The Literary Brothel's Top Ten Songs of the Year

The Top Ten Songs I Heard in 2008
Klaus Varley

When not listening to the Pixies, I manage to hear some new music, but not enough to write a top 10 albums list. Instead, here’s a list of ten songs on ten albums released this year.

10. “Orphans” – Beck feat. Cat Power, Modern Guilt
Tracks like “Gamma Ray” ensure Modern Guilt a solid ranking in Beck’s catalog, but it’s “Orphans,” the Beatles-esque, big-beat hippie groove that rocks the popsicle shop.

9. “Loose Lips” – Kimya Dawson, Juno
Yeah, Juno – the movie – was 2007, but “Loose Lips” makes the list on the soundtrack released in 2008. Even if you’re tired of the movie, tired of the soundtrack you’ve heard 1000 times already, tired of Michael Cera (never!), this track lasts.

8. “Half Man” – Black Francis, Svn Fngrs
This seven track taster from Black Francis (formally Frank Black of Frank Black and the Catholics after he was formally Black Francis of the Pixies. He was, however, always Charles Thompson) is inconsistent at best, but in “Half Man” Black is back to his “Teenager of the Year” roots, sounding closer to legendary solo tracks like “Abstract Plane” than he has in years.*

*No research. I know these this stuff like the back of my hand.**
**White skin, veins, hair.

7. “For the Birds” – Earlimart, Hymn and Her
If you don’t know Earlimart, they’re what Wilco would sound like if told they were only allowed to play in the shoegazer genre. Hymn and Her is not quite as good as 2007’s Mentor Tormentor but hell, both albums are freaking fantastic.

6. “J'aime vous voire quitter” – Islands, Arm’s Way
No idea what this song is about, only that it’s an American indie-rock song with a French title.

5. “Great Beyond” Aimee Mann, @#%&*! Smilers
For those who still appreciate the good ol’ singer-songwriter stuff, Aimee Mann is hard to beat. Her new album is solid as hell, and so is this track.

4. “You” – Atmosphere, When Life Gives you Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold
Atmosphere’s wordy, uplifting raps are reminiscent of the stuff coming out in the early 90s before Dre, Snoop, and Biggie took gangstas to a new height. Yeah, I know there’s a dearth of hip-hop on this list. Coincidentally there’s also a dearth of hip-hop in the “New Music File” at UCLA Radio.

3. “Four Provinces” – The Walkmen, You & Me
For a group that is Bob Dylan with worse lyrics but better back-up band, I’m not sure why The Walkmen aren’t more popular.

2. “Girls” – Walter Meego, Voyager
“Everything I do, I do it for a girl, I do it for a girl, I do it for a girl.” Meego keeps it simple and dancy. If this track doesn’t get the booty off the chair, nothing will.

1. “Body” – Mother Mother, O My Heart
This is probably the best album of 2008 and “Body” is its top tune, nudging out “Body of Years” (what’s with all the bodies?), “Wisdom,” and the title track, “Oh My Heart” (holy smokes, this whole album is about bodies!) because lyrics like “I’ve grown tired of this body / cumbersome and heavy body” not only sound real, but feel real. And the music is great too. For real.

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Why isn’t your favorite song of 2008 on this list? Probably because I didn’t hear it.
So which tracks did I leave out? Comment, or heck, send the song to me – literarybrothel at gmail dot com.

Be legal.

Whatever that means.

-KV

The Great Vodka Taste Test of 2008

FYI: Even though this post arrives the day after Xmas, this all went down a few weeks ago. I'm just letting you know so there are no preconceived notions about how we here at The Literary Brothel celebrate the holidays. We would never, ever, EVER drink vodka on Christmas. Now, cider on the other hand... -KV

July 2009 Update: There is now a VIDEO of the taste test! Enjoy! -KV

The Great Vodka Taste Test of 2008
Klaus Varley

Some people think they can tell good vodka from bad vodka, top shelf from bottom shelf, Russian from Ukrainian, etc. We set out to prove that those people are fools. Drunken, drunken fools.

Grey Goose, Skyy, Stolichnaya (Stoli), Absolut, Tito’s (sold only at Trader Joe’s) and Prestige Vodka from the fine distillers of the Ralphs Supermarket (Kroger Corporation). Six vodkas,* five people, one toilet.

If this were the first year of The Brothel (2001), we would have needed the toilet. As is, with years of life experience under our belts we knew to sip the vodka, not shoot it.**

Seven cups, seven numbers. I wrote the labels of the vodkas on a piece of paper and when it was my turn, I did it blindfolded and someone else wrote down my ratings. I couldn’t tell who it was – I was blindfolded.

Matt’s girlfriend went first.*** While she wouldn’t allow us to film her reactions, they were, as the commercial says, priceless.

On a scale of one to ten – ten being the best as it is in most scales from one to ten yet a point we had to clarify – Matt’s girlfriend gave Grey Goose a 5, Prestige a 4, and Tito’s an 8. Her favorite was Prestige Filtered (10). Her “this is nasty, I can’t believe I’m doing this, aren’t we too old for this shit” face was reserved for Skyy Vodka, which she gave a 1.

My girlfriend went next. How did we talk our girlfriends into doing this? “Hey baby, Matt’s/Klaus’s girlfriend is doing it.” Peer pressure truly runs the world.

My girlfriend is a devout lover of Absolut. She did admit however, that her fondness for the vodka could be partially due to Absolut’s clever marketing campaign. You know the one; it’s the Absolut bottle, but it’s blue. It's the Absolut bottle, but it’s red. It's the Absolut bottle, but it’s really Mt. Everest shaped like an Absolut bottle. Still don't know it? Sheesh.



Would my girlfriend rank Absolut above the rest in the Great Vodka Taste Test of 2008? The short answer is, no. The longer answer is: when she took a sip of the one that turned out to be Absolut, the words out of her mouth were, “This is definitely not Absolut. Too harsh.” She ranked Stoli above the rest, but no Vodka got higher than a 7.

Matt stepped up and proceeded to rank the Vodkas nearly opposite to his girlfriend, save Absolut and Stoli, which he ranked 5 and 8.5 respectively. He gave Grey Goose a 2. Somewhere in France, a Vodka maker shed a tear.

Howard – the good sport even though he's sorta a fifth wheel – was not fooled by Prestige Filtered, giving it a 4. His favorite was Grey Goose, somewhat resurrecting its recent battering with an 8.

And then it was my turn. I too, said “harsh,” when I took a sip of what turned out to be Absolut. Tito’s, while strong, went down easier than most, with no after taste. I gave it a 7, because hell, it still burned. It’s still plain vodka. Where’s our mixers?

Could the test be flawed because tasters like my girlfriend and myself obviously have little fondness for straight vodka, giving no vodka higher than a rating of 7? Indeed it could. We tallied the results anyway.

Out of a possible 50 points (1-10 per taster)

Stolichnaya: 35.5
Prestige Filtered: 29
Prestige: 28.5
Absolut: 28
Tito’s Vodka: 28
Grey Goose: 25
Skyy: 24.5

Basically, we couldn’t tell the difference between Prestige, Absolut, Tito’s, Grey Goose, and Skyy. This leads us to believe there is NO WAY you’d be able to tell if it were in a mixed drink. Think you can? I’ll bet you a shot you’re wrong.

The winner? Stoli, obviously. Or is it obvious? The 750 ml bottle of Stoli cost approximately $20. The same size bottle of Prestige: $5.99. Considering that Prestige scored higher than Absolut, Skyy, and Grey Goose, it’s hard to argue against it.

The other winners: the marketing departments for Absolut, Skyy, and Grey Goose. Through clever ads and fancy packaging they bamboozle us into thinking we’re drinking something that tastes better than that ugly Ralphs brand in the plastic bottle.

But, we’re not.

Someone pointed out that this was just a taste test, and that more distilled vodkas like Grey Goose and Tito’s might give you less of a hangover. True, but if people only drank drinks in preference of preventing hangovers, no one would ever drink champagne. Especially if they have church in the morning the next day. Never ever, ever.

Upon hearing the results of the test, Parker Briggsmore’s only response was, “Coffee filters? I’ve never heard of that. But I did see this episode of 'Myth Busters' where they filtered vodka through a Brita.”

Thus began the planning for The Great Vodka Taste Test of Early 2009. See you there.

-KV

---
* While there were six vodkas, there were seven cups of vodka. Matt heard that if you took the cheapest vodka and filtered it through a coffee filter (or four) it could compare to top shelf brands. And so in this test there is “Prestige” and there is “Prestige Filtered.”

** And not dare each other to shoot it. And not play blackjack for shots. And especially not bet who can take the most shots to blow the highest reading on Mike’s new pocket Breathalyzer. Um, 2001 was a crazy year, from what I remember.

*** “Matt’s girlfriend” and “my girlfriend” go unnamed in this piece for practical purposes. As in, “they PRACTICALLY don’t want us using their names on this website.

..
.

Fun Facts about Xmas

Yes, we celebrate Christmas here at The Literary Brothel, but a big shout out goes to Chanukah AND Hanukkah (as well as Hanukah) for being the hardest holiday to spell. -KV

Some FUN Facts about Christmas
Brought to you by the boys and girls at The Literary Brothel

-Christmas is primarily a 19th century creation coinciding with the Second Great Awakening, the rise of the middle class and a desire for more family-friendly holidays.

-Christmas was originally a pagan holiday banned by the Puritans because of its reputation for violence and public drunkenness.

-The Santa Claus figure we know today was created by Thomas Nast and popularized by the Coca-Cola company (who around that time enhanced their beverage with a substance we know today as cocaine).

-Jesus Christ was not born on December 25th (or even in the year 0, for that matter).

-Christmas survived mainly due to the advent of mass media and rise in consumerism of the 20th century.

-Due to the facts above, we at The Brothel are unsure why people so ardently defend Christmas as a "traditional" holiday.

-Facts about Christmas, no matter how "fun," aren't nearly as fun as getting presents and relaxing with your family.

Yes, even The Literary Brothel gets a little sentimental at Christmastime. Feel the love.

-TLB

(Sources: The Battle for Christmas by Stephen Nissembaum and Christmas in America by Penne L. Restad. Yes, we read those books...mostly.)

Movie Review: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (No Spoilers)

Though we use a lot of fake names here at The Brothel, I assure you this piece was not written by me, Script Doctor Eric, DJ Octoon, or any one else who has contributed to the site in the past. It was written by a friend who we're going to try to get to write for us regularly - a friend who has some sweet connections and got to go to an early screening. Really, a friend. I'm not going to write "seriously," because that might negate my sincerity. -KV

A Movie Review: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (No Spoilers)
by Langdon Auger


As a David Fincher fan (Fight Club, Seven, Zodiac) I am quite disappointed to say Benjamin Button is an awful film. Two hours and forty-five minutes to tell the story of a man who ages backwards for some reason. It's never really explained and it never seems to impact the story. And as if it's the most normal thing in the world, nobody acknowledges that the guy ages backwards.

Also confusing is the relationship Button has with his adopted mother. He gets abandoned by his dad and is raised by an African American lady in Louisiana. Is 1920s New Orleans so forward thinking that nobody from the local government wants to intervene when a black woman raises a white baby? Of course I'm fine with mixed race families, but I am not fine with movies that are this fundamentally ignorant of history. Everyone in 1920s New Orleans is okay with a black woman raising a white kid? Maybe that's why this is called a fantasy film.

This mother character also has the most ambiguous job. At first she seems to be a maid in a retirement home, but as the story progresses it looks like she owns the place because I never see a boss or anything. So this is an independent black woman in 1920s New Orleans who raises an abandoned white child while owning her own retirement home comprised of elderly-white-southern people who don't seem to mind being told what to do by this woman. Again, no one in the movie even seems to acknowledge how unlikely this situation would be.

It's a silly movie because it is supposed to be this profound treatise on life, love, and death and never really makes any sincere comment on life love or death. It treats it superficially and a bunch of teeny-bopper girls in love with Brad Pitt will confuse it with philosophy. Maybe i have seen too many Woody Allen movies to take this superficial tripe, or maybe i just saw the same subject matter dealt with more satisfactorily by Charlie Kaufman's "Synechdoche, New York."

I also have problems with the setting of the story. It is told in flashbacks as Cate Blanchette is in a hospital during hurricane Katrina. I will give a bright shiny nickel to whoever can tell me what the significance of hurricane Katrina was to the story. No one can do it because it was nothing but a cheap attempt to piggy-back off the national sympathies towards New Orleans. I heard David Fincher talk about directing this movie and even he couldn't tell us why. He just said it was a big event. Thanks douche bag, thanks for making the movie so long and pointless.

Also during the talk, Fincher admitted he had never read the short story the movie is based on. Jeez, you cant be bothered to read the 20 pages of source material to learn that this is not a story which should be blown up to a nearly three hour film?

Some other points:

-Just because it's long doesn't make it an epic.

-Just because it's sad doesn't mean it's dramatic.

-Just because it's an accent doesnt mean it's acting
(But Cate Blanchette rocks)

-Just because it's Fincher, doesnt mean it's good

-Just because there are conflicts with the studio doesn't mean it has artistic credibility. (Sometimes studios step in and interfere because an egotistical director has blown the budget of a small art house film up to 150 million dollars because he has to have digital effects for a story conceit that doesn't make that much sense and isnt all that important.)

Other than that, it's not a bad movie. Good visual effects, for sure.

-TLB

Bukowski Quote on Poetry

"what's wrong with poetics, generally, and what a man really NEEDS...you know, when he comes home after they've clubbed him to death, after he comes home with his 3 or 4 greasy pennies of pay and there is the old lady with hair uncombed, yellow teeth, on the phone, running up the phone bill with insane and unreal woman talk; the kids glad to see you - but just for a moment - like a new toy - and you know you ain't you, you're just a dirty dishrag or gum under the seat, you're just stale piss clubbed with a flyswatter. then tell what KIND of poetry is needed..."

-Charles Bukowski, July, 1968
from Selected Letters Volume 2

10 Mistakes to Avoid When Applying for a Job

This piece is from guest contributor "Loma," which - if you couldn't guess by the quotes around her singular-worded moniker - is not her real name. -KV

Top 10 mistakes to avoid when applying for a job
by Loma

DO NOT:

# 10 - Use cute abbreviations as though you were firing off a text message to a friend, as in "Pls see the attached resume and letter. Thx."

# 9 - Send your resume from an unusual e-mail address, like bigmoerocks@yahoo or lovezthempinups@aol.

# 8 - Write your entire cover letter and resume in ALL CAPS.

# 7 - Make your cover letter one long 300-word paragraph. That is a lot of paragraph.

# 6 - Attach a photo of yourself. e.g. A glamour shot, or a photo "taken last night" in your apartment.

# 5 - Write in your introductory e-mail, before anyone has offered you a job, that you expect to receive X amount in salary, plus medical coverage, plus car-related expenses.

# 4 - Submit a resume that has zero relevance to the job opening, with no cover letter explaining how anything you've done is in any way relevant.

# 3 - Make really standout spelling errors, like

* "Goo morning!"
* "My salry expetation is no less than $40K."

# 2 - Attach two resumes that list totally different companies you've "worked" for. Over the exact same time frame.

# 1 - Be weird. By writing, for example, that you are like Kobe Bryant except that your MVP stands for "Multi-Talented, Victorious, and Persistent."

-TLB

[We promise the next post will not be a top ten list, though they are catchy and easy to read, don'tchathink?]

--

10 Things Guys REALLY Want for Christmas

This is more like a Maxim article than a Brothel piece. Hey, we're branching out... Or are we? -KV

Ten Things Guys REALLY Want for X-mas
Klaus Varley

Though most guys will deny it to their girls from here to eternity, below are ten things most men (except your man, of course) would seriously love to get in their stockings.

10. XBOX 360 All the other guys have it. Hey, we can get Rock Band honey, and you can play drums.

9. Motorcycle Any kind will do.

8. 58-inch Plasma HDTV Don't care if it's plasma, rear-projection or made of chipmunks, as long as it works.

7. Rio Brands Foldaway Octagon Poker Table Not to be too specific, but baby, it's only a hundred bucks.

6. Punching Bag and Gloves We like to hit things. I don't know why.

5. Dog Guys love dogs. Except for me; I'm allergic. Seriously (pathetic).

4. Electric Guitar Every guy wants to be a rock star. The more he denies it, the more you'll know it's true.

3. An original Optimus Prime in Shrink Wrap This is only for certain guys. Some people call them nerds. We call them Parker Briggsmore.

2. Stand-up Arcade Game to Put Next to the new Pool Table This is more like two gifts - two GREAT gifts.

1. Angelina Jolie Except for me; I'm allergic. Seriously.


-KV

The 10 Worst Christmas Presents to Give / Receive

This should make your holiday shopping a little easier. No need to thank us; we're here to help. -KV

The Ten Worst X-mas Presents to Give (or Receive)
-Klaus Varley

10. War and Peace Seems like a good idea for the "reader" in the family. Only problem is, they can't thank you for at least six years...or if they read slowly, six-hundred years.

9. Kittens While cute and cuddly for a while, kittens grow in to cats, and cats live forever.

8. Colored Socks Athletics socks are OK. Colored socks are just racist. Please people, the term is "African-American socks." Get with it.

7. Diet Books You might as well slap your cousin in the face and call her fat.

6. Zap Stick Stun Gun in Pink The only thing worse than being robbed is giving throwing the robber into cardiac arrest and then having to revive him. Instead, try one of these alternatives: Pepper Spray, Self-Defense Classes, or maybe an old-fashioned "promise to not get drunk and take that dark alley shortcut."

5. Puppies See Kittens.

4. Drum Set A good gift ONLY if your friend/relative is roommates with your mortal enemy.

3. Tampons Even as a joke, this does not fly. Trust me.

2. Lars and the Real Girl Sure, Lars is a good movie, but most people haven't seen it or heard of it. All they know is they just got a DVD with a blow-up doll on the cover.

1. Candy Land Screw you, Gum Drop Mountain.

-KV

Quote from Graham Green on Writing

"Only stop when it's going well."

-Graham Greene

Mitch Hedberg Quote on Drugs

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."

-Mitch Hedberg

Los Angeles Metblog featuring Wil Wheaton

If you're not familiar with Metblogs (and stubbornly refuse to click links on websites with "Brothel" in their name) they are one of those multi-blogger sites where a bunch of people chime in on a shared topic. On Metblogs people blog about their city. (In case you couldn't tell by its name)

Sounds boring, right?

Actually, it is. Mostly.

On the Los Angeles site (LA.Metblogs.com) there are a predictable number of postings on traffic, sushi, but other shout outs to things like the LA Auto Show - not what you'd expect from a city filled with hipster bloggers, m-i-rite?

That's because LA Metblogs has so much more than hipsters.

It also has movie stars.

That is, if you consider Wil Wheaton a movie star. Which of course, we here at The Brothel, proudly do. Wesley Crusher? Gordie from Stand by Me? Wheaton - if you've been following him (and I know you have, don't lie) - has truly gone where no man has gone before, transitioning from actor to blogger to author, and consistently dabbling in all three.


Don't believe me? Check Wil Wheaton's Blog that is far more popular than The Brothel or even LA Metblog.*

I know what you're thinking - how much did Wil Wheaton pay you to write this?

Answer: Nothing. Not everyone in LA is friends with a celebrity.

But didn't you say you were friends with that guy from Harold and Kumar?

Yeah, okay, everyone in LA has ONE celebrity friend; but Wil ain't mine.

Unless Kal keeps ignoring my calls. Then you never know.

-KV


* Google Rankings: WilWheaton.net = 6; LA.Metblog.com = 3; TheLiteraryBrothel.com = 4. Seriously...

10 Reasons to go to Graduate School

People often ask why I went back to grad school. I usually make up some story about how I want to teach, and an advanced degree gives me more options about where and what kind of classroom I can get paid to run.

Of course, that's bologna. Here are the real reasons to go to graduate school.

1. You have time to blog. I mean, study.

2. There are no deadlines. Okay, not true - there are deadlines but they're more like suggestions. Ominous suggestions.

3. If you get to campus before 10 AM you're a go-getter. In the working world they just call that "normal."

4. Undergrads value your advice. Not really, but they have to listen to it anyway since you grade them.

5. You work in a fairly safe, clean environment. Alright, it's not that clean, and safe as long as you don't mind get tasered once in a while.

6. Learning is more fun when you don't get graded and get to take whichever classes you're in the mood for... Which is NOT what happens in grad school. Okay, every once in a while, but hey, I always wanted to get units for rock climbing, didn't you?

7. Learning is free. At some colleges. Not this one.

8. The library is open late. Providing a good excuse for your non-existent social life.

9. The vending machines have decent coffee. And sandwiches. Man, I really don't have a life.

10. The chicks are great. Ha. Kidding. A joke! Heh. Seriously, that's a quote from Almost Famous. In no way do we here at The Literary Brothel condone engaging in relations (sexual or otherwise) with undergraduates...or other graduate students for that matter. They're a depressing bunch.

-KV

PS. Apologies for the crass ending on the otherwise clean and clever piece. But hey, this is The Literary Brothel - what did you expect?

PS2. Apologies for that post script where I called my piece "clever." What I meant to say was "pretentious. Very, very pretentious. Pretentious enough to write a post script...or two.

---end---
--seriously--

Charles Bukowski Quote - On His Column "Notes of a Dirty Old Man"

"I don't think the stories are dirty. when they lean to sex, and many of them do, I believe that sex is a very tragic and a very laughable matter - see Boccaccio, The Decameron. we are all so ludicrous and lousy with our miserable sex organs. I hope that if you read these stories, you will understand, not misunderstand the intent."

-Charles Bukowski, February, 1969

Jack in the B-Fish: A New Controversial Logo

You may recall this piece a while back about the controversy surrounding the Petco Logo (Is the cat first? Is the dog first? Is this really a controversy?). Alas my friends, a new controversy is in our midst, and we didn't even know it.

Until now.

What is the secret whose name dare not be spoken until the designated point in time which by all intents and purposes is right now, designated by me, Klaus V?

Well?

Well, okay, let's all take a deep breath, for a piece of our childhood is about to be taken from us.

What I mean by that is, the Jack in the Box logo has become nonsense.

Oh, you think you can read it. You think it's just the words "Jack in the Box" tilted to one side, akin to the Home Depot logo (which also has some suspicious things going on...).

But you would be wrong.

Dead wrong.

Okay, not "dead" wrong, but wrong nonetheless. Scroll up and look at the JintheB logo again. Let's take it word by word:

JACK - Looks pretty good, EXCEPT THAT THE "C" AND THE "K" ARE CONNECTED WHO CONNECTS A "C" AND "K" THAT'S NOT A LETTER!

No need to get excited, you say? It's just a slight connection of letters, you mime?

Alright, we'll give you that one. But let's move on. The next word is...

IN - Is normal.

But...

THE - Where the hell did the "H" go? It's been absorbed into the E! It's now more like "TE" or "TL" than "THE." You will not be forgotten, eigt letter of the alpabet.

BOX - Just when you thought the THE was bad, take a look at BOX. O and X have fused to become the Christian symbol of the fish.

So what have we got?

JAK IN TE B-FISH

JAK IN TE B-FISH?

What happened to the Jack in the Box of our youth? The one with the ecoli scares and the 99 cent tacos?

Apparently, it has been replaced. By JAK IN TE B-FISH.

Long live the B-fish.

-KV

---

Special thanks to Loma for pointing out the connected letters...and for tolerating my doubting of her eyesight before I got another glance at the JintheB logo. What I meant to say was, good eyes, girl!

reasons to vote yes on prop 8 charles bukowski quotes michael phelps asshole boobie games brothel

As you may or may not have guessed from the title, this is one of those posts where we tell you some of the top keywords that lead people to The Literary Brothel and speculate as to what-on-Earth people were actually looking for when they searched for these things. See, it's not all mumbo-jumbo all of the time. -KV


AND NOW, SOME KRAZY KEYWORDS THAT LET PEOPLE TO THE LITERARY BROTHEL THIS PAST MONTH


"confusing words school texas" - Are "texas" and "school" the confusing words to which you refer? If so, my head is doing some confusing right now.

"brothels downtown los angeles" - You think it's that easy to find a brothel in the great city of Los Angeles? Well, you're probably right. But it ain't here.

"cool fun facts about nevada" - First of all, "cool" and "fun" should never come before the word "facts." Facts are boring. Facts are dry. Has high school science taught you nothing?

"klaus varley banned gay marriage" - Woah, slow down with the accusations. That article (10 Reasons to Vote Yes on Proposition 8) is actually AGAINST Proposition 8. I know, you have to read carefully. Sorry about that.

"tucker bounds sexy" - Who are you, and why are you visiting our site, Ann Coulter?

"cool asshole" - I think the word your searching for is "oxymoron."

-KV

ps. Yeah, that's it. Hey, it's not our fault there weren't that many crazy search words. Next time search "domino apple bean salad jumper lion" so we have something to write about. Seriously, search it. Ha, welcome back!

Tales from Black Friday - Part I: Costco's Polish Dog

TALES FROM BLACK FRIDAY - PART I: COSTCO'S POLISH DOG
Klaus Varley

One of the best things about Costco is its incredibly low-priced food court. I know what you're thinking, "Is it really a food court if it's just a couple of windows and a seating area?"

Answer: Yes it is.

So, I was standing in line at the food court in Costco, when I overhear the girl in an adjacent line say to her friend, "I'm going to get the polish dog."

See how I didn't capitalize "polish?" That's because she said "polish" and not "Polish." A polish dog. A hot dog made of polish. Like nail polish.

Now, I've gotten a few Polish dogs in my time, but never, NEVER had I heard it mispronounced. Had she never been to a baseball game? Had she fallen asleep during geography class AND during every single lesson on WWII?

Perhaps.

But I quickly realized that this girl's lack of geography was the least problematic part of her statement. The most frightening part was, of course, that even though she thought this hot dog might be made of polish, she still wanted to eat it. "Mmmm, that polish dog will go well with my Clorox shake and Pine-Sol pudding."

Or maybe she has build up a tolerance for polish, has been drinking a little each day (Monday - silver polish; Tuesday - car polish) working up to this point, this moment when she can digest the polish dog in all its poisonous glory.

Or maybe it's a simple mistake. After all, the letters were all caps: POLISH DOG

Or maybe she drinks cleaning fluids for fun.

Or maybe we'll never know.

-KV

Very Nearly Hitting One Bird While Scaring Many Off at the Same Time

Below are some ramblings about the new screenplay* I'm writing...These ramblings should help me with the story, but also do the double duty of being a post on The Brothel.

This is what you might call, "killing two birds with one stone." However, I've thrown a lot of rocks at birds in my time, and if I've learned anything (besides what the fastest way is to make my Mom angry) is that it's freaking hard to hit a bird with a stone. To KILL TWO of them with one rock? No way.

A better catch phrase describing getting multiple things at once might be, "very nearly hitting one bird while scaring many off at the same time." In fact, I will say that from now on.

Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving, if you celebrate Thanksgiving. -KV

The Romance Department
Soon to be a Script by Klaus Varley

Right now, it's just a bunch of ramblings

In fact, if you get confused, I completely understand.

Because I too, am a little confused.

Alright, let's see what we've got:


Zach's company makes cleaning products.

[Possible company names: AmmoniasRUs, Magic Clean, Godliness Inc., ScrubLess...]

But Zach is tired of making cleaning products. He wants a change.

[What is going on with Zach? Zach needs a back story.]

Possibilities for Zach's Backstory:
-Zach suffered through a recent divorce, his therapist instructs him to make changes in his life
-Zach inherited the company - his father died a few months back; he's the new CEO, wants to do new things.

Zach sets up a meeting with his board. It's secretive. They watch six employees from a hidden room, with monitors. The traits of the employees are fed to Zach from his board. One girl can't show up on time; one guy writes too many notes. They spot AL on screen. Al does the least amount of work possible. He has shortcuts for his shortcuts, and spends the rest of the day napping. "He's the one," says Zach.

Hilarity ensues.

...

I can see this exercise expanding more than anticipated, so instead of consuming the entire Brothel by this post, I will leave the rest of the story to your imagination.

In other words, hilarity ensues.

The Romance Department - Coming soon to a theater near you, if "soon" means many, many years from now.

But, you never know.

But don't hold your breath.

Or throw rocks at birds.

-KV


* Screenwriting is a requirement of living in Los Angeles.

I get older, but my asian friends stay the same age

The title of the post is not really true, but sounds funny. I really just wanted to post something light. The anti-mormon post kinda brought down the vibe of the site.

And we can't have a low vibe on thanksgiving.

That's what that Wooderson is for. Happy Thanksgiving, Dazed and Confused fans...

-TLB

Church of Moron - and other fun names for the Mormon Church

We here at The Brothel don't advocate slander, but if you're going to slander, you might as well slander a large religious-based cult that uses its money and influence to deny citizens rights.*

Right?

Relax, they can take it. The sense of humor of a Mormon is purported to be twice that of an ordinary, non-apocalypse fearing human.

So, for all you haters out there, here's a list of some not-so-nice names people are calling The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints these days. (Note: Some names we just made up, because hey, research is freakin' hard...) -KV


ALTERNATIVE NAMES FOR THE MORMON CHURCH
Compiled by The Literary Brothel

-Church of Moron

-Stupids

-Bright Eyed Jesus Freaks

-Missionaries and More

-MorMen and their Wives

-Racism Co.

-A Feast of Fools

-The Crazy Religion filled with hot girls who wait until marriage

-Homophobes R Us

-The Mormon Cult

-A Religion of People like Stephenie Meyer

-A Religion of Snowboarders

-A Religion of People like Brandon Flowers

-Candy Land (Don't ask)

-A Religion of People they make fun of on South Park

and...

MORmONS

Yeah, that's all we've got. Feel free to make up your own.

See, it's not so easy to hate.

Or is it?

You tell me, dummy.

-TLB

---

*I'm referring, of course, to Proposition 8 in California, but this is not the first time Mormons have gotten out of line. Please read Jon Krakauer's awesomely amazing Under the Banner of Heaven for all the goodies on the LDS, Brigham Young, and more!

Charles Bukowski Quote - Being Old and Writing

"I don't mean that you have to be OLD to write, but I do mean that if you are OLD and can still write and have sailed some bloody ships, you've got a little edge."

-Charles Bukowski, August 1st, 1969

Ten Life Lessons Learned from the Musical Les Miserables (Broadway Version)

Ten Life Lessons Learned from the Musical Les Miserables (Broadway Version)
Klaus Varley

10. Sitting flat on your butt doesn't buy any bread.

9. Guys named Marius are often late to important meetings and then blame their tardiness on love.

8. Obscure French student revolutions can be meaningful as long as a novel and musical are written about them.

7. Avoid anyone who proclaims they are "Master of the House."

6. If you escape from prison and want to reinvent yourself, move really far away, not just to the next town. Maybe even to another country. Somewhere where you won't be recognized. And for god sakes, don't become a prominent member of your new society. Lay low!

5. When in need of drinking tunes, simply recycle melodies from your years as a revolutionary. Don't forget to change the lyrics to fit your current situation (before: revolution now: inebriation)

4. If you leave your daughter for years with shady inn-keepers, don't expect to get her back for cheap.

3. When stealing a loaf of bread, do not break a window pane. The cop can use that as an excuse to hunt you for the rest of his life.

2. "Lovely" ladies sometimes ain't so lovely.

1. When singing songs containing your prison number, always draw out the last digit (ie: two, four, six, oh, oooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeee!). It's a good way to express that you disagree with the court's decision and feel the punishment was too harsh for your crime.

-KV

Why We Have So Many Bukowski Quotes on The Brothel and What it Says About Society

Why Do We Have So Many Bukowski Quotes on The Literary Brothel?
Klaus Varley

To answer to the title question: Charles Bukowski Selected Letters sits atop my toilet, along with an old issue of Entertainment Weekly that proclaims to list of the "Top 1000 best movies, TV Shows, Albums, Books and More of the last 25 years!" So it's either post a quote from Buk or EW. Buk usually wins.

But lets talk about EW.

Top 1000? By all calculations, a hundred movies, and a hundred shows, cds and books is only four hundred. That means there are six hundred "mores." What are these "mores?" Websites, video games, Broadway shows (there were 100 Broadway shows in the last 25 years?) and...more? Needless to say, I haven't gotten all the way through the issue.

But I did get through Bukowski's Letters, Volume II. Its cover doesn't sport Harry Potter, Beyonce, Bono, and Will Smith, (where are the Broadway actors? the websites?) but it has the goods. They're inside.

The words, baby, the words.

(Speaking of words, what you don't know about the paragraph before last is that I wrote "their inside," and moved on. If we were in a typewriter age, our zine would suffer. "Look at this guy; he doesn't know "they're from their." Let's get some comics and get out of this hippie book store.")

I originally started this entry thinking I wanted to write something about Bukowski, something about how I finished the second volume and am moving on to the third, something about how there's nothing like appreciating #2 when you're reading Bukowski.

But I can't even say it. I can't even make the joke...

Or can I?

I can.

You see, when I was talking about #2, I was talking about poo.

Done. With Bukowski. For today.

The top entertainment technological advancement of the past 25 years is the DVD player? Over the Mp3? Over CD ripping technology? What a debate.

-KV

A Bukowski Quote where he Quotes Someone Else

"...but, basically, you have a right to publish anybody you want to. I think of something John Thomas told me one night, 'No matter what you do, a certain number of people are going to dislike it, others will like it, and the vast majority will not give a damn one way or the other.' Once you understand this, the snipers will not make so much difference."

-Charles Bukowski to John Martin, June 22, 1970

Top 10 Errors of (not so) Smart Type

The Top Ten Errors of Smart Type
Klaus Varley

If your cell phone is like mine, it has a text-message function pretentiously named "smart-type." Well, this so-called "smart" type has the propensity to make a number of errors. He

Below are the top 10 not-so-smart corrections of a program that often fails to live up to its name. (If it seems like I'm hard on SmartType, it's because it's not a person, and if SmartType's creator has nothing to do but Google "SmartType Criticisms," well, that creator needs to get a lied. I mean, life.)

1. good = home = gone = hood = hoof = hone = goof

This is the biggest one. "See you at good," she accidentally writes. Where the hell is Good? What time are you getting there? And who else is going? Are they bringing their hot friends? Send directions to Good!

2. lips = kiss = lisp

This one is problematic because you could potentially write "I want to kiss your lisp." Even if that is true, those with lisps prefer it to not be phrased quite like that.

3. on = no = om

Frustrating, since I write "no" far more often then "on." Example, "No, no, do not tempt a Russian Mig. Kenny Loggins sang 'Danger Zone' for a reason."

4. bad = ace = abe

Two Old Testament references ("bad," "abe") and what McCain's superiors in the Navy nicknamed him after he crashed THREE planes (and before he was a POW) "Here comes Ace McCain!" joked the Admirals. Snickers were then heard. And possibly also eaten. If Snickers - the candy bar - was invented back then. (You see, John McCain is old...)

Note: This piece was written before the election - thus the McCain joke. How quickly jokes become anachronistic!

5. case = care = base = card = bare = bard = cape = acre

Wow, lots of danger here. Especially for Superman's texts, "Lois, did you

6. are = ape

Another dangerous association, for the wrong word here could send a very strange message, ie: "What ape we doing tonight?" If your friend answers "Koko," run.

7. in = go = im = ho = io = hm = gm

Inconvenient, since all of these words are often used in one sentence, such as "ho, im'a go to the gm in io...lol...sry, io is a mn on jptr.."

8. have = gave = hate = gate = gaud

Two dangers: You might mistakenly give bad directions using slang for a deity, "Turn left past the gaud," or errantly explain your antisemitism to your Klan friends, "I gave Jews."

9. sad = pad = rad

Difficult to convey your depression when you tell a friend, "I'm so rad."

10. see = red = ref = pee

If you accidentally tell a date "I can pee you from here," be ready to explain common errors of Smart Type. Feel free to reference this article.

-KV

Celebrities Get Off Their Asses and Help Make Real Change

Charlie sent this sometime last month before the election. Why didn't he put it up himself? Because it didn't have an ending. Still, we really meant to finish it for him before the election, but we didn't. And by "we," I mean, me, Klaus Varley. I've got my own stuff to write. Seriously. -KV


Celebrities Get Off Their Asses and Help Make Real Change
Charlie Luzon

Nov. 4th, 2008 - Los Angeles

In a never-before-seen move in the history of celebrity culture, actors, movie-makers, and just plain famous people from across the Southland showed up at voting booths, encouraging passerby's to vote.

The goal, said organizer Leonardo DiCaprio, was "to get at least one famous person at each polling place." In face, their support of suffrage was so overwhelming, that not only did every polling place in Los Angeles County have a famous person in attendance, some had two or three.

"I never thought I'd see David Hasselhoff and Michael Chabon in the same room together," said one bewildered voter, "but it was cool."

Others were not so enthusiastic about the program.

"I got up at six so I could be one of the first people to vote, not see old-ass Pamela Anderson in a bikini, using her fake breasts as a voting guide dispenser," said Melinda Doheny, a resident of Cerritos.

Her brother Jared, however, disagreed.

"It was so awesome. I wish I could vote every day."

So do we, Jared. So do we.

Actually, we don't. Once every year or two is really enough.

We have important things to do.

Like blogging?

This isn't a blogging! This is creating fake news reports!

Like The Onion?

The Onion? What's that?

Seriously.

-CL

The Top 5 Most Homophobic Counties in California

The Top Five Most Homophobic Counties in California
by Klaus Varley

Note: Homophobic percentages derived from the percentage of people in each county who voted in favor of Proposition 8. Special shout-out to the LA Times and their results by county map.

5. Madera County - 73.4% Homophobic

You might recognize this county from recent news reports: officials from Madera County discovered the bones of that missing adventurer Steve Fossett. Unreported, however, was another investigation: Officials from Madera County also looked into their own bodies and were delighted to discover "not a gay bone anywhere."

4. Kings County - 73.8% Homophobic

Kings County is not one "king's" county, but the county of "kings," plural. Turns out the kings living in Kings County are some of the most homophobic kings throughout the land. A place where on any given weekday, squire and noblemen can join together in tavern after tavern to chant the simple, yet age-old homophobic adage, "This is kings county, not queens county."

3. Modoc County - 74.3% Homophobic

Where? Oh, the north-east corner of the state. According to the Census Bureau, Modoc County has less than 10,000 people, and is 80.7% white. The sexual orientation of its citizens may reveal something about its homophobia rate, as 90% responded "heterosexual" and 10% "of course I'm heterosexual, thanks for asking in front of my family and friends."

2. Kern County - 75.3% Homophobic

The only county on the list with a major city (sorry, Madera is not a major city). Bakersfield is home to Buck Owens' Crystal Palace, which is listed as "Buck Owen's Crystal Palace" on their website, but "Buck Owens' Crystal Palace" on their sign. Bakersfield may be confused about how to punctuate their largest tourist attraction, but they are not confused about whether gay people should be allowed to marry. "Hells no. Punctuate THAT, city boy."

And the most homophobic county in California is...

1. Tulare County - 75.4% Homophobic

Tulare County is known by those of us from Central California as that long, boring-ass stretch on Highway 99 between Bakersfield and Fresno. You just go straight for what seeems like forever. A gay friend of mine once said, "you don't go straight, you go foward." But in Tulare County, even he doesn't think about going anywhere but straight...out of town. As fast as he can.

-KV

5 Reasons McCain Lost

Five Reasons John McCain Lost the 2008 Presidential Race
by Klaus Varley


5. YouTube

Most people fail to realize that this is the first Presidential election in the time of YouTube. Not significant? Before YouTube, you could say things like "don't vote for McCain, he jokes about bombing Iran," and it has some affect. But when you can say, "hey, look at this clip of the 72 year-old candidate caught singing "Bomb bomb Iran," and afterwards watch the 47 year-old candidate give a phenomenal speech, well, YouDo the math.

4. The Financial Crisis

One candidate seemed to at least have some understanding of economics, and that candidate was not John McCain. Didn't help that McCain admitted his lack of knowledge on the subject at least three times, and pledged to defer to his Vice President. It also didn't help that he has at least seven houses. As Chris Rock said, "I'm voting for the guy with one house. John McCain can lose half his houses and still sleep comfortably."

3. He was on the Republican Ticket

With the economy kaput and a never ending war under their belt, Republicans are on the outs. Anyone running with an (R) next to their name was going to have an uphill battle. And when McCain flip-flopped on most of the issues that made him stand out from the party, he went from "Maverick" to "mave(R)ick."

2. Katie Couric

Lobbing questions at Sarah Palin that any third-grader could answer (such as "Which publications do you get your news from?") somehow became a clear-cut argument for why Palin was unqualified to become Vice President. You have to wonder if Couric had harder questions written...("If she can't name one freakin' newspaper or magazine, it looks like I won't need to go into what she thinks of Frank Rich's column excoriating Alaskan politics..")

...and the number one reason McCain lost the 2008 Presidential Election?

1. He got less votes

Some jokes never get old.

Or do they?

-KV

Obama Wins Obama Wins Obama Wins

As if you didn't know....

THE BROTHEL IS VOTING TODAY - AND SO ARE YOU - NO EXCUSES

IF YOU ARE READING THIS ON NOVEMBER 4TH, 2008 AND HAVE YET TO VOTE, STOP READING AND GO VOTE

NOW

GO

HEY, YOU'RE STILL READING

OKAY, WELL...

THIS IS THE PROBABLY THE MOST IMPORTANT PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION SINCE 1932

IF YOU DON'T VOTE
SARAH PALIN COULD END UP AS PRESIDENT

IF YOU DON'T VOTE
WE COULD GO TO WAR WITH IRAN

DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GO?

CLICK HERE

YOU ARE A CITIZEN OF THE UNITED STATES
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO VOTE

TAKE YOUR COUNTRY BACK

AND VOTE

FOR BARACK OBAMA

PREFERABLY

AND "NO" ON PROPOSITIONS 4 & 8

IF YOU LIVE IN CALIFORNIA

DO IT

NOW

PLEASE

GO

THE INTERNET WILL STILL BE HERE
WHEN YOU GET BACK

I PROMISE

...

YOU'RE STILL HERE!

FINE, HERE'S A POST SCRIPT

PS.

REMEMBER

MCCAIN HATES THE INTERNET

AND BY "HATES" I MEAN

"HAS NEVER USED"

SERIOUSLY

HE IS OLD

AND OUT OF TOUCH

VOTE OBAMA

...

THIS IS REALLY THE END

ESPECIALLY IF YOU VOTE FOR MCCAIN

-TLB

The World Runs on Peer Pressure: Harass Your Friends Who Are Thinking About Not Voting

If you have any friends or loved ones who are even THINKING about not voting in Tuesday's election, or are giving you some lame excuse as to why they are not voting, here's a list of things you might want to say to them.

-Really? The most important election in our lifetime so far and you're not going to vote? Really? (Be sure to say "really" as condescending as possible)

-If you don't vote, I'm not talking to you for a long time.

-If you don't vote, I'm not sleeping with you for a long time.

-Imagine if McCain wins and then dies and Sarah Palin becomes President - not president of the school board, President of the United States.

-Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. (See Clay Davis of The Wire for proper pronunciation)

-All the cool kids are doing it.

-We might still be friends if you don't vote, but there will always be this tension between us. Sure, I may forgive you, but I will never forget.

-You're fucking retarded.

-TLB

David Sedaris on Undecided Voters and Sorta Comparing John McCain to a Platter of Shit

"Being undecided at this point is like being offered the choice between a platter of chicken and a platter of shit with glass in it and then asking how the chicken is cooked."

-David Sedaris, October 2008

10 Reasons to Vote for John Sidney McCain

This article lacks...what's the word...oh yes, "seriousness." -KV

Ten Reasons to Vote for John S. McCain (if you haven't done so already)
Klaus Varley

10. Because the last 8 years were great. That war, this economic crisis. Hogwash. Republicans-4-lif.

9. Because women shouldn't have the right to choose to have an abortion. That's what a 2000 year old, translated text is for...to do our thinkin' for us.

8. Because McCain knows how to fix the economy, or at least knows a lot more than when he said he didn't know much about it (2007).

7. Because you love it when McCain gets that "I'm back in de tiger cage!" look on his face.

6. Because the biased liberal media will never admit that Obama is a Muslim who pals around with terrorists, but you know better, because, well you haven't seen any "facts," but they must be hiding something...the Democrats are the Hiders. No, no proof of that either, but uh, you can just tell.

5. Because black people are just different. And half-black people are TOTALLY different. C'mon! Why don't they bring up Reverend Wright more often?

4. Because hot headed men are hot. (Duh, it's in their name)

3. Because more US soldiers and Middle Eastern civilians should die for oil, I mean, freedom.

2. Because Palin is hot. The Republicans have the hot ticket this year!

1. Because you can't trust people who are smarter than you. McCain / Palin 08 - they ain't smarter than us. That should be their slogan. I should know - I'm smarter than them...are.

-KV

Ten Reasons to Vote YES on Prop 8 - California's "Protect Marriage" Proposition

In case you needed a reason to keep homosexuals from marrying one another, here is not just one reason, but ten! Enjoy! (Please note: Reasons 1-3, 6 and 7 are from the Yes on 8 website. I could not make them up. Believe me, I tried: see reasons 4 and 5, 8-10) -KV

1. Californian's Passed Prop 22 in 2000 to ban gay marriage but judges overturned it, calling it "unconstitutional," whatever that means. Seriously, if history teaches us anything, it is that we should always do what we've done before...and by that, I mean take away the rights of people who are different than us.

2. The judges that overturned Prop 22 were "activist" judges. And by activist, we mean gay. We checked. And by "checked," I mean we stole their wallets. Their "gay club" card was right next to their "activist club" card. And they didn't have much cash.

3. These "activist" judges were based in San Francisco. Sin City! What...apparently that is Las Vegas. And a movie. Well, it's definitely Sin City 2 then...until the movie comes out.

4. San Francisco is so gay that if you go there you might question your own sexuality and the sexuality of Jesus...or at least admire Jesus for his great abdominal muscles. There was a point here, but I'm not sure what is it...

5. San Francisco makes you forget the point you are trying to make. It's that bad.

6. We're undermining marriage at a point where we should be restoring marriage. I don't know what this means, but it sounds sorta-rational. Believe it!

7. First Graders were Taken on a Field Trip to a Gay Wedding. First-graders shouldn't have to go to ANY weddings, let alone gay ones because weddings are freaking BORING without booze.

8. I don't like to think about two guys kissing. Two women? That's another story. Have you seen BOUND with Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilly? See, that's a beautiful relationship...and they didn't need to get married!

9. Gina Gershon is smokin' hot in that movie. That just needed to be said.

10. If we let homosexuals marry, we'll be making the terrorists happy. See, because terrorists hate freedom and we're the bastion of freedom...and though if Proposition 8 passes we'll be taking away a freedom, well, see, it's the kind of freedom the terrorists like. Look, I don't really have time to explain all the statues and limitations to you...just vote Yes on 8 to keep two guys from kissing, ewww, seriously, that's disgusting can you imagine what they do in their bedroom, no don't think of it, stop! my point is that gays are destroying our country that was founding on liberty, justice, and heterosexuality - before that word was even invented! And don't forget, marriage is a religious issue, even though it's a civil matter - again, can't explain it, just trust me. Lastly, Jesus was not gay, even though his "disciples" were all guys, stop spreading that rumor and vote Yes on 8 so guys can't kiss...what? they can still kiss? Just wait till next election...

-KV

Barack Obama on the Role of Government

“Government cannot solve all our problems, but what it should do is that which we cannot do for ourselves: protect us from harm and provide every child a decent education; keep our water clean and our toys safe; invest in new schools and new roads and new science and technology.”

-Barack Obama, 2008

McCain Should Release Medical Records

Now I know where Matt Damon was getting his information. -KV



Seriously.

-KV

Republicans Go Off On John McCain

We don't often "do video" here at The Brothel, but you gotta see this:



"Is he so desperate to get off the economic issue that he will, basically, promise America that they are facing grim times ahead...?"

Answer: yes.

Oh, don't forget what Thad Cochran - Republican Senator from Mississippi who has known McCain for more than thirty years, said about McCain back in January 2008:

The thought of his being president sends a cold chill down my spine," Cochran said about McCain by phone. "He is erratic. He is hotheaded. He loses his temper and he worries me."

-The Boston Globe, Jan. 27, 2008

To be fair, Joe Biden said some no-so-nice things about Barack Obama back in the Democratic primary. However, Joe never used the word "cold chill." That's some strong language, Thad.

If you are reading this and even THINKING about voting for McCain, please take Pat Buchanan's words to heart.

And also please note, that is the first and last time I will write "please take Pat Buchanan's words to heart."

-KV

Frank Rich is Pissed...and rightly so, says McCain

I'm not a regular Frank Rich fan, or a regular reader of the New York Times, but this article takes it to the McCain campaign, just before McCain tried to calm some of his fanatic supporters.

See that video HERE.

And below is a quote from the Frank Rich article:

"Voters are looking for a leader who might help rescue them, not a reckless gambler whose lurching responses to the economic meltdown (a campaign “suspension,” a mortgage-buyout stunt that changes daily) are as unhinged as his wanderings around the debate stage."

Read the entire bad boy at the New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/12/opinion/12rich.html?_r=2&partner=rssnyt&emc=rss&oref=slogin&oref=slogin

Is The Literary Brothel getting political in these last two weeks before the election? You betcha.

-KV

Moro Islamic Liberation Front (MILF)

Sorry, but when the headline reads "MILF warned..." I laugh, and stop reading.

These guys need a better acronym.

Seriously.

-KV

The New Yorker on Why You Should Vote Obama

I don't usually post on the weekend NOR quote The New Yorker but tucked away in the Comment section is a little gem called "The Choice," written by the editors of the magazine. I wouldn't have read it, except that my girlfriend said "you have to read this." I do what she says. Because that's how good relationships work. -KV

"At a moment of economic calamity, international perplexity, political failure, and battered morale, America needs both uplift and realism, both change and steadiness. It needs a leader temperamentally, intellectually, and emotionally attuned to the complexities of our troubled globe. That leader's name is Barack Obama."

-The Editors of the New Yorker, Oct. 13, 2008

Charles Bukowski on Writing

What? Another Bukowski quote? When are you going to write something, Klaus!?!

Never fear, a little something is coming tomorrow, and a little "something something" is coming on Monday. Stay tuned... -KV

Bukowski on "How to Become a Good Writer"

"The problem with being a poet is that by the time you get well-known you can't write anymore. or, at least, not as well, but, still, being young & unknown isn't the answer either. a lot of them grin out machine-made shit that they think is very real only because they like it. then, they quit. to become a good writer takes time & luck & moxie & no special desire to be a good writer."

-Charles Bukowski to Douglas Blazek, January 15th, 1968

Los Angeles Driver Quiz

L.A. DRIVER QUIZ

Are you a Los Angeles driver? Take this convenient quiz and find out!


1. When merging onto the freeway, you do which of the following:
a. Signal
b. Check Blind Spot
c. Adjust the radio
d. Put on a fresh layer of eyeliner, call agent, get secretary, chew that bitch out for a while because that’s what she gets paid 7$ an hour for, hang up, brake for no reason, laugh out loud, look around to see if anyone is notices how glamorous you look when laughing, merge.

2. What do you use turn signals for?
a. To accompany Eminem as the lost beat in “Lose Yourself”
b. Fun. {click, click, click}
c. What are these “turn signals” of which you speak?
d. My ass looks sexy in these pants.

3. What’s the speed limit on the freeway?
a. 65 mph
b. 70 mph
c. 1.21 giggawatts
d. Industry standard.

4. The Metro-Bus…
a. is a viable, economic, and environmentally-friendly alternative to driving your own.
b. is something I have heard of, but never ridden.
c. is a slow ass, road-hogging, box of metal poo.
d. goes to Mexico, I think.
e. is for losers.

5. Pedestrians…
a. make good hood ornaments.
b. need to step back on the curb.
c. should only exist between the valet and the club entrance.
d. do not exist. Nobody walks in LA. There is a reason a song was written with that title – because it’s true. Like all songs.

6. Which of the following intersections have a protected turn arrow?
a. Sepulveda and Wilshire
b. Santa Monica Boulevard and Sawtelle
c. 1st and Flower
d. What is this “protected turn arrow” of which you speak?

7. When is it legal to make a U-turn?
a. At an intersection with a traffic light.
b. When a parking spot across the street opens up.
c. When it feels right.
d. Whenevs.

8. What should you say never say to a police officer in order to get out of a ticket?
a. Sorry officer, this is my daddy’s car – I’m not used to driving such an expensive and fast automobile. My BMW is in the shop, and I swear I only drive the speed limit in it.
b. Is it true that all cops are gay?
c. Which way to the terrorist convention?
d. I’m a serious blogger, and if you give me a ticket, I will blog about you and list your name on my blog, and everyone will know that Sergeant Michaels of the West Los Angeles Division of the LAPD is an asshole. I swear I’ll do it. Please stop laughing and writing that ticket…


So are you an LA Driver? If you answered "a," "b," "c," or "d," to any of the questions above, it doesn’t mean much of anything. Just like driving in LA, there is no system – you’re on your own.

In other words, who knows? Just stay the hell out of my way.

-KV

Monday Wednesday Friday OR Tuesday Thursday? : The Literary Brothel's New Schedule

You may have noticed that The Literary Brothel (TLB)'s posting schedule has been in flux.

What you did not notice - but may have guessed - is that this is due to Klaus paying more attention to other things in his life. Like his job.

But never fear - The Brothel will continue to be updated. However, it will likely be on either a MWF schedule, or a Tues/Thurs schedule. Check back at the beginning of each week to see which schedule it is on!

Such as:

Oh boy, there is a posting on Monday! This must be a MWF week!

or

Oh boy, there is a posting on Tuesday! This must be a Tues / Thurs week!

Get the picture?

Pop quiz - when is the next posting coming?

If you said Wednesday, you are correct.

If you didn't say Wednesday, please do not vote in the upcoming election.

Seriously.

-KV

From Inside a Republican Think Tank

From Inside a Republican Think Tank
by Klaus Varley

Please note: Codenames used. -KV

Please also note: Technically "code names" is two words. The one-worded "codenames" is actually a code name for "code names." And no, I would not make up this joke to just to avoid correcting a misspelled word. -KV

[McSame and McLame enter the room]

McSame: Did you hear that stupid shit that Palin said?
McLame: Which stupid shit?
McSame: Good one. The Katie Couric interview.
McLame: Goddammit, don’t get me started on Katie. It’s too early in the morning.
McSame: The question was, what do you read to get your information? Palin said, I read everything. Couric asked her to name one; Palin said, “I read them all.”
McLame: No, she didn’t.
McSame: She did.
McLame: Why didn’t she name some obscure Alaskan publication that Couric’s never heard of?
McSame: I don’t know.
McLame: How about Fox News?
McSame: Couric said "read."
McLame: (silence) What would you have said?
McSame: Some obscure Alaskan publication.
McLame: Yeah, me too.
[AceMcCain enters the room.]
AceMcCain: What’s up, people?
McSame & McLame: Hey.
AceMcCain: Did you guys hear that stupid shit Sarah Palin said?
McSame & McLame: Which stupid shit?
AceMcCain: Jinx.
McLame: We don’t have names. You can’t jinx us.
McSame: Yeah.. (to AceMcCain) What stupid shit, man?
AceMcCain: Nevermind. I’m so tired of this election. Our candidates suck.
McSame: Who, Father Time and Mrs. Moose-shit for brains?
AceMcCain: (sigh)
McLame: We gotta bring the focus back on Obama.
McSame: That’s right.
AceMcCain: Do you think everyone knows he’s black?
McLame: Yeah.
McSame: And that his first name rhymes with Osama?
McLame: They got it.
AceMcCain: What about his middle name – it’s Hussein for Christ-sakes.
McLame: Doesn’t matter so much anymore.
McSame: He was a rogue scholar.
McLame: You mean, Rhodes Scholar?
McSame: Same thing.
AceMcCain: I don’t think those are the same thing, but it doesn’t matter anyway, no one knows what either of those things are. What else?
McSame: He’s liberal.
AceMcCain: I guess. He doesn’t seem that liberal though.
McLame: He’s a democrat.
AceMcCain: True.
McSame: He’s popular.
AceMcCain: Tried it, remember? Apparently being popular isn’t a bad thing.
McSame: He’s dumb.
AceMcCain: Who’s dumb?
McSame: Obama.
[McLame and AceMcCain stare blankly at McSame.]
McSame: What?
AceMcCain: So, what are we going with this week?
McLame: Can we make things up?
AceMcCain: Is this a Rupublican think tank?
[Laughter]
McLame: He’s Muslim.
McSame: He’s Jewish.
McLame: He’s self-hating
McSame: He’s a self-hating Islamic Jew
McLame: He has met with self-hating Islamic Jews
McSame: He pals around with self-hating Islamic Jews
AceMcCain: Slow down…I can’t write this fast…
---

Another Quote from Charles Bukowski

Another Quote from Bukowski. Because people like reading them. -KV

"all I need now is 60 days in jail or 10 years, and my whole thought process will be realigned. everything happens for the best and the worst, like when Marina was first born, the line popped into my head, 'she will probably be fucked by a sailor who never read Walter De La Mare.' that was then. now, I think, so what?"

-Charles Bukowski, Letter to John William Corrington, January 3, 1968

UCLA Loses to Fresno State, Crowd Throws Up

This article is about UCLA's 36-31 loss to Fresno State last Saturday (Sept. 27th, 2008) at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, CA. It was 91 degrees with 36% humidity. Yes, it is relevant. -KV

UCLA Loses, Crowd throws up A LOT.

Okay, maybe they didn't throw up. Maybe they were dehydrated.

"More than 800 people got sick (13 went to the hospital) after watching the Fresno Bulldogs beat the UCLA Bruins on Saturday at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena." -LAist

What the hell is the LAist? Let's try a more reputable source. (The following quotes all hail from the LA Times)

"We had a lot of out-of-town fans who might not have been acclimated or prepared for the Southern California weather conditions," stated Pasadena Fire Department Spokeswoman, Lisa Derderian.

Oh snap, it must have been those weak Fresno fans. But wait, the Times comes to their defense:

"Steven Trembley, a spokesman for the Fresno State Athletic Department said Monday he was aware that fans were treated for heat-related issues but said he had not heard that Fresno State fans were disproportionately affected by the heat, which they must deal with on a regular basis for home games in the San Joaquin Valley."

That's right, succas. It gets plenty hot in Fresno. PLENTY HOT.

So what the hell happened?

"The combination of pregame activities, including drinking at tailgate parties, coupled with a flood of fans trying to get into the stadium before kickoff may have contributed to the high volume of medical calls, Derderian said."

That's right. I forgot how unusual it is at football games for fans to drink until the last minute and come in the stadium right at kickoff.

The Times article then ends with a clue:

"Most of the patients -- many complaining of dizziness, nausea and dehydration -- came from the north end of the end zone and did not fit a pattern of age or gender."

The north end, eh? Hmmm. On one side of the north end is the visitor's section...yet on the other sit the UCLA students. How about a description of their clothing? Were they wearing red or blue? White or gold? Did they have a bulldog on their shirt or a bear?

And lastly, did they have a Mac or PC with them in the Medical tent? Because if they had a PC, they were definitely from Fresno.

-KV

Recommended Reading for High School Boys-Guys-Men

I know we joke around a lot here on The Literary Brothel, but when it comes to recommending readings, we're all serious...ness. -KV

Recommended reading for high school boys-guys-men

9th grade
-Ender’s Game. One of those books that looks like a kids book, and can be read as a kids book. Good for the 9th grade mind, which may age from 12-21

NOT GOOD FOR THE 9th GRADE BOY'S MIND - Jane Eyre, NOT Romeo and Juliet. Shit, I can’t even read those books today. Thank god for book tapes.

10th grade
-On the Road. Right when you’re starting to get tired of books, thinking they can’t talk about real things, about life, have to follow some structure or form you don’t want to follow

11th grade
-Lolita. Now that you know good writing comes in many forms, lets get back to how to use the fucking English language. And there’s enough sex and obsession and loging after that thing you can’t have that may resonate with a few 11th graders.

12th grade
-Post Office. Bukowski. Congratulations, you made it to your senior year. Now read about how fucked up the world is. Remember, there are no obscene subjects, only writers who treat the English language in an obscene way.

Now go drink for four years and do some things worth writing about.

Coming Never: Recommended Reading for College

In other words, read whatever you want. You’re an adult.

Oh wait, I recommend one thing: The Literary Brothel.

-KV

Blogging while burning Pimsleur's Chinese (Mandarin) The Complete Course - Beginner/Part A

This is a blog entry. I'm not trying to be cute or funny. If you read something "cute" or "funny" into this, great, but uh, it's really about experimenting with this new form known as "the blog." What? It's not a new form, but a diary entry put in a public forum? Two words: Bah Humbug. -KV

Pimsleur should rename their course. These 9 CDs for Beginner/Part A are nowhere near the "Complete Course. This is a little intimidating - in Beginner/Part A there are NINE HOUR LONG CDs. Yes, nine. One can only assume there are the same number in Beginner/Part B, Beginner/Part C, and so on, up through Beginner/Part Z, at which point you finally start Intermediate/Part A... unless it is akin to Tetris the arcade game, on which my friend Cy gets to levels like AA, BB, CC...then I might never get to Intermediate/Part A!

Two thoughts: One: it could take forever to learn Chinese. Two: holy smokes, Cy is good at Tetris.

(Third thought: I should learn how to use colons properly.)

[Pause]

[Resume]

Still burning the 9 CDs. That ain't no hay. Check it out for yourself if you like. I recommend at your local library. So you can take them home and burn them.

Not that I'm doing that. No. I'm playing Tetris. I will beat Cy.

Ha, okay, done dreaming. And my computer says "Lesson 13 - Paul Pimsleur" is done. I'm not sure how much Paul is involved with each individual track. It's mostly a Chinese man and a Chinese woman speaking - who get no credit on the tracks: well done, Paul!. They state a number of phrases for you to repeat, interspersed with a very white voice (VWV) saying things like, "Now say, 'I do not speak Mandarin very well,'" a phrase I now know, and can use to confirm the assumptions of everyone I meet in China. I'm not sure I'll need that phrase as much as "Where is the bathroom?" which I have yet to learn through six lessons.

Ah, just one more CD to go! Oh, the last disk is the "User's Manual." Not sure what is on it. Perhaps I'll give it a listen, before I learn more useful phrases like, "I am American," or "I do not understand."

To be fair, I've learned some useful phrases too, such as "Excuse me, may I ask you a question?" which would go great with phrases like, "where is the bathroom?"

Don't you think?

-KV

ps. I am not pleased that "Tetris" - the most popular video game in history, yeah it is, look it up - was flagged during Blogger's spell-check. Get with the times, Blogger.

Not Something About New York City

I'm supposed to write something about my trip to New York City but instead I'm finishing a load of laundry and surfing facebook.

Because it is Wednesday.

Put your pics, people!

-KV

10 Krazy Keywords in the Past Ten Days

These are ten of the strangest and/or most entertaining keywords that have landed people on The Literary Brothel recently. Perhaps this should be a regular article, such as "Krazy Keywords for September" or "Krazy Keywords this month" or anything with the word "crazy" spelled with a "k." BECAUSE "Ks" ARE NUTS!! - KV

what makes you dizzie - Misspelled words.

sexy literary quotes - "It is the East and Juliet is the sun. Arise fair sun and kill the envious moon." That's from memory...and that's all memory can remember.

tucker bounds is a asshole - This is incorrect.

tucker bounds is an asshole - This is correct.

common confusing words - Obfuscate, mystify, baffle, perplex, eh, you get the joke.

motherfuckin candy - When you want some serious candy, not just kids' stuff.

the great gatsby urban outfitters - In The Great Gatsby they might call this a "non sequitur." In Urban Outfitters they might call it "huh?"

i caught my girlfriend back on jdate - Yahweh gives you only one choice in these matters: "Do onto others as they do onto you." Or something like that. Yahweh tends to be misquoted.

stripper who had just been fired from the chicken shack? in 3 strikes - Speaks for itself.

recommended summer reading - The Literary Brothel. The Literary Brothel. The Literary Brothel. Emoticons.

:)

-KV

The Internet is for Porn

That's the title of a song from "Avenue Q," a musical now playing on Broadway. In New York City. The city we just returned from Wednesday night. A city that - combined with traveling - is to blame for a cold keeping me from...tons and tons of copious physical activities that I do everyday? I guess I'll just have to blog, edit, and surf the web. What a change in lifestyle.

But let's get back to Avenue Q.

Avenue Q is a musical that we did not get to see, because we were only in New York for one in a half days. But the title should hopefully drive more hits to The Brothel. We've been hurting for hits since Michael Phelps got dry.

And I'm not talking about his drinking.

But maybe I should be? Will that bring readers to The Brothel?

I know, I should care more about content than about hits. Develop a strong, regular readership. Blah blah blah.

"Blah blah blah"...that reminds me. I met a guy in Baltimore who covers Phelps. Maybe I'll blog about that in the upcoming days when I blog about Klaus Varley's 2008 trip to the East Coast.

For now, I'm off to eat/drink more soup. This has been a semi-rational posting from a less-than healthy Brothel co-founder. The New York, DC, and Baltimore stories are coming next week. Promise.

-KV

McCain Gets Angry, Punches Reporter in the Face After Calling Her the C-Word

The title of the post comes from what I predict will be in the headlines of newspapers articles across the nation on the day it is posted. Was I right? Yes! -Klaus Varley, Sept. 10th, 2008

This post - as well as the last few - have been written well in advance, as your correspondent has been on leave, taking his travels to the East Coast.

Upon returning to Los Angeles, he will no doubt have plenty to write about, as the East Coast is legendary for its public transportation, crab, and literary snobbery. I will do my best to weigh in on all of these pressing issues, as well as other things, such as weddings, old friends, and airplane shenanigans.

This is less a post than a preview of up coming posts.

So I guess the appropriate thing to say now is...stay tuned?

"Klaus Varley's East Coast Report" is coming.

Stay tuned.

-KV

Rock Heroes at Wal-Mart

"Rock Heroes. The biggest collection of rock hits from your favorite video games"

Is that really the tagline for a new CD compilation being sold at Wal-Mart?

Yes, it is.

Have Rock Band and Guitar Hero become so popular that the now spawn CD collections?

Yes, they have.

But the ad goes on:

"Includes, The Scorpions, Billy Idol, Kiss, Boston, Survivor. Rock Heroes. All remastered. Alice Cooper, Ratt, Night Ranger, and Many More. Rock Heroes. In stores now. Only at Wal-Mart."

Of course while the hyper-masculine voice is spouting these words, the viewer is treated to a few bars of songs such as "Rebel Yell," and "Rock you Like a Hurricane," accompanied by clips of the artists in full form. Then, in case you couldn't hear the announcer, or didn't recognize the song, the name of each artist EXPLODES ONTO THE SCREEN IN HUGE SOLID GOLD LETTERS WITH FLAMING RED OUTLINE*

RATT

NIGHT RANGER

And many more.

Save money. Live better. Klaus Varley.

Oops. I mean, Wal-Mart.

Man, this stuff gets in your head. Maybe it's not such a cheesy advertisement after all.

Nah, it is.

-KV

*(Apparently I do not have "flaming red outline" capability)

Get Fox News Off of Your Google News Feed

Here's how to get Fox News off of your Google News feed: (A big THANKS to "MrYdobon" who posted a message on Google News Help from which I based these instructions) -KV

1. Sign in to Google and go to your Google news page.
2. Click on the "edit this page" link towards the upper right corner. If you've never personalized your page, the link is called "personalize this page."
3. Click "add a custom section".
4. In the Keywords box, I entered "obama mccain -site:foxnews.com" and clicked the "add
section" button. (The new section appears titled "obama mccain -site:foxnews.com") But if you just want "elections" or another keyword, then just put that before the -site:foxnews.com)
5. Click save changes, or save layout, or whatever you can save...

And...

You're done!

No more Fox Hate Speech!

Woo woo.

-KV

ps. Of course, Fox News still appears in your other categories, including Top Stories. Not sure what to do about that...email writing campaign to Google? Anyone?

Wisdom, Love, and Subway

One of the consequences of running a creative writing website that you virtually ignore for three years (2004-2007) is you lose touch with some of the contributors. Another consequence is that you forget completely the identity of the contributors. (Some of us use aliases here at The Literary Brothel. Didn't'cha know?) This is a case where both consequences came true.

In other words, who the hell is Angelica L? Oh well, here's a piece by her griping about her boyfriend's consistent refusal to pay for their meals at Subway. Yes, the sandwich place. No, the boyfriend wasn't me. Please. Leave the bad jokes to me. -KV

WISDOM, LOVE, AND SUBWAY™
by Angelica L.

I hate stumbling upon an epiphany, suddenly becoming the butt of an unknown joke, suddenly realizing you're the "mysterious" pronoun being tossed around in the gossip to your right.

I have proven time after time that you only see what you want to see. (I'm not in any way attempting to thieve this line from "The 6th Sense") Love isn't blind, it's too easily satisfied. It's blind in the way that one would rather gauge their eyes out than admit they've gone against years of preaching and ultimately settled.

If love weren't a figurative concept, I'd kick the shit out of her, and if I were you, I'd be putting that money on me.

My knowledge of our relationship's down falls came slowly. Similar to the realization that mommy and daddy aren't ten feet tall or fearless, that contrary to your prior belief, mommy and daddy are human. (Faults, hang-ups, and insecurities included.)

After two years, and multiple breakups, my blinders crumbled (my own twisted version of "The allegory of the cave"). And, why the hell does it always end up as multiple breakups, and never multiple orgasms?

I thought I had obtained the "catch" of a lifetime. But as I also thought I was going to spend my life playing house and climbing the jungle gym with my second grade crush Brian, you'd think these realizations would arrive at a more convenient point in time. (Also, funny how they call it "crush" like a obvious foreshadowing.)

So, I've thought it through and arrived at the conclusion that... I was a real bitch in a past life, and now I'm exempt from romantic success. That or I'm completely inept at choosing compatible partners, but the first excuse doesn't make me feel as bad about myself.

Visualization Time:

Imagine reaching the cash register at Subway, after the energetic young girl has prepared your six-inch club sub (hold the mustard and onions please), and the grand total is announced by the cashier on a crowded Saturday afternoon. Now imagine glancing to your right, at your date, only to be met by a blank look of anticipation, then with your best look of confusion, glance back-and-forth between your date and the cashier until the awkward silence is broken by him uttering the phrase "aren't you gonna pay, baby?" Then, as you attempt to recreate the appearance of a smile, grab your wallet, and internally scream "AGAIN?!"

I really had to vent that memory.

Aside from the anecdote, I haven't given up on guys or relationships, but I hope I've finally realized how to pick a good one.

And I vow never to be embarrassed in a Subway again.

-Angelica L.