GameSpot - and head in to WestSubs. Sit at one of the tables or chairs, or even outside. Unlike the trendy, industry-laden Starbucks on the other side of the parking lot, WestSubs usually isn't packed.

The staff is mostly Filipino.* They wear Hawaiian shirts and fedoras** and are nice as hell.

Not "nice" in that overly servicey kinda way, but nice in the sense that they leave you alone when you're eating one of their awesome sandwiches or sipping one of their seventy bobas with your laptop out, surfing on their free WiFi. They somehow know the exact moment to come by, not to bother you, but just when you realize, "I need a napkin/water/milk tea boba." They're so good, it's eerie.

Beyond the eerily spectacular service, WestSubs stands out for its sandwiches. My favs are the meatball (spicy!) and the BLT. The BLT comes with fresh wasabi - a feature your server will warn you of every time you order it, unless you beat him to the punch by saying, "I'll have the BLT; you guys put wasabi on that, right?"

WestSubs is also open till midnight most nights, which makes it a great place to grab a coffee or boba. plop down with the laptop, and pound out that screenplay.

Perfect place? No, I said "great place." No place is perfect. There are two downsides to WestSubs: 1. If you come too early, you get a wiff of some sort of cleaning chemical or sterilization mix, which, while ensuring you of their high sanitation standards, has the duel effect of lessening your appetitte. 2. No WiiFii between 1 and 3 PM.

Of course, you can always sit outside if you come early, and you don't always need to surf the web. But how else are you going to read about the Best Things in LA on The Literary Brothel?

-KV

---

*I know some say "Pilipino," as there is no "F" in Tagalog, but I'm of the camp that the word without the "F" sound in the beginning just confuses people. For more on this debate, ask Allen Benitez, Tiffany Reyes, or your own Filipino friends.

** The fedoras - I'm just guessing now - are to distinguish themselves from all the other Hawaiian-shirt wearing Filipino guys in LA, which at last count, was numbered at six, five of which work at WestSubs. The other one is Allen Benitez.

..
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What do New York, West Hollywood, Bevery Hills, and Portland have in common?

All those cities have people? Those people walk a lot of dogs? Sure, but New York, West Hollywood, Beverly Hills, and Portland also share the infamous distinction of being the top four cities that sent visitors to The Literary Brothel in 2008.

I know what you're thinking: isn't West Hollywood a part of Los Angeles?

Actually, no, it is its own city.

How did West Hollywood send more people to The Literary Brothel than Los Angeles, when the site creator and many of his friends live in that city?

It's pretty simple when you think about it.

A lot of people in West Hollywood search for brothels.

Are there a lot of brothels in West Hollywood?

I hear there are, but they're probably not the type of brothels you think of when you think of the word "brothel." Unless, of course, you're gay.

Then, yes, those are exactly the type of brothels you're thinking about. Well done.

And so, this is just a brief welcome note: Welcome West Hollywoodians to The Literary Brothel. I hope you find what you are looking for.

But I doubt you will on this site. We tend to be more "literary" than "brothel."

But if you're looking for Bukowski quotes, we've got plenty.

...

Okay, okay, try the nondescript building on Beverly just east of Vermont.

See how we always come through for our readers?

Seriously.

-TLB

DJ Octoon's Radio Show "I'm in a Band.." - The BEST in Unsigned Music - is on Tonight!

This post feels eerily schizophrenic. -KV

Because DJ Octoon was generous enough to donate a music review we thought we'd plug his show.

Tonight (Sunday)
8-10pm Pacific
www.UCLAradio.com

Feel free to chat with DJ Octoon or DJ Slick

AIM: BruinRadio
Phn: 310-825-9085

And if you're an unsigned musician, be sure to send them your music (inaband@gmail.com) and request it Sunday nights during the show. I'm pretty sure they play most everything requested.

They also have a MySpace page. Damn, we're really shilling for them tonight.

Seriously.

-TLB

"Day & Age" by The Killers - A Music Review by DJ Octoon

DJ Octoon runs a radio show on UCLA Radio where he is constantly surrounded by hipster undergrads. That should explain something. -KV

Dear Hipsters,

I heard you berate Interpol when they started to sell some records. I was there when you thought Modest Mouse had sold-out because they wrote a catchy tune called "Float On." And now all I hear from you is, "You like The Killers?" with astonishment, or ironic astonishment (I can't tell which one).

But, to answer your question, yeah, I like The Killers.

"You know their lead singer is named Brandon Flowers?"

Yeah, I know. I also know that if you were around when The Beatles came on the scene you would have dismissed their music as "too poppy," or "for the masses."

No, I'm not comparing The Killers to The Beatles. I'm just saying; be careful of criticizing bands for being too popular. Or catchy.

Catchy is key. Why do hipsters hate The Killers? Because they're catchy. Something so catchy, so dancy, so light, can't be good. It's too sweet, like candy.

But fruit is sweet, too.

And so are marshmallows.

Where am I going with this? Back to The Killers, I suppose.

The newly relased Day & Age is The Killers's worst album. That said, you gotta hear it.

"I ain't in no hurry, you go run and tell your friends I'm losing touch / Fill their heads with rumors of impeding doom / It must be true."

That's from "Losing Touch," a nice start with lyrics that seem to attack people who are quick to criticize. The saxophone is a bit much, but that's pretty much my main complaint for the whole album. A little sax goes a long way.

"Human" - Berated by PitchFork for "not making sense," because the Flowers dares to play with grammar and ask, "Are we human or are we dancer?" in reference to Hunter S. Thompson's assertion that Americans are turning into a nation of dancers. I have to disrespectfully disagree with PitchFork and say, hey, that makes a lot of sense, actually.

By the way, if you're going to hate songs because they're lyrics don't make sense, I've got some Pixies tracks for you.

With the third track, "Spaceman," the band picks up the pace and returns to the "Somebody Told Me," days. But with higher vocals.

"Joy Ride" sounds like a lost track from a Wham! album with too much sax. Don't know Wham!? You gotta know Wham! The thing about Wham!...they knew when to take it easy on the sax.

A friend of mine says "A Dustland Fairtale" is his favorite Killers song of all time. I know, I didn't write "The Killers." He still likes it. And I can see why - it crescendos into something great, lets you taste it, then ends. It also sounds like a song from Sam's Town. Like Flowers said, "No, no, let's save that one for the next album."

But my friend is wrong - "I Can't Stay" is the best song from The Killers. At least on this album. (It's no Mr. Brightside) But it does have a Bossa nova (yeah, you read that right) beat, some well-placed-but-still-excessive saxophone work, strings, and some sweet bass work.

And with that, I ask all hipsters to put your fedoras to the side and give Day & Age a listen. If it helps, imagine it's a band from LA that you heard first, struggling to get a residency at The Echo.
See, I can talk the talk. Now give The Killers a chance, dammit.

Seriously.

-DJ Octoon

Check out his show: "I'm in Band.." - The BEST in Unsigned Music
Sundays 8-10 PM Pacific (Yes, this Sunday)
Only on UCLAradio.com

And if you're an unsigned artist, or know any, or want to hear new music, friend him on myspace! (yeah, he made us write this)
www.myspace.com/iminabandandsoami
..
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The Difference Between a Normal Blog (like Wil Wheaton's) and The Literary Brothel

While not immediately apparent to the untrained reader, the differences between an ordinary blog and The Literary Brothel should be evident after this fair and balanced post. -KV

Normal Blog Post*

"Louigi's is yummy"

I just had some pizza from an Italian restaurant called Louigi's Italian Kitchen on Sawtelle Blvd., and it tasted great. My girlfriend likes anchovies, so we got it with anchovies. I wouldn't ordinarily get anchovies because it tastes like fish, but she likes anchovies, so we got it with anchovies, and I have to say, even though it tasted a little fishy (get it?) it wasn't half bad. Here are some pics.

[The post would be followed by a nauseating amount of idiosyncratic pictures: of Louigi's, the pizza, the blogger's girlfriend, the blogger's girlfriend eating the pizza, the blogger eating the pizza, an anchovy and the empty pizza box. Yay-4-fotos!]

Now let's see how the same incident would be handled on The Literary Brothel.

The Literary Brothel

"Where in the World is Super Mario?"

Louigi's (sic) is a tiny Italian take-out restaurant near my studio apartment in West Los Angeles. After two years of solo-dwelling, my girlfriend and I were moving in together. I had one week left on my lease, and I had never tried Louigi's.

"We should try that Italian place before we move," suggested my girlfriend.

"I hear it's not that good," I said, watching rainclouds make their way toward my window.

"You told me Lawrence liked it," she said, using what can only be described as 'her memory.'

"He said it's expensive," I replied, using what can only be described as 'my imagination.'

"I have a coupon," countered my girlfriend, seconds before we were out the door on our way to Louigi's.

We got a pizza with anchovies from Louigi's (errantly assuming the place was run by the famed Nintendo character incognito with the extra "o" in his name. Much to our disappointment neither Luigi, his brother, and nor anything resembling Yoshi were to be found) and I was like, 'woah those are big anchovies,' and my girlfriend was like, 'quit being a wuss,' and I was like, 'are you going to eat all your anchovies, because I'm looking for seconds,' and more stuff where I acted real tough, I mean, tuff...

Followed by no pictures.

---

And there you have it. A brief discourse on the difference between a "normal blog post" and The Literary Brothel. I hope you learned something today. I know I have: anchovies are not for everybody tasty.

Seriously.

-KV

---

* This does not apply if you are a friend of mine who blogs and posts pictures. I enjoy ALL your pics, especially the ones of people I have never met and places I will probably never go. Seriously.

I don't go to your job and knock the dicks out of your mouth

If you missed this clip, as we are a site called "The Literary Brothel," it is our duty to show it to you.





My dad (oh no!) who told me about this soundbite made it seem as if Griffin was serious. Upon review, The Literary Brothel has ruled that no, she was not serious, but jokingly ripping on Anderson Cooper to crack up the crew thinking they had gone to commercial.

[Editor's Note: We now have taken the view purported by commenter "Carrie," who thought Kathy was yelling at someone in the crowd. If you watch closely, right before the gaff Griffin is talking to at least two people off camera, then says, "Why is everyone here mocking me?" to Anderson Cooper. It also makes more sense that she is yelling the "dicks" comment if the person is farther away. But with Griffin, you never know. -KV]

Stay classy, Kathy G.

-TLB

Paul Mooney on 9/11

"I haven't seen white folks this scared since the last Indian raid."

-Paul Mooney, from his comedy album Analyzing White America
..
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The Literary Brothel's New Year's Resolutions

Because we're always looking forward, or at least WANT to always be looking forward (see Resolution #7), here is a list of all the things we at The Literary Brothel hope to accomplish in 2009. -KV

The Literary Brothel's New Year's Resolutions

1. Edit and release that damn Best of The Literary Brothel book you've been promised for eight months now.

2. Respond to ALL comments made on our posts. It's one way to thank people for reading, and/or anger them so they curse our name. Hey, at least they'll be saying our name.

3. Exercise regularly.

4. Write post after post with "Wil Wheaton" in the the title as to attract Wesley Crusher himself to the site, and Brothelize a small percentage of his legion of internet fans.

5. Name names.

6. Search for other creative writers. Find at least two other people who are NOT Klaus Varley to write for the site on a regular basis. Reward them with fedoras.

7. Find out what "the kids" are listening to these days. Emulate them. Become cool, but act like you don't care about superficial things like "coolness." Then return to normal, shun your new friends, and convince your old friends that you never forgot about them, even when you were cool. That's looking forward.

8. Write a recurring piece covering the best things about LA. Yes, I said "recurring." There are a lot of great things about LA. I'll show you, you naysayers...

9. Finish that screenplay, sell it, and move to the beach. I mean, closer to the beach.

10. Remember that "New Year's" as in "The Literary Brothel's New Year's Resolutions" has an apostrophe "s" and is NOT spelled "New Years Resolution." Not that I did that this year and had to go back and correct it. Not at all.

-TLB

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What do YOU want to accomplish next year (besides procrastinating all that work nonsense by reading The Literary Brothel at least twice a week)?
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